Aspie Parents Research

[IrishAspie]

I am thinking about making a little book supposedly by a kid who's PARENT has Asperger's. For once instead of it being a parent trying to figure out their kid, it's a regular kid about 3-4 years old with a parent on the spectrum. But not in a negative sense. It'd be light hearted and cute stuff like "we both have our special blankets we like to snuggle in". And for realistic purposes, a few of shortcomings as well. Preferably something comical like "sometimes their reflexes aren't good [shows picture of ball bouncing off parent's head]". Each sentence or segment would be illustrated. Colored pencils, I'm not good with water colors or pure pen drawings. And what's a kiddy book without pictures or color?

I have no desire to get it officially published. It'd be an epub or PDF for free off my site (with no evil DRM attributes either). I may self-publish through Lulu or someplace like that for those that want a paper copy.

While I'm pretty familiar with my own flavor of autism, I have no idea really what it's like for other parents on the spectrum. If you think there's limited info for female autistics, try finding information on autistic parents! So if ya feel froggy, here's a quiz:

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?

Brill idea, I'd also love to see a story about a young aspie trying to make sense of nt parents. I think seeing the thinking process from that angle would be a great aid to NT parents and siblings.

 

[watersprite]

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?
• I cannot do crowds so we did not and do not do malls, events, movies or gatherings involving gaggles of parents and children. Occasionally I can force myself to stand at the back of performances but I have to be able to leave frequently to pace in a hallway.
Challenges for me involve controlling my temper and meltdowns.

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?
• I read entire series of books several times over out-loud to my kids. (- for ex. HP books 4 times each, the whole Narnia series twice, and dozens of other books too) I can play just like a little kid, in fact I am really naughty and messy and devious, and always will be able to as it is how my mind works, whereas it drives regular parents batty. Also, I allow for seriously goofy goofiness, and have been known to be funny enough at the dinner table as to make kids spit their food out. Also, a couple of their friends told them they wished their parents talked the way me and my kids do about the fascinating universe we are part of. So, I guess that I've done all right in some ways.

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?
• it depends on the situation ...

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
• I have occasionally embarrassed them and learned not to do certain stims except at home. Neither of my kids are NT though, so it was comforting to them that I also was unique. I can play catch a lonnng time.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
• In general I disallowed screaming, unless it was group screaming where we were inside the house and everyone plugged their ears and got out their screams all together. I disallowed the following: gun play & war games, television shows, perfume, incense, loud music, soda, juice, smoking, drugs, shopping, and more if I think about it: so yeah Oh My yeah, my sensory issues had a huge influence. They are both better people for it at this point.

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
• ....is this a trick question?

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
• this is a huge question, and long answer, so PM me for details if necessary.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?
• I have raised them - by choice - alone. I have been a single parent for over 20 years.

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?
• one is in the twenties and out of the house, one is a teen and at home

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids? Aspergers + anxiety + NVLD + synesthesia
Kids taught me to value certain parts of myself that I wouldn't have otherwise, and to overcome parts of myself when I really really have to, and they forgive me for not being able to do certain things, which in turn makes me forgive them, which in turn taught us all about Life.

• you're welcome.

 

[Limited_Moon]

I'm not a parent, but I think this is an adorable Idea!

 

[ASD_Geek]

The book sounds like a really cool idea!

What challenges did you have?
I am over protective at times. I hate to see my children get hurt, but do realize that some of that is necessary for them to develop and and be able to handle life.

Sports. I never knew how to throw a ball and was absolutely horrible at sports in school. I watched videos and tried to learn how to do that so I could teach my children.

Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?
Not that I’m aware of. My friends growing up weren’t into sports or anything physical, so I didn’t have that to go up against.

What were some things you found easy to do?
Generally, just playing with them. I enjoyed playing with them, taking them places, watching TV with them and watching them play.

Were some things much easier for you than other parents?
From watching other parents, I actually enjoyed being with and playing with my kids, while others just seemed to want to watch their children and not be involved.

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?
I am lax in that I want to encourage them to follow what makes them happy. I would rather our house be a “Yes” house that way when we say, “No”, it carries some weight.

