Back After 2.5 Years - About Adult Daughter

[AlyssasDad]

Hi Everyone,

I last wrote on this forum about my daughter about 2.5 years ago (May 2021) and A LOT has happened. My daughter is smart when it comes to computers but her intellectual and emotional disabilities make her "act" more like a 12 to 14 year old. She is also looks young and people frequently can't believe she's twenty-four.

Background - I raised my daughter on my own from age 5 1/2 to 20. When she was 16, I got remarried and she lived with my new wife and I until she was twenty when she moved into sponsored residential living for two reasons - 1) her arguing was causing too much stress for my wife and I and 2) I wanted to give her a chance to be more independent (and we had Community & Living Waiver). Since age 14, she has been hyperobsessive about boys and was chasing them in the halls at school or calling them at all hours. After age 18, she started having boyfriends as she met them online and they were not good towards her -- telling her to undress on FB Messenger and not being nice to her (calling her dumb/stupid, etc.). She went through several boyfriends and also sponsored residential living homes (as they evicted her due to her anger management problems, stealing, etc.).

What's New

She was moved into a group home for the first time about a year ago but they also had issues with her and, as of last August, evicted her as well. She's now at a new group home.
Just over a year ago, she started going to a new Day Support Program and very quickly met a young man there (28) whom we'll call Paul. Paul, like my daughter, is also intellectually-disabled, and my daughter became instantly enamored of him. Over the past year, it has been a very toxic relationship for both of them. He continually breaks up with her, tells her he's going to call the police on her, blocks her on his phone/FB Messenger, tells her he's found another girlfriend, etc. He is also constantly demanding that she buy things for him.

My daughter is more than willing to give him whatever he demands. He asked for her DVD player, for example, and she gave it to him. She also wanted to give him all 200 of her DVDs as well but we stopped that. Each time though that he makes it seem like it's over between them, my daughter goes into a manic panic mode where she fears she's lost him for good. She says she wants to kill herself and that someone needs to talk to him and get him to be her boyfriend again. By the next day, all is back to "normal" and he says he's her boyfriend again. I don't know if he really realizes it or not, but he's abusing her this way. Unfortunately, he only lives with his father and he seems to be unwilling to do much to help his son given that he's much older and doesn't seem to understand what he needs to do for him (i.e. he doesn't even have legal guardianship for him as his son's IQ is about 70 - a bit lower than my daughter, I think, as she's at 80).

I have tried to get her help -- our area has a Crisis Outreach Center which has a 24/7 Crisis Home which she was admitted last summer for 16 days but that didn't provide any improvement. After that, I found another program, a Group Therapy Program, run by a hospital about an hour away, and she's been attending that full-time for the past month but my daughter is adamant that she wants to stop after next week. I haven't seen any improvement from this either. She wants to stop as she wants to go back to her Day Support Program where she'll see her boyfriend there but it's unlikely they will take her back until there's significant improvement for her as she caused them a lot of problems regarding that boyfriend when she was going there previously.

She does have a therapist, her county case manager, and a behavioral specialist, that working as a team with her also. She's on different medications but those have not changed her behaviors either. I don't like her being on the medications (2) but her psychiatrist believes they do help.

Somehow, what I want for her is to learn/accept that she can be a happy person WITHOUT HAVING A BOYFRIEND and not be dependent on this or any person for her happiness and well-being. She just refuses to accept that as possible. She is adamant that he is the one she wants to marry, have a baby, and buy a house with -- yet neither of them are mentally mature enough to do any of those. He is her longest-lasting "boyfriend" at just over one year now.

I don't know if anyone has been down this path like this or not. I can't seem to find anything like it after extensive Google searches and watching a lot of YouTube videos.

I want her to have a happy life and not one where she only finds her happiness when a boyfriend is paying attention to her. In all her years so far, she has never had a boyfriend that was nice to her (e.g. remembering her birthday, not demanding things of her, etc.). So she really doesn't know what a good relationship is with the opposite sex. I'm her father and I love her but, of course, she wants the love of a young man who is in love with her. She just has never had that -- only the obsessive love she has for them.

Is there any thoughts anyone can provide? I guess I'm also looking for emotional support as I don't see this getting any better.

Please - only kind words if you can. It has been very stressful and my heart is only for my daughter and her happiness in life.

Thank you and best wishes for the New Year.

Alyssa's Dad

 

[kriss72]

I can feel your love and care for your daughter in what you write, I'm not the right one to give advice to you, but I hope for the best outcome for both of you.

