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Aspies Rejected by Parents

buchman

Member
I’m looking for other aspies rejected by their parents. Aspie kids are weird, and surely there must be a significant number of parents who want nothing to do with them. I’d like to know what effect this has on the children and how much I have in common with other rejected aspies.

I never knew why my parents rejected me. I was a model, well behaved boy, an honor student, although I was extremely nervous, anxious, and shy. I couldn't figure out why so much of what I did or said irritated or angered my parents, why my father told me he hated me (once throwing a glass at me, bouncing it off my head), and why my mother told me she wished she'd had a real boy instead of me. I had to learn to act normal so as not to incur my parents' wrath or the taunting of other kids. I did very well at this and have for the most part managed to lead a seemingly normal life.

I have questions but have been unable to find anything online about this topic. Have other rejected aspie kids followed the same path? What psychological problems has rejection caused? Is it really possible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if forced to? I’d appreciate any responses that could shed light on this issue.
 

Outdated

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
My father tried to go down that path when I was 13. I asked him how well his career would turn out after I called welfare and then some journalists.

It was almost another 30 years before I finally gave up on them and decided I simply didn't need them in my life.
 

Au Naturel

Au Naturel
I’m looking for other aspies rejected by their parents. Aspie kids are weird, and surely there must be a significant number of parents who want nothing to do with them. I’d like to know what effect this has on the children and how much I have in common with other rejected aspies.

I never knew why my parents rejected me. I was a model, well behaved boy, an honor student, although I was extremely nervous, anxious, and shy. I couldn't figure out why so much of what I did or said irritated or angered my parents, why my father told me he hated me (once throwing a glass at me, bouncing it off my head), and why my mother told me she wished she'd had a real boy instead of me. I had to learn to act normal so as not to incur my parents' wrath or the taunting of other kids. I did very well at this and have for the most part managed to lead a seemingly normal life.

I have questions but have been unable to find anything online about this topic. Have other rejected aspie kids followed the same path? What psychological problems has rejection caused? Is it really possible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if forced to? I’d appreciate any responses that could shed light on this issue.
It would be interesting to see what was going thru your parent's heads at the time. Maybe they were looking for someone more like an athlete or better socialized. Very often parents try to live out their fantasies thru their child and if the child isn't amenable, resentment grows. That's a human thing and not restricted to autistic kids.

My mother rejected me because I had a completely different outlook on life. She always told me how stupid I was and that I'd never be anything. My father didn't. OTOH, he was never there.

Truly autistic people cannot "overcome" their autism. They can improvise, adapt, and adjust.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
My parents didn't reject me but they struggled to parent adequately and were constantly hard on each other and having low level grumbling arguments that were unpleasant to live with. I left at 18 and avoided them as much as possible. They both had been poorly parented too, in hard times, and both had parents who didn't get on and were hard on each other. Think ASD 1 was probably an issue for my father, too, but people didn't recognise it then.

Respectfully, it doesn’t sound like you were in any way helped or cured, it sounds like you learned to hide your true self and mask your autism. Where someone like say Temple Grandin was accepted and accommodated and did pretty well in the world but without intensive masking.
 

buchman

Member
It would be interesting to see what was going thru your parent's heads at the time. Maybe they were looking for someone more like an athlete or better socialized. Very often parents try to live out their fantasies thru their child and if the child isn't amenable, resentment grows. That's a human thing and not restricted to autistic kids.

My mother rejected me because I had a completely different outlook on life. She always told me how stupid I was and that I'd never be anything. My father didn't. OTOH, he was never there.

Truly autistic people cannot "overcome" their autism. They can improvise, adapt, and adjust.
Looking back, I think they resented me because I annoyed and embarrassed them by not acting normally. They probably assumed I was doing it on purpose and got angry because I wouldn't stop despite their lectures and punishments (it took me a long time to learn how to act normally). This took place before autism spectrum disorders were well known, although I suspect that even today they'd still think I was just being stubborn in not acting like other kids.
 

buchman

Member
My parents didn't reject me but they struggled to parent adequately and were constantly hard on each other and having low level grumbling arguments that were unpleasant to live with. I left at 18 and avoided them as much as possible. They both had been poorly parented too, in hard times, and both had parents who didn't get on and were hard on each other. Think ASD 1 was probably an issue for my father, too, but people didn't recognise it then.

Respectfully, it doesn’t sound like you were in any way helped or cured, it sounds like you learned to hide your true self and mask your autism. Where someone like say Temple Grandin was accepted and accommodated and did pretty well in the world but without intensive masking.
I certainly did--and do--mask intensively. I scored very high on the masking test. No way do I regret masking nor do I intend to stop. I am only too well aware of masking's downsides, but the alternative is a life of complete rejection, failure, and misery. Probably those with mild Asperger's can get by without much masking, but that's not me.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Yes I agree totally that masking has been necessary for me, and seems often advisable still. I was just saying, someone who is accepted and accommodated as in the rare and untypical case of Temple Grandin, likely has a better life and still achieves well. Shame that's not usually the case, due to ongoing ignorance about autism I guess.
 

Moogwizard

My mind is my own church
V.I.P Member
I’m looking for other aspies rejected by their parents. Aspie kids are weird, and surely there must be a significant number of parents who want nothing to do with them. I’d like to know what effect this has on the children and how much I have in common with other rejected aspies.

I never knew why my parents rejected me. I was a model, well behaved boy, an honor student, although I was extremely nervous, anxious, and shy. I couldn't figure out why so much of what I did or said irritated or angered my parents, why my father told me he hated me (once throwing a glass at me, bouncing it off my head), and why my mother told me she wished she'd had a real boy instead of me. I had to learn to act normal so as not to incur my parents' wrath or the taunting of other kids. I did very well at this and have for the most part managed to lead a seemingly normal life.

I have questions but have been unable to find anything online about this topic. Have other rejected aspie kids followed the same path? What psychological problems has rejection caused? Is it really possible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if forced to? I’d appreciate any responses that could shed light on this issue.
I’m looking for other aspies rejected by their parents. Aspie kids are weird, and surely there must be a significant number of parents who want nothing to do with them. I’d like to know what effect this has on the children and how much I have in common with other rejected aspies.

I never knew why my parents rejected me. I was a model, well behaved boy, an honor student, although I was extremely nervous, anxious, and shy. I couldn't figure out why so much of what I did or said irritated or angered my parents, why my father told me he hated me (once throwing a glass at me, bouncing it off my head), and why my mother told me she wished she'd had a real boy instead of me. I had to learn to act normal so as not to incur my parents' wrath or the taunting of other kids. I did very well at this and have for the most part managed to lead a seemingly normal life.

I have questions but have been unable to find anything online about this topic. Have other rejected aspie kids followed the same path? What psychological problems has rejection caused? Is it really possible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if forced to? I’d appreciate any responses that could shed light on this issue.
There are some parallels with your situation and mine . I don’t feel like getting into my personal things at the moment about it ,like Au Naturel has said it may be a human thing. To find some of the answers you are looking for I studied every book I could find about autism . I know everyones experience is different . But I found a book that starts at the beginning , not just a history book but one that exposes the generation that made the “Term Autism” and why society at the time looked at it as a problem . “Hans Asperger” in particular. Who is not a good person as you will see . This book that was very helpful in understanding societies reaction to Autism at different points in history . It is not just a study of Autistic people but a study of Parents and parts of society at the time , when Autism became a term , parts of society were obsessed with Eugenics and children who fit their idea of social Acceptance. And what is acceptable to integrate into society. Especially in America and Germany.

From this point I was able to see the tread which unfortunately has passed through time even to the DSM-5 diagnostic terms of classification, Of what Autism even is . We have a long way to go and it is certainly better now that it was . Here is a pic of the book . I hope this helps . And you are not alone in seeking answers .
1668031279952.png
 

Ronald Zeeman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I do not think typical Aspies join a site like this, us very high functioning ones get decent jobs, get married, make up a substantial part of the scientific and mathematical community. We are like the iceberg. I personally joined basically to seek some friendships and give me an outlet where I can discuss some abstract ideas with others that may share these interests. I lost a friend last week, at the funeral found out that he was the backbone of the small company he worked at my wife and his wife are good friends I told her today he probably was one of us she always thought he was a bit weird.
 
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Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I have questions but have been unable to find anything online about this topic. Have other rejected aspie kids followed the same path? What psychological problems has rejection caused? Is it really possible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if forced to? I’d appreciate any responses that could shed light on this issue.
1. Sometimes it is not until much later in life that we separate from our families.
2. Depends upon the person. Some have bonding issues. Some have emotional issues.
3. Semantics. We often learn to mask or hide our autism,...to some extent,...so others might not notice it as much. Those with higher intellects can be very good at masking. From the outside, looking in,...a parents perspective,...if a child is no longer behaving autistic by some metrics,...then a parent may claim "a cure". They are wrong,...no cures. We will always have autism,...because it is a genetic, prenatal, developmental condition with an anatomical and physiological base. The psychology and psychiatry of autism is secondary.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Definitely felt l didn't live up to my parent's standards. I was not very social. I was introverted. And l didn't care. When l did bring a friend home, my mom treated my friend better then me, which only made me feel worse. Now l see my mom does have some autism like behaviors and that helps me a little bit. First she denied l had it. Now l think she sees it in herself. My mother was pretty much hands off in raising me my entire life so bonding with others can be difficult for me. We won't discuss my step-father or my father who l never met.

There are actually quite a few dysfunctional families that members open up about and discuss at this site.
 

buchman

Member
There are some parallels with your situation and mine . I don’t feel like getting into my personal things at the moment about it ,like Au Naturel has said it may be a human thing. To find some of the answers you are looking for I studied every book I could find about autism . I know everyones experience is different . But I found a book that starts at the beginning , not just a history book but one that exposes the generation that made the “Term Autism” and why society at the time looked at it as a problem . “Hans Asperger” in particular. Who is not a good person as you will see . This book that was very helpful in understanding societies reaction to Autism at different points in history . It is not just a study of Autistic people but a study of Parents and parts of society at the time , when Autism became a term , parts of society were obsessed with Eugenics and children who fit their idea of social Acceptance. And what is acceptable to integrate into society. Especially in America and Germany.

From this point I was able to see the tread which unfortunately has passed through time even to the DSM-5 diagnostic terms of classification, Of what Autism even is . We have a long way to go and it is certainly better now that it was . Here is a pic of the book . I hope this helps . And you are not alone in seeking answers .
View attachment 88603
Thanks for the tip!
 

buchman

Member
Definitely felt l didn't live up to my parent's standards. I was not very social. I was introverted. And l didn't care. When l did bring a friend home, my mom treated my friend better then me, which only made me feel worse. Now l see my mom does have some autism like behaviors and that helps me a little bit. First she denied l had it. Now l think she sees it in herself. My mother was pretty much hands off in raising me my entire life so bonding with others can be difficult for me. We won't discuss my step-father or my father who l never met.

There are actually quite a few dysfunctional families that members open up about and discuss at this site.
I'm glad I found a good site!
 

buchman

Member
1. Sometimes it is not until much later in life that we separate from our families.
2. Depends upon the person. Some have bonding issues. Some have emotional issues.
3. Semantics. We often learn to mask or hide our autism,...to some extent,...so others might not notice it as much. Those with higher intellects can be very good at masking. From the outside, looking in,...a parents perspective,...if a child is no longer behaving autistic by some metrics,...then a parent may claim "a cure". They are wrong,...no cures. We will always have autism,...because it is a genetic, prenatal, developmental condition with an anatomical and physiological base. The psychology and psychiatry of autism is secondary.
I never separated from my parents--I maintained a distant relationship with them until they died. I didn't separate when I lived at home because I believed them--until I was in my 20s, I thought I really was no good and deserved everybody's scorn. I didn't realize the truth until I read books on psychology and relationships. I still have to remind myself constantly that I'm a human being deserving of respect.
 

GypsyMoth

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I’m looking for other aspies rejected by their parents.
So, I'm not officially an aspie but I do succumb to the usual complaints. My mother found me to be stubborn, obstinant, never listened, always interrupted, and would yell at me inches from my face to look at her while she was speaking to me. We had a delightful relationship. Amazingly, I have a relatively positive relationship with her today (nearly thirty years later). But I am the one who initiated that bridge crossing and I remain the one who maintains healthy boundaries in our relationship.

Aspie kids are weird, and surely there must be a significant number of parents who want nothing to do with them. I’d like to know what effect this has on the children and how much I have in common with other rejected aspies.
I wonder if the fault is not more with the parent's disposition than with their children's situation.

I don't know if I was weird or not but I often got birthday presents from my mother's friends celebrating how I "listened to the beat of a different drum" and was different. (Honestly, I felt very awkward receiving such gifts as I tried very, very hard to fit in.) I was 100% tomboy and, by middle school, other children's parents actively avoided speaking to me because I addressed them straight across. Besides, I frequently knew more than them on many topics. Not sure what happened to that person. I have been told I raised myself & left home at 16. (Was forced to move back later for a time but mentally I remained moved out.)
I never knew why my parents rejected me. I was a model, well behaved boy, an honor student, although I was extremely nervous, anxious, and shy. I couldn't figure out why so much of what I did or said irritated or angered my parents, why my father told me he hated me (once throwing a glass at me, bouncing it off my head), and why my mother told me she wished she'd had a real boy instead of me. I had to learn to act normal so as not to incur my parents' wrath or the taunting of other kids. I did very well at this and have for the most part managed to lead a seemingly normal life.
Good for you! Your present happiness is in no way determined by your past experiences. I'm glad you have overcome your parent's handicap.
I have questions but have been unable to find anything online about this topic. Have other rejected aspie kids followed the same path? What psychological problems has rejection caused? Is it really possible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if forced to? I’d appreciate any responses that could shed light on this issue.
I often feel rejected. Even when invited along, I still feel like an outsider. Problems this has caused may be complicating my present relationship crisis. I do not have a lot of people to turn to for help (the folks here have been amazing) and have been doing a lot of thinking lately about the importance of self-acceptance in lieu of acceptance by others. it turns out that I have left behind many of the things I loved about my younger self...and I'm not sure the new me is all that better off for some of those losses.

I can't answer what any truly autistic person might have to say about anything, but I can tell you that autism is not "curable." Anyone who tells you that doesn't know what they're talking about. It's also not a mental illness.

I mask very well. Actually, when I found this website I had taken a number of online tests that said I was anywhere from likely to a strong possibility of having autism. It was about the most ridiculous thing I had read, right? I mean, in my world, I'm pretty normal. Literally. I have worked very hard at being normal. (Spoiler alert: That's, um, not what NT's have to do.) But since I had some concerns, I took this online diagnostic on masking. Surely, that would vindicate me, right? It didn't. It said I masked better than the average aspie. So, how much do NT's mask? They don't.

My IRL Aspie friend has said that I mask extremely well--she's been helping me identify patterns and recasts things I do in a positive light as things that are very typical of being on the spectrum. You asked, "is it really possible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if forced to?" I'm going to change that a bit and answer a similar question: is it posible for truly autistic people to overcome their autism if they wanted to? My answer is no; if this is who I am, then I'd like to learn more about accepting it than deliberately working against it. I like who I am, although I miss some of the parts I was.
 

Au Naturel

Au Naturel
Looking back, I think they resented me because I annoyed and embarrassed them by not acting normally. They probably assumed I was doing it on purpose and got angry because I wouldn't stop despite their lectures and punishments (it took me a long time to learn how to act normally). This took place before autism spectrum disorders were well known, although I suspect that even today they'd still think I was just being stubborn in not acting like other kids.
Oh, it is always assumed you're doing it on purpose. Doesn't matter what it is. Pick your version of neurodiversity.

If you can't pay attention in class it is because you don't want to. If you are poor at sports it is because you are lazy and don't practice. If you can't make friends it is because you don't try and if you commit social faux pas when you try it is because you want to get attention by acting stupid. Either way, you're antisocial. That is how people are wired to think - that you are doing exactly what you want.
 

Au Naturel

Au Naturel
I never separated from my parents--I maintained a distant relationship with them until they died. I didn't separate when I lived at home because I believed them--until I was in my 20s, I thought I really was a piece of s__t and deserved everybody's scorn. I didn't realize the truth until I read books on psychology and relationships. I still have to remind myself constantly that I'm a human being deserving of respect.
Mom died when I was 21 so that "separated" that. Lived with my father for another year. But I split for Califonia when I was 22 to escape the suffocating community environment. Maybe flew back to visit a half dozen times. It's a very lovely place to visit, but I'd hate to live there.

Another person would find it an ideal place to live. Everyone is different.
 

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Ignorance and pride, come to mind. Parents see children as a reflection of themselves and thus, any "flaw" seen in a child, the parent sees that as a huge insult to themselves.

I was not rejected; I was the one who rejected those people who are responsible for bringing me into this life.

"Professionals" were the ones to reject me. I was deemed just a painfully shy child, who would grow out of it. I was also prejudiced, due to how tidy I am and have never abused drink or smoked etc.

I was told by someone recently, that the reason why neurotypicals do not like us, is because of how blunt and plain rude we can be, which made me laugh, because he, himself is rude many a time!
 

Shevek

Well-Known Member
I was born to help my parents look normal and in control. They gave me what they would have wanted, but we never bonded. If anyone started to make progress at understanding me, they would start asking about my AS mother, and get fired. My NT father clearly favoured my NT sister, and mother didn't even know that father had made me move out at 17 until she finally asked about it when she was dying. Neither parent would ever change a decision even with new evidence a-plenty. However, there was seldom any open conflict or anger at home
 

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