Autistic Daughter and Online Boyfriends

[Crossbreed]

If she's that immature and is a danger to herself, you should consider legally getting a guardianship over her.

He stated that he already had a guardianship,

...I'm her legal guardian...

 

[paloftoon]

Based on how your describe your daughter and this man's situation, sounds like a good match potentially actually. I think you should be supportive and try to help make this relationship blossom. Rather than hold this person back, let them meet in public places. If they want to go to a private motel, that is their business pretty much- but considering your situation, it's okay to request knowing what place they will be staying at. Give them a chance. If something happens, something happens and you deal with it. You've more than taken all the precautions you can- but you have to let go now. Don't live your daughter's life. Give her a chance to learn and grow on her own- it's the only way that she can.

It'll be good for both yourself and her.

 

[Mary Terry]

I feel like you're reading misogyny and sexism into words that don't say that at all. We seem to live in an over-sensitized culture that is always on the lookout for an "ism" to judge people on. I'm not trying to say that sexism doesn't exist. It most certainly does, but there's also such as thing as overthinking what people say.

Most 12-13yo kids of all genders are immature. Period. That's *all* he's saying. He's not making any implications at all about "because she's a she".

I totally agree.

And I disclaim any responsibility for Britney Spears' well-documented, ongoing and long term mental illness(es). In fact, I feel sorry for her family in having to put up with her behavior. Courts and judges are not stupid in evaluating those situations. Who has custody of her children? Last I heard, the father had custody, not her. That should tell us a lot about Ms. Spears' "victimization" by "us".

 

[Streetwise]

I totally agree.

And I disclaim any responsibility for Britney Spears' well-documented, ongoing and long term mental illness(es). In fact, I feel sorry for her family in having to put up with her behavior. Courts and judges are not stupid in evaluating those situations. Who has custody of her children? Last I heard, the father had custody, not her. That should tell us a lot about Ms. Spears' "victimization" by "us".

have your neurological group ever been demonized say for killing a lot of people in a short amount of time ,I know nothing about Britney Spears so I'm not going to say a judge is correct,what I know of judicial decisions they aren't always just and I have autistic neurology I don't think anyone should decide that she's imperfect .

 

[SDRSpark]

The thing about Britney's case is that she's basically a cash cow for her conservators. She's required to pay them a salary for managing her finances, and she's required to pay their legal representation when they go to court against her. She also brings in a lot of money.

In most cases of conservatorship, there's not nearly so much clear financial gain for the people pushing to maintain control of the person's finances.

I don't pretend to know everything about the situation (I do know the media has done their best to make her look really bad over the years) but the fact that there's so much money to be had in her conservatorship alone makes me INCREDIBLY suspicious.

 

[Crossbreed]

...I have autistic neurology I don't think anyone should decide that she's imperfect .

Autistic neurology, alone, is not the basis for a guardianship. It is usually assigned at or near a severity level of three.

(Edit: I have autism and I am a legal guardian.)

 

[Crossbreed]

In most cases of conservatorship, there's not nearly so much clear financial gain for the people pushing to maintain control of the person's finances.

I don't pretend to know everything about the situation (I do know the media has done their best to make her look really bad over the years) but the fact that there's so much money to be had in her conservatorship alone makes me INCREDIBLY suspicious.

As her conservator, I submit my daughter's books to the court every year, for review.

I have to imagine that Britney's family has the same obligation.

 

[paloftoon]

The thing about Britney's case is that she's basically a cash cow for her conservators. She's required to pay them a salary for managing her finances, and she's required to pay their legal representation when they go to court against her. She also brings in a lot of money.

. . .

"Hit My Baby One More Time! My loneliness, is killing me. . ."

Backmasking:
...Baby One More Time - Backwards

 

[Mary Terry]

The thing about Britney's case is that she's basically a cash cow for her conservators. She's required to pay them a salary for managing her finances, and she's required to pay their legal representation when they go to court against her. She also brings in a lot of money.

In most cases of conservatorship, there's not nearly so much clear financial gain for the people pushing to maintain control of the person's finances.

I don't pretend to know everything about the situation (I do know the media has done their best to make her look really bad over the years) but the fact that there's so much money to be had in her conservatorship alone makes me INCREDIBLY suspicious.

State laws dictate what expenses must be paid from conservatorship funds. The judge likely lacks any ability to deviate from a statutory mandate. Why should a court-appointed conservator have to work for free? Even executors and administrators of trusts and wills are entitled to be paid for their services and expenses from trust or estate assets.