 

[Alexej]

I hear your heart for her, and wanting the best for her.
Sorry advice in this area is not something I can give,
May you get the wisdom you need to do what is right for her (and you) at this time

 

[Forest Cat]

That's terrible. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is, if it was me I would have a serious talk with the boyfriends father. And explain the problem to him. He has some responsibility in this, it's his son. I would have talked to the boyfriend too, but it sounds like that might not help much. That he might not understand and there are some limits to what you can do to him. It all just sounds terrible.

 

[Aspychata]

This is so tough. I guess she really can't go back to the home with the built-in boyfriend. You have really tried everything, but there are limitations for you, and her. Can you discuss with the behavioral support person to steer her to being independent? I think it will take time, but it can only happen if you ask for specialist help. Is there any special interest that made override the boyfriend special interest?

 

[AlyssasDad]

I can feel your love and care for your daughter in what you write, I'm not the right one to give advice to you, but I hope for the best outcome for both of you.

Thank you, Kriss. It's a long road and this is like her only obsession in life (besides going to rock concerts -- which she goes to once or twice a year as a birthday or Christmas present).

 

[AlyssasDad]

That's terrible. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is, if it was me I would have a serious talk with the boyfriends father. And explain the problem to him. He has some responsibility in this, it's his son. I would have talked to the boyfriend too, but it sounds like that might not help much. That he might not understand and there are some limits to what you can do to him. It all just sounds terrible.

Thanks Forest Cat. The young man's father doesn't like my daughter that much, in the sense of her always calling his son and has even, at times, had his son block her on his phone but then the son unblocks his phone later and the two of them are back "together" again. Unfortunately, this father is not tech-savvy at all and doesn't have email or even does text messaging so I can only can only communicate with him talking over the phone. It does seem as though the father has some intellectual disabilities as well as I have told him many times that he should get guardianship for his son but he doesn't seem to do anything about it as he thinks it will be too difficult and/or too expensive.

 

[AlyssasDad]

This is so tough. I guess she really can't go back to the home with the built-in boyfriend. You have really tried everything, but there are limitations for you, and her. Can you discuss with the behavioral support person to steer her to being independent? I think it will take time, but it can only happen if you ask for specialist help. Is there any special interest that made override the boyfriend special interest?

Thanks Aspychata. She wasn't living in the home of the boyfriend. The boyfriend lives with his father about an hour away by car and she rarely meets up with him as A) I'm not willing to drive her out there and back as it's out in the countryside with nothing nearby and I don't trust leaving her there alone as they both want to have sex and I don't trust the boyfriend's father to not leave them alone and B) I'm always being told that their one car doesn't work that well and they can't drive over to our area (I think the father doesn't want to drive that far either).

Daughter is interested in volunteer work but that won't overcome her obsession with the boyfriend. I just don't know if she will ever outgrow this or if she's destined for a life of always obsessing with boyfriends and never actually having a good relationship.

 

[Neri]

Thanks Aspychata. She wasn't living in the home of the boyfriend. The boyfriend lives with his father about an hour away by car and she rarely meets up with him as A) I'm not willing to drive her out there and back as it's out in the countryside with nothing nearby and I don't trust leaving her there alone as they both want to have sex and I don't trust the boyfriend's father to not leave them alone and B) I'm always being told that their one car doesn't work that well and they can't drive over to our area (I think the father doesn't want to drive that far either).

Daughter is interested in volunteer work but that won't overcome her obsession with the boyfriend. I just don't know if she will ever outgrow this or if she's destined for a life of always obsessing with boyfriends and never actually having a good relationship.

I think you worry a bit too much. She has to live her own life and even make her own mistakes.

Plus Autistic women who obsess about guys rarely get over that "special interest" in my experience. I know you are struggling and I feel for you, I really do. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm an autistic woman who has experienced both sides, similarly. Although I am a high IQ autist, I am the type to obssess about whomever I'm into, and my mother is the same.

And I did cause my parents an awful lot of teeth gnashing and nail bitingly extreme anxiety and worry from a young age. I got pregnant to a very wayward, awful choice of a man, in my parent's opinion (and eventually mine, but that took years) at the age of 17. He was twice my age. My second born is an intellectually disabled autist. All my 5 boys, by this same man, have disabilities and mental health conditions. My two girls less so, fortunately, as they are now mums themselves.

You really need to loosen the reins a little. You can't protect adult children from the things, they themselves, need to learn.

