Beauty insecurity?

[Nemo]

Hey,
I get worried a lot of the time about whether I am perceived as beautiful/conventionally attractive. I have a theory this relates to my (mild) Aspergers and not being able to "read" other people, but I don't know. Does anyone have similar thoughts? I'd love to hear what other people think. Thanks for reading!

Nemo

 

[Rocco]

Do you want to be seen as beautiful?
If so why?
Do you think you are beautiful?
If not, why?
I personally don't feel as though I appear beautiful/ handsome, yet I am not overly concerned with appearing in such a way.
I am concerned at times with appearing ugly, and kind of am, but this is me like it or not and it's not going to improve.
I imagine it would be nice to be beautiful or handsome though.

 

[Crossbreed]

I have encountered both admirers and detractors. The former is flattering, but I'm so glad to be off of the market.

Even when I was single, I had no idea how to capitalize on any initial appeal that I might have. Very frustrating.

Prior to her depression, the woman that I married was into me, just for being me. I can manage that.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, spent my younger years feeling very unsure about what people thought of me and now know it is because I could not read their faces and so felt as though I was always blind.

I remember my sister and I were asked out by these two friends on a date and so, I went and was PETRIFIED with what the guy, who I was on the date with, thought of me. I actually was pacing up and down our room in panic and then, my sister said: hey, just had a phone call from the lad's to say that the guy you went with thinks you are amazing and wants to see you again!

We dated for a year, I think.

I say: in my younger days, but the reality is, I am still unsure, despite being able to read peoples' faces a bit better.

The general synopsis is that I am cute looking and to my husband, that equals beautiful.

One guy said I was as ugly as could be FAR AWAY but shockingly beautiful close up, so guess what? I was never far away

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I don't think that's necessarily related to Asperger's. Probably more along the lines of self confidence - which, could be lower due to the difficulties that being autistic can bring, granted. But of course also not everyone is going to share the same opinion, there's always going to be people out there who think you're pretty or ugly, there's never going to be one side.

Just spend as much time as you're willing to make yourself as presentable as possible, and do it to make yourself feel happy, not for other people because that won't help you. Take pride in your appearance and accept any flaws you may have that you can't change and you'll be happier for it.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I imagine it would be nice to be beautiful or handsome though.

I think it has the power to detract from the personality of a person if they can't stay humble. I don't think physical beauty is necessarily a good thing.

 

[Nemo]

Thanks for the mixed perspectives guys (and girl)! I get self confidence could be a factor, and possibly being a girl - I noticed Suzanne agreed? Could that be a girl Aspie trait? I don't know. I love hearing from you guys though, so feel free to keep adding your opinions.

 

[Bolletje]

I've been called beautiful and I've been called fat and ugly. Funny how those negative remarks tend to stay with you way longer than the compliments do... Some days I look in the mirror and feel pretty great about myself, while other days I'd rather stay in because I feel like my face and body and everything is blah.

The most offensive thing (to me) people have said about my appearance is "You know, you're actually quite a beautiful woman when you wear make-up and do your hair and wear a nice dress and high heels." Like my appearance is tolerable, but when I put a lot of effort in it they prefer seeing me. I have trouble explaining why this is so offensive to me, but it hurts. It's made me self-conscious enough that I've started wearing make-up in public more often than not, because I hope people will like me better that way.

 

[Suzanne]

"You know, you're actually quite a beautiful woman when you wear make-up

I had similar said to me once! Also: you could pass as a model if it were not for those spots. This was my husband's former "best friend", also said that he felt that I was the devil, because I have a weak eye. So lovely of him, considering he was really tall and hated it and hardly a picture perfect himself.

When he told me about the model part, I admit to bursting out in peels of laughter and the really weird back handed compliment.

I had another guy said that it certainly couldn't be my looks that my husband went for!

My husband, on the other hand thinks that I look beautiful and even says he prefers me without make up, but when I do wear a bit, he is always equally complimentary. I cannot fathom however, why he finds me beautiful, but who is going to argue that lol

I guess it all comes down to personal preferences but also, something that people seem to not get, called: tact.

 

[Suzanne]

I noticed Suzanne agreed? Could that be a girl Aspie trait? I don't know. I love hearing from you guys though, so feel free to keep adding your opinions.

Not thought about it before, but since you posted, it does make sense that if you cannot read what a person is thinking, then it does cause a sense of floundering in the dark, but conversily, I can read subtle looks, which NT's OFTEN miss! But that comes from years of believing I was an NT and so, trying to fit in and never thought too deeply about the lack of being able to read someone; just thought I was stupid.

I do not think it is a conclusive female aspie trait though. Because even though I can read faces a lot more, I still have that same insecurity of: what does that person think of me? Which is probably why I have chronic social anxiety, because one cannot control another's thoughts.

When I look back at pictures of me, I do laugh, because when I thought I was ugly even I could see I was not ugly and I would get from my husband: I told you so back then that you are beautiful.

