Codependent and Abusive Relationships

[Knower of nothing]

I just wanted to add that it's not the quality of being dependent that lies at the root issue of what is dubbed co-dependency, that's just the name. It's a whole slew of personal insecurities manifesting as self-neglecting behavior, primarily noticable in interactions with others. It won't go away just because the person is single.

 

[Aspychata]

@Shamar Your explanation could be the story of my life also.


I've lived the same type of relationship for the past 10 years and won't leave for the same reasons. Except there are no children involved and I'm the one that needs
the financial support.
Even though my live-in sounds like the same personality as your partner, the fear
of living alone seems worse than the abuse. He's never hit me. Just threatened.

I see @foliodoe understands as well.
These are examples of what I would call co-dependent/ emotionally abusive relationships.
Different people have different reasons they stay in them.

Yes. The things we do to have the appearance of a functioning lifestyle. I often think of choices of what is the least worst option these days? Put up and make a go with this person only to escape another mind-sucking wormhole tunnel of existence to escape from. Financial stability is definitely a co-dependent type of existence for me. But it's harder for those of us who fought to be independent due to abusive childhoods, only to be staring at the loss of self when older age takes a swipe at us. I find that currently l barter my services of life coach, financial advisor, 24/7 cook, dietician, girlfriend and cleaning assistant to a past partner after careful consideration of the odds of making it on my own going thru this current period of economic instability due to a shrinking world market and dwindling resources. In the back of my mind, l fear that l can end up in being abused if the partner deteriorates so l need to stay present and advocate for myself. Life weaves a wicked web of misfortune and l try constantly to stay out of it's grip. Only then do l look at death as the ultimate game changer of risks and odds done away in one fell swoop.

It's the throw of the dice, and it's snake eyes as l contemplate moving in with someone and being two and and not one anymore and looking out for his and my well-being and keeping my priorities straight in a complicated relationship fraught with past issues. Or l could climb up on my roof, clean out my gutters, and pray to be a vegetable should l fall.

I do really like string beans with garlic and a touch of soy sauce.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The times I have been alone and times of loneliness are accessible to me. Being alone holds little fear. This year, spending three weeks in Thailand, I was quite alone, yet I managed to fill my time with different experiences, enjoying the culture, people watching, the education. I think there was only one day I actually felt lonely, or was it lust? since I was in a (nice) hotel just down the street from Nana Plaza, a focus of prostitution.

I hope I understand how being in a relationship, even with negative attention, can relieve loneliness. That feeling of being with a companion is seductive, yet, I think for me, being comfortable alone allowed me the time to meet somebody harmonious to also relieve the loneliness. I was fortunate.

 

[Shamar]

These are all unfortunately bad signs for moving forward peaceably. It sounds difficult for your true self to even fully exist in a relationship like this. It takes great courage for you to be writing about this.



@SusanLR It is important to listen to people like yourself who are on the inside of a relationship and why they stay. I do not think you should be judged for this by anybody because you are the only one who truly understands. I appreciate your honesty here.

I want to thank everybody here for their support. I feel a little stronger now knowing that I am not truly ALONE alone, even if we can never meet face to face. Now, if only I can meet someone who truly appreciates me (and by now you all probably know why I can't).

Being judged by people on the outside who do not understand the situation has always been a problem for me (and I suspect most of us). Being judged for what you can't do rather than what you can is painful. We don't judge a doctor for the ability to run a marathon, we don't judge an athlete by the ability to sculpt, we shouldn't judge an autistic person for the ability to socialize. See my tag line and avatar.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I want to thank everybody here for their support. I feel a little stronger now knowing that I am not truly ALONE alone, even if we can never meet face to face. Now, if only I can meet someone who truly appreciates me (and by now you all probably know why I can't).

Being judged by people on the outside who do not understand the situation has always been a problem for me (and I suspect most of us). Being judged for what you can't do rather than what you can is painful. We don't judge a doctor for the ability to run a marathon, we don't judge an athlete by the ability to sculpt, we shouldn't judge an autistic person for the ability to socialize. See my tag line and avatar.

So True. That feeling of being captive in a negative situation when you see no way forward must make you feel so very alone. But, you are not. My negative experiences as a teen and young adult felt like that, yet, because I rarely accepted limitations, I used the experiences to learn what an accepting person would be like. It was a life lesson that I needed.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

,

Can we ever truly be in a health relationship with others, if we don't have a healthy relationship with ourselves?

I am convinced to say . . . . NO.

Before I learned to like myself I probably was mentally ill, and I was isolated, and inexperienced. I embraced my differences and interests and finally attracted a shy woman for a relationship that has lasted 44 years.

 

[Aspychata]

Think l view my life as l can go work and be with 2 to 8 people who treat me in an abusive manner at a low paying job with little or no benefits, and no longevity, or l can string myself along in a relationship that may border on abusive however l do have a bed, medical benefits and perhaps a shot at a relationship. My priorities before were to move up the career ladder, but age discrimination shot me out of that corporate hierarchy. So we do end up being pawns by others who are abusive control dominating drones fighting their own inferno of insecurities yet people say, l don't know why she would stay with him, or etc., and so on.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

What I went through with my abuser is a good example of narcissistic emotional/verbal abuse and co-dependency. I was dependent on my abuser because she was my only source of transportation to doctor appointments and the grocery store and only source of cable tv, the internet, and video games. My abuser was dependent on me for the power high she would get from her need to be needed and sympathy from others by playing the exhausted caretaker who can never get a break card and as a source of money to keep buying bottles of wine. She isolated me from everyone except those she had considered to be her friends which made me not realize how she was treating me wasn’t normal and was considered to be abuse.

 

[Magna]

Drug use can be a part of what can make a relationship codependent when a couple habitually use drugs together. It creates a cycle that keeps both people using. If one person decides to stop using drugs and the other doesn't then the relationship is likely not long for this world.