Attempted to bottle up but it didn’t work.

[Gerald Wilgus]

It sounds just like me joining groups just to meet girls and be in an relationship. I did this with Church and I am further away from God to the point I am questioning his existence but that's another topic.

I do understand how the OT feels. I think girls find me ugly and awkward which is why only married girls I don't know talk to me.

Did you ever think of cultivating their friendship as being a possible connection to unattached friends of theirs? Or possibly just practice to appreciate somebody reaching out for connection as another human being? I am sure somebody besides those married ladies may notice.

 

[Au Naturel]

This characteristic, the focusing on flaws, is so prominent for Markness’ posts - it is why I was encouraging him to feel free to post here. I can’t think of any other group where he’d get to repeat himself in this way, for long. Question is does repeating ourselves when we are stuck help or turn into a self perpetuating loop?
When I have the opportunity to catch myself in such a loop, it’s time for me to try for a sort of hard reset.

Some puzzles are not solve-able, because they’ve got pieces missing.

The Stages of Change poem helps.
Stages of change: A poem - Simple and Practical Mental Health

Dwelling on what makes you depressed or angry or anxious is not a good idea. Every time you let something dominate your mind you make it stronger. That's not the same as saying one should repress them. I wish I had a good solution to fix these kinds of problems. I recently started experiencing them myself. It seems that anxiety is something that grows strong as I age.

If your body starts to react to your negative feelings, I think it is time to back off. You need to distract yourself, maybe work it out thru some hard exercise. Anxiety, anger, and depression can destroy you. They can build very quickly to shakiness, high blood pressure, heartburn, ulcers, even panic attacks. Therapy is where you can learn to cope with these emotions without self-destructing. Medication may be needed to calm one down enough.

Wallowing in it will tear you apart. Feed the good wolf, starve the bad one.

 

[Kalinychta]

I am not sure how to answer the first question. Are you asking how I would feel about finding love or what will life be like next? I would feel happy having a partner after feeling like it wouldn’t happen. I will do my best to be a good partner. I don’t think it will cure my depression since I’ve seen both people who are coupled be unhappy at times but I think I would have some happier days and feel less stressed. I would be sad if it ended. I was sad when my ex-friends cut our friendships so it wouldn’t be any different if a romance came to an end.

I was just wondering if you think being in a relationship will quell the emptiness and sadness you feel. When you depend on someone or something outside of yourself to make you happy, you will never be at peace.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was just wondering if you think being in a relationship will quell the emptiness and sadness you feel. When you depend on someone or something outside of yourself to make you happy, you will never be at peace.

Nice. I think that I was unable and probably not ready to enter into a relationship until I liked myself first. I think it was @Au Naturel who responded to me once, that one cannot be validated for things that one does not feel they possess first. So, before I started liking myself, any relationship could never have validated me. In other words, I had to prepare to feel that my value could be validated by a relationship.

 

[Markness]

I was just wondering if you think being in a relationship will quell the emptiness and sadness you feel. When you depend on someone or something outside of yourself to make you happy, you will never be at peace.

It might not fix everything but I would feel happier during times like family events (Especially when my siblings and their spouses come over.), traveling (Don’t know if driving to Austin counts.), seeing musicians perform, and even taking walks, going to cinemas, or even going grocery shopping.

 

[Kalinychta]

Nice. I think that I was unable and probably not ready to enter into a relationship until I liked myself first. I think it was @Au Naturel who responded to me once, that one cannot be validated for things that one does not feel they possess first. So, before I started liking myself, any relationship could never have validated me. In other words, I had to prepare to feel that my value could be validated by a relationship.

Exactly. Reading Markness’s posts makes me think that he is in no condition to be in a relationship. None whatever. And I’ve said before that the desperation he feels now is not going to go away when he enters into a relationship; rather, it’s going to transform into desperation to keep the relationship going, which will soon make the woman run for the hills. …And then he’ll post another thread on here about how depressed he is that his relationship ended. It’s worrisome.

 

[Markness]

I thought you replied to my last message and thought “Holy moley! That was fast!”

 

[Markness]

Exactly. Reading Markness’s posts makes me think that he is in no condition to be in a relationship. None whatever. And I’ve said before that the desperation he feels now is not going to go away when he enters into a relationship; rather, it’s going to transform into desperation to keep the relationship going, which will soon make the woman run for the hills. …And then he’ll post another thread on here about how depressed he is that his relationship ended. It’s worrisome.

What would I need to do to make you feel like I am in condition for a relationship?

What if a woman hurt me? I remember my ex-friends hurting me and others have told me they were wrong to do so.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Exactly. Reading Markness’s posts makes me think that he is in no condition to be in a relationship. None whatever. And I’ve said before that the desperation he feels now is not going to go away when he enters into a relationship; rather, it’s going to transform into desperation to keep the relationship going, which will soon make the woman run for the hills. …And then he’ll post another thread on here about how depressed he is that his relationship ended. It’s worrisome.

My so called male friend says the same thing. But he is married so I don't care what he says.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What would I need to do to make you feel like I am in condition for a relationship?

What if a woman hurt me? I remember my ex-friends hurting me and others have told me they were wrong to do so.

You are in for a magnitude of greater pain especially if you desire intimacy. But that requires an acceptance of oneself such that you have clear boundaries, because those dissolve to an extent upon intimacy and you open up to the other. So, you need to learn to accept yourself, learn to highlight your strengths, and be able to advocate for yourself as an interesting desirable person. Many of us here had to learn how to do that and whether through the pain of trial and error or by making self help a special interest, it is doable. I think people here are concerned and giving some good advice.

 

[Kalinychta]

My so called male friend says the same thing. But he is married so I don't care what he says.

If he’s married, you should be listening to him, shouldn’t you?

 

[Kalinychta]

What would I need to do to make you feel like I am in condition for a relationship?

What if a woman hurt me? I remember my ex-friends hurting me and others have told me they were wrong to do so.

Learn to be happy being alone. Learn to do things and go places and interact with people not as scouting activities aimed at getting a girlfriend, but because you’re genuinely interested in these things/places/interactions. I’m just very concerned, given your obvious sadness and desperation, that getting what you want may explosively backfire and cause you even more distress.

 

[Markness]

Learn to be happy being alone. Learn to do things and go places and interact with people not as scouting activities aimed at getting a girlfriend, but because you’re genuinely interested in these things/places/interactions. I’m just very concerned, given your obvious sadness and desperation, that getting what you want may explosively backfire and cause you even more distress.

Can I still hope I can post some day about finding love even if I stop actively looking? I know it isn’t a cure all. However, it would be nice to have a special partner and join in with my siblings on events without feeling like the odd man out. I also want to say “Yes!” with a happy expression rather than “No…” with a sad one and people looking at me awkwardly. I have even had others look at me with shock. Someone told me he thought I had no trouble attracting women because of my looks and he looked disappointed when I told him it wasn’t the case.

I remember someone I used to know in my childhood telling me a girl I liked was “up for grabs”. I also remember other guys chasing after girls and people in a Meet Up group I used to be a part of were constantly checking their dating apps. It feels like getting into a relationship is something you have to pursue head on or else you will miss out if you don’t actively look.

Are you worried I would either harm myself or others?

 

[SDRSpark]

Can I still hope I can post some day about finding love even if I stop actively looking? I know it isn’t a cure all. However, it would be nice to have a special partner and join in with my siblings on events without feeling like the odd man out. I also want to say “Yes!” with a happy expression rather than “No…” with a sad one and people looking at me awkwardly. I have even had others look at me with shock. Someone told me he thought I had no trouble attracting women because of my looks and he looked disappointed when I told him it wasn’t the case.

I remember someone I used to know in my childhood telling me a girl I liked was “up for grabs”. I also remember other guys chasing after girls and people in a Meet Up group I used to be a part of were constantly checking their dating apps. It feels like getting into a relationship is something you have to pursue head on or else you will miss out if you don’t actively look.

Are you worried I would either harm myself or others?

Do you feel that you're under a lot of pressure from friends/family to get into a relationship, and that you don't "measure up" until you find someone? If so, the first thing you need to do is realize that those friends and family's opinions have no bearing on your life - they can and will think what they want, and that's on them. You are not obligated to live a certain way in order to make them happy.

Being single can be really uncomfortable in certain social situations. I remember once a few years ago, I was in Sunday School class and it was the Sunday before Christmas. Everyone decided to skip the lesson and talk about their plans for the holidays instead. For the entire hour everyone took turns talking about their plans for the holidays, and I stayed silent (I did actually enjoy listening to their stories and plans). Then it happened. Someone said "What about you SDRSpark? What are your plans?" Every eye in the room was on me at that point. I half mumbled "I don't have any" and would have preferred to have been anywhere else at that point in time. I'm still really uncomfortable thinking about that incident.

There have been countless instances where I just couldn't fulfill the societal expectations of having people central to my life (unfortunately most of my blood family is terrible and those that aren't live pretty far away - I only have a few relatively close by).

The thing is, getting into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship brings nothing but trouble. If you're desperate, you're going to wind up with the kind of people who go for desperate people...and they're going to be the ones who take advantage of you, because they know you're so desperate not to lose them that you'll do anything. Or, like others have said, if they're not the type to take advantage, you'll scare them right off.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Can I still hope I can post some day about finding love even if I stop actively looking? I know it isn’t a cure all. However, it would be nice to have a special partner and join in with my siblings on events without feeling like the odd man out. I also want to say “Yes!” with a happy expression rather than “No…” with a sad one and people looking at me awkwardly. I have even had others look at me with shock. Someone told me he thought I had no trouble attracting women because of my looks and he looked disappointed when I told him it wasn’t the case.

I remember someone I used to know in my childhood telling me a girl I liked was “up for grabs”. I also remember other guys chasing after girls and people in a Meet Up group I used to be a part of were constantly checking their dating apps. It feels like getting into a relationship is something you have to pursue head on or else you will miss out if you don’t actively look.

Are you worried I would either harm myself or others?

I want to be able to read that post from you. I remember the hollow ache of feeling lonely and wanting to share activities with a special other. That didn't happen for me easily. Doing activities or even at work I enjoyed talking to women and while I am clueless to body language and other social signaling, I read a lot and started looking for signs of interest. So depending on the activity/interest I always was thinking about other activities/events that I enjoyed, or would like to do/attend and if the woman was approachable would ask; "you really like X, would you like to do Y with me?" Getting to a "yes" seemed like a numbers game, but I was pleasantly surprised at the number of women interested in doing something with me. So, that is how things started and it let me understand what personalities I liked and understood how to be a friend. Eventually one of those led to a relationship, but that fell apart when our interests did not quite align and I did not know how to take intimacy to the next level (actually being a little scared of my lustful feelings when things became real). Then, with all this done I was better prepared for a rather intense road trip with a woman I met to drive to an activity together. We went through the whole relationship gamut; feeling each other out, accepting each other, being friends, and finally becoming lovers. I believe that never would have happened without the work I put in prior to our first meeting. So, prepare, practice, and do not discount ANY chance to make a FRIENDLY connection without any other motive.

 

[tree]

@Markness
I also want to say “Yes!” with a happy expression rather than “No…” with a sad one and people looking at me awkwardly. I have even had others look at me with shock.

It's not obligatory that the answer be delivered with a sad expression.

 

[Kalinychta]

Can I still hope I can post some day about finding love even if I stop actively looking? I know it isn’t a cure all. However, it would be nice to have a special partner and join in with my siblings on events without feeling like the odd man out. I also want to say “Yes!” with a happy expression rather than “No…” with a sad one and people looking at me awkwardly. I have even had others look at me with shock. Someone told me he thought I had no trouble attracting women because of my looks and he looked disappointed when I told him it wasn’t the case.

I remember someone I used to know in my childhood telling me a girl I liked was “up for grabs”. I also remember other guys chasing after girls and people in a Meet Up group I used to be a part of were constantly checking their dating apps. It feels like getting into a relationship is something you have to pursue head on or else you will miss out if you don’t actively look.

Are you worried I would either harm myself or others?

I thought of an exercise for you. Think of something you’ve always wanted to do or learn. Find a class on the subject or sport or whatever it is and go to it with no other agenda than to learn and have fun. Make it a strict, unbreakable rule to not view any of the women you may meet as women, but simply as fellow human beings. Don’t flirt with them, don’t see them as potential romantic interests, don’t talk to them with the hope of getting phone numbers. You can do all of that everywhere else you go if you must, but make yourself a promise to not under any circumstances do it at the new activity you’ve chosen. Just enjoy yourself.

Not only will this be a great stress reliever and mood booster, it will also give you practice to mellow out in other social situations. Believe me, no matter how good-looking you are, no one wants to interact with “that lonely guy who only talks to women because he’s desperate for a date and relationship.” I used to be kind to guys like you and engage them in conversation to try to make them feel good and pull them out of their hole, but they always immediately latched onto me with octopus tentacles and saw my kindness as an opening for them to awkwardly flirt with me, often persistently. I learned quickly to just ignore guys like you, because the behavior frightened, annoyed, and offended me.

Women want to be seen first and foremost by men as human beings, not as females. I’m not saying that you don’t see women as human beings (I know you do); I’m saying that if a woman shows you attention and you then pounce on her like a starving panther, she’s likely going to recoil from you in disgust and horror. So, when a woman speaks to you, learn to speak back to her without a romantic or sexual agenda. Just treat her like a person and then walk away and go about your business.

 

[Kalinychta]

(Oh, and I don’t think you’d hurt others, but I do worry that you might hurt yourself.)

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't know if the OP has this problem but the only girls that I don't know mainly from Church who talk to me are married. Just had one married girl talk to me at an Park hang but I ended the conversation by kinda ignoring her I was not interested since she was taken. There was two when I first joined that talked to me but I was depressed when I found out they were married. Then their was another who was married too.

Single girls from church avoid me and don't even attempt to talk to me. I only meet a few in small home groups where they sometimes talk to you but even their are couples.

 

[Kalinychta]

I don't know if the OP has this problem but the only girls that I don't know mainly from Church who talk to me are married. Just had one married girl talk to me at an Park hang but I ended the conversation by kinda ignoring her I was not interested since she was taken. There was two when I first joined that talked to me but I was depressed when I found out they were married. Then their was another who was married too.

Single girls from church avoid me and don't even attempt to talk to me. I only meet a few in small home groups where they sometimes talk to you but even their are couples.

You’re exactly the kind of man I would take pains to avoid in any social situation, the kind of man who wouldn’t give a woman the time of day if she weren’t someone he thought he had a chance at sleeping with. I mean no disrespect at all, just giving you feedback. Women don’t like men like you because of the way you see women, not because you’re ugly or not rich or any of that other whiny incel crap. Something to think about.