There are many, many conservatorships in the US for enormous amounts of money, and the courts are well-versed in dealing with them. These are routine judicial matters, and Britney Spears' money may pale in comparison with the amounts in other conservatorships. While she may make a lot of money, she has a long demonstrated inability to responsibly manage her affairs; hence, a court recognized a need to protect her from herself. She allegedly is extremely bi-polar and unstable. While the media may have portrayed her in a manner that she did not like, it is unfair to blame the public for her public personae. She created that personae herself, perhaps during the throes of a manic episode when she would have benefitted from having a court-appointed guardian to protect her, but it is self-created by her behavior nonetheless.

 

[Magna]

Oh, you mean like how Britney Spears is still in conservatorship because we misogynists enjoyed dehumanizing her and couldn't get past our self-righteousness. Pretty much none of us are held accountable for our past behavior, while she's still paying decades later for the disgusting thing that we collectively did.

I assume you're using the pronoun "we" loosely here? I know who Britney Spears is, but I've literally never heard one of her songs. I've never watched any videos about her or made by/with her nor have I watched any interviews with her etc. I know her name and I've seen her image enough to just maybe pick her out of a lineup (moderate face blindness).

 

[AlyssasDad]

Is there a way that you can be proactive in helping her meet *good* people?

Disabled people can and do want and enjoy sex and relationships (although it's commonly believed that we can't consent, this really aggravates me and a whole bunch of others as well) - but it doesn't sound to me like you object to her having a relationship, it sounds like you object to the people she is meeting.

My suggestion/challenge for you is, help her meet good people. Teach her about healthy relationships (even if she does have the mentality of a 12 or 13 year old, as you say, a 12 or 13 year old is capable of understanding these concepts) teacher her about contraceptives (if you haven't already) and give her avenues to meet good people.

Because if what she wants is sex/a relationship, she's going to find a way to make that happen, regardless if you monitor her online activity or cut off her internet. She'll find a way. She may not be as emotionally/mentally mature as others her age, but she knows what she wants and she'll find a way to get it. It's far better that she's able to meet those needs in a safe, healthy manner then to resort to sneaking around to get it done.

You're right to be concerned about your daughter attracting predators, especially online. Autistic people ARE often vulnerable to predators, and online dating is rife with them.

Yes, I actually do want for my daughter to have a "normal" relationship with a young man but this man is taking it to an absurd level. He is now saying that he will find an apartment near her and move there so that there is no longer a three-hour train ride and he can simply have a large SUV Uber/Lyft stop by and pick her up and go off to who knows where or his apartment.

I talked to this guy last Sunday and Monday and told him to slow it down and he agreed that he would hold off on meeting her until after he had his upcoming weight loss surgery (says he's going to go from 480 down to 240 so losing half of his weight which I'm not sure is actually doable).

My daughter, by the way, lives in a service provider home (not in my home) as it gives her the first step towards independence by living outside the home and she has been living with a nearby family of a wife, her husband, and their 45 year old autistic daughter.

The service provider just informed me yesterday that they are giving their one-month's notice as she feels that this man could, at any time, show up at her house and my daughter would run out into the waiting Uber/Lyft and she would be responsible for her having gone missing. So now my daughter will need to find an alternate place as coming home would not solve the problem -- only exacerbate it. Further, any other home could also face the same issue of this man showing up and taking her away.

We are having a meeting with her Case Manager with the county soon to see what can be done. It may be that she needs to go into some type of dormitory-type facility where she cannot just go out on her own and visitors have to check in at the front desk. Not a psychiatric institution but someplace where they have security at the door.

Please understand that I cannot, and will not, allow some man to manipulate her and fool her so that she ends up a single, unwed mother with a child she is not mature enough to raise. For example, when told that Pop-Tarts are unhealthy and that she should eat something else for breakfast, she may retort and say, "When I have children, I will let them eat Pop-Tarts anytime they want!" Last weekend, she was binge-watching Sesame Street and Barney. She is not mentally mature to be married and have children of her own.

 

[AlyssasDad]

Hello & welcome.

(There is a lot to unpack there.)

If you are in the USA, that means that she cannot give sexual consent (just like a minor). If you told her suitors that, it may discourage them. If you document having told them that, they will have no legal excuse if they persist in their sexual agenda with her. (The legal guardianship suggests that her diagnosis is at or near ASD3.)

