Aspie Parents Research

[AsheSkyler]

I am thinking about making a little book supposedly by a kid who's PARENT has Asperger's. For once instead of it being a parent trying to figure out their kid, it's a regular kid about 3-4 years old with a parent on the spectrum. But not in a negative sense. It'd be light hearted and cute stuff like "we both have our special blankets we like to snuggle in". And for realistic purposes, a few of shortcomings as well. Preferably something comical like "sometimes their reflexes aren't good [shows picture of ball bouncing off parent's head]". Each sentence or segment would be illustrated. Colored pencils, I'm not good with water colors or pure pen drawings. And what's a kiddy book without pictures or color?

I have no desire to get it officially published. It'd be an epub or PDF for free off my site (with no evil DRM attributes either). I may self-publish through Lulu or someplace like that for those that want a paper copy.

While I'm pretty familiar with my own flavor of autism, I have no idea really what it's like for other parents on the spectrum. If you think there's limited info for female autistics, try finding information on autistic parents! So if ya feel froggy, here's a quiz:

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?

 

[Annie White]

i really love this idea XD

i cant imagine what my daughter would say about me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

i really love this idea XD

i cant imagine what my daughter would say about me.

Knowing my kid right now, he would say "She won't play Plants vs. Zombies or Insaniquarium when I tell her to or let me get out of going to bed by giving me snacks and drinks!" If little kids could talk clearly, no?

 

[Datura]

This sounds like a great resource for kids with autistic parents. I don't have anything to offer unfortunately, save for my moral support.

 

[royinpink]

I am not a parent, but I had a parent on the spectrum. I cannot think of anything lighthearted or cute about the experience. Even the few moments of 'bonding' I recall would be shadowed by something that set him off and prompted derision, criticism and/or meltdown. But mostly he left parenting to my mom. I would say in a number of ways he was similar to David Finch of The Journal of Best Practices, minus the diagnosis or the attempt to create best practices. My half-brother has tried to repair their relationship. Maybe I will get there someday.

Sorry, hope others have more positive experiences to share.

 

[Harrison]

Hi Ashe,
I'm probably not the best parent to ask on this matter as I don't hink I was that good at it. I'll give it a go though


What challenges did you have?
I was over protective, my eldest daughter was rejected by her mother at birth so I raised her for years. Did all the feeding, changing etc, even took her to work with me (I was self employed then). She would sleep in my arms at night and at 37 she still remembers it. During that time my eldest son came along and my wife took to him straight away but still ignored my daughter.

Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?
No idea, never mixed with other parents.

What were some things you found easy to do?
My kids loved my storytelling as long as I made it up on the spot. We would act out the characters so it could turn into pandemonium really easily.

Were some things much easier for you than other parents?
No idea

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?
I was lax in that I was always happy for them to learn about whatever took their interest at the time. I was strict on politeness to other people. Never hit my kids though, they reckon I have a stare that could wither a rose.

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
My kids thought my leg bouncing was hilarious fun, indoor rodeo time. If they saw me doing it they would throw cushions down around me and clamber on my leg to see how long they could hold on.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
My kids are on the spectrum too, we were never really huggy which I missed. Nowadays we make the effort to hug but it's a little strained.

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
Not good on this one as I liked to be left alone most of the time. Holidays were awful as I never went with them or I would turn up for a day. I was always working, which was an excuse really.

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
I was into programming etc as soon as pc's rolled out, my kids had computers of their own and I allowed each one to develope their own skills. Got them whatever they needed.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?
In my partnerships I have tended to do everything, which led to major problems as they felt they had nothing to do.

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?
Four, 37, 36, 28, 27.

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?
As far as I know I don't have any co-morbids. I have asthma but that never affected anything.

 

[royinpink]

Hi Ashe,
I'm probably not the best parent to ask on this matter as I don't hink I was that good at it. I'll give it a go though


What challenges did you have?
I was over protective, my eldest daughter was rejected by her mother at birth so I raised her for years. Did all the feeding, changing etc, even took her to work with me (I was self employed then). She would sleep in my arms at night and at 37 she still remembers it. During that time my eldest son came along and my wife took to him straight away but still ignored my daughter.

Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?
No idea, never mixed with other parents.

What were some things you found easy to do?
My kids loved my storytelling as long as I made it up on the spot. We would act out the characters so it could turn into pandemonium really easily.

Were some things much easier for you than other parents?
No idea

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?
I was lax in that I was always happy for them to learn about whatever took their interest at the time. I was strict on politeness to other people. Never hit my kids though, they reckon I have a stare that could wither a rose.

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
My kids thought my leg bouncing was hilarious fun, indoor rodeo time. If they saw me doing it they would throw cushions down around me and clamber on my leg to see how long they could hold on.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
My kids are on the spectrum too, we were never really huggy which I missed. Nowadays we make the effort to hug but it's a little strained.

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
Not good on this one as I liked to be left alone most of the time. Holidays were awful as I never went with them or I would turn up for a day. I was always working, which was an excuse really.

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
I was into programming etc as soon as pc's rolled out, my kids had computers of their own and I allowed each one to develope their own skills. Got them whatever they needed.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?
In my partnerships I have tended to do everything, which led to major problems as they felt they had nothing to do.

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?
Four, 37, 36, 28, 27.

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?
As far as I know I don't have any co-morbids. I have asthma but that never affected anything.

You sound like a great dad.

 

[Harrison]

You sound like a great dad.

Sadly, my kids, as adults, don't think that way. When my youngest daughter found out she was also an aspie all she said to me was "thanks for ****ing up our lives" and has never spoken to me since.

Not all endings are happy.

 

[royinpink]

Sadly, my kids, as adults, don't think that way. When my youngest daughter found out she was also an aspie all she said to me was "thanks for ****ing up our lives" and has never spoken to me since.

Not all endings are happy.

I'm sorry. It sounds like she has as much trouble accepting herself as accepting you. She may find it too overwhelming to be close to you...that's the case with me and my dad. But I know my situation is different--especially since my dad wasn't diagnosed. He had a lot of issues from his childhood and previous marriages, too.

For me, growing up, I dreaded being 'like dad', but my mom, dad, and I all saw the similarities. I always scared myself when I was pushed to meltdown and feared I was just like what I hated. Because I could never voice any opinions (much less critical ones) to my father growing up out of fear of setting him off and the ways he would attempt to control me afterward, it took me until I was independently living in another country and my parents were divorcing before I could finally tell him my perspective on growing up in our family. It was 'hard to hear' for him, and I think he resented it for awhile, but then, if we were ever going to have a real relationship, it had to be said. I still don't think he truly improved until I got my diagnosis and told him I thought he was on the spectrum, too--or at least, maybe he's improved. I haven't been back since then. But I think maybe he could finally stop blaming everyone else for his problems and expecting us to understand. He said as much, anyway.

It's still hard for me to be around my dad...I get too anxious/conflicted and shut down. I dunno, it's like no matter what he says, he's trying to get something out of me, and I don't know how to be genuinely close to him at all. It feels like I'm just going to be swallowed up in this black hole of need. I don't feel like he really knows or cares who I am.

 

[Harrison]

I'm sorry. It sounds like she has as much trouble accepting herself as accepting you. She may find it too overwhelming to be close to you...that's the case with me and my dad. But I know my situation is different--especially since my dad wasn't diagnosed. He had a lot of issues from his childhood and previous marriages, too.

For me, growing up, I dreaded being 'like dad', but my mom, dad, and I all saw the similarities. I always scared myself when I was pushed to meltdown and feared I was just like what I hated. Because I could never voice any opinions (much less critical ones) to my father growing up out of fear of setting him off and the ways he would attempt to control me afterward, it took me until I was independently living in another country and my parents were divorcing before I could finally tell him my perspective on growing up in our family. It was 'hard to hear' for him, and I think he resented it for awhile, but then, if we were ever going to have a real relationship, it had to be said. I still don't think he truly improved until I got my diagnosis and told him I thought he was on the spectrum, too--or at least, maybe he's improved. I haven't been back since then. But I think maybe he could finally stop blaming everyone else for his problems and expecting us to understand. He said as much, anyway.

It's still hard for me to be around my dad...I get too anxious/conflicted and shut down. I dunno, it's like no matter what he says, he's trying to get something out of me, and I don't know how to be genuinely close to him at all. It feels like I'm just going to be swallowed up in this black hole of need. I don't feel like he really knows or cares who I am.

Thank you for sharing, my youngest and I are very similar and I think therein lies the problem. We can both be bull headed when we want to, some day she may come around to her own understanding.

 

[royinpink]

Thank you for sharing, my youngest and I are very similar and I think therein lies the problem. We can both be bull headed when we want to, some day she may come around to her own understanding.

Sorry, I hope I didn't come off like I thought you were the same. My impression of you is all positive Dunno why I shared so much...

Anyway, I hope she does take the time to understand, as you say. Maybe some life event or holiday will inspire communication.

 

[Harrison]

Sorry, I hope I didn't come off like I thought you were the same. My impression of you is all positive Dunno why I shared so much...

Anyway, I hope she does take the time to understand, as you say. Maybe some life event or holiday will inspire communication.

No, I didn't read it that way

 

[AsheSkyler]

That's one of my worries, that I might be a drill sergeant (like my non-spectrum dad, heh, family trait!) and make things too tense between me and my kid, or even drive him off. I don't quite enjoy the distance between me and my dad, and it's definitely tough trying to let down my guard enough to bridge that gap. Not something I want to go through with my young'un at a later date.

One of my side projects that I'm letting simmer and observe is to start making some resources for the parents themselves, not only as moral support, but also hopefully as a way to recognize some of their more dangerous shortcomings and be prepared to have a good way to work around them. Particularly, when they're overwhelmed. While a diagnosis alone can't cost you custody, I don't doubt recurring explosive meltdowns could.

I am not a parent, but I had a parent on the spectrum. I cannot think of anything lighthearted or cute about the experience. Even the few moments of 'bonding' I recall would be shadowed by something that set him off and prompted derision, criticism and/or meltdown. But mostly he left parenting to my mom. I would say in a number of ways he was similar to David Finch of The Journal of Best Practices, minus the diagnosis or the attempt to create best practices. My half-brother has tried to repair their relationship. Maybe I will get there someday.

Sorry, hope others have more positive experiences to share.

I have no doubt a parent on the spectrum would be just as trying, if not possibly more so than having a kid on the spectrum, since adults usually have years of experiences and coping techniques to help them get through the worst of autistic difficulties and kids are still having to learn how to do that kind of stuff. If you want to reconnect, I hope you're able to do so someday. I can't blame you if you don't.

I was going to make sure and include parental meltdowns. Somehow. That one's gonna be a hard one to do to make it somewhat accurate without freaking out anybody.

Hi Ashe,
I'm probably not the best parent to ask on this matter as I don't think I was that good at it. I'll give it a go though

Much appreciated all the same! I got a giggle over the leg rodeo. Sometimes my own kid turns into a cat and bats at my foot if I'm absent-mindedly stimming. I think you would have been a pretty fun dad. I hope they come back to you someday, even if it's just for an occasional coffee.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Heh, and it'd probably be fair if I filled it out, no?

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?
A newborn is such a cakewalk! I don't see what the big deal is.

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?
Toddlers are an absolute nightmare when they get bored, and have so much more energy than I do. I've also been told by other parents he is abnormally stubborn. A genuine sweetheart, but oh so strong willed. He gets it honestly, at least. ^,^

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?
Half and half. I don't push him terribly about picking up his toys and I'm pretty lenient with his sleep and meal times, but I am strict on him being quiet when he's inside, not to push or shove or spit, and trying to keep him clean and groomed.

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
We've spent many nights rocking, bouncing, swaying, patting, and petting to go to sleep. He also loves to bat at any stimming body parts, like a tapping foot.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
Noise is a big issue, I've got a quick temper when I'm in pain and he's good at giving me painful headaches. But at the same time, I've been able to listen for him a good bit and tell the moment he's gone and locked himself in his room before he gets scared.
I've often had to make us sit apart several times because all his bouncing would make me terribly nauseous, and he's gotten in trouble several times for purposely shining a flashlight in my eyes.

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
I have little patience for his grandmother, but in my defense she's rude and alienated most of her family, both her own, her husband's, and now part of those who've married her kids. So I don't suspect I should take full blame for that one.
One thing I expect to come in handy is my ability to study and read people, I hope to pass that on to him and help him out.

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
The main thing he's benefited from is my delayed reaction time to safe situations, such as when he falls down and skins a knee, it'll take a few hours for my mommy-panic to set in. So he gets scooped up, coddled, things calmly explained to him as he's cleaned up, and he calms down pretty quickly himself. He's also benefited a time or two from my "high gear", like one time when I was on one side of the kitchen and he decided to get onto the counter and then fall off. I caught him before he finished clearing the counter. The person with me was pretty impressed I could move that fast!
Right now, the most he's benefited from is getting a few crocheted toys. As he's getting older, he's enjoying my shared interest in bugs and the outdoors. We'll probably have many adventures and discoveries. Oh, and I dig up a lot of fairy tales, folk lore, and kiddy songs for him, those really excite him.
And there are times I get caught up in an interest and I don't want to play with him. I guess it can be a blessing in its own way since he has to learn how to entertain himself, not many people seem capable of doing that these days. But I do stop and refill his sippy or get a snack for him when he asks for it.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?
He drives at night. I especially do not drive at night if I'm having an "Aspie day". We also tag-team it based on which parent is dog tired and overloaded. He's in charge of the cleaning and I'm in charge of the finances.

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?
One three-year-old little boy.

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?
Suspected ADD and OCD, maybe a touch of dyspraxia.

 

[royinpink]

I was going to make sure and include parental meltdowns. Somehow. That one's gonna be a hard one to do to make it somewhat accurate without freaking out anybody.

Agreed. I mean, I'm sure kids need to be told that it's not their fault and their parent needs space, but that is still kinda freaky. Kids are naturally self-centered, so it's also a hard concept to understand. 'Daddy has issues that aren't about me? Daddy isn't perfect?' :/

Anyway, thanks for understanding. I'm not sure if my experience is at all helpful. I guess I could attempt to answer the questions on behalf of my dad...

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?
-Treating kids as kids, rather than holding them to adult standards of correctness and adult tastes.
-Being able to 'be in the moment', have fun and explore, rather than having to be 100% in control and making activities always about the 'right' answer.
-Being an authority figure and role model--recognizing one's authority and being gracious rather than acting as if your child has power over you to 'attack' you.
-Anxiety management/alcohol consumption
-Listening
-Acceptance (of mistakes, of opinions, of differences--and of similarities) and praise
-Recognizing boundaries
-Surprises, oral (rather than written) requests

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?
-I have no idea. Share movies and appreciation of nature?
-Be a 'provider'--give in financial/material ways

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?
-Strict on academics and curfews and 'knowing where you are at all times'
-Lax on dating, what age child should be allowed to watch R-rated movies

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
-Not noticeable

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
-Noise complaints

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
-Tendency to go on monologues/lectures or scripted speeches both with child (silencing) and with child's teachers (embarrassing)

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
-I dunno, I think he escaped into TV and movies.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?
-Most home or kid-related stuff was 'women's work'

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?
Two: 27 and 42 (I think)

 

[AsheSkyler]

Agreed. I mean, I'm sure kids need to be told that it's not their fault and their parent needs space, but that is still kinda freaky. Kids are naturally self-centered, so it's also a hard concept to understand. 'Daddy has issues that aren't about me? Daddy isn't perfect?' :/

Heehee, we were taught early on our dad had issues. He'd eat with his elbows on the table and guard his plate because when he was growing up his siblings would often steal off his plate. So we got used to eating in a little huddle because he wouldn't leave us much room when we'd go out.

Anyway, thanks for understanding. I'm not sure if my experience is at all helpful. I guess I could attempt to answer the questions on behalf of my dad...

Much appreciated! And still helpful. Most may go in the simmer pot for my long-term project on coming up with resources (and warnings) for other spectrum parents.

Oddly, there were a lot of normal mistakes in there I find many parents make. Specifically, treating kids like little adults but ignoring their input and the control issues. I have many memories of other parents criticising my mom because she'd talk to us and let us help decide how to split housework.

 

[royinpink]

Heehee, we were taught early on our dad had issues. He'd eat with his elbows on the table and guard his plate because when he was growing up his siblings would often steal off his plate. So we got used to eating in a little huddle because he wouldn't leave us much room when we'd go out.

That is a cute-funny image. It's cool that you learned that as a kid. I think learning it as an adolescent (when most kids naturally figure it out for themselves) breeds resentment/teenage rebellion.

Oddly, there were a lot of normal mistakes in there I find many parents make. Specifically, treating kids like little adults but ignoring their input and the control issues. I have many memories of other parents criticising my mom because she'd talk to us and let us help decide how to split housework.

I was trying to be general and not make it into like, a rant about my dad. But I think he is kind of on the extreme end of those mistakes. By having adult expectations, I mean like berating my 4-year-old cousin (who had never met him before) for not knowing the distinction between salad forks and dinner forks. Or forcing me to play chess (this must've been in elementary school at the latest, as we didn't interact much after that), then breaking down how my move was wrong and stupid after every turn, then after I became hesitant to make a move, adopting official chess time limits. I'll stop there. As for ignoring input, I could not say much more than "yes" or "uh huh" without him blowing up, but occasionally he'd decide that my affirmative responses sounded bored or dismissive and blow up at that instead, so I had to make sure to punctuate it with statements of agreement so he'd know I really was listening.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I was trying to be general and not make it into like, a rant about my dad. But I think he is kind of on the extreme end of those mistakes. By having adult expectations, I mean like berating my 4-year-old cousin (who had never met him before) for not knowing the distinction between salad forks and dinner forks. Or forcing me to play chess (this must've been in elementary school at the latest, as we didn't interact much after that), then breaking down how my move was wrong and stupid after every turn, then after I became hesitant to make a move, adopting official chess time limits. I'll stop there. As for ignoring input, I could not say much more than "yes" or "uh huh" without him blowing up, but occasionally he'd decide that my affirmative responses sounded bored or dismissive and blow up at that instead, so I had to make sure to punctuate it with statements of agreement so he'd know I really was listening.

Aye, that is an extreme end. (And sounds a bit like my nephew's grandparents. *shudder*) Um, what is the difference between forks? I always get the big one so it doesn't take forever to eat.

 

[Annie White]

Sadly, my kids, as adults, don't think that way. When my youngest daughter found out she was also an aspie all she said to me was "thanks for ****ing up our lives" and has never spoken to me since.

Not all endings are happy.

Shame on her!

 

[royinpink]

Aye, that is an extreme end. (And sounds a bit like my nephew's grandparents. *shudder*) Um, what is the difference between forks? I always get the big one so it doesn't take forever to eat.

Oof, hope your nephew does okay! The salad fork is smaller and placed outside the dinner fork so you move through cutlery 'outside to inside' as you eat the different courses. Or in a formal setting:

Apparently some countries put the salad fork on the inside? Just to complicate things.