Breaking Rules You're Unaware Of

[MrsPB]

So guys,

I have this habit of pushing people to their limits without being aware of it.

For example, my managers are frustrated when I arrive 5 minutes late for work, but I don't see why. We have a 10-minute grace period to clock in. That's the rule.

Another: I tend to ask too much of my support system. I can never figure out when I've taken it too far, or asked for too much. I don't understand until they express resentment, and then it's usually too late to make things right.

Anyone else have the same issue? It's the hardest part of ASD for me.

 

[Gritches]

I often find myself in the same boat. It's because in the moment I forget my social skills; usually, offers of support are meant as gestures of good will, not actual offers to help. I treasure the few people I have found who really do want to provide actual help, and I try not to lean too hard on them to avoid taking it too far and alienating that person. Because yeah, once that bridge is burned it can't be rebuilt.

I also identify with the time clock thing. At my job right now, it doesn't matter when I come or when I leave, and that's so liberating. But when I did have to adhere to a strict schedule, I would be "late" every day, that is to say, within the grace period (7 minutes in my case).

I was a line worker at a factory, the lowest of the low, and I figured the people showing up early were just too stupid to know any better than working in that miserable factory. Then someone explained it to me: the people who are first in line at the time clock get to choose their station. Meaning people who showed up early and stared at the clock for a while and waited would get a less-objectionable task for the day. A 15 minute investment to make the next 10 hours suck less? Worth it.

If you want to stop ruffling management's feathers, look for some advantage like that. It's said that us-people are big on rules, but I know how angry a manager can get when you show up for your 10:00 shift at 10:01. Seems pretty illogical to me. An hour? Yes. 5 minutes? No.

 

[SusanLR]

I never understood why people were so sensitive about
exact times.
Like someone askes me to come over to join them for a movie and I show up 10 mins. late of appointed time.
They get all flustered and why can't I be there when I'm supposed to be?
What difference does it make?
If the movie is on demand or Netflix, etc. You can start
watching it anytime. Not like I've just missed the first ten minutes of it.
I always said I wish I lived in a world without watches.

Not sure what you mean by asking too much of your support system.
I say things without thinking about it that might sound demanding a lot of times. Like: "could you bring me a bottle of water? or I need an ink pen in here, could you bring me one?"
Guess that sounds kind of demanding OK.
Do you mean things like that?

 

[Progster]

I work in a job where time really is money and punctuality is important, but if you work in a job where productivity is the most important thing, 5 minutes really shouldn't make that much difference.

I think I break a few rules or am annoying or tiring for people without being aware of it, mainly because people will usually try to be polite and won't say to your face that you are annoying, so I don't find out about it unless someone lost patience and tells me.

I tend to need to have a lot of details to grasp something or to decide on something, and that causes people to get frustrated with me, because they don't like to go into details or can't be bothered.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yes, all the time.

My NT managers like to "see me". They value my presence in the office over productivity. I find this bizarre and incomprehensible.

I've had several altercations over how I run my teams, if developers work on a Saturday I give them a day off in lieu. This is frowned upon, the NT managers would rather see them work 6 days a week, burn out, quit and for us to spend 6 months training someone new. Again utterly nonsensical.

NT managers don't really think things through nor do they see the bigger picture.

My working theory is that it's their own insecurities talking. They don't trust themselves and therefore don't trust others. Seeing me sat there gives them a warm fuzzy feeling that I "am there and so must be working". Face value.

The don't have confidence in their own abilities, therefore criticizing other people is simply their inner voice overlaying on other people.

If the NT managers that I've worked with stopped making decisions from their emotions from a place of insecurity then the world would make a lot more sense.

Therefore, the way I handle it is to pay lip service to their ridiculous demands. I show my face and smile when they are there, the minute their backs are turned I'm gone. I placate them when they criticize me and tell them what inspiring leaders they are and that their wisdom is invaluable. Then the minute they turn away I go right back to running my teams the way I know is right.

It's a shame it has to be this way, but by doing this I've achieved peace and balance. I just had to accept their bizarre illogical existence. I am working on appreciating their tendencies and try to imagine how boring the world would be without their dramatics. I'll also use their advice as satire when I start writing, so in a way they are an inspiration

 

[Mr Allen]

So guys,

I have this habit of pushing people to their limits without being aware of it.

For example, my managers are frustrated when I arrive 5 minutes late for work, but I don't see why. We have a 10-minute grace period to clock in. That's the rule.

Another: I tend to ask too much of my support system. I can never figure out when I've taken it too far, or asked for too much. I don't understand until they express resentment, and then it's usually too late to make things right.

Anyone else have the same issue? It's the hardest part of ASD for me.

Do your Managers know about your ASD? If so then under the Equality Act 2010 (if you're in the UK) they should make "reasonable adjustments".

 

[Judge]

I work in a job where time really is money and punctuality is important, but if you work in a job where productivity is the most important thing, 5 minutes really shouldn't make that much difference.

Totally agree. I too was fortunate to work many years for an employer that had the foresight to respect productivity over punctuality. That while in principle they openly stressed punctuality, it was clear they made allowances for those of us who consistently "delivered the goods".

Still, on occasion it was stressful to think of my hour-long commute mostly in the hands of public transit for which I had zero control over, no matter how early I left home for work.

 

[the_tortoise]

THe unspoken rules...the assumption that everyone should know things you know, think things you think....the too-often-encountered refusals to consider it even remotely possible that not everyone has the same rules/limits/ideas/feelings, and the resulting refusals to explain anything....makes life so hard.

 

[MrsPB]

I often find myself in the same boat. It's because in the moment I forget my social skills; usually, offers of support are meant as gestures of good will, not actual offers to help. I treasure the few people I have found who really do want to provide actual help, and I try not to lean too hard on them to avoid taking it too far and alienating that person. Because yeah, once that bridge is burned it can't be rebuilt.

I also identify with the time clock thing. At my job right now, it doesn't matter when I come or when I leave, and that's so liberating. But when I did have to adhere to a strict schedule, I would be "late" every day, that is to say, within the grace period (7 minutes in my case).

I was a line worker at a factory, the lowest of the low, and I figured the people showing up early were just too stupid to know any better than working in that miserable factory. Then someone explained it to me: the people who are first in line at the time clock get to choose their station. Meaning people who showed up early and stared at the clock for a while and waited would get a less-objectionable task for the day. A 15 minute investment to make the next 10 hours suck less? Worth it.

If you want to stop ruffling management's feathers, look for some advantage like that. It's said that us-people are big on rules, but I know how angry a manager can get when you show up for your 10:00 shift at 10:01. Seems pretty illogical to me. An hour? Yes. 5 minutes? No.

Thanks for the reply!

It's not like I'll get fired for being 5-7 minutes late at my job. BUT, the management give me a hard time about it, even though I'm a stellar employee. My past job threatened to fire me for coming in 3-9 minutes late 3 times in a month. :/

For the support system, it's hard to keep track of how much I've asked of people. Maybe I'll try journaling it?

Thanks again

 

[MrsPB]

I never understood why people were so sensitive about
exact times.
Like someone askes me to come over to join them for a movie and I show up 10 mins. late of appointed time.
They get all flustered and why can't I be there when I'm supposed to be?
What difference does it make?
If the movie is on demand or Netflix, etc. You can start
watching it anytime. Not like I've just missed the first ten minutes of it.
I always said I wish I lived in a world without watches.

Not sure what you mean by asking too much of your support system.
I say things without thinking about it that might sound demanding a lot of times. Like: "could you bring me a bottle of water? or I need an ink pen in here, could you bring me one?"
Guess that sounds kind of demanding OK.
Do you mean things like that?

You hit the nail on its head with the support system stuff, actually. I'll ask my boyfriend for water, medicine, and even borrow money from him sometimes. For example, I had to take 3 weeks off work for mental health, and he paid all of the bills. I still haven't caught up :/

I think the hardest part is when I ask people to talk things out. It's exhausting, but I only see my therapist every 2 weeks. Journaling has helped me with that, though. I think I'll keep it up. Also, everyone on here has been super supportive.

 

[MrsPB]

I work in a job where time really is money and punctuality is important, but if you work in a job where productivity is the most important thing, 5 minutes really shouldn't make that much difference.

I think I break a few rules or am annoying or tiring for people without being aware of it, mainly because people will usually try to be polite and won't say to your face that you are annoying, so I don't find out about it unless someone lost patience and tells me.

I tend to need to have a lot of details to grasp something or to decide on something, and that causes people to get frustrated with me, because they don't like to go into details or can't be bothered.

I know what you mean about people not wanting to be bothered with explaining situations/feelings to me. I tend to assume all is cool unless they say something.. I think I would rather be ignorant than stressed, at least with strangers/acquaintances.

I'm glad you brought it up, because maybe my supports are feeling stressed about it. My therapist insists that I pay more attention to their body language when we're talking. That is really hard for me, because I always think in my head while talking. I often have to look away and listen very carefully to understand what they're even saying, or else it goes in one ear and out the other.

 

[MrsPB]

Yes, all the time.

My NT managers like to "see me". They value my presence in the office over productivity. I find this bizarre and incomprehensible.

I've had several altercations over how I run my teams, if developers work on a Saturday I give them a day off in lieu. This is frowned upon, the NT managers would rather see them work 6 days a week, burn out, quit and for us to spend 6 months training someone new. Again utterly nonsensical.

NT managers don't really think things through nor do they see the bigger picture.

My working theory is that it's their own insecurities talking. They don't trust themselves and therefore don't trust others. Seeing me sat there gives them a warm fuzzy feeling that I "am there and so must be working". Face value.

