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Can a person on the autism spectrum go out socialising at bars?

M

Misty Avich

I prefer to be referred to as ADHD
V.I.P Member
I know autism doesn't necessarily preclude every autistic person from accomplishing stuff, but I still find it hard to imagine an autistic person going out on the town to bars regularly with friends.

While I'm a very non-stereotypical Aspie, the only stereotype I do have is that I was a shut-in between the ages of 18 and 24 (the peak stage where people like going out to bars on Friday and Saturday nights).

While one of my cousins remains undiagnosed, I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum. I'm not sure what he does now, but when he was aged between 18 and 24 he was always out clubbing and at bars with friends, even though he's always been shy and had trouble making friends when he was younger. He worked full-time as well.

Why did I happen to be a shut-in, while other Aspies seem to manage to force themselves to get up and go out to bars? I seemed scared of that sort of scene, due to social anxiety. I forced myself once to go out to a bar with my brother (who is also supposed to be an Aspie) when I was about 22, but I got bored and was worried about making a social faux pas, so I was home by 9.30pm. What 22-year-old goes out to a bar with people their age, doesn't touch a drop of alcohol, and is home by 9.30? I didn't even have work to get up for in the morning, as I was still unemployed.

Does going out to bars and having a group of friends to do it with mean you're not on the spectrum, or do some spectrumers actually like that sort of thing?
 
They're at the age where they'll do anything to fit in and copy what their peers are doing. Drinking drugging clubbing casual sex etc. They've yet to form their own true identity which comes with age.

I did all that when I was developing, apart from the sex bit! I wouldn't do any of it now. I liked the drinking, drank like a fish to survive, but hated the environment and usually would be wishing to go home and play computer games. I would never talk to anyone, couldn't hear a damn thing anyone said. They are not my people, people are even crueler when they're drunk.
 
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I was a shut in too, most of the time. I would avoid my housemates and classes. But playing music and being at university meant I had 1 or 2 people who would invite me out. I kept thinking I just need to practice this and then I'll start enjoying it or I need to drink more . After 25 I was "why I am doing this?" And stopped.
 
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Everybody is different, so hard to tell why it was like that for you.

We at different times are different too. I used to party a lot when I was a teen, mostly thanks to alcohol. It wasn't always the best experience, but it was possible. I don't do that kind of things anymore. I got to bed at 8:30 pm now.

I think you need to think about your own experience to understand why it didn't work for you.
 
I can't even go into a busy drinkers pub and watch sports with a coffee, the smells, noise and the uninhibited people, it's too much sober! In my country we tend not to drink like gentlemen/ ladies (me included)

If it's one of those gastro pubs I like them, a bit more civilised, they're a lot calmer except for clinking cutlery and stupid fashionable naked light bulbs that are stabbing me in the eyes!!
 
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They have my permission to go if I don't have to come along. Though I suppose I could drive designatedly and wait in car.
 
You could but I would not recommend doing it constantly otherwise you can get autism burnout. I am experiencing it now from too much socializing from constant masking trying to fit in even when I disclosed my autism to my friends I still felt ashamed acting neurotypical. It really burned me out when I felt rejected by one so called friend. Not hearing back from another after four days and getting another harsh text saying I overstep my boundaries made made me snap when I broke down crying when I talked to my friend I have not meet in a while that helped me during the pandemic. So watch your boundaries and it's no harm to isolate when needed.
 
I find loud crowded clubs chaotic and unpleasant, though if the music is good, that can make it worthwhile. I will sometimes go to a calm bar to have a drink or two, to get out of the house, and to at least observe other people having fun. From an actual interaction perspective, both activities are generally a total bust, and I'm happy not to get harassed, physically assaulted, or reported to staff for the sin of greeting or looking at someone the wrong way.
It's entirely possible that I look a lot more awkward to people than I'm aware of. It's shaping up that way. Oh, well.

There are people who I think are an entirely lovable disaster in terms of obvious gaze, focus, and interaction issues, and I'd be happy to spend time with them instead.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
You could but I would not recommend doing it constantly otherwise you can get autism burnout. I am experiencing it now from too much socializing from constant masking trying to fit in even when I disclosed my autism to my friends I still felt ashamed acting neurotypical. It really burned me out when I felt rejected by one so called friend. Not hearing back from another after four days and getting another harsh text saying I overstep my boundaries made made me snap when I broke down crying when I talked to my friend I have not meet in a while that helped me during the pandemic. So watch your boundaries and it's no harm to isolate when needed.
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It's bizarre to me that someone would suggest that crosses a boundary. It's really hard to judge how identifying openly is going to work out. The theory is that people will judge you less, and just accept that you do things differently, and they have to work a little harder to get you. Theories on kindness tend to get crushed by stark realities, though.
 
marc_101 said:
Everybody is different, so hard to tell why it was like that for you.

We at different times are different too. I used to party a lot when I was a teen, mostly thanks to alcohol. It wasn't always the best experience, but it was possible. I don't do that kind of things anymore. I got to bed at 8:30 pm now.

I think you need to think about your own experience to understand why it didn't work for you.
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I think part of the reason was I feared teenagers and that night time party sort of atmosphere. And leaving my home in the evening made me feel all strange, and all I wanted to do was to keep myself safe, which was in my home.

Also I felt I had to dress up and be someone I'm not when going to a bar, and I worried people would pick up on my social anxiety and make fun of me. I also didn't like drunk people. And I was scared of my drink getting spiked when I wasn't looking.

I much preferred to go out shopping or something, during the day, with some older friends I had. But for some reason I still felt like an alien for not going out to bars at night. Even my older friends used to do that when they were young, and would often talk about it.

I guess the main reason I didn't go out at night was because I didn't drink alcohol. I've always been afraid of drinking alcohol in case it made me sick, and it takes quite a few alcoholic drinks to get me drunk enough to be relaxed and not self-conscious.
 
Misty Avich said:
I know autism doesn't necessarily preclude every autistic person from accomplishing stuff, but I still find it hard to imagine an autistic person going out on the town to bars regularly with friends.

While I'm a very non-stereotypical Aspie, the only stereotype I do have is that I was a shut-in between the ages of 18 and 24 (the peak stage where people like going out to bars on Friday and Saturday nights).

While one of my cousins remains undiagnosed, I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum. I'm not sure what he does now, but when he was aged between 18 and 24 he was always out clubbing and at bars with friends, even though he's always been shy and had trouble making friends when he was younger. He worked full-time as well.

Why did I happen to be a shut-in, while other Aspies seem to manage to force themselves to get up and go out to bars? I seemed scared of that sort of scene, due to social anxiety. I forced myself once to go out to a bar with my brother (who is also supposed to be an Aspie) when I was about 22, but I got bored and was worried about making a social faux pas, so I was home by 9.30pm. What 22-year-old goes out to a bar with people their age, doesn't touch a drop of alcohol, and is home by 9.30? I didn't even have work to get up for in the morning, as I was still unemployed.

Does going out to bars and having a group of friends to do it with mean you're not on the spectrum, or do some spectrumers actually like that sort of thing?
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That's a pretty high bar to pass!

But since every autistic person is different, I'd say it was entirely possible but not very probable.

When I go to a bar, between the chaos and the noise and the inability to understand the social cues and interactions going on, every instinct in me is screaming to get out of there. Consequently I almost never went to bars as a single. If I am with a group I know it isn't so bad. Like a retirement party for a coworker. I show up to pay my respects. How long I stick around depends on ambient noise and confusion.
 
I didn't know there were certain things I wasn't allowed to do. Someone should send me a list!
 
So could my cousin still be on the spectrum even though he went out to bars with friends in his youth?
 
Misty Avich said:
So could my cousin still be on the spectrum even though he went out to bars with friends in his youth?
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I expect so. Just because he went doesn't mean he enjoyed it or that he was functional at it. And even regardless, as they say, everyone is different.
 
I just hate the thought of being the only spectrumer in my family. I find comfort in knowing at least ONE other person in my family could also be on the spectrum.
 
I've had people denounce me to staff for being "too close" despite the fact that they chose their seat, not me, and they were around a corner, and not even directly next to me. I've had people cross an enormous entertainment complex, going way out of their way, to tell me my presence, or gaze perturbs them. I tend to think it's a combination that 1) people know you look odd 2) you look vulnerable, and they have an opportunity to take out their frustrations on you.
 
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