AlyssasDad
Active Member
Hi Everyone,
I last wrote on this forum about my daughter about 2.5 years ago (May 2021) and A LOT has happened. My daughter is smart when it comes to computers but her intellectual and emotional disabilities make her "act" more like a 12 to 14 year old. She is also looks young and people frequently can't believe she's twenty-four.
Background - I raised my daughter on my own from age 5 1/2 to 20. When she was 16, I got remarried and she lived with my new wife and I until she was twenty when she moved into sponsored residential living for two reasons - 1) her arguing was causing too much stress for my wife and I and 2) I wanted to give her a chance to be more independent (and we had Community & Living Waiver). Since age 14, she has been hyperobsessive about boys and was chasing them in the halls at school or calling them at all hours. After age 18, she started having boyfriends as she met them online and they were not good towards her -- telling her to undress on FB Messenger and not being nice to her (calling her dumb/stupid, etc.). She went through several boyfriends and also sponsored residential living homes (as they evicted her due to her anger management problems, stealing, etc.).
What's New
She was moved into a group home for the first time about a year ago but they also had issues with her and, as of last August, evicted her as well. She's now at a new group home.
Just over a year ago, she started going to a new Day Support Program and very quickly met a young man there (28) whom we'll call Paul. Paul, like my daughter, is also intellectually-disabled, and my daughter became instantly enamored of him. Over the past year, it has been a very toxic relationship for both of them. He continually breaks up with her, tells her he's going to call the police on her, blocks her on his phone/FB Messenger, tells her he's found another girlfriend, etc. He is also constantly demanding that she buy things for him.
My daughter is more than willing to give him whatever he demands. He asked for her DVD player, for example, and she gave it to him. She also wanted to give him all 200 of her DVDs as well but we stopped that. Each time though that he makes it seem like it's over between them, my daughter goes into a manic panic mode where she fears she's lost him for good. She says she wants to kill herself and that someone needs to talk to him and get him to be her boyfriend again. By the next day, all is back to "normal" and he says he's her boyfriend again. I don't know if he really realizes it or not, but he's abusing her this way. Unfortunately, he only lives with his father and he seems to be unwilling to do much to help his son given that he's much older and doesn't seem to understand what he needs to do for him (i.e. he doesn't even have legal guardianship for him as his son's IQ is about 70 - a bit lower than my daughter, I think, as she's at 80).
I have tried to get her help -- our area has a Crisis Outreach Center which has a 24/7 Crisis Home which she was admitted last summer for 16 days but that didn't provide any improvement. After that, I found another program, a Group Therapy Program, run by a hospital about an hour away, and she's been attending that full-time for the past month but my daughter is adamant that she wants to stop after next week. I haven't seen any improvement from this either. She wants to stop as she wants to go back to her Day Support Program where she'll see her boyfriend there but it's unlikely they will take her back until there's significant improvement for her as she caused them a lot of problems regarding that boyfriend when she was going there previously.
She does have a therapist, her county case manager, and a behavioral specialist, that working as a team with her also. She's on different medications but those have not changed her behaviors either. I don't like her being on the medications (2) but her psychiatrist believes they do help.
Somehow, what I want for her is to learn/accept that she can be a happy person WITHOUT HAVING A BOYFRIEND and not be dependent on this or any person for her happiness and well-being. She just refuses to accept that as possible. She is adamant that he is the one she wants to marry, have a baby, and buy a house with -- yet neither of them are mentally mature enough to do any of those. He is her longest-lasting "boyfriend" at just over one year now.
I don't know if anyone has been down this path like this or not. I can't seem to find anything like it after extensive Google searches and watching a lot of YouTube videos.
I want her to have a happy life and not one where she only finds her happiness when a boyfriend is paying attention to her. In all her years so far, she has never had a boyfriend that was nice to her (e.g. remembering her birthday, not demanding things of her, etc.). So she really doesn't know what a good relationship is with the opposite sex. I'm her father and I love her but, of course, she wants the love of a young man who is in love with her. She just has never had that -- only the obsessive love she has for them.
Is there any thoughts anyone can provide? I guess I'm also looking for emotional support as I don't see this getting any better.
Please - only kind words if you can. It has been very stressful and my heart is only for my daughter and her happiness in life.
Thank you and best wishes for the New Year.
