Being Set Up With Someone As A Joke

[Spinning Compass]

Has anyone ever had someone try to match them up with someone just so that they could laugh at the couple? This has happened to me quite a few times in my life.

The other day at work a girl from a different department asked me at lunch if I'd ever married. I said no. Well, do you have a boyfriend? No. Well, you see Charlie over there? Why don't you go out with him?

Now, this may be hard for some of you to understand and it's hard for me to explain it but there was something about the way she said it combined with my past experience that said oh, oh, here we go again. Maybe it was the way she hesitated a little. Maybe it was the flicker of an expression in her eyes. I wish I could pick it apart and analyze it for you but I can't. All I know is what my gut instincts were.

So I said, "what is wrong with him?" And in that moment my gut feelings were confirmed. "Oh, you don't really want to go out with him," she said, "I was just joking." Apparently Charlie is--to put it delicately--not really anyone who is or wants to be socially accepted goes out with. He might be a nice guy, but he is not anyone anyone takes seriously. He's a social liability.

I looked her right in the eyes (not an easy thing for an Aspie!) and said, "Well, I am not joking. I do not think it one bit funny. I've had too many people pull that crap on me. If he is not someone you would go out with (and I'm not talking about because he's not your type or you aren't interested), then don't--not even as a joke--try to push him off on others. It's just not cool."

She said, "I had no idea. That's mean. Why do people do that to you?" Well, I didn't want to go into the Aspergers thing so I said I did not know. But I am not put here on earth for other people's amusement and Charlie is not put here on earth for other people's amusement. If you're putting us together so you can laugh at us, that's just not cool. Don't even go there. I may be lonely but I am NOT DESPERATE. Far from it.

Just once I would like to have someone say "there's someone I'd like you to meet," without me feeling like I have to automatically go into cringe mode. Does anyone else have that problem?

 

[Cerulean]

I can't say that I have, that seems strangely malicious and I really don't understand why someone would do that. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and Charlie though!!

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I get the feeling I was always the charlie in this situation so I can't say I've been in this situation. Or the only people trying to set me up were close friends.

 

[smith2267]

Yeah I've been the Charlie too.
If you are aspie, why do you care that Charlie is a social liability?
Are you the one aspie in the world who worries about social standing?
Sorry but my sympathy is more with Charlie here...

 

[Soup]

That woman was really cruel to both Compass & Charlie. As for not allowing yourself to be 'set up' with this guy, I'd never do it either. For all you know, Charlie just wants to be left alone & if he wanted to go out with someone, he'd figure out a way to ask on his own. If Charlie was just painfully shy & asked this mutual acquaintance to speak on his behalf, that would be different. As for him being a 'social liability', I would've loved to hear what she meant by that. Is he not affluent? Not great looking? Too thin or too fat? The wrong religion, colour or ethnicity or what?

For some people a social liability is a guy who doesn't own a car! She did say he was a nice guy...given a choice between going out for coffee with either her or Charlie, he wins hands-down!

 

[smith2267]

Hell maybe Charlie is aspie. We aspie men have notoriously low social standing.

 

[Soup]

Not with me.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Actually I don't know Charlie at all, so whether he is or isn't a nice guy, I really don't know. Anyway that wasn't the point. The point was, it was a joke. It did not respect either him or me.

What I meant by social liability and I realize now that was a poor choice of words is that if they are making fun of him and using him as the butt of a joke then anyone associated with him will also automatically be the butt of their jokes. It doesn't really matter WHY. I am 56 years old and this crap is getting old. And yes, I am concerned with social acceptance (maybe not status) because to be frank, that was the whole point of all the behavior modification that I was subjected to when I was a child. Remember, there was NO acceptance of Aspies or autistics as autistics; it was conform or be institutionalized. As a result I have a very hard time relating to people with handicaps especially those that are the mental or emotional or behavioral kind.

