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Can social skills be so poor, a person doesn't even know until they are 43?

N

NicoleD

Active Member
I am not diagnosed and therefore am brand new at understanding myself. Maybe you all will have similar experiences or insight. I really did not know how much people were not into me until a year or 2 ago. I had been told I was self righteous several times and finally after being told that again, I realized- "wow, I must really come off as self righteous". Because in my own head, I sure do not and did not feel self righteous. Also, I am absolutely not a liar. But I am frequently accused of being dishonest. And I think I am quite smart, but the majority seems to think I am not at all smart. How in the world did I go 4 decades without understanding this was even happening. I thought I had "chosen" a smaller friend circle. I just joined an Aspie group on FB and mentioned the above there. Someone just said I was a liar, my reality is "off", and I am from another century. Maybe it is a troll. I don't even know anymore. I just must be really easy to hate. UPDATE: He was a troll, but I do seem to bring out the worst people and/ or the worse in people.
 
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I didn't realize how awkward I was for many years! I remember how I felt when I learned I was. :eek:
 
I didn’t know I had poor social skills until I was 64! I thought I was misunderstood, unlucky enough to always be surrounded by mean people and the whole world was in on an inside joke that I was excluded from.
After joining this forum I learned that I’m not alone.
I used to be told that I always find fault in everything. This is kind of true because if something isn’t correct then shouldn’t someone point it out? I have learned that NO, do not point out mistakes, it is NEVER appreciated! Except by others like us. Nobody cares if a tie is crooked, the fork isn’t even with the knife, or the Savory Salmon cat food needs to be restocked!
 
BraidedPony said:
I didn’t know I had poor social skills until I was 64! I thought I was misunderstood, unlucky enough to always be surrounded by mean people and the whole world was in on an inside joke that I was excluded from.
After joining this forum I learned that I’m not alone.
I used to be told that I always find fault in everything. This is kind of true because if something isn’t correct then shouldn’t someone point it out? I have learned that NO, do not point out mistakes, it is NEVER appreciated! Except by others like us. Nobody cares if a tie is crooked, the fork isn’t even with the knife, or the Savory Salmon cat food needs to be restocked!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the reminder! :rolleyes: :p:)
 
I’m so sorry for what you are going through,I’m 36 years old but I found out at age 31 that I am on the spectrum,I am very socially awkward and my husband nicknamed me the awkward stork,my husband jokes that he didn’t choose me for my social skills and i am definitely never going to be the greatest socializer but sometimes i can forget how awkward I can be.
 
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We change as we age.
What was important or noticeable in our 20s and then 30s might be different when headed toward our 50s.

The opinion of one troll doesn’t make fact.
You define yourself.

I’ve had labels such as blunt, arrogant, heartless..., very opinionated thrown at me when in essence I believe I’m anything but.
(I care deeply about stuff, just have a non standard way of expressing it)

As for “how could I not Know !?”
It happens.
You’ve just joined the ranks of many :)
Welcome.
 
BraidedPony said:
I have learned that NO, do not point out mistakes, it is NEVER appreciated! Except by others like us.
Click to expand...
So true.
I get accused of trying to show how smart I am or of being arrogant.
It's just natural to point out mistakes, or I thought it was. Not.
Also being literal thinking gets trouble for me.
I answer a remark or question with seriousness because I don't get it when it's some
pun.
If I say what I mean I guess I just don't get it when others don't mean what they say.
Then they'll say, "But, I was joking."
If I want to tell a joke or a say something meant to be funny, I let it be known.
Like, "I heard this funny thing today..." and procede telling.
That's courtesy to me, but, it seems others think I should know when not to take what they say literally.
 
Yes, it is possible, and even common, for us to be unaware of deficits in our social skills and how we come across to others. We don't always pick up on other people's moods or their unspoken signals that tell us that we need to modify our behaviour. People are rarely honest enough to warn us that we are upsetting someone or acting in some way that's socially awkward or inappropiate.

Before diagnosis, I was almost totally oblivious to how I came across to others, and used to blame other people for things going wrong, I was always complaining about something, often things related to my then undiagnosed Asperger's - the music is too loud, I can't hear the conversation. Why do people keep ignoring me? Why won't anyone listen to me and let me speak? Why did X suddenly get angry at me, what did I do? I don't understand, why did no one tell me this? Why is this funny, why is everyone laughing, why don't I feel like they do? Why do people have to behave in such a stupid way? Why do I just freeze and not respond when someone says Hi to me? I hate the way people want to say hi to me, but then aren't interested in having a conversation, I hate the way people are so superficial - this list could go on forever, but this is how I thought, espcially when I was younger, and I eventually learned to mask some of this, but was still oblivious to many of my traits because I could never see myself from another person's perspective. I found it hard to make friends and to keep a job.