I am strict in that I try to raise my children to a certain standard regarding standing up for who they are and what they believe in and not to be concerned too much with others opinions of them.

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
My children have seen me stim and have never mentioned anything about any of them except that I do “something funny” with my mouth and eye. To my knowledge, this has never affected anything either positively or negatively.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
There are times when I just need some quiet and the children are generally really accommodating, although it can get loud as they yell at each other to be quiet for me

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
It seems that my children have gotten my dislike of small talk and being around others. I don’t see any hinderance.

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
I work in IT, so we always had some cool things around the house. I also like the outdoors and the kids have developed a love for that. My children have also developed a strong sense of justice and, like me, are very frustrated when things don’t go as they should.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two.
We each have our own areas of strength and help out as needed. My wife handle the finances and helps with anything that can be overwhelming to me.

 

[Metathinker1]

I'm going to echo other comments. I'm 51 and just diagnosed formally last summer as Aspergers. Our son was diagnosed at age 4 (he's now 20) and that was my introduction to Autism. Over the years I've put the pieces together of the fractured, troubled relationship I had with my own father while growing up. All 5 of his children who are still in his life (I have a sister who left the family back in 2000, and I'm pretty sure she would have diagnosed as Aspergers) are in confident agreement that dad is Aspergers, but he's in deep denial.
There is nothing fun or light about growing up with a parent with Aspergers. It's confusion and pain. A number of years ago I chose to forgive my dad for the emotional / verbal abuse I experienced, and we now have a decent relationship. And understanding Aspergers better now I can say to myself that he is self-centered (blind) rather than selfish (intentionally hurtful), which for me takes the sting out of the hurt.
Fortunately for my own family I have an amazing wife who runs interference between me and our 3 kids, and I've made enough emotional progress that my kids have a positive relationship with me *in spite of* my Aspergers.
Rob

 

[AsheSkyler]

Brill idea, I'd also love to see a story about a young aspie trying to make sense of nt parents. I think seeing the thinking process from that angle would be a great aid to NT parents and siblings.

I'd have to do heavy research for that one if I wrote it. Half the reason I was never tested is because I fit in so well with my family. They went through some of the little tests I did and came out normal. How's that for weird?

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

Not at all. I'm a bit of a stalker people-watcher. While my kid is too young for me to help him out much now, I have had to teach a few friends in the past how to read some people.

And much appreciated. I may take ya up on the PM later on.

I'm not a parent, but I think this is an adorable Idea!

Thank ye!

There are times when I just need some quiet and the children are generally really accommodating, although it can get loud as they yell at each other to be quiet for me

That sounds pretty cute! And thank ye.

I'm going to echo other comments. I'm 51 and just diagnosed formally last summer as Aspergers. Our son was diagnosed at age 4 (he's now 20) and that was my introduction to Autism. Over the years I've put the pieces together of the fractured, troubled relationship I had with my own father while growing up. All 5 of his children who are still in his life (I have a sister who left the family back in 2000, and I'm pretty sure she would have diagnosed as Aspergers) are in confident agreement that dad is Aspergers, but he's in deep denial.
There is nothing fun or light about growing up with a parent with Aspergers. It's confusion and pain. A number of years ago I chose to forgive my dad for the emotional / verbal abuse I experienced, and we now have a decent relationship. And understanding Aspergers better now I can say to myself that he is self-centered (blind) rather than selfish (intentionally hurtful), which for me takes the sting out of the hurt.
Fortunately for my own family I have an amazing wife who runs interference between me and our 3 kids, and I've made enough emotional progress that my kids have a positive relationship with me *in spite of* my Aspergers.
Rob

Ouch. That's two strikes on Aspie dads. I've chatted with a bunch of moms, but not many dads. Not off to a good start. I hope things go more smoothly for you and your kids than it has for some of the others.

Oof, hope your nephew does okay! The salad fork is smaller and placed outside the dinner fork so you move through cutlery 'outside to inside' as you eat the different courses. Or in a formal setting:

Apparently some countries put the salad fork on the inside? Just to complicate things.