The don't have confidence in their own abilities, therefore criticizing other people is simply their inner voice overlaying on other people.

If the NT managers that I've worked with stopped making decisions from their emotions from a place of insecurity then the world would make a lot more sense.

Therefore, the way I handle it is to pay lip service to their ridiculous demands. I show my face and smile when they are there, the minute their backs are turned I'm gone. I placate them when they criticize me and tell them what inspiring leaders they are and that their wisdom is invaluable. Then the minute they turn away I go right back to running my teams the way I know is right.

It's a shame it has to be this way, but by doing this I've achieved peace and balance. I just had to accept their bizarre illogical existence. I am working on appreciating their tendencies and try to imagine how boring the world would be without their dramatics. I'll also use their advice as satire when I start writing, so in a way they are an inspiration

Hahaha! I know exactly what you mean! Luckily for me, my managers accept the way I do things. They know that I have bipolar and "get upset easily," so they let me be. They'd rather see me happy than micromanage. They don't all know that I have ASD, but I can say what I need without disclosing.

 

[MrsPB]

Do your Managers know about your ASD? If so then under the Equality Act 2010 (if you're in the UK) they should make "reasonable adjustments".

I have comorbid bipolar II and ASD, and I told them about bipolar earlier in spring, so they're already making accommodations. For example, I work in a restaurant, but they gave me morning shifts on a regular schedule, which has been super helpful.

 

[MrsPB]

Totally agree. I too was fortunate to work many years for an employer that had the foresight to respect productivity over punctuality. That while in principle they openly stressed punctuality, it was clear they made allowances for those of us who consistently "delivered the goods".

Still, on occasion it was stressful to think of my hour-long commute mostly in the hands of public transit for which I had zero control over, no matter how early I left home for work.

Oh, no! Commuting was an issue for me in another job which wouldn't allow any tardiness. Usually, I drove through traffic just to search for parking spots, which usually meant I had to walk 15 minutes to work after the commute. And they want me to be there early every single day? No way.

 

[MrsPB]

THe unspoken rules...the assumption that everyone should know things you know, think things you think....the too-often-encountered refusals to consider it even remotely possible that not everyone has the same rules/limits/ideas/feelings, and the resulting refusals to explain anything....makes life so hard.

That makes me think of my ex. He said, "if you don't get it, I'm not explaining it." We had no idea about the ASD, although I had an inkling.

That jerk was worse than me at communicating! Lol

 

[Progster]

I know what you mean about people not wanting to be bothered with explaining situations/feelings to me. I tend to assume all is cool unless they say something.. I think I would rather be ignorant than stressed, at least with strangers/acquaintances.

I'm glad you brought it up, because maybe my supports are feeling stressed about it. My therapist insists that I pay more attention to their body language when we're talking. That is really hard for me, because I always think in my head while talking. I often have to look away and listen very carefully to understand what they're even saying, or else it goes in one ear and out the other.

I find it really hard to pay attention to body language and talk/listen at the same time. I may pick up on on a change in body languae and be aware that something is going on, but I don't always know what it means or how it correlates to how a person is feeling. And then, if I do know what they are feeling, it's just informaton - I don't know that to do with it or how to respond becaasue I don't have that natural instinct.

 

[MrsPB]

I find it really hard to pay attention to body language and talk/listen at the same time. I may pick up on on a change in body language and be aware that something is going on, but I don't always know what it means or how it correlates to how a person is feeling. And then, if I do know what they are feeling, it's just information - I don't know that to do with it or how to respond because I don't have that natural instinct.

I'm also confused about this stuff^^^ I wish I had a socializing coach. Does speech therapy cover social cues and how to deal with them? Anybody?

 

[Tom]

NT people are very sensitive about time and it will never change. They see your coming in late every day as an affront, a sort of thumbing your nose at their rules. They see your using the grace period as a defense as gaming the system. Time is a easy criteria to measure. You are on time or you are late. If you can come in consistently 5 minutes late you can come in on time or even better a few minutes early as a concientious worker does. Its pretty counterproductive to consistantly rack up bad points on so simple an issue to correct.

 

[selena]

I used to be late all the time, but then I decided I wanted to be known as reliable. For every event, especially if it's in a place I've never been to, or if it's an area I know I'll have trouble finding a parking spot, or if I know the likelihood of traffic is high, I would factor that into my prep time. If you get there too early, you can always wait in the car, which is a minor inconvenience. If you get there late, that's your reputation on the line.

 

[Tiffany]

For years, I exhausted people with my neediness, needing to talk, needing company, just needing. I’ve learned that even well meaning friends can be overwhelmed and wrung out so to speak.
These days I have a tendency to withdraw before that happens. I don’t ask for help much. It’s lonely a lot of the time. I don’t reach out much any more and when people reach out to me I sometimes over love them lol