• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Codependent and Abusive Relationships

SacredHeart

Member
Hi Beautiful Souls,

I’m sure many people have their experiences and understanding and I wanted to get opinions from all perspectives.

How would you define a codependent/ emotionally abusive relationship?

I am aware of the definition but intrigued by how it’s being interpreted ?
 
I don't think there's going to be any single, universal definition because unhealthy relationships can manifest in a whole lot of different ways.

Also, codependency and emotional abuse are not synonymous, you can have a codependent relationship without neither party being clearly abusive, just mutual immaturity.

And speaking about codependency I think one key element is the idea of making romantic partners take on roles that they shouldn't. For example, if someone looks in a partner for a motherly/fatherly figure, a caretaker, a therapist, their entire social life or anything beyond what's traditionally considered the role of a romantic partner then I think that's the start for codependency because its trying to make a romantic partner into much more than what they should be. A healthy person has different types of relationships that fulfill different needs, an unhealthy person may try to cling to just one person and have them fulfill many if not all of those roles.

And as far as emotional abuse goes, as I said that can manifest in so many different ways that I don't think there's much point in trying to define it.
 
Hi Beautiful Souls,

I’m sure many people have their experiences and understanding and I wanted to get opinions from all perspectives.

How would you define a codependent/ emotionally abusive relationship?

I am aware of the definition but intrigued by how it’s being interpreted ?
Am I in an abusive relationship? I am subject to daily barrage of insults, complaints, and demands (almost never hear "please" or "could you"). And when there are not enough complaints, she goes looking for them. Her idea of cooperating is "Do exactly what I say when I say it." I don't mind much when she hits me (actually rarely), since she uses her forearms to hit and doesn't have enough strength to hurt. She did push me down the stairs once. I think this counts as abuse.

Codependent? She knows she can't live on her own, she needs me to support her. If I am unexpectedly late coming home or if I go somewhere, she becomes extremely upset and worried, although it soon devolves to demands to account to every second (see above). I have said we stay together for the sake of our son. He is now over 21 and can take care of himself. The real reason is that I find a painful, abusive relationship is better then being completely alone. If I were on my own again, I would probably not be alive very long (to clarify, I'm talking suicide). How's that for codependent?

It was sort of painful writing this. I think it constantly, but documenting it sort of adds a finality and solidity to it that I find disturbing. Most people who have been here a while should be aware of my social functioning, which answers the next question.
 
I don't mind much when she hits me (actually rarely), since she uses her forearms to hit and doesn't have enough strength to hurt. She did push me down the stairs once. I think this counts as abuse.
It certainly does. You should not be subjected to any of this by someone who cares for you at all.

I’m sorry this was hard for you to write and caused sadness, but sometimes talking about it is the first step toward improving your situation. I think what you wrote about should not be part of a loving relationship. Ups and downs in relationships should not result in a physical blows of any kind.
 
I’m sorry this was hard for you to write and caused sadness, but sometimes talking about it is the first step toward improving your situation. I think what you wrote about should not be part of a loving relationship. Ups and downs in relationships should not result in a physical blows of any kind.
Exactly why I felt I had to write it.
 
I am not sure what codependent means, but think of abusive relationships as being where one is bullying the other in some fashion, physically, mentally, or both.
 
Exactly why I felt I had to write it.
I am so sorry that you had to write that. I have been complaining of small things about relationships and myself. Yet, I have a 44 year loving relationship of mutual support. We have encouraged each other to try new things and feed our interests.

Smack me down if I ever complain again.
 
I am so sorry that you had to write that. I have been complaining of small things about relationships and myself. Yet, I have a 44 year loving relationship of mutual support. We have encouraged each other to try new things and feed our interests.

Smack me down if I ever complain again.
Doing things together is important, having time away is important also.
 
Sometimes people may stumble backwards in relationships, and so you do need to stay honest with each other if a line is crossed.
 
Codependent seems to get used a lot in relation to addiction, where one partner has an addiction that is enabled to an extent by the other partner. There are lots of ways that could manifest, and I think it gets quite hard to know whether there's abuse in such a situation too, does one partner feel threatened or coerced by the other, for example, and does that affect or explain some of their behaviours?

Emotionally abusive is also hard to define, what does it mean exactly? Are low power behaviours like crying or grumbling able to be interpreted as emotionally abusive, or more as a reflection of the individuals distress? How much can adults do of this in a relationship before they might be seen as needing to get help for themselves?

But the term emotionally abusive is more often used to describe bullying and angry behaviours, that can pose mental and physical risks. There are a lot of interpretationspossible of these terms.

@Shamar , could there be some other support or input for your partner that might help with what you are up against, taking the load off you both? Therapies, other interests, supportive interventions? A befriending organisation?
 
Am I in an abusive relationship? I am subject to daily barrage of insults, complaints, and demands (almost never hear "please" or "could you"). And when there are not enough complaints, she goes looking for them. Her idea of cooperating is "Do exactly what I say when I say it." I don't mind much when she hits me (actually rarely), since she uses her forearms to hit and doesn't have enough strength to hurt. She did push me down the stairs once. I think this counts as abuse.