Alyssa's Dad
I last wrote on this forum about my daughter about 2.5 years ago (May 2021) and A LOT has happened. My daughter is smart when it comes to computers but her intellectual and emotional disabilities make her "act" more like a 12 to 14 year old. She is also looks young and people frequently can't believe she's twenty-four.
Background - I raised my daughter on my own from age 5 1/2 to 20. When she was 16, I got remarried and she lived with my new wife and I until she was twenty when she moved into sponsored residential living for two reasons - 1) her arguing was causing too much stress for my wife and I and 2) I wanted to give her a chance to be more independent (and we had Community & Living Waiver). Since age 14, she has been hyperobsessive about boys and was chasing them in the halls at school or calling them at all hours. After age 18, she started having boyfriends as she met them online and they were not good towards her -- telling her to undress on FB Messenger and not being nice to her (calling her dumb/stupid, etc.). She went through several boyfriends and also sponsored residential living homes (as they evicted her due to her anger management problems, stealing, etc.).
What's New
She was moved into a group home for the first time about a year ago but they also had issues with her and, as of last August, evicted her as well. She's now at a new group home.
Just over a year ago, she started going to a new Day Support Program and very quickly met a young man there (28) whom we'll call Paul. Paul, like my daughter, is also intellectually-disabled, and my daughter became instantly enamored of him. Over the past year, it has been a very toxic relationship for both of them. He continually breaks up with her, tells her he's going to call the police on her, blocks her on his phone/FB Messenger, tells her he's found another girlfriend, etc. He is also constantly demanding that she buy things for him.
My daughter is more than willing to give him whatever he demands. He asked for her DVD player, for example, and she gave it to him. She also wanted to give him all 200 of her DVDs as well but we stopped that. Each time though that he makes it seem like it's over between them, my daughter goes into a manic panic mode where she fears she's lost him for good. She says she wants to kill herself and that someone needs to talk to him and get him to be her boyfriend again. By the next day, all is back to "normal" and he says he's her boyfriend again. I don't know if he really realizes it or not, but he's abusing her this way. Unfortunately, he only lives with his father and he seems to be unwilling to do much to help his son given that he's much older and doesn't seem to understand what he needs to do for him (i.e. he doesn't even have legal guardianship for him as his son's IQ is about 70 - a bit lower than my daughter, I think, as she's at 80).
I have tried to get her help -- our area has a Crisis Outreach Center which has a 24/7 Crisis Home which she was admitted last summer for 16 days but that didn't provide any improvement. After that, I found another program, a Group Therapy Program, run by a hospital about an hour away, and she's been attending that full-time for the past month but my daughter is adamant that she wants to stop after next week. I haven't seen any improvement from this either. She wants to stop as she wants to go back to her Day Support Program where she'll see her boyfriend there but it's unlikely they will take her back until there's significant improvement for her as she caused them a lot of problems regarding that boyfriend when she was going there previously.
She does have a therapist, her county case manager, and a behavioral specialist, that working as a team with her also. She's on different medications but those have not changed her behaviors either. I don't like her being on the medications (2) but her psychiatrist believes they do help.
Somehow, what I want for her is to learn/accept that she can be a happy person WITHOUT HAVING A BOYFRIEND and not be dependent on this or any person for her happiness and well-being. She just refuses to accept that as possible. She is adamant that he is the one she wants to marry, have a baby, and buy a house with -- yet neither of them are mentally mature enough to do any of those. He is her longest-lasting "boyfriend" at just over one year now.
I don't know if anyone has been down this path like this or not. I can't seem to find anything like it after extensive Google searches and watching a lot of YouTube videos.
I want her to have a happy life and not one where she only finds her happiness when a boyfriend is paying attention to her. In all her years so far, she has never had a boyfriend that was nice to her (e.g. remembering her birthday, not demanding things of her, etc.). So she really doesn't know what a good relationship is with the opposite sex. I'm her father and I love her but, of course, she wants the love of a young man who is in love with her. She just has never had that -- only the obsessive love she has for them.
Is there any thoughts anyone can provide? I guess I'm also looking for emotional support as I don't see this getting any better.
Please - only kind words if you can. It has been very stressful and my heart is only for my daughter and her happiness in life.
Thank you and best wishes for the New Year.
Alyssa's Dad