If you focus on developing your own peace of mind, your own trust in life and the way in which it teaches us what we need, you will be able to provide solid emotional support and wisdom for her, when she comes to you, ready to hear it.

You need your own solid boundaries with her, which means also not trying to coerce her into your own agenda, but to respect her autonomy, and need to experience life on her own terms. Life will provide enough consequences for her and it's your job to be that unconditionally loving guide, when she needs it, and when she comes to you for it.

I wasn't really properly equipped for parenthood, but I've done my best, regardless, and it has matured me and ended up being the best thing I've done in life. Parenthood at 17 and having 6 more children, when you have ASD2 is no joke, and most would disapprove, but, I believe children are a blessing and divine, and that life is imbued with an Infinitely intelligent design clause.

My children are still an asset to this world, despite all of the genetic difficulties and subsequent challenges from being born into a family with our problems.

Your daughter is young, but she can learn to be trustworthy, especially if you instill in her that she is capable of trust, by cultivating some trust in her ability to learn from her own mistakes and to mature, through them. But she needs to be given the chance. She needs to be allowed to deepen her adult experience of life by being allowed to learn to adult. That doesn't mean cutting her adrift, it just means loosening the reins and respecting her, despite how you think she is messing up her life. It's HER life to mess up if she wants to, that's real love; trusting her enough to allow her the space to grow, and the space to grow up.

 

[AlyssasDad]

I think you worry a bit too much. She has to live her own life and even make her own mistakes.

Plus Autistic women who obsess about guys rarely get over that "special interest" in my experience. I know you are struggling and I feel for you, I really do. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm an autistic woman who has experienced both sides, similarly. Although I am a high IQ autist, I am the type to obsess about whomever I'm into, and my mother is the same.

And I did cause my parents an awful lot of teeth gnashing and nail bitingly extreme anxiety and worry from a young age. I got pregnant to a very wayward, awful choice of a man, in my parent's opinion (and eventually mine, but that took years) at the age of 17. He was twice my age. My second born is an intellectually disabled autist. All my 5 boys, by this same man, have disabilities and mental health conditions. My two girls less so, fortunately, as they are now mums themselves.

You really need to loosen the reins a little. You can't protect adult children from the things, they themselves, need to learn.

If you focus on developing your own peace of mind, your own trust in life and the way in which it teaches us what we need, you will be able to provide solid emotional support and wisdom for her, when she comes to you, ready to hear it.

You need your own solid boundaries with her, which means also not trying to coerce her into your own agenda, but to respect her autonomy, and need to experience life on her own terms. Life will provide enough consequences for her and it's your job to be that unconditionally loving guide, when she needs it, and when she comes to you for it.

I wasn't really properly equipped for parenthood, but I've done my best, regardless, and it has matured me and ended up being the best thing I've done in life. Parenthood at 17 and having 6 more children, when you have ASD2 is no joke, and most would disapprove, but, I believe children are a blessing and divine, and that life is imbued with an Infinitely intelligent design clause.

My children are still an asset to this world, despite all of the genetic difficulties and subsequent challenges from being born into a family with our problems.

Your daughter is young, but she can learn to be trustworthy, especially if you instill in her that she is capable of trust, by cultivating some trust in her ability to learn from her own mistakes and to mature, through them. But she needs to be given the chance. She needs to be allowed to deepen her adult experience of life by being allowed to learn to adult. That doesn't mean cutting her adrift, it just means loosening the reins and respecting her, despite how you think she is messing up her life. It's HER life to mess up if she wants to, that's real love; trusting her enough to allow her the space to grow, and the space to grow up.

Hi Neri and belated Happy Birthday,

Thank you for your long and well-thought reply - I do appreciate you taking the time. Yes, you are right on some counts but what is different is that my daughter never got beyond the 4th grade reading/mathematics levels and her emotional IQ is more like a 12 or 14 year old. So, in that sense, she's never really going to "mature" into an adult capable of adult relationships. Her neurologist says that in a MRI taken a few years ago, he saw some brain damage which may explain why she is the way she is and not necessarily that she was born autistic. She did have a difficult birth and was taken into ICU for several hours but were told that she had a hematoma on the forehead (bruising) but now that was over two decades ago.

You evidently are quite intelligent in that you had six children with challenges and raised all of them. On my side, I see that if my daughter was to get pregnant, first the uncaring boyfriends will have nothing to do with the child and second, my daughter would quickly get overwhelmed with trying to take care of it. At my age now (nearing retirement), and although I love my daughter, I cannot raise a child from babyhood again. So that is why I cannot "loosen the reigns" so to speak as, if I did that, she (and us) would be in a difficult predicament.

You obviously were quite capable of raising children and to provide for them. My daughter could work a very basic job but it would only pay minimum wage and that would not be enough to raise children. The issue with her working is that she has no way to get to/from a place of work as her group home can't take her and Medicaid-paid transportation won't take her either. There is no nearby public transportation either.

So, unfortunately, I don't see things improving for her in the short term.

 

[Mary Terry]

Thanks Aspychata. She wasn't living in the home of the boyfriend. The boyfriend lives with his father about an hour away by car and she rarely meets up with him as A) I'm not willing to drive her out there and back as it's out in the countryside with nothing nearby and I don't trust leaving her there alone as they both want to have sex and I don't trust the boyfriend's father to not leave them alone and B) I'm always being told that their one car doesn't work that well and they can't drive over to our area (I think the father doesn't want to drive that far either).

Daughter is interested in volunteer work but that won't overcome her obsession with the boyfriend. I just don't know if she will ever outgrow this or if she's destined for a life of always obsessing with boyfriends and never actually having a good relationship.

I hope your daughter is using birth control such as a contraceptive implant. Matters would be considerably more difficult if she gets pregnant. I wish I had some good advice but really don't know what to say other than to continue loving and trying to protect her.

There are numerous threads on this website originated by men who are obsessed with finding girlfriends. Perhaps you can find some useful insight from reading through them.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi Alyssas Dad, I'm really, really sorry for your worries and the undoubtedly very difficult situation you're in. One of my thoughts was: Do you have any kind of support in all of this? A therapist, a support group, an association who helps parents/relatives in these situations? I assume you know everything there is to know, since you've been dealing with this for more than 20 years now. Only, you didn't mention any help or support for yourself in your post, and I haven't been around this forum last time you wrote.

About the current boyfriend: I really don't know what to do about that either, apart from trying to talk to the dad, I'm really sorry.

The issue with her working is that she has no way to get to/from a place of work as her group home can't take her and Medicaid-paid transportation won't take her either. There is no nearby public transportation either.

This doesn't sound optimal... I guess that since she had to change several group homes, there might not be so many left around where you live. But maybe it would be worth considering looking for a place for her to live where she has means of getting around without having to rely on you as her driver? I realize that this might lead to other problems, like her seeing her boyfriends without anyone keeping an eye on things. On the other hand, it would give her more freedom, maybe enable her to work or volunteer a few hours and try other things in life apart from partners. Or maybe even earn her own money to visit rock concerts more frequently, if that's what she's into.

I hope your daughter is using birth control such as a contraceptive implant.

Yes, I thought that too. Obviously, she shouldn't be forced. But maybe you or her doctor could have a talk with her about it (if she doesn't have a reliable birth control yet)? If her boyfriend is cleared on the STD front, technically there would be nothing to worry about regarding them having lots of sex. And she's allowed to have sex, being a legal adult. The only thing you can really do is try to make it as safe as possible for her, but you can't stop her if she wants it. I understand your concern, but in that way, there's not so much you can do about it.

 

[AlyssasDad]

I hope your daughter is using birth control such as a contraceptive implant. Matters would be considerably more difficult if she gets pregnant. I wish I had some good advice but really don't know what to say other than to continue loving and trying to protect her.

There are numerous threads on this website originated by men who are obsessed with finding girlfriends. Perhaps you can find some useful insight from reading through them.

Hi Mary,

As she doesn't actually get to spend any alone time with this boyfriend, birth control isn't needed -- although we did try it before just in case but found it caused her to gain a significant amount of weight. Not sure what I can get from reading posts from guys desperate to find girlfriends but I'll take a look. Thank you.

 

[AlyssasDad]

Hi Alyssas Dad, I'm really, really sorry for your worries and the undoubtedly very difficult situation you're in. One of my thoughts was: Do you have any kind of support in all of this? A therapist, a support group, an association who helps parents/relatives in these situations? I assume you know everything there is to know, since you've been dealing with this for more than 20 years now. Only, you didn't mention any help or support for yourself in your post, and I haven't been around this forum last time you wrote.

About the current boyfriend: I really don't know what to do about that either, apart from trying to talk to the dad, I'm really sorry.


