Attempted to bottle up but it didn’t work.

[Markness]

Nobody wants to hear you post negative topics anymore?
Life isn't all roses, no one on here expects positive only posts.
Life has challenges.
It's ok to post about what those challenges are.
It's also ok to post about what you want to do about them if you know that.

You won't get better if something is bohtering you and you want to express it but don't.

It's good you have made attempts to be more social.

Ditch the flakers, your gut instinct will tell you who you can trust and who will treat you right.
Having said that, from my experience, those who see vulnerabilities to abuse will sniff them out like a ratter, so if you can do something to mend the breaches in your electromagnetic field that people unconsciously sense, you will not attract abusive or flaky people.

Your intuition is a good way of sniffing out respectful people, so long as you show you respect yourself.

I think you joined the hiking group for the wrong reasons, if that was the only reason you joined.
Much better to join groups that have people who share your interests.

It's common to forget even what our interests are, I forgot that I liked art because I so badly wanted to be good at sport to fit in at school.

Many people have restrictive work schedules so that is where the internet comes in handy. Say you discover you like basket weaving for a daft example, you can then look out for groups online. The internet is full of people who share our strange interests.

Sorry to hear you now suffer from PTSD-like flashbacks.
Are you getting help with this?
There are online groups that are very supportive.
Look into Somatic Experiencing or Internal Family Systems, but be very careful with yourself and tell members you have PTSD, as you want to do these things gently.

You want something to go your way before the year ends.
Take the first steps, if you need any more support I am here to listen.

I have both a therapist and a therapy group.

 

[Markness]

@Markness From what you’ve said, it seems you have felt you have to have a mask on, and filter your writing here.
Sometimes I feel that way.
You can write whatever you want to a reasonable extent. If we (err, myself at least) don’t respond then keep trying. I think almost everyone comes here mostly because we can be open & drop the tension around filters.

Your other topic, of wanting to meet women, & hoping someone here can help; well that might be pretty difficult to do as this is not IRL, none of us actually know you.
The best way I know of to find someone you connect with is to find & then follow some activity you really enjoy. Like @Gerald Wilgus wrote.

I have been making attempts to do the latter and it’s been frustrating dealing with foot dragging as well as flakiness.