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Clichés I get told in regards to love

phantom

Well-Known Member
There is no logic behind it. Its just them telling you "don't worry everything will be fine".
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
Ignore it.

If you want a GF:

* Make yourself reasonably attractive to your target combination of human genetics and gender(s)
* Learn the necessary social skills and behaviors (do not plan on being approached)
* "Target" realistically.
 

Misery

Photo-Negative
V.I.P Member
Actually, I can tell you why. It's similar to something I've been telling you this whole time.

Most relationships dont happen when one of the two is obsessed with finding someone... it's why those dating sites and such usually dont play out, or when they DO play out, the result isnt positive in the end.

A real relationship simply happens... that's all. You dont go seeking it with the vigor of a hunting dog. You simply encounter people, and maybe something happens, maybe it doesnt.

Like I've said before... the obsession, the desperation, it hangs around you like an aura. And people, particularly NTs, can read that like a book. Very fast way to put someone off, that.

That's exactly why I've been telling you all along that you need to get out of this obsessive mental loop. Because until you do, nothing is likely to happen. And even if it does... it has a decent chance of just leading to sadness in the end.

Right now you spend such an amazing amount of time making posts just like this one, clearly obsessing AND telling yourself over and over again that you cant succeed... both at once. That isnt helping you get what you want.

You want it, you're gonna have to reverse course. There isnt really much way around it.

And when you do that, you cant just go for like one bloody month, say "but it isnt working" and then give up again. These things dont happen fast and can take quite a long time. Not just for you. For anyone.

My brother went years without finding anyone. Now though, he's married with one kid and another on the way. He didnt go "seeking". They simply met... that's all. And got along. If he'd been doing as you are, carrying that dark obsession... it probably wouldnt have happened at all.

Seriously. I aint repeating all these things over and over to you just to hear myself talk (well, hear myself type, technically).

We all want to see you succeed but you cant do that until you finally REALLY take the steps to get on the right path, yeah?
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Right. It's just meeting. And even that isn't a guarantee. I walk with so many obstacles, l am already down life points. So l can't be normal, l walk as a very unfinished product.

We on the spectrum need a lot of understanding and compassion.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
When one is relaxed, comfortable with oneself, yet still open for connection, there is no pressure and a person is not expressing a needyness vibe, that is when you will be open to processing things without being driven by need. You may be at your friendliest then and your enjoyment comes through. When this happens a person has prepared to be attractive to another and to act naturally in responding to an encounter. Then the probability of unplanned success is high.

You have read how I struggled dating and in a relationship that fell apart. I called my future spouse, the only woman that I contacted that did not already know me, because I had nothing to lose and only expected a friendly ride-share traveling partner. I was not expecting a long distance relationship or us falling for each other. But it happened.

(added) We had a totally unscripted trip together other than knowing where we would be each day. Sorta difficult for me, but we played well together even with the glitches, and I nearly self rejected, but her acceptance and kind words allowed me to take our friendship into the next level. It was so unexpected.
 
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Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
This is something I am sometimes told when I tell others about not having a girlfriend and that I worry I’ll be alone for the remainder of my life. I don’t really understand the logic behind the saying. Can someone please explain it for me?
First and foremost, you must learn to eliminate logic from the equation of human relationships. Don't bother to look for it when it comes to matters of the heart. You most likely won't find it. That said, sometimes truth can be as weird as fiction.

When I say this, it isn't meant to be any kind of cliche. Not something I'd normally share. Rather something that once happened to me when I least expected it. (That was an understatement.) Me being at a low point in my life much like yourself. When a good friend knocked on my door late into the evening. I open the door and greeted her, thinking there might be something wrong, prepared to sit down and have a serious talk.

Instead, she had a strange smile on her face, embraced me and kissed me on the lips. Then she said, "I saw this in a movie." Of course it all caught me by surprise, dumbly mumbling something like "Huh?" as she undressed in front of me. Skipping past the obvious she left in the morning, letting me know I had a new girlfriend. No joke, no exaggeration.

An experience that left me in one helluva daze. Something that I only thought happened in the movies. Did it all end happily ever after? No. But that's another story. Simple point: For better or for worse life is not only dynamic, but that it can be full of surprises. It doesn't mean it can happen to you necessarily, but the point is that relationships can be a happenstance occurrence. Where even good friendships might evolve into something better. You can be discouraged about such things, but don't close the door to the possibilities, wherever they might lead. To open both your heart and mind.

TMI? My apologies.
 
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Silhouette Mirage

S̷͕̲̔Ḷ̸̽̌İ̶̞M̸̲͆Ë̶̗̠
V.I.P Member
The "it will happen on its own" thing is a complete lie, let's just get that out of the way. For most guys (and some women, I don't want to dismiss them our make this completely about gender, but we also can't ignore the blatant differences when it comes to the average experience), this is not how the world works.

If you want something bad enough, you have to go after it, fail often and pray for a little luck to help you on your journey. Life is hard, and I'm really sorry if nobody told you about any of this - you need to learn how to communicate with other human beings (men and women), be a good friend, be an adequate partner, and increase your personal value through what you can actually bring to such a relationship.

Stop thinking about what they can offer you, and instead consider what you can offer them to reach your goal. Would you date a mirror version of yourself? Seriously consider it, and become the person you'd want to be with. After that, you'll be the type of human other humans want to know, rely on, and connect with. Better yet, you'll have learned the art of self-respect and self-discipline in the process, all of which lead to higher self-confidence.

