Concerns about my obsession and the impact it has on me

[Ben Dollery]

Hi everyone.

I don't post on here often so I hope this is in the right place and apologies if it isn't.

As most of us on the spectrum tend to have obsessions or special interests of some kind, am I alone in finding that sometimes this can create problems? Does anyone else on here find that if someone says or insinuates something about their special interest, whether this be something negative or even just giving an opinion which they're entitled to, does anyone find themselves getting agitated or even angry about this becuase it doesn't fit in with how they like to think or consider their view on their subject?

For me my thing has always been cars, performance/ sports cars/ luxury cars etc. Everytime I hear or see anything which is negative in any way towards cars, or I consider negative or critical in any way, I immediately become quite distressed, anxious and then because I feel like this I then become quite angry about it all and everything goes downhill from there. Sometimes this can take a while to subside before I can sort out the feelings in my head and get back to normal, during this time it is incredibly stressful and unpleasant for me.

It sometimes makes me wonder whether it is all worth it, but as I'm sure you guys can understand, when you feel strongly about something that gives you so much pleasure, you can't help but feel that way. There must be a good reason for it.

My fear is being criticised for it becuase people around me don't understand why I get like it. It makes me feel very depressed, exhausted and sometimes quite awful. Does anybody else on here find this same problem and does anybody have any ideas as what helps them.

Thanks for reading this and sorry to waffle!

Ben.

 

[Bolletje]

Waffle on, that’s what forums are for I’m one of those Aspies with loads of (often fleeting) interests so I can’t fully relate, but I’m very sure I’ve read similar stories here before. Replies from likeminded people incoming in 3...2...1

 

[tree]

@Ben Dollery

It sounds like you are saying you believe can't help feeling bad if someone criticizes your interest
and you don't like feeling that way. You worry that people don't understand why you
care about the things you do.

One way to reduce the bad feeling you get from negative comments or criticism is
to remember that it is not necessary that every person on earth like and admire
you or the things you care about. It surely would be marvelous if they did! But it's
possible to get along fine, realistically speaking, without that.

What I am saying is that you are suffering from a story that you tell yourself.
I am paraphrasing the ideas of Albert Ellis, from A Guide to Rational Living. I have
found his work to be useful to me, personally.

Spoiler: IDEAS

1. I must have love or approval from all the significant people in my life.

2. I absolutely must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving or the idea that I must be competent or talented in some important area.

3. Other people absolutely must not act obnoxiously and unfairly, and when they do, I should blame and damn them, and see them as bad, wicked, or rotten individuals.

4. I have to see things as being awful, terrible, and catastrophic when I am seriously frustrated or treated unfairly.

5. I must be miserable when I have pressures and difficult experiences; and I have little ability to control, and cannot change, my disturbed feelings.

6. If something is deemed dangerous or fearsome, I must obsess about it and frantically try to escape from it before it happens.

7. I can easily avoid facing challenges and responsibilities and still lead a highly fulfilling existence.

8. My past remains all-important and because something once strongly influenced my life, it has to keep determining my feelings and behavior today.

9. People and things absolutely must be better than they are and it is awful and horrible if I cannot change life’s grim facts to suit me.

10. I can achieve maximum happiness by inertia and inaction or by passively enjoying myself.

Within the SPOILER is a summary, 10 ideas that people sometimes tell themselves.
It looks to me that you often tell yourself #1, #4, and #5.

With result being that you are unhappy.

You could stop telling yourself that those are true.
I'm not saying you'll be happy all the time if you do, but
you don't have to make yourself unhappy by fretting over
these non-rational beliefs.

 

[Tom]

I'm a bit confused about what you are asking here. Your interest should be something that provides enjoyment. Let others enjoy it in there own way at their own level.

 

[shysnail]

I understand this. I am feel over-protective about my special interests to a quite embarrassing extent. I even have a thing where I avoid stuff about it if it feels like it's going to be other people delving into it to a deep degree. I phrased that terribly, but it's stuff like Youtube videos or people's blogs where it's personal rather than fact-based stuff about my special interest. For me, it's not just if people are critical of the thing. I hate it and feel threatened if people know more about the thing than I do.

I'm pretty sure there are some self-esteem issues wrapped up in it, like if someone knows more than I do, that invalidates what I know. I also really hate the idea of people looking down on my special interest subjects, so I tend not to share some of them (others I feel less protective of and want to talk about. A lot.)

So you are not alone.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Ben, don't take another person's apathy or lack of knowledge to heart. I remember being made fun of because I took a photograph of a duck while visiting The Netherlands. By my standards, the photograph was exceptional for clarity, lighting, color, and composition. I don't know why other students laughed at me. The picture was my contribution to a class exhibit. Now that I remember, I think it was a form of bullying. It didn't change my assessment of the photograph, and whatever combination of skill or luck led to the final result, I was proud. Enjoy your cars. My brother has the same hobby.

 

[Misery]

Yeah, I've known this issue plenty of times.

The #1 thing I think is important to keep in mind is that we all have different interests. Some things you perceive as "negative" that are being said about your interest, might just be someone speaking in a very neutral way, yet because they do not share the interest... and thus are very lacking in info about it... it registers as "negative" to you.

For instance: Your interest is cars, right? Well, if you were to sit down with me and try to talk cars with me, it likely wouldnt go very well. I dont understand cars. Never did, probably never will. Dont get me wrong, I *have* one, I have a van, and it's something I treasure, but that's mostly because it used to belong to my grandfather, rather than being because of any mechanical traits the thing posesses. In fact, whatever traits it does have... I probably dont notice. Most cars/vans look the same to me. Seriously, they do. I dont understand them, and will usually have no interest in cars as a subject of discussion.

However, none of that is me attempting to bash your hobby. I would never do that. Not a chance. It might SOUND negative from your point of view, but that's because of your perspective kinda clashing with what's actually being said. I simply dont know anything about it... nothing more, nothing less. Even if it was something "weird" like vacuum cleaners or, I dont know, taxidermied frogs, I would never bash it. Hell, I've got my own interests that I sure as heck expect nobody else to understand. Recently I've developed this inexplicable obsession with creepy dolls... I even posted a topic about that recently and showed off some photos. I couldnt even begin to explain WHY the interest is there, but I CAN understand why others would see it as weird, and might not like it. And that's fine. Which is the bit that you gotta understand here.

No matter what your interest is, it's YOUR interest. You are free to enjoy and explore it regardless of what others think. Many people wont share that interest, but at the very same time, there are plenty that do. Seek out others that share that interest. Whether it's via the internet, or in-person. That gives you someone to actually discuss it with, and provides positive reinforcement rather than frustration.

Also: Do not feel bad for having the interest. But more specifically, dont feel bad about being really obsessed with it. Extreme obsession goes along with autism frequently... that's just part of the package. As long as you dont let it somehow hurt you or others... seriously, it's fine. ALOT of us on this very forum could tell you all sorts of stories of our own extreme obsessions. But also, you never know where an "obsession" might take you, you never know what opportunities it might provide. Just roll with it, instead of feeling like it's a bad thing.


There, I'm done rambling.

 

[Progster]

I've been called 'weird' because I learn 'weird' languages, but actually this doesn't bother me because language learning is the one thing that I can do well and it is a thing to be proud of, not to be ashamed of.

 

[Ben Dollery]

Hi guys,

Thank you very much for your very interesting and thoughtful replies. It's a great help to me and makes me realise I'm not alone in thinking these things. It's the main reason I joined this site and I'm so glad I did. Hopefully from now on I'll be able to deal with this particular issue a lot better. Thanks

Ben