But today, I think I can look pretty, but mostly disgusted with my looks.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I am self-conscious about my appearance, especially my complexion, because of having been bullied for my appearance. I actually think that concern over whether you are considered beautiful/attractive is very common, not just amongst aspies, and especially amongst women. We are constantly bombarded with media showing us the "perfect body" and telling us that we can reach this level of perfection if we buy *insert product here*, which we obviously can't because the artificial beauty shown to us as being the ideal we should aspire to is completely unrealistic. This is extremely damaging to women body image, especially to young girls, and these worries can follow us throughout our lives.

 

[Ylva]

It's more of a girl conditioned trait. NT women don't admit it, of course, they don't want to show weakness, but they were also trained from birth to consider it crucial that males find them attractive.

Me, I used to worry about it, being caught between "the feeling of these godawful products on my skin just isn't worth it" and "but boys are supposed to think I'm pretty" but eventually they merged into "making boys find me pretty just isn't worth it". Now I keep my looks average, barely ever get chatted up, and can read books in public as long as people leave me alone.

 

[toothless]

ive been called ugly my whole life but i couldnt care less as i have no awareness of my looks nor other peoples,and to me people are all the same generic lump of flesh.
i dont understand why people feel the need to tell other people they look ugly,just because you feel bad doesnt mean you should project your mood onto other people as well.

 

[OFelixCulpa]

Hey,
I get worried a lot of the time about whether I am perceived as beautiful/conventionally attractive. I have a theory this relates to my (mild) Aspergers and not being able to "read" other people, but I don't know. Does anyone have similar thoughts? I'd love to hear what other people think. Thanks for reading!

Nemo

I think it is perfectly normal to have worries over what people think of you, especially for those of us who can't read people. For girls it usually focuses on beauty, for boys it is more diverse (strength, athleticism, wittiness, etc.--and looks too).

Most such fears are overblown and should be ignored.

You might even turn those fears to your advantage by developing a good habit: every time you feel a bit of anxiety over your appearance, ignore the fear itself and use the occasion to check your posture and your smile. If you sit/stand straight and look happy, most people will find you attractive.

 

[Peatsmoke]

When I was younger, I went through phases of thinking I was ugly, but also phases when I just didn't care about my appearance. I've never really had any idea of whether people think I'm "handsome" or not - I just can't read people in that way. At some point, I decided I didn't care what people thought - I want people to like me for who I am, not what I look like. It seems to me that people who are attracted to you based mainly on your looks are not likely to be very serious or long-lasting partners...

As for spending time with makeup etc - I agree that women (more than men, still) have to deal with a lot of horrible social pressure to look "perfect". Personally, though, I've always found women without makeup and... strange clothes... much more attractive; partly because of my sensory issues with makeup (especially lipstick - so sticky!!), but also because I want to see the real person, not a mask that they wear because of social expectations. That also goes for things like shaved legs/underarms - I always think "why would you do that?! It hurts!" Also the skin feels funny to touch afterwards - or maybe that's just me...

 

[WereBear]

I think it has the power to detract from the personality of a person if they can't stay humble. I don't think physical beauty is necessarily a good thing.

It's a tool. If you rely on it as all you have to offer; well, there's always someone younger and prettier coming along.

I have found that fussing over my physical and mental health does the work for me. My skin, weight, hair, etc all start looking their best, and as long as it adds up to an attractive package, especially for my age, that means my appearance is doing what it is supposed to do .

 

[Mia]

Hey,
I get worried a lot of the time about whether I am perceived as beautiful/conventionally attractive. I have a theory this relates to my (mild) Aspergers and not being able to "read" other people, but I don't know. Does anyone have similar thoughts? I'd love to hear what other people think. Thanks for reading! Nemo

Hi Nemo, There are ways you can figure it out, when I was your age, I never knew. Would look in the mirror and think that my nose was too small, or look at the tiny scar on my forehead, and think of them as flaws. They were all I could see.

Yet I had friends, and they seemed to want to compete with me, especially girls, and boys were nice to me. Never realized why at that age, as I had no idea. Was pretty shy, even scared of others a lot of the time. Cause I could never figure them out, why they acted the way they did around me.

If you have people or friends that want to be around you, it's because they like you usually. And they are attracted to you in some way, both for your personality and the way you might be or look or both.

 

[Mary Terry]

Everyone, NT and otherwise, is concerned about appearance when they are young. I think it flows from 'survival of the fittest.' Most older people are no longer looking for mates and don't care how others rate their appearance on some stupid Hollywood/Madison Avenue-created scale.

Unless, of course, one is a narcissist who pathologically needs to be the center of attention at all times. I daresay we all know someone like that!

 

[Crossbreed]

..., there's always someone younger and prettier coming along.

I notice other women --even relatives-- but I don't consider myself eligible to them.

 

[Suzanne]

(especially lipstick - so sticky!!

My husband who is an NT cannot stand the idea of a woman wearing lipstick and he is so blessed, because I hate wearing lipstick and besides, do not own any. I find that when I did wear it, yep, sticky and uncomfortable and needed to lick it off lol