Her mental age of 12 or 13 is not legally relevant, but serves to elaborate on the conflicts you face. If she were ASD1, 12-13 would not impede her ability to otherwise function in an adult capacity. (That is where many of us are at.) ASD3 [that you have a guardianship] means that there are other issues/severe co-morbid conditions at play.

My 33yo, ASD2 son (m.a. = 8yo) has a required representative payee, but not a guardian. As he approached 18, he became very defiant toward the rules within our house. As a legal adult, if he would have gotten physically aggressive in challenging our house rules AND we would use force to defend ourselves from him, it would have opened us up to legal liabilities (even if we were found innocent each time).

(We do not seek to override his majority rights, but insist on standards for what may or may not happen within our home.)
Just before 18, we let him move into a group home. He is currently in a supervised apartment.

I am the legal guardian of my 26yo, ASD3 daughter with a mental age of 18 mos. Though she might avail herself to an opportunistic sexual contact, she does not have the sophistication necessary to pursue one.

Thank you for the information. She has been diagnosed several times and is on a waiting list for another diagnosis. She must be ASD3 but I haven't heard abbreviation before. I have full legal guardianship for her and have handled everything for her over the years as she lacks the capacity (as well as the interest) to handle things like making her doctor's appointments, understanding her bank account, etc.

I cannot imagine what it must be to be raising a daughter with the mental age of 18 months as she must have troubles with communication. So I do hear what you say and understand you have a lot of experience and I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

My daughter, by the way, moved out of our home last year to give her the first step towards independence some day. I did not want to be one of those parents that has their high-functioning autistic daughter always living at home as what I was seeing with other autistic parents in our community. I can and believe that she may someday be able to live in a supervised apartment like your son, perhaps with one or two young women. But I still feel that day is a long way off as she needs to mature more if that is even indeed possible. She has been living in a residence of another family that has the mother, husband, and their 45 year old autistic daughter.

Although she has had issues there (arguing, not following rules) the mother and husband decided yesterday to give their 30 day notice and she must leave their house by the third week of June. This current boyfriend is the deal breaker as they fear he may, in fact, come to the house in an Uber/Lyft and she would run out to him and they would drive off who knows where and they would be held responsible for her having gone missing as while she is in their home, they are responsible for her whereabouts.

We cannot have her come home as that would only continue the problem as she would be making demands and fighting at home and this man could potentially show up at our house as well.

A friend has suggested I get a restraining order against him but I don't think that's possible as he hasn't made any threats except to be saying that he is now considering to move here and find an apartment so that he can be near her. This is a 29 year old man that has enough money to do it and has professed to saying he loves her after just two days of meeting her online and willing to marry her on the third day. In my book, this doesn't make sense for a non-autistic man (he says that he's not) to be doing with a mentally-immature young woman. Either he's lying about not being autistic or he's preying on the fact that my daughter is immature and will marry him the first chance he has to get them the two of them together. My daughter sees marriage as a way to get out from the rules she's been having to live under, both at home and at the residence where she's been living. By marrying this guy, she sees that he can pay for everything and she can live in an apartment and be free of all rules. So she doesn't really love him for him but what he can give her.

 

[SDRSpark]

Wait, you think she's too immature to manage her own life because she likes kid's TV and pop tarts?

Dude, I might get married and run off the first chance I got if I had to deal with that too. I'm starting to get the impression that she's far more capable than you're giving her any credit for and she knows that. Being "legally disabled" (while not actually being disabled) is one of my biggest fears (fortunately no judge would get away with assigning me guardianship etc no matter how hard someone tries at this point).

I'm sensing that you have far too much paranoia about this guy.

 

[Major Tom]

Wait, you think she's too immature to manage her own life because she likes kid's TV and pop tarts?

Dude, I might get married and run off the first chance I got if I had to deal with that too. I'm starting to get the impression that she's far more capable than you're giving her any credit for and she knows that. Being "legally disabled" (while not actually being disabled) is one of my biggest fears (fortunately no judge would get away with assigning me guardianship etc no matter how hard someone tries at this point).

I'm sensing that you have far too much paranoia about this guy.

Agreed I'm out of this thread. Also feel bad for who I can only assume is named Alyssa. My parents were control freaks too. Had to move halfway across the world to get away from them and that didn't even work.

 

[Crossbreed]

She must be ASD3 but I haven't heard abbreviation before.

See Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Autism Subtypes...

My daughter, by the way, moved out of our home last year to give her the first step towards independence some day.

This confuses me. An ASD3 living under a legal guardianship may be supervised by a second party who represents the guardian, but not permanently (unless they are co-guardians).

...they would be held responsible for her having gone missing as while she is in their home, they are responsible for her whereabouts.

That suggests that they are co-guardians.

A friend has suggested I get a restraining order against him but I don't think that's possible as he hasn't made any threats except to be saying that he is now considering to move here and find an apartment so that he can be near her.

Check her guardianship papers. Do they speak to sexual consent? (Ours do.*)
If she may not grant sexual consent, that is the basis for a restraining order.

She seems to have more autonomy than is represented in our daughter's guardianship. If she somehow does retain sexual consent, then you have no standing in that matter (apart from what happens in your home).

*IIRC, there are three such stipulations,

1. no sexual consent,
2. no voting privileges &
   
3. I make all medical decisions (on her behalf).

 

[Crossbreed]

I just looked at our guardianship papers.

1. What most people call "legal guardian" is actually called the Guardian of Person.
2. "Conservator" is actually Guardian of Estate.
3. Prohibition of "sexual consent" & "right to vote" are not in the Letters of Guardianship, but I am certain that they were pronounced at court. I think that the third prohibition was the "right to own firearms."

@AlyssasDad, if you are on good terms with her Guardian-ad-litem [attorney], ask them about #3 and if a restraining order is appropriate.

 

[Crossbreed]

And are you using her real name as part of your username, presumably without first consulting her? I would be humiliated if I were her.

(There were 13,553 Alyssas born in the USA, in 2000. I think that we can put that objection to rest. Her identity has not been compromised.)

 

[Mary Terry]

You're a good father to protect her from some enormously fat, older man, who may well have mental issues and a predatory nature. IMHO, morbid obesity itself is a sign of mental illness, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of flak for not being politically correct for so stating. He sounds like he is looking for a meal ticket or a live-in servant to service his needs. A freeloader. You owe it to your daughter to intervene if necessary.

Run a background check on him. Has he been married? Have kids? Have a job or just live on disability benefits? If so, what is his disability? Criminal convictions? Who is he in reality?

I usually try to avoid offering anecdotes about other people's experiences when asked for advice, but this is a situation with which I am familiar. My high functioning autistic sister-in-law has a younger sister who is low functioning. She can barely speak. And she is physically beautiful. A much older man with multiple divorces under his belt romanced and married her within a matter of a couple of months. She is little more than a housekeeper and sex slave to the man. My sister-in-law is at wits end trying to figure out how to rescue her little sister. It's a bad situation.

 

[Streetwise]

You're a good father to protect her from some enormously fat, older man, who may well have mental issues and a predatory nature. IMHO, morbid obesity itself is a sign of mental illness, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of flak for not being politically correct for so stating. He sounds like he is looking for a meal ticket or a live-in servant to service his needs. A freeloader. You owe it to your daughter to intervene if necessary.

Run a background check on him. Has he been married? Have kids? Have a job or just live on disability benefits? If so, what is his disability? Criminal convictions? Who is he in reality?

I usually try to avoid offering anecdotes about other people's experiences when asked for advice, but this is a situation with which I am familiar. My high functioning autistic sister-in-law has a younger sister who is low functioning. She can barely speak. And she is physically beautiful. A much older man with multiple divorces under his belt romanced and married her within a matter of a couple of months. She is little more than a housekeeper and sex slave to the man. My sister-in-law is at wits end trying to figure out how to rescue her little sister. It's a bad situation.

You are utterly perfect I must meet you

 

[ForestGumpett]

.....y’all lost me at Brittney.

What a mess. Nobody has custody of my 80 year old mother and she has given over $70,000 to the Taliban (that last the fbi told the family) she met on the internet, thinks its a young doctor that has a million dollars for her and is going to marry her.

Oh I’m dead serious, not joking one bit. This is happening now, she still in it with these people and nothing we can do - at all, per the family lawyer.

So here’s the deal man; I honestly feel sorry for this man, he’s scared. I’d be scared too. Yeah, a bit much on the other guys weight issue I’ll give y’all that but having an out of control relative you cannot do anything about and is taken over by strangers is seriously messed up. Go easy on the man, Ive never had a teenager but was one once and didn’t always make good decisions. If she has a guardian then there is a reason.

I’m for cutting the man some slack, he’s in a bind. Okay, he doesn’t have the best manners regarding folks weight issues but us Aspies are not known for being Miss Manners either.