This doesn't sound optimal... I guess that since she had to change several group homes, there might not be so many left around where you live. But maybe it would be worth considering looking for a place for her to live where she has means of getting around without having to rely on you as her driver? I realize that this might lead to other problems, like her seeing her boyfriends without anyone keeping an eye on things. On the other hand, it would give her more freedom, maybe enable her to work or volunteer a few hours and try other things in life apart from partners. Or maybe even earn her own money to visit rock concerts more frequently, if that's what she's into.


Yes, I thought that too. Obviously, she shouldn't be forced. But maybe you or her doctor could have a talk with her about it (if she doesn't have a reliable birth control yet)? If her boyfriend is cleared on the STD front, technically there would be nothing to worry about regarding them having lots of sex. And she's allowed to have sex, being a legal adult. The only thing you can really do is try to make it as safe as possible for her, but you can't stop her if she wants it. I understand your concern, but in that way, there's not so much you can do about it.

Hi Aurora,

I don't really have support -- that's one of the reasons why I posted here. My wife can only take so much stress from her stepdaughter (she lived with her for four years and that were a lot of times where her stepdaughter was physically aggressive with her as well as verbally aggressive) -- so doesn't like to spend time talking about her as she sees it that that the only workable solution is that she needs to be put into some long term full-time therapy program far away where she would have no contact with the boyfriend and they would focus on her learning how to value herself. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like such programs exist in my state (Virginia) and, if they are ones outside the state, her state Medicaid wouldn't cover it.

I have started recently seeing a therapist (older guy) who is still trying to figure me out as well as me deciding whether it's helping yet. But at least it's something.

Yes, there are still a few other group homes in the area but some of them (that we've toured) are not going to work -- e.g., she would be in a home with low-functioning individuals. The house she's in now had an older woman that (not told to us) screamed ALOT and made it difficult for my daughter at times but, thankfully, she's just moved out. Group homes are like a box of chocolates -- never know what you're gonna get.

I should add here that the boyfriend's father doesn't want him to have sex and possibly get a girl pregnant as his son just doesn't have the mental maturity to be a father -- he's also like a 12 year old. Just because they are chronologically old enough to have sex doesn't mean they should if they can't handle what could come of it.

I am looking into (as a New Year's resolution) to getting her Companion Services which is covered by Medicaid. This is someone that comes to the group home and takes her out somewhere. She wants this person to take her to her boyfriend's house (an hour away each way) so I don't know if a Companion will do that (cost of gas) as the job pays only about $16 an hour. Unfortunately, Companion Services can't take them to a job as they are supposed to be with them the whole time.

 

[Neri]

Hi Neri and belated Happy Birthday,

Thank you for your long and well-thought reply - I do appreciate you taking the time. Yes, you are right on some counts but what is different is that my daughter never got beyond the 4th grade reading/mathematics levels and her emotional IQ is more like a 12 or 14 year old. So, in that sense, she's never really going to "mature" into an adult capable of adult relationships. Her neurologist says that in a MRI taken a few years ago, he saw some brain damage which may explain why she is the way she is and not necessarily that she was born autistic. She did have a difficult birth and was taken into ICU for several hours but were told that she had a hematoma on the forehead (bruising) but now that was over two decades ago.

You evidently are quite intelligent in that you had six children with challenges and raised all of them. On my side, I see that if my daughter was to get pregnant, first the uncaring boyfriends will have nothing to do with the child and second, my daughter would quickly get overwhelmed with trying to take care of it. At my age now (nearing retirement), and although I love my daughter, I cannot raise a child from babyhood again. So that is why I cannot "loosen the reigns" so to speak as, if I did that, she (and us) would be in a difficult predicament.

You obviously were quite capable of raising children and to provide for them. My daughter could work a very basic job but it would only pay minimum wage and that would not be enough to raise children. The issue with her working is that she has no way to get to/from a place of work as her group home can't take her and Medicaid-paid transportation won't take her either. There is no nearby public transportation either.

So, unfortunately, I don't see things improving for her in the short term.

It's not belated birthday, thank you for the birthday greetings, it is my birthday today. And you are right of course. My second born has an intellectual disability and he would be utterly incapable of being responsible for having his own child, although he used to talk about wanting a girlfriend and being a dad. He's not really capable of having a relationship at all, at this pont and he's already in his thirties. He is in supported accommodation and will always be a man -child.
Yes, I have a higher than average IQ, and it's 7 children that I had. Sorry if I missed the mark with my advice, of course you must disregard any and all advice that doesn't apply.

I wasn't meaning that your daughter should have a baby, merely that our children must live their own lives, regardless of what and with who, we think they should be.