Being Friendly

[fern_77]

When I am at school and I am walking down the hallways sometimes teachers will see me and say hello to me and then I will feel like I have to say hello back because I know that is what is expected of me and it is annoying because I do not want to talk to teachers in the hallway. There are also times when teachers will not say hello to me but I will feel like I am supposed to say hello to them, even though I don't want to. That is an annoying feeling.

 

[Gerontius]

Just nod, smile, keep walking--no need to force yourself to look & say hello.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I totally understand. I work with the public,...healthcare. You can see people at their literal worst, both physically and mentally,...patients and co-workers. There is the "attitude" aspect,...how you feel any given day,...sometimes you are head-up, good posture, bright-eyed, got a bit of pep in your step,...and it seems easy to be friendly and receptive to others. However, there are those other days,...quite the opposite,...and it can be a bit of a struggle to consciously be "in character" and try to be social.

As an autistic, I know that my dopamine levels can be quite low,...and it doesn't have to be on the order of clinical depression,...but I'm certainly no "life of the party" either. Varying levels of depression or "flat affect" is one of many characteristics associated with autism. So, absolutely, this affects how we interact socially. It IS more difficult to present yourself as friendly and socially interactive when you clearly are not "feeling it". It's acting,...plain and simple.

This is where many of us find this internal, psychological conflict within ourselves where we are highly aware that we are "in character" or "masking" for the sake of being "socially appropriate",...whatever that is within the context and perspective of our social environment. Whether you are at school, out with friends, at work, a job interview, talking on the phone with a customer,...whatever,...you will be, at some level,...adjusting your behavior and tone of voice to the situation. Some are much better at it than others, no doubt, but we all have to do it,...even neurotypicals. As such, I believe that all of us, at some level, have our moments when we feel "fake",...and it does bother us psychologically.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I only thought that teachers were there to make demands and judge my execution. There was no actual help so I never countenanced any teacher.

 

[fern_77]

Just nod, smile, keep walking--no need to force yourself to look & say hello.

I worry that if I don't say hello to the teachers when they say hello to me that they might be offended or feel unhappy because I didn't greet them the way they expected me to.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I agree with the nodding and smiling recommendation. You don't need to say hello if you don't feel like it, but making eye contact and a simple nod isn't too taxing, and can help build a little confidence or good feeling.

Ed

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I worry that if I don't say hello to the teachers when they say hello to me that they might be offended or feel unhappy because I didn't greet them the way they expected me to.

Because I felt constantly judged, I could never be friendly to those who judged me. Offending them would have been a positive for me.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I worry that if I don't say hello to the teachers when they say hello to me that they might be offended or feel unhappy because I didn't greet them the way they expected me to.

You are correct, all human organizations are full of humans and learning how to meet their expectations will prove to be important in the long run. Way more important than your grades.

 

[fern_77]

Okay, so I tried nodding and smiling at the teacher who said hello to me instead of saying hello back, but I felt like I was doing something wrong when I did it. I am worried that my nod was too big and that my smile was too wry and that she might have realized that it was wry even though my face was covered by a mask. I am also worried that she is disappointed that I didn't say hello to her.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Okay, so I tried nodding and smiling at the teacher who said hello to me instead of saying hello back, but I felt like I was doing something wrong when I did it. I am worried that my nod was too big and that my smile was too wry and that she might have realized that it was wry even though my face was covered by a mask. I am also worried that she is disappointed that I didn't say hello to her.

As you are in the school, and she is a teacher and they know that you are autistic, take advantage of that.

Ask her a space to talk with you or permission to send her an email if talking is not your thing. Tell her that the hole greeting is draining and that you are practicing just waving and nodding. Ask her for feedback.

You can also record yourself at home practicing with some toy and then watch yourself.

 

[fern_77]

I think you should take a break from worrying and relax with a song about being wry I don't think it's likely that your teacher is disappointed, she meets lots of people all day long, I`m sure you don't have to worry about one missed hello.

Thank you for the suggestion and the song. I am not able to listen to the song right now because I am on my school computer, but if I remember to I will listen to it when I get home.

 

[Suzette]

I worry that if I don't say hello to the teachers when they say hello to me that they might be offended or feel unhappy because I didn't greet them the way they expected me to.

Not true! The teachers are being polite like you! And they will repeat their greeting over and over again.
Now if a teacher approaches you specifically, then yes, you must greet them properly.

 

[fern_77]

Not true! The teachers are being polite like you! And they will repeat their greeting over and over again.
Now if a teacher approaches you specifically, then yes, you must greet them properly.

Thank you for saying that I'm being polite. That's nice to hear, meow.

 

[Fino]

Is it teachers in particular that you don't want to say hello to or just anyone? Because it's the kind of thing we'll be doing our whole lives, generally speaking.

 

[Callistemon]

I think you should take a break from worrying and relax with a song about being wry I don't think it's likely that your teacher is disappointed, she meets lots of people all day long, I`m sure you don't have to worry about one missed hello.

This is a nice sound! Thanks for posting.

 

[Callistemon]

@fern_77, I would say you're at least 20 times as worried as the teachers about the greetings. Good teachers understand that adolescence is a difficult time and many students are shy or awkward, and they want to be helpful, not difficult. Also if it's anything like Australian schools they will know who has autism or various medical issues like diabetes or risk of anaphylaxis in their class, so long as it's on file. That is taken into account.

And what about the not-so-nice teachers? They do exist. I'd minimise my interactions with them and be open to talking to the friendly, helpful ones, and not shy about asking for their support, feedback etc.

 

[Kalinychta]

Why not just say hello back and move on with your life? As @Fino said, being greeted by others is a daily occurrence for most people. There are plenty of things to be annoyed about in this world, but teachers saying hi to you in the hallway shouldn’t be one of them. Just say hi back and then go about your day. No big deal.

 

[SusanLR]

This will be encountered in public every time you are amongst people.
That social grace of greeting.
For some reason it does give an uneasy feeling to answer back.

Usually I give the nod and smile also. I've practiced certain words to say in the needed
situation. Thank you and yes, please are two I find are quite appreciated even if I must think
to say it.
For some reason the expected answer to Hello and how are you doing, I just can't get past the
nod and smile.

 

[fern_77]

Is it teachers in particular that you don't want to say hello to or just anyone? Because it's the kind of thing we'll be doing our whole lives, generally speaking.

The teachers. School is exhausting for me, so I usually don't chat with students or teachers much while I'm there. Other students usually don't greet me or engage in conversation with me without me doing so first, which is preferable because, as I said, school is exhausting, so I'd prefer to engage with the other people there on my own terms. But the teachers greet me without me greeting them first, which is annoying when I am trying to walk through crowded hallways and avoid bumping into people.

 

[fern_77]

@fern_77, I would say you're at least 20 times as worried as the teachers about the greetings. Good teachers understand that adolescence is a difficult time and many students are shy or awkward, and they want to be helpful, not difficult. Also if it's anything like Australian schools they will know who has autism or various medical issues like diabetes or risk of anaphylaxis in their class, so long as it's on file. That is taken into account.

And what about the not-so-nice teachers? They do exist. I'd minimise my interactions with them and be open to talking to the friendly, helpful ones, and not shy about asking for their support, feedback etc.

Thank you for the advice!