It's only when I started to read about Asperger's that I realised that a lot of these social problems were due to Asperger's and not the fault of those around me. It was also then that some people opened up to me and pointed things out to me that I was doing that seemed strange or off to them. For example, my mum told me that when we go out somewhere, shopping for example, she doesn't feel like I'm really with her, that I was also always very aloof and distant as a child. I was completely oblivious to this and how she felt about it.
 
Progster said:
I can't hear the conversation. Why do people keep ignoring me? Why won't anyone listen to me and let me speak? Why did X suddenly get angry at me, what did I do? I don't understand, why did no one tell me this? Why is this funny, why is everyone laughing, why don't I feel like they do? Why do people have to behave in such a stupid way? Why do I just freeze and not respond when someone says Hi to me?
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You must have been really annoying.

Good work. I tried for years and never got to that level. :)
 
NicoleD said:
I really did not know how much people were not into me until a year or 2 ago. I had been told I was self righteous several times and finally after being told that again, I realized- "wow, I must really come off as self righteous". Because in my own head, I sure do not and did not feel self righteous. Also, I am absolutely not a liar.
Click to expand...

People have to label.
They can't read us as we don't respond in an expected way.
So these terms (usually determined in a consensus behind our backs ie gossip) are the ones that can be used.

It makes normal people feel better to 'label' things.
Not understand things - that's our thing.
 
I think I m quite annoying, but only on a good day. Sometimes I m just acceptable. I don't do it on purpose, it's only intended helpfully. And yet that's so rarely seen about me... unfair!
 
NicoleD said:
I am not diagnosed and therefore am brand new at understanding myself. Maybe you all will have similar experiences or insight. I really did not know how much people were not into me until a year or 2 ago. I had been told I was self righteous several times and finally after being told that again, I realized- "wow, I must really come off as self righteous". Because in my own head, I sure do not and did not feel self righteous. Also, I am absolutely not a liar. But I am frequently accused of being dishonest. And I think I am quite smart, but the majority seems to think I am not at all smart. How in the world did I go 4 decades without understanding this was even happening. I thought I had "chosen" a smaller friend circle. I just joined an Aspie group on FB and mentioned the above there. Someone just said I was a liar, my reality is "off", and I am from another century. Maybe it is a troll. I don't even know anymore. I just must be really easy to hate. UPDATE: He was a troll, but I do seem to bring out the worst people and/ or the worse in people.
Click to expand...

Pretty much everything you describe is an experience many of us have had at some time. Being autistic doesn't give one an excuse to be unpleasant to people, but our own awareness of it can help us to understand ourselves and our interactions so we don't cause so many negative reactions in NT people. Hopefully, in time, people in general may come to understand autistic people better too so they won't be so quick to label us quite so negatively, but for now, it's up to us.
 
:screamcat: Worried now that I am annoying....
I used to find myself being the last person in the room. Never figured out what I did or said.
I’ve been told I’m a nerd, self centered, sick sense of humor, boring, stuck up, nosy, prissy, and weirder than heck.
But also I’ve been told I’m kind, patient, thoughtful, smart, have a good memory for details and a childlike innocence.
 
Hi Nicole. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes thinking about what you said and asking myself if I could appear self-righteous. I know I'm blunt and brutally honest. I've had people get mad at me, but, ya know, they never tell me why. Maybe they think I should know why?
And ignore the troll.
 
I am on the path of a formal diagnostic and actually, it was only when I came across the word aspergers that I started to have the "ahhh" moment. So, could that be why I do not fit in, despite trying my best?

49 now and still don't get social skills.
 
NicoleD said:
Maybe you all will have similar experiences or insight.
Click to expand...
I just left a therapy session with my new therapist that I really like. Turns out I offended her last week. I have been on my better than best behavior with her making sure I was appropriate and kind. I feel like crying now. Why try? In her defense she knows nothing about autism.

Sorry, I just want to say I understand and that was likely a troll who said those means things to you. The people here are mostly good and trolls are quickly dealt with. Welcome to this forum.
 
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