Pfft, a real man uses the big fork at all times! Bah on frilly bitty forks.
And I think I'll save that image for future reference...

 

[inabox]

Some don't apply as my only child is still under 1yr. May be helpful also yo know thar I'm parenting alone. But these are my answers

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?

Challenges have been I've had to force some of my speech out. Sometimes I just feel unable to speak, but don't want to hinder speech development, so I've had to force myself, and the odd occasion when I just can't I put the radio on.

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?

I don't know if I find it easier than other parents, but i often find it easy to know exactly what my son wants. not sure how I know because he doesnt speak yet, but i definitely feel a connection.
I've heard that some aspies can't cope with the crap and sick, but it wasn't / isn't a problem.

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?

I think I'm more lax than some who have given me advice, but I don't know when compared to the general population. I have let him find his own routine, and i'm always led by him. For example, some parents would say their child must go to sleep at a set time, but if he isn't ready to sleep, he isn't ready.

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

When I find myself humming loudly to myself, or shaking my head/hand flapping, it turns out this is a great source of entertainment. And my leg bouncing is very helpful to sort out his wind.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

my son's very easy going. if its too loud or busy somewhere he is not at all bothered if we go somewhere else. and he doesn't like loud or sudden noises either. I try to do things for him as I would want them done for me, so I don't get him up the instant he's woken up (unless he is unhappy) because he will experience change of position, feeling on his skin, what he can see and how warm he feels, all when he hasnt been awake long, it would bother me so i am looking out for him because he cant talk yet.

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

Sorry, don't understand what a grace is. [emoji15]

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

I can fix his toys that have batteries that the manufacturer never intended for them to have a replacement battery [emoji1] Other than that he is a bit too young.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?

His dad is no longer with us

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?

One. he's less than a year old.

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?

??

 

[AsheSkyler]

Many thanks. =)

Some don't apply as my only child is still under 1yr. May be helpful also yo know thar I'm parenting alone. But these are my answers

Infancy was hands down the easiest stage for me, especially with that odd non-verbal connection. But, mine is just a toddler and I haven't seen the later stages yet. Terrible twos, evil stuff.

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?
??

OCD, ADHD, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, Celiac, stuff like that which often likes to pair itself with autism. Er, assuming you haven't heard the term "comorbid" before. Sometimes I think they come up with more terms just because we're not supposed to like change. Or maybe because we're supposed to enjoy collecting data.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I guess I'm a bit confused, I thought the OP was recruiting kids of aspie parents but a lot of the responses seem to be about parenting aspie kids. So I don't know if I should ask my son these questions (he's not aspie) or if I'm answering as the aspie parent.

But I definitely think the parental meltdown bit is important. I had a meltdown one Christmas over being left at home because spouse was sure he'd be late for dress rehearsal with the hired musicians, and my four-year-old said, "Mommy, mommy, I don't want you to get divorced!"

And I felt, just awful, because I couldn't respond to him, it was one more hurt. I not only wasn't in choir, I wasn't even getting my Christmas music fix, and now I'd upset my dependent child and frightened him. I've never forgotten that.

It wasn't that bad, but there were a number of kids he knew whose families were...extended. And not happy.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Aye, I suspect of everything, meltdowns and shutdowns would be the biggest concern since they can incapacitate a person the most. Some kids can learn early on that a parent is just venting some steam and frustration, but a little kid might not understand it as much. My parents aren't autistic, but they were stressed a lot and it took a long time for me to figure it out.

I guess I'm a bit confused, I thought the OP was recruiting kids of aspie parents but a lot of the responses seem to be about parenting aspie kids. So I don't know if I should ask my son these questions (he's not aspie) or if I'm answering as the aspie parent.

I'm mostly looking for parents on the spectrum, whether it's a poster's parent or they are the parent, since there are gobs of books out there about regular folk raising an Aspie. If your son wants to chime, he's welcome to.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Ah, I get it.

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?

Doing things with other parents. It was a nightmare trying to make sure I wasn't weird, and I failed at it. I'll never forget some conflicts over a trip where an NT parent absolