Attempted to bottle up but it didn’t work.

[Markness]

I really attempted to bottle up my emotions and avoid posting negative topics lately because apparently no one wants to see me post them anymore. However, instead of getting better and having new things to talk about, I have instead suffered from more sadness and pain from how this year has gone for me.

I’ve made attempts to be more social and break the spell of social isolation that’s honestly gotten worse as the years have gone on. Despite my best efforts, I keep getting others flaking on me, dragging their feet to the point I lose all of my patience, disinterest in even being my friend, and shut out from joining in on social events. This has lately been happening with the therapy group I am a part of. Even when I mention to others that I want to hang out, something always happens with them and my social growth remains stunted.

I even joined a hiking group because I was told women find men who hike attractive for a number of reasons but none of the women want to even keep in touch outside the group events and some disappear entirely. It doesn’t help that I can only attend the events once a week due to my restrictive work schedule and sometimes not even then because constant inclement weather for the last few months often cancels the hikes. I feel like I will eventually stop going just like with every Meet Up group I’ve joined up with.

Due to the constant bad incidents I’ve experienced this year, I now suffer from PTSD-like flashbacks. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing. My mind will be assaulted with the thoughts of the bad events I’ve been dealt with throughout this year.

I want something to go my way before the year ends.

 

[Kalinychta]

Do you think people see you as unhappy or desperate or unpleasant to be around, or are you generally happy and lively around others? If the former, it could be that your demeanor is repelling the people around you.

I heard something on a radio show the other day that you should try. At the end of the day before you go to sleep, think of at least three things you accomplished that day or any good things that happened to you in general, however small, and say them out loud.

 

[Booknerd515]

As someone who has PTSD-related flashbacks constantly and has been suggested to have PTSD from a traumatic event, if posting on social media makes you feel that way, that's very unfortunate. For me, I was in denial of what happened because I legitimately only thought it was a bad nightmare for multiple years. I have avoided sites in the past due to getting panic attacks on them primarily due to things that others have posted so that's why I don't really frequent them. Forums can certainly wreak havoc on your emotions.

You seem in need of emotional comfort if you're actively searching for someone to the point where you joined a hiking club. Walking does help me a lot, and I would be doing more intense exercise if I was physically capable to. I've never been part of a therapy group long enough to want to ask others to socialize outside of it since I'm someone with a ton of social anxiety. Have you tried journaling? That has helped me immensely-if I didn't journal in my childhood, due to never having in real life friends, I probably wouldn't still be sane right now. If I need to vent and I don't want someone else to see it, I write something in a phone note and then delete it immediately after.

I get constant flashbacks that do make me experience a ton of emotional pain so I'm always anxious and in fear. I had to get used to dealing with the fact that I couldn't close my eyes without getting a panic attack, otherwise I would probably not be typing this right now. PTSD is really rough, and since you really do feel like you are experiencing that many symptoms of it, maybe try to see some doctors or go to an ER if you really have difficulty coping-most of them do have a mental area attached for people in emotional crisis that have a need to want to feel better but can't naturally themselves. Support groups can only help so much. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Martha Ferris]

I am sorry for your struggles and not unsympatheitc.
Recurrent thoughts form pathways in our brains. The more we think them the deeper they are imbedded. To counteract this it is important to be aware of the thoughts, to ask yourself what purpose they are serving for you and if they are of no benefit to stop the thought immediately and think something else that is more positive. Soon the pathway of bad thoughts will dry up for lack of nourishment and the pathway of positive thought will become deeper. We are not helpless. We have choices.
I am not downplaying your PTSD. I have it too but because it seems to be a recent event perhaps you have an opportunity to deal with it before it becomes a permanent part of your life. Accept that bad things happened. Accept that they hurt you. Face the fear that they could happen again and develop a strategy to deal with them. Become proactive for yourself.
We can't make people be what we want them to be. They have to see in us something they want and need in their lives. We can connect through mutual interests but then there has to be more for that connection to continue. I wish it were as simple as A + B = C but it is not.
What do you expect from others? Is this realistic? Will your life be all better if you are in a relationship with someone? That is not a realistic expectation. Relationships complicate ones life and just being present is not enough.
Can you meet your needs and wants for yourself? When we rely on others to meet our needs then we are bound to be disappointed. People aren't looking for someone to love or to meet that persons needs they are looking for someone to love them and who meets theirs. A relationship contract is one of meeting the needs and wants of another while getting ours met by them. It is a give and take situation.
You have to accept what is and decide what YOU can do to make your life better rather than waiting and hoping for others to do it for you. Go to social functions because you like and want to be there not to find a relationship. Do things that you like and want to do. When you stop going on "fishing trips" for a relationship then you just might stumble on one. People notice when someone is on a "fishing trip" and they are a turnoff.

 

[QuestJan]

I even joined a hiking group because I was told women find men who hike attractive for a number of reasons but none of the women want to even keep in touch outside the group events and some disappear entirely.

IMHO
I am the last one to take relationship advice from since I have no success to base my claims upon - so take this with a grain of salt

I think some people may be attracted to others who enjoy specific activities they also enjoy, but no activity is a universal cure-all.

This number likely decreases if others enjoying the activity get the sense that someone is doing it to score a date. It might feel a bit disingenuous and even creepy. It also violates the Universal law of effort.

'The law of reversed effort, or the backwards law: the notion that in all sorts of contexts, all this trying to make everything right is a big part of what’s wrong. The harder we try to do something, the less we shall succeed'. This law exists because our will (conscious mind) and our Imagination (unconscious mind) are often in conflict and the unconscious mind wins. In other words, if you can't imagine yourself with a partner, your will supports imagination and sabotages the hike. As you imagine yourself to be someone who can be loved, the more you will be.

Seek what you enjoy doing, then enjoy yourself. If that is your goal, the hike will always be successful. Don't try to wrastle a specific outcome that you don't yet have faith in. Transactional interactions are needed to organize with others but translational interactions lead to friendship. Intimacy can grow within safe relationships.

But be forewarned - this is the easiest part.

Living with someone else's will & imagination needs continual nurturing, negotiation, and compromise. It is based on the Universal Law of Correspondence. This is the real work. Because one can change only oneself.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have been waiting and thinking on this as I do not know your entire story about looking for connection and intimacy. I too suffered under perceived social/sexual isolation and at my low point took stock of myself. I decided to put my desperation on hold until I liked myself and became my own person. Part of that was joining activity groups, not because it was an opportunity to meet women, but because they fed my interests. That let me practice being social, and being approachable myself with no expectations. I was surprised by the women who enjoyed car pooling with me (even though I was driving a ridiculous Gremlin at the time), and those who knew of my interests in fossils, herps, or Sondheim musicals, would start approaching me to talk. Mistakes were made, but along the way it was an interesting roller coaster that tought me that to be attractive was to be unashamed of my interests, but to use them as a way of demonstrating my love of life. In three years I went from self rejection, to chatting with women, to light dates, to a relationship that didn't work out, to my final, life-changing relationship. But, as @QuestJan said, it begins with inner change, and that means also being true about oneself, a hard and sometimes emotional task.

 

[Au Naturel]

I have been waiting and thinking on this as I do not know your entire story about looking for connection and intimacy. I too suffered under perceived social/sexual isolation and at my low point took stock of myself. I decided to put my desperation on hold until I liked myself and became my own person. Part of that was joining activity groups, not because it was an opportunity to meet women, but because they fed my interests. That let me practice being social, and being approachable myself with no expectations. I was surprised by the women who enjoyed car pooling with me (even though I was driving a ridiculous Gremlin at the time), and those who knew of my interests in fossils, herps, or Sondheim musicals, would start approaching me to talk. Mistakes were made, but along the way it was an interesting roller coaster that tought me that to be attractive was to be unashamed of my interests, but to use them as a way of demonstrating my love of life. In three years I went from self rejection, to chatting with women, to light dates, to a relationship that didn't work out, to my final, life-changing relationship. But, as @QuestJan said, it begins with inner change, and that means also being true about oneself, a hard and sometimes emotional task.

A Gremlin? LOL!

Your point about joining the group for the activity rather than to meet the people is spot on. The people are incidental. If you are enjoying doing something, it will show.

 

[Aspychata]

The Eastern philosophy states the harder we try to obtain something, the lessor chance it becomes a reality.

Also wish to say l couldn't even go to therapy groups, l was frighten of triggering my ptsd.

 

[SDRSpark]

I really attempted to bottle up my emotions and avoid posting negative topics lately because apparently no one wants to see me post them anymore. However, instead of getting better and having new things to talk about, I have instead suffered from more sadness and pain from how this year has gone for me.

I’ve made attempts to be more social and break the spell of social isolation that’s honestly gotten worse as the years have gone on. Despite my best efforts, I keep getting others flaking on me, dragging their feet to the point I lose all of my patience, disinterest in even being my friend, and shut out from joining in on social events. This has lately been happening with the therapy group I am a part of. Even when I mention to others that I want to hang out, something always happens with them and my social growth remains stunted.

I even joined a hiking group because I was told women find men who hike attractive for a number of reasons but none of the women want to even keep in touch outside the group events and some disappear entirely. It doesn’t help that I can only attend the events once a week due to my restrictive work schedule and sometimes not even then because constant inclement weather for the last few months often cancels the hikes. I feel like I will eventually stop going just like with every Meet Up group I’ve joined up with.

Due to the constant bad incidents I’ve experienced this year, I now suffer from PTSD-like flashbacks. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing. My mind will be assaulted with the thoughts of the bad events I’ve been dealt with throughout this year.

I want something to go my way before the year ends.

Of course bottling things up doesn't work. It never does. It's terrible advice.

I've heard that one too. "Don't talk about it any more!" What resulted was that I was still in as much pain as ever, but now I was isolated too. "No one wants to hear it" well of course they don't. And now I'm a s*** person too.

People who say these things don't realize how isolating and shaming they are when someone is already isolated and ashamed. Downward spiral triggered in 3....2....1

I suspect that group therapy isn't a good place to meet long term friends. It could happen, but when it comes to actively seeking out long term friendships and relationships, I don't think group therapy is the place to look.

As for women- I have a feeling you come across as desperate. My advice is to stop focusing on finding a relationship. Bear with me a minute - this doesn't mean that you don't still want a relationship, what I mean is, allow it to happen naturally, if it happens. Focus on friendships instead - friendships with everyone, not just women. If you're zeroing in on women in the group in the hopes of forming a relationship, any relationship, it's noticeable and you may have gotten yourself a reputation as "that guy to stay away from" which isn't what you want. So focus on building diverse friendships and if you do that, a relationship will likely happen and will probably happen faster than if you were actively trying for one. Even if it doesn't, you'll be better off overall, so focusing on building diverse friendships can only be a positive move.

Just be careful that you don't befriend the wrong people. Be on your guard. Predatory types can tell when someone is down and out...and they'll take advantage of you. (I don't just mean sexual predators, though that's certainly a possibility. People take advantage of your time, energy, effort, money...anything you have that they want, they'll take advantage of.) Don't be an easy target, even if people think you are.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

A Gremlin? LOL!

Your point about joining the group for the activity rather than to meet the people is spot on. The people are incidental. If you are enjoying doing something, it will show.

Exactly! How better to be attractive to somebody than to express enjoyment in an activity you are participating in? Hiking isn't just walking: learning about what you are seeing and sharing with the others in the group is a way of getting noticed. Better if you are the one to organize doing something with the group. It works.

[edit] Sharing with pleasure has gotten me farther socializing than anything else I learned. A few years ago I took a Geological trip to Morocco. A mixed group with interests that made me feel at home. In the field, I would help identify finds and enjoy discussions in the arcane. I also helped people having a harder time making nice finds and did silly things like hunting scorpions at night with UV flashlights. The last dinner, and as I do on such trips, I handed out fossils from my neck of the woods. A woman stood up, and teary eyed, started hugging me. I was startled, but more startled when she said to me that she never thought she would meet a man like me.

So the moral? Go for the activity and be generous with yourself.

 

[Markness]

Do you think people see you as unhappy or desperate or unpleasant to be around, or are you generally happy and lively around others? If the former, it could be that your demeanor is repelling the people around you.

I heard something on a radio show the other day that you should try. At the end of the day before you go to sleep, think of at least three things you accomplished that day or any good things that happened to you in general, however small, and say them out loud.

In the past, I’ve had people think I was “p’d off”, especially if they saw me after work. In reality, I was just tired but I have thick eyebrows and my face turns red sometimes so it gives off the impression I am angry. My mother also accuses me of frowning when that isn’t the case.

I do my best to look happy and approachable. I smile and laugh as well as say things that are hopefully interesting to others. Instead, I get bored or uninterested looks in return and sometimes have had hostile reactions. It reminds me of when I was a boy, I was punched in the face by another boy just for talking to him. It still hurts to think about it and still makes my eyebrow ridge ache.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I really attempted to bottle up my emotions and avoid posting negative topics lately because apparently no one wants to see me post them anymore. However, instead of getting better and having new things to talk about, I have instead suffered from more sadness and pain from how this year has gone for me.

I’ve made attempts to be more social and break the spell of social isolation that’s honestly gotten worse as the years have gone on. Despite my best efforts, I keep getting others flaking on me, dragging their feet to the point I lose all of my patience, disinterest in even being my friend, and shut out from joining in on social events. This has lately been happening with the therapy group I am a part of. Even when I mention to others that I want to hang out, something always happens with them and my social growth remains stunted.

I even joined a hiking group because I was told women find men who hike attractive for a number of reasons but none of the women want to even keep in touch outside the group events and some disappear entirely. It doesn’t help that I can only attend the events once a week due to my restrictive work schedule and sometimes not even then because constant inclement weather for the last few months often cancels the hikes. I feel like I will eventually stop going just like with every Meet Up group I’ve joined up with.

Due to the constant bad incidents I’ve experienced this year, I now suffer from PTSD-like flashbacks. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing. My mind will be assaulted with the thoughts of the bad events I’ve been dealt with throughout this year.

I want something to go my way before the year ends.

Nobody wants to hear you post negative topics anymore?
Life isn't all roses, no one on here expects positive only posts.
Life has challenges.
It's ok to post about what those challenges are.
It's also ok to post about what you want to do about them if you know that.

You won't get better if something is bohtering you and you want to express it but don't.

It's good you have made attempts to be more social.

Ditch the flakers, your gut instinct will tell you who you can trust and who will treat you right.
Having said that, from my experience, those who see vulnerabilities to abuse will sniff them out like a ratter, so if you can do something to mend the breaches in your electromagnetic field that people unconsciously sense, you will not attract abusive or flaky people.

Your intuition is a good way of sniffing out respectful people, so long as you show you respect yourself.

I think you joined the hiking group for the wrong reasons, if that was the only reason you joined.
Much better to join groups that have people who share your interests.

It's common to forget even what our interests are, I forgot that I liked art because I so badly wanted to be good at sport to fit in at school.

Many people have restrictive work schedules so that is where the internet comes in handy. Say you discover you like basket weaving for a daft example, you can then look out for groups online. The internet is full of people who share our strange interests.

Sorry to hear you now suffer from PTSD-like flashbacks.
Are you getting help with this?
There are online groups that are very supportive.
Look into Somatic Experiencing or Internal Family Systems, but be very careful with yourself and tell members you have PTSD, as you want to do these things gently.

You want something to go your way before the year ends.
Take the first steps, if you need any more support I am here to listen.

 

[Kalinychta]

In the past, I’ve had people think I was “p’d off”, especially if they saw me after work. In reality, I was just tired but I have thick eyebrows and my face turns red sometimes so it gives off the impression I am angry. My mother also accuses me of frowning when that isn’t the case.

I do my best to look happy and approachable. I smile and laugh as well as say things that are hopefully interesting to others. Instead, I get bored or uninterested looks in return and sometimes have had hostile reactions. It reminds me of when I was a boy, I was punched in the face by another boy just for talking to him. It still hurts to think about it and still makes my eyebrow ridge ache.

Let me ask you this: what do you think will happen when you enter into a relationship with someone? How do you think you’ll feel? How do you suppose you’ll behave? Do you believe it will change your mood, mental health, and outlook on life?—as in, do you think it will cure your depression? How would you feel if the relationship were to end?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It sounds just like me joining groups just to meet girls and be in an relationship. I did this with Church and I am further away from God to the point I am questioning his existence but that's another topic.

I do understand how the OT feels. I think girls find me ugly and awkward which is why only married girls I don't know talk to me.

 

[Kalinychta]

It sounds just like me joining groups just to meet girls and be in an relationship. I did this with Church and I am further away from God to the point I am questioning his existence but that's another topic.

I do understand how the OT feels. I think girls find me ugly and awkward which is why only married girls I don't know talk to me.

A large number of autistic people have terrible personalities. Also years of social struggle and maladjustment result in emotional problems, which cause bitterness, depression, and desperation and make us even more unpleasant to be around. We are, shall we say, challenging. I myself am a holy terror quite a lot of the time. People often dislike or neither-like-nor-dislike me, but I’ve always supposed that to be my own fault for not making the effort to socialize or “be likeable” and whatnot, mostly because I just don’t care.

You do care, though, so you’ll need to make special effort. I suspect that you think you’re ugly and awkward and so you project your insecurities onto women and suppose that they think about you the very things you think about yourself.

Also: do you really think that the only people who are married or in relationships are beautiful and charming and socially graceful?

 

[watersprite]

@Markness From what you’ve said, it seems you have felt you have to have a mask on, and filter your writing here.
Sometimes I feel that way.
You can write whatever you want to a reasonable extent. If we (err, myself at least) don’t respond then keep trying. I think almost everyone comes here mostly because we can be open & drop the tension around filters.

Your other topic, of wanting to meet women, & hoping someone here can help; well that might be pretty difficult to do as this is not IRL, none of us actually know you.
The best way I know of to find someone you connect with is to find & then follow some activity you really enjoy. Like @Gerald Wilgus wrote.

 

[Markness]

Let me ask you this: what do you think will happen when you enter into a relationship with someone? How do you think you’ll feel? How do you suppose you’ll behave? Do you believe it will change your mood, mental health, and outlook on life?—as in, do you think it will cure your depression? How would you feel if the relationship were to end?

I am not sure how to answer the first question. Are you asking how I would feel about finding love or what will life be like next? I would feel happy having a partner after feeling like it wouldn’t happen. I will do my best to be a good partner. I don’t think it will cure my depression since I’ve seen both people who are coupled be unhappy at times but I think I would have some happier days and feel less stressed. I would be sad if it ended. I was sad when my ex-friends cut our friendships so it wouldn’t be any different if a romance came to an end.

 

[Fino]

I'm just speculating based on my own experiences, but if you were to enter into a relationship, I think it's possible you would be significantly happier for a while and then return to being unhappy, possibly by dwelling heavily on the flaws you feel are in the relationship.

 

[watersprite]

possibly by dwelling heavily on the flaws you feel are in the relationship.

This characteristic, the focusing on flaws, is so prominent for Markness’ posts - it is why I was encouraging him to feel free to post here. I can’t think of any other group where he’d get to repeat himself in this way, for long. Question is does repeating ourselves when we are stuck help or turn into a self perpetuating loop?
When I have the opportunity to catch myself in such a loop, it’s time for me to try for a sort of hard reset.

Some puzzles are not solve-able, because they’ve got pieces missing.

The Stages of Change poem helps.
Stages of change: A poem - Simple and Practical Mental Health

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Exactly. And from reading those posts by people who have overcome hardship, and while they may still deal with some trauma, remain object lessons for hope and progress. It reminds me of this that I ran across.