 

[Soup]

What this woman did is not only mean-spirited & wrong, she also showed callousness & great immaturity. Someone needs to remind her that high school is OVER! Did Charlie realize that he was being used in this manner? I hope the whole thing went over his head. It reminds me of that mean 'game' teen girls used to plat called 'There's your boyfriend.' For those of you who don't know the game, a girl in the group (or dyad) would point to some guy she thought was hideously unattractive & loudly say to the target girl (often while pointing * loud enough for the guy to hear) "THERE's YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!' It would be followed by rude giggling, snickering & possibly the target girl loudly exclaiming, "EEEW!".

Usually, people got over playing this form of bullying/humiliation game by the time they hit 16 or so. If that nasty woman isn't a social liability, I don't know who actually IS one!

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

I have never had good enough "friends" that would even care to set me up with someone, so I guess that I would be the "Charlie" in this case if anyone ever put me as the center of a joke. Though I would never know if that had ever been done concerning me. I do agree that what she did was totally unacceptable and I am glad that you stood up for yourself (as well as for Charlie).

 

[Kelly]

I've been in a similar situation before, when I was 17 and working at a company that made the machines that make pills etc. I was working in the accounts department and I'd been there for about 2 months when I had an internal email from one of the guys who assembled the machines, it said something along the lines of he found me attractive and would I like to go on a date. I messaged back straightaway and told him that although I was flattered it was out of the question as I had a boyfriend. He then messaged back a couple of hours later to say he hadn't sent the original email, that it was one of the other men playing a prank and that he was not attracted to me, quite the opposite.

When I told one of the other women in the accounts department she said something like "Maybe it was one of the other lads and they were trying to set you two up, thinking you'd go out with him or something", when I asked someone else about it(because at the time I just couldn't understand what had gone on) they said "Ewww as if anybody would go out with him, he's so gross!".

To put this into context he was a bit of an outcast because he was physically disfigured, I did hear people refer to him as the elephant man(behind his back of course) which I found awful but I was the new girl and didn't feel I could speak up. I made myself an outcast because rather then going into the cafeteria for lunch(and socialising) I hid in the toilets for the entire time I was there, every lunchtime I'd sit in a cubicle for 30 mins or so and then pretend I'd got back from lunch early, but eventually people caught on and some used to laugh about me and make the odd hurtful comment.

So I'm guessing they thought it would be funny for the two of us to get together because we were both weird. For the rest of the time I worked there I avoided going to that department as much as possible and if I did (to query a purchase invoice) I would always avoid talking to him. The one time I had to see him (as everybody else seemed busy and he was just sat at a desk) I stood and explained what the problem was and whilst he looked over the invoice I glanced around and saw them looking over at us and laughing. One in particular was a right pain in the butt, he made the odd comment about us, but one time in particular when he blatantly stated that I should have said yes to the date and that we'd make a good couple, I told him I had a boyfriend he was like "yeah right".

There were rumours going around about my boss and I because we got on well and as he was only 10 years older then me, to them that meant we were having a sexual relationship. Particularly when we were changing over from sage 50 to 100 and I was the only person who offered to help him, so I stayed late every night for a week and he gave me a lift home because some nights we didn't finish until 9pm, the rumours got worse, because of course we were not doing work, we must have been having sex in the office, same department spreading the rumours..probably the same guy, he seemed to really hate me for some reason and always made negative comments about something, whether it was what I was wearing, my telephone abilities or my piercings,sometimes of a sexual nature. I remember when he was really grilling me about my boyfriend, what was his name, what did he do etc etc and when it came out that he had his tongue pierced the same time I got my labret done well that started him on whether certain sex acts felt better because of the metal(it was said in much fouler /graphic language then that but you get the gist).

To sum up there are alot of really nasty people out there who get their kicks from putting others down, just rise above it the best you can!

 

[Daniel]

I looked her right in the eyes (not an easy thing for an Aspie!) and said, "Well, I am not joking. I do not think it one bit funny. I've had too many people pull that crap on me. If he is not someone you would go out with (and I'm not talking about because he's not your type or you aren't interested), then don't--not even as a joke--try to push him off on others. It's just not cool."

Bravo to you for standing up yourself, for Charlie, and for simple human decency! Stuff like this infuriates me, and people who do this kind of thing need to be corrected so they can feel ashamed of their behavior.