Codependent? She knows she can't live on her own, she needs me to support her. If I am unexpectedly late coming home or if I go somewhere, she becomes extremely upset and worried, although it soon devolves to demands to account to every second (see above). I have said we stay together for the sake of our son. He is now over 21 and can take care of himself. The real reason is that I find a painful, abusive relationship is better then being completely alone. If I were on my own again, I would probably not be alive very long (to clarify, I'm talking suicide). How's that for codependent?

It was sort of painful writing this. I think it constantly, but documenting it sort of adds a finality and solidity to it that I find disturbing. Most people who have been here a while should be aware of my social functioning, which answers the next question.
I've been busy all day, so haven't had time to reply to this until now - but it really resonated with me!

Throughout my 20s I suffered through abusive relationships because I was too afraid to be alone. Being alone has always been the biggest trigger for my suicidal ideation and other self-destructive behaviours. I stayed in a physically abusive relationship for almost 10 years because it was better than being alone. I've since made peace with that person and we're friends now, but I decided that it's safer for me to be single - maybe forever, if need be.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you have my compassion for sure. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but it sounds like it functions in its own way. And it sounds like you're not looking for a way to end it. But I can completely understand how people end up in these situations and why they choose to stay. You have my support and commiseration, friend.
 
@Shamar , could there be some other support or input for your partner that might help with what you are up against, taking the load off you both? Therapies, other interests, supportive interventions? A befriending organisation?
I doubt it. She cosiders herself to be the Ultimate Authority on All things, and Practically Perfect in Every Way. She sees no reason to change. Everybody else in the world need to change to meet her expectations. Anyone who disagrees or comes to a different conclusion is either a moron, psychopathic, or brain damaged. She regularly gets upset when reality is not what she decided it should be, and usually blames me for it.
 
I doubt it. She cosiders herself to be the Ultimate Authority on All things, and Practically Perfect in Every Way. She sees no reason to change. Everybody else in the world need to change to meet her expectations. Anyone who disagrees or comes to a different conclusion is either a moron, psychopathic, or brain damaged. She regularly gets upset when reality is not what she decided it should be, and usually blames me for it.
She sounds very rigid and very uptight. Have you considered seeking help for your possible depression?
 
@Shamar Your explanation could be the story of my life also.
The real reason is that I find a painful, abusive relationship is better then being completely alone. If I were on my own again, I would probably not be alive very long (to clarify, I'm talking suicide). How's that for codependent?

I've lived the same type of relationship for the past 10 years and won't leave for the same reasons. Except there are no children involved and I'm the one that needs
the financial support.
Even though my live-in sounds like the same personality as your partner, the fear
of living alone seems worse than the abuse. He's never hit me. Just threatened.

I see @foliodoe understands as well.
These are examples of what I would call co-dependent/ emotionally abusive relationships.
Different people have different reasons they stay in them.
 
Can we ever truly be in a health relationship with others, if we don't have a healthy relationship with ourselves?

I'm remaining single for the foreseeable until I develop a relationship with myself. My inner voice and critic is nothing short of an abusive relationship.

I'm a people pleaser, and struggle to say "no" and set boundaries. In ever relationship I put too much of my time and energy into the person who I date, and I had a tendency to date emotionally unstable or unavailable people.

Ed
 
In ever relationship I put too much of my time and energy into the person who I date, and I had a tendency to date emotionally unstable or unavailable people.

Ed
I wish I couldn't relate to this :) We're often seen as emotionless, cold, and uncaring as Autistic people, but I've typically been the one to empathize, support, and be more authentic.

I tend to relate more to a lot of older women I see, who've spent years in unfulfilling relationships. And I'm constantly amazed at the amount of adults who don't seem to want to grow up.
 
Last edited:
I relate to older women too. The school I went to for 11 years mainly had older teachers. My mum worked at the school, so I often stayed late, and found I could have real conversations with older women, as opposed to girls in my class where I genuinely struggled to have many conversations, and most was simply small talk.

Even nowadays, I feel more inclined to speak to older people.

Ed
 
I doubt it. She cosiders herself to be the Ultimate Authority on All things, and Practically Perfect in Every Way. She sees no reason to change. Everybody else in the world need to change to meet her expectations. Anyone who disagrees or comes to a different conclusion is either a moron, psychopathic, or brain damaged. She regularly gets upset when reality is not what she decided it should be, and usually blames me for it.
These are all unfortunately bad signs for moving forward peaceably. It sounds difficult for your true self to even fully exist in a relationship like this. It takes great courage for you to be writing about this.

the fear of living alone seems worse than the abuse.
Different people have different reasons they stay in them.
@SusanLR It is important to listen to people like yourself who are on the inside of a relationship and why they stay. I do not think you should be judged for this by anybody because you are the only one who truly understands. I appreciate your honesty here.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom