"Coming out" as Autistic

[Boogs]

Sorry for saying "nick off" but I can't think of any better words to use that aren't swear words.

How about "naff off" if you're drinking in the saloon bar?
Or "bog off" if in the public bar?
Maybe "burger off" if you're in a McDonald's or similar?
"Kiss off" if feeling romantic, or even "nod off" for those times you just can't be bothered?

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Today, completely by surprise, my voice teacher decided to work on emotions and putting emotions into songs, etc. She started by saying we would just look at four basic emotions: happy, sad, angry and fearful.

She wanted this to be participatory, as in I was supposed to identify the different things physically and vocally I could use to portray these emotions. It would not be hyperbole to say that my heart sank, and I was soon close to tears because I couldn't do this exercise even with her kind prompting.

You need to know that I have been taking voice lessons from the teacher for two years now. She is wonderful and supportive and I've learned a lot from her. But I could not do this exercise.

So I told her I was high functioning autistic and had little idea of different emotions and how they are expressed. It was difficult to do but I couldn't explain why I couldn't do this exercise the way she wanted without telling her. She thanked me and everything was fine except that my guts are still churning from this.

I'll be fine. Just letting you all have a real life example of disclosure.

 

[pinkyponks]

Snap! You and me both. In fact, it's been odd to sort of discover some aspects of masking I was unaware of, just from the realisation I'm behaving differently, and looking at what it is and understanding it. It's like I've found a new way to relax much better, not having to put all that energy into doing it without even knowing I was doing it, if that makes sense?

definitely! you're so right - i find myself reflecting on how i react in certain situations differently now or supress my stimming less, and realising 'wow i didn't even realise i was masking in that way'!! yes, it's certainly very freeing and i find i'm feeling much less exhausted; i bet me unmasking subconsciously has probably contributed to that!

 

[Boogs]

She thanked me and everything was fine except that my guts are still churning from this.

Do you think the churning may have been because your instinct was that it would end badly and you were fired-up for that (adrenalin etc) - but nothing happened? A bit like when you have a life threatening near miss and the feeling after avoiding it, all hyped up but no way to expend that tension?

'wow i didn't even realise i was masking in that way'!!

Yeah, very revealing and for my part quite a surprise. Just reading about these things doesn't explain it all from the perspective of the autistic person, there's a lot more to it and I had a lot of difficulty getting my head around it to the degree I've even self-doubted my own condition to some degree. It's been a huge eye opener just how prejudiced my own views of autism were before I self diagnosed not even a couple years back, and even now I'm sure I still harbour stereotypes in my subconscious.

i bet me unmasking subconsciously has probably contributed to that!

I find it's very draining, and it's hard to define how much is physical and how much mental, but it can leave me just wiped out sometimes. I think it also gets harder as I get older, I don't have the same energy reserves to just plough through regardless (which probably isn't the healthiest of things to do).

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Do you think the churning may have been because your instinct was that it would end badly and you were fired-up for that (adrenalin etc) - but nothing happened? A bit like when you have a life threatening near miss and the feeling after avoiding it, all hyped up but no way to expend that tension?


Yeah, very revealing and for my part quite a surprise. Just reading about these things doesn't explain it all from the perspective of the autistic person, there's a lot more to it and I had a lot of difficulty getting my head around it to the degree I've even self-doubted my own condition to some degree. It's been a huge eye opener just how prejudiced my own views of autism were before I self diagnosed not even a couple years back, and even now I'm sure I still harbour stereotypes in my subconscious.


I find it's very draining, and it's hard to define how much is physical and how much mental, but it can leave me just wiped out sometimes. I think it also gets harder as I get older, I don't have the same energy reserves to just plough through regardless (which probably isn't the healthiest of things to do).

My initial reaction was that your assessment was off, but on further consideration I think you described the situation fairly accurately. I spent the next six hours being in a state of something like, "OMG my whole world is endanger because I dared to reveal my disability."

I have not disclosed by autism to anyone in my life. Except I am just now remember talking to my SIL about it and she just took it with interest and questions.

But my music lessons are a huge part of bringing real joy into my life.

She asked if any of her jokes and/or sarcasm were a problem for me and I said they weren't. I said if they had been a problem I would probably just disappear. That sort of took her back a bit. I'll try to smooth that over at my next lesson. She said she loves my sense of humor. That has got to be a first for me.

 

[Misty Avich]

Another reason why I don't tell anyone about it is because I don't want to keep being asked if something's too noisy or too bright or whatever. Nothing's too bright for me, and the only thing that's too noisy for me are young kids in public spaces yelling and screeching and crying. But anyway, yeah I don't like people keep focusing on the symptoms of autism and think I have them all and that if I don't like something I'm going to go into a meltdown because unable to express how I'm feeling. Nope, I'm not that kind of spectrumer. I do know that the other person is only trying to care or understand, but I don't want that. If I say I don't like something then it helps when people understand, just like with all humans as individuals, but I don't like people assuming I don't like this or that just because I have an ASD.

 

[Judge]

My impression (in my immediate environment) is that few people understand, and many are essentially indifferent to wanting to know more. Which doesn't really surprise me given the mathematical disparity between NT and ND persons. With little incentive for people in general to want to understand autism, unless it impacts them personally. Worse perhaps if and when some think they understand, largely based on film or television entertainment.

Compounded by a personal experience of confiding to my closest relatives, only to painfully discover that they didn't react to it in a positive way at all. That was crushing. My own cousin lives across town, with some 20 years of experience in healthcare insurance, yet she identifies people with autism as more or less attempting to make some kind of "mental fashion statement". That it amounts to less than a pseudoscience.

Making it very clear to me that the best course of action is to keep it on a "need-to-know" basis indefinitely. Worse so living in a nation and society with a medical infrastructure not geared to optimally deal with autistic citizens, compared to other nations.

Causing me to advise anyone in the US that unless you are clearly eligible for formal government entitlements or accommodations at your place of work, that it's more likely going to be mistake to "come out".

 

[Boogs]

My initial reaction was that your assessment was off, but on further consideration I think you described the situation fairly accurately. I spent the next six hours being in a state of something like, "OMG my whole world is endanger because I dared to reveal my disability."

I was purely going on my own reactions to some things, and I've found high-stress anticipation that leads to a non stressful outcome often leaves me all wound up with nothing to unwind with (beyond understanding it and taking deliberate action - distraction or other technique). It just sounded a similar sort of thing to me.

 

[Boogs]

Another reason why I don't tell anyone about it is because I don't want to keep being asked if something's too noisy or too bright or whatever. Nothing's too bright for me, and the only thing that's too noisy for me are young kids in public spaces yelling and screeching and crying. But anyway, yeah I don't like people keep focusing on the symptoms of autism and think I have them all and that if I don't like something I'm going to go into a meltdown because unable to express how I'm feeling. Nope, I'm not that kind of spectrumer. I do know that the other person is only trying to care or understand, but I don't want that. If I say I don't like something then it helps when people understand, just like with all humans as individuals, but I don't like people assuming I don't like this or that just because I have an ASD.

Maybe this has more to do with the poor public perception of autism than any deliberately uncaring or even 'over' caring behaviour. I only know my own nature, there are so many different types out there, I struggle to understand some autistic symptoms myself, and it's only because I've experienced it from the rough end (being autistic) that I know to try and keep my gob shut and not react wrongly when I misunderstand autistic people (or at least try the best I can). If I struggle with the concept, I have to expect allistic folk to do so even more.

It's possible they only ask because they want to understand, and until they understand you, they'll continue to be clumsy in their communications and perceived as offensive?

 

[Misty Avich]

It's possible they only ask because they want to understand, and until they understand you, they'll continue to be clumsy in their communications and perceived as offensive?

I know that, which is the reason I don't tell people. I don't want to be babied.
It's not offensive to me, just annoying. I like being treated like another neurotypical in general, unless I specifically mention something that makes me anxious. People seem to see anxiety as an individual thing and it does help to have people understand your feelings (if they do at all, it's frustrating when people don't), but once you use the word "autism" then there's no turning back and people tend to generalise more.