It's definitely hard, so just do it one step at a time. Start with a cold shower, exercise, or whatever, and keep going.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
If you want something bad enough, you have to go after it, fail often and pray for a little luck to help you on your journey. Life is hard, and I'm really sorry if nobody told you about any of this - you need to learn how to communicate with other human beings (men and women), be a good friend, be an adequate partner, and increase your personal value through what you can actually bring to such a relationship.
So very true! The luck I had was the result of changing myself, social involvement, and demonstrating potential and value by having an interesting life in research. Then, failure taught me to recognize the characteristics of the person I desired. I was prepared when happenstance brought us together at a time when I was taking a break from dating to feed an interest.
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
So very true! The luck I had was the result of changing myself, social involvement, and demonstrating potential and value by having an interesting life in research. Then, failure taught me to recognize the characteristics of the person I desired. I was prepared when happenstance brought us together at a time when I was taking a break from dating to feed an interest.

Happenstance being the operative word. :cool:
 

Silhouette Mirage

S̷͕̲̔Ḷ̸̽̌İ̶̞M̸̲͆Ë̶̗̠
V.I.P Member
Most relationships dont happen when one of the two is obsessed with finding someone... it's why those dating sites and such usually dont play out, or when they DO play out, the result isnt positive in the end.

Maybe I'm an exception to the rule, but I met my wife this way, along with 80% of the serious relationships I've had in my life. I'm a huge advocate for those if someone is on the spectrum because you can really test out compatibility before meeting, and if you're like me, you can avoid those really boring first-dates and keep things more fun.

I was also admittedly a bit desperate each time, but thankfully they were as well. I mean, that comes with the territory a little bit, but real relationships take hard work and patience nonetheless.
 
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Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Conventional dating for me was always out of the question. Too many preconceptions, expectations and ritual behavior of unwritten rules. All my relationships came from friendships that grew into something more. I just wish I had the ability to make some of them last. But back then I didn't have a clue that I could be on the spectrum.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Conventional dating for me was always out of the question. Too many preconceptions, expectations and ritual behavior of unwritten rules. All my relationships came from friendships that grew into something more. I just wish I had the ability to make some of them last. But back then I didn't have a clue that I could be on the spectrum.
Little did I know the importance of that! When I lost my virginity to my future spouse at a time I finally was becoming confident in myself, being friends first made a huge difference. The sense of being vulnerable, especially as my mind tried to sabotage me, was wonderful when I really heard the accepting and kind words from her that we were taking our friendship to a new level.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Little did I know the importance of that! When I lost my virginity to my future spouse at a time I finally was becoming confident in myself, being friends first made a huge difference. The sense of being vulnerable, especially as my mind tried to sabotage me, was wonderful when I really heard the accepting and kind words from her that we were taking our friendship to a new level.

I have sabotaged relationships because l have to start liking myself. Period. Not sure if Markness may sabotaged himself. Then when l blow out, the person thinks it's him, when it's really me just not ready to feel accepted. I am working on my Picasso. :)
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
I get told all the time here and my married friend that Church is not a place to meet your spouse. But I bet some people here meet their spouse there and my married friend meet his spouse at the Church and life group I attend. But I must be told all the time that I am obsessed, girls ignore me because I don't talk to them, and my appearance and attitude is the other reason, they don't approach me. Again, from married folks.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I get told all the time here and my married friend that Church is not a place to meet your spouse. But I bet some people here meet their spouse there and my married friend meet his spouse at the Church and life group I attend. But I must be told all the time that I am obsessed, girls ignore me because I don't talk to them, and my appearance and attitude is the other reason, they don't approach me. Again, from married folks.
So, why aren't you taking their advice? A lie I told myself, because I could not understand social communication, was that no girl/woman noticed me. As I drilled down into that, I remembered instances where it was not true. You must see the same women repeatedly. Have you given them a pleasant friendly greeting? In doing outings with the bicycle club, I always greet the people as if I am happy to see them (which I am). Have you gone up to a woman that you find attractive, introduced yourself using positive body language and just said "Hi, I'm Tony. I have noticed you here for a while and I'm interested in getting to know you." Be prepared to follow up. If your church is one where you forgoe eating before communion, and she responds positively, it is OK to ask if she would like to get out for a snack (your treat). I'm certain Brooklyn has some good places to nosh at.
 
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Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
If you read my anxiety scale on my signature going up to a woman don't I know is a 10 on the scale which is impossible even with antidepressants like Seroquel to take the nerves off.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
If you read my anxiety scale on my signature going up to a woman don't I know is a 10 on the scale which is impossible even with antidepressants like Seroquel to take the nerves off.
Tony, with that you have a problem. Even today it is the man who is expected to approach. Just recognize that women have anxiety too, about being approached.

My spouse is basically a shy person. She used to go to places in hopes of finding a relationship and had a lot of anxiety, hoping to be approached. I find it sad that she felt used by some guys. But then, she was ready to meet somebody like me.

You will never know unless you try. Do you have a guy friend who can be your wingman? That is why I keep telling you to value couples, etc. because you don't know who your helpers will be.
 

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
If you read my anxiety scale on my signature going up to a woman don't I know is a 10 on the scale which is impossible even with antidepressants like Seroquel to take the nerves off.

Maybe you should make a sign and display it
prominently on your shirt front, so while you're
sitting there smiling,
expecting people to approach you, they'd
be informed.
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy not by choice with Asperger's Syndrome
Again people who are married are giving me advice and it's the same people. I get enough of this crap from my couples friends.
 

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