Cutting down other people to make yourself feel better is pathetic. As much as I feel sympathize with people like Charlie, I really pity those who are so empty inside that their only comfort is to hide in the herd and engage in childish bullying. I doubt anyone with a mentality like that could ever truly experience love and joy.

My wife has had to suffer from the cruelty of bullies and the junior-high-mentality that pervades NT culture for practically her whole life. I love making sure that she has a marriage and a spouse that is commensurate with how beautiful and special she truly is.

How sad it is that in this world, most people have to factor the judgments of their shallow peers into their love life.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Daniel--I hope your wife truly appreciates what a rarity you are. Because there are damn few out there like you. Unfortunately the vast majority of Neurotypicals do not understand what it is like to "suffer from the cruelty of bullies and the junior high mentalty the pervades Neurotypical culture" all their lives. They don't get what it is like to be attacked not just by one person but from all directions. They can't even begin to imagine what it does to a person's soul after decades of this treatment.

 

[smith2267]

Kelly--I'm not going to defend them for trying to set up the 2 oddballs. They assumed that because the 2 of you were at the bottom of their social ladder, you'd settle for each other.
And I realize you had a bf (i believe you even if they don't).
But food for thought: Don't discount that they might have been right just by chance, and this guy might actually be a nice guy. Don't join them in treating him badly. He could be one of us for all you know.

 

[Spinning Compass]

It's a real hard line to walk in these situations, because yes, the guy (or the girl) might be a nice guy. Still, when the motive seems to be malicious, it does give you pause.

As far as the notion of two people who are at the bottom of the social ladder being willing to settle for another that is also making an assumption that one or both is willing to stay at the bottom of the social ladder. That's not how I want to meet someone.

Recently a guy started going to my church who is single and is about ten years older. Now you would think that would be the answer to my prayers, but no. The reason is, there was something about this guy's body language and the way he dressed that I couldn't exactly put a finger on but I knew that he and I would not make a good match. It turns out that apparently "Greg" has a lot of issues in his life, I don't know what they are, but suddenly it all made sense. He walks, acts, and dresses like a person who is defeated by life. All this I could tell without ever having spoken one word to him.

Now what I am going to say sounds unfair but I do not want to be set up with "Greg" and I told the other members of my small group that. He needs to work out whatever his problems are first. I am not looking for someone who needs to be rescued. I'm not in the rescue business. And two "drowning" people can't save each other anyway. I want someone who is my intellectual equal and someone who goes around with a hang-dog expression is not likely in my experience to be someone who has a wide range of interests. We are not likely to have anything in common other than we are both single and both "misfits." That's not enough for a healthy relationship. I want someone who is alert, interested in life, who cares about their appearance, who is not wrapped up in their own misery. I don't even find him physically attractive. So, even though "Greg" might be a nice guy, he's not the one for me. At least not at this time.

 

[Soup]

I agree with the way you sized Greg up & decided that you'd make a ad match. I don't know if this is a problem where you come from but here there has been a spate of predatory deeply troubled men targeting what they believe to be 'lonely' single Christian women by ingratiating themselves with them in the trusting environment of church & church activities. Some were then molesting these women's kids, bilking them out of money or turned out to be felons on the lam looking for an innocent dupe who would be too trusting & let them lay low. Women here were making the mistake of thinking that because the guy was going to church on Sundays & to other church events that he was a good person who shared their values. Anyone can walk into a church as readily as they can walk into a bar or a bordello: he needs 2 legs & the ability to push the door. Anyone can 'ape' being religious. They were fooled because the guy was 'clean cut' (so...he went to a barber. Ted Bundy & Tim Mc.Veigh also did!).

Also, people assume that a single woman is lonely. She may have a rich family life, an active community life, a busy career & hobbies & friends, but until some guy is in the picture,she is fair game for all the 'wanna be match makers' out there. Hell, she may be thrilled to finally be single after a really bad relationship. The woman may get matched based on superficialities like: they're both Cuban, they're both single, they're both outcasts, they both like ravioli...You've got to know a person really really well & the potential match really well too before trying to hook them up. You are right to be careful, Compass.

 

[Kelly]

But food for thought: Don't discount that they might have been right just by chance, and this guy might actually be a nice guy. Don't join them in treating him badly. He could be one of us for all you know.

Might have been right about what? That we'd make a good couple? Based on what? They knew nothing about me at that point I knew nothing about him, so the only logical conclusion was that we were supposed to be together because we were at the bottom of the ladder, him because they found his disfigurement unacceptable, me because my weird behaviour was unacceptable. My rejection of his advances(whether they were his or not) had nothing to do with him being a nice guy or not, I had a boyfriend so it was completely out of the question and I don't see how I treated him badly? I avoided going to his department because I didn't like being laughed at, when he came to our department I never ignored him or anything.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I haven't heard of anything like that happening around here, Soup, but it doesn't surprise me in the least. It always amazes me just how gullible many Christians are despite all their talk about Satan being out to trap the unwary. As long as you say the right words and do the right thing you are accepted, no question. Now one of the women in my church has decided to bribe her grandson into attending by giving him gas money. And for every friend he brings he gets an additional $5. She says that she ran it by Pastor and he has no problem with it. Huh? If HE can't see the problem, then I don't even know where to begin with this.

It's funny that you bring it up because the subject of last week's Religion and Ethics forum for the online newspaper in my area was about registered sex offenders attending religious services--should they or should they not be allowed to? It just goes to show you you don't know who is in the pew next to you. While I am all for giving people a second chance, that doesn't mean that one throws away their common sense. At one point my drug dealer neighbor was going to a church (not mine) and she had them all fooled! All the while she was still making and dealing meth from her house. But that is getting off topic.

Anyway that is why I do not trust on-line dating. If I don't know you and nobody in my community knows you, then how can I know that you are telling the truth about yourself? It's too easy to hide and reinvent oneself.

 

[Soup]

@ Compass: Online dating terrifies me too. People publish deeply personal info in their online dating profile & use photos of themselves that have been heavily photo shopped or that are a decade old. they lie about their background & can literally make themselves out to be whomever they want. One of the big sites got in trouble a while ago because the screening process for members was scanty to non-existent. Guys targeting single mothers of young kids, telling them whatever they wanted to hear & making themselves match their lists of desirable qualities & then they'd molest the kids. Another guy was targeting single women of a certain physical type who live alone in more isolated communities & then raping them. A woman was targeting lonely guys, marrying them after whirlwind romances & bilking them. They only caught her because, after her 9th marriage (! that's a LOT of wedding cake!) she killed the guy (using some kind of poison). She's actually tried the same on #8 & he'd become seriously ill BUT he didn't die. She was targeting military guys because they were away a lot & were more likely to marry, they had steady incomes & none was well educated either: making it easier for her to wreck their finances unchecked. None of these men were aware of her prior marriages other than 1 (a lie!). She claimed her 1st husband had left her a devastated widow after a tragic work-related accident.

Many of the guys who were conning women also used the sob story to render themselves more sympathetic & use the woman's pity against her. BEWARE the person who claims that their poor dear wife (or husband) whom the loved soo much (& the 5 kids too) died in a terrible house fire whilst he was away bravely rescuing baby gorillas from poachers.

On the other hand...our tech guy met his wife on 'plenty of fish', a teacher I know found her husband there (he's a teacher too) & 2 others I know of met partners online. I couldn't imagine taking that kind of a risk, personally.

Although some people do get lucky this way & a person can lie & misrepresent themselves IRL, it is harder to pull off & easier for others to check them out. Nowadays there's a booming business in background checks on prospective mates (employees in some fields & actual spouses). It's a shame people are so suspicious but it's only because so many people are deceptive. One wife found out that her husband had a wife & kids in another town. A husband found that his wife was moonlighting as an 'escort' & entertaining her client?le right in their bedroom whilst the kids were at school & he was at work. He became suspicious when she began wearing very expensive clothing, shoes & jewels BUT he never saw any bills. He'd originally thought that she was cheating with some lover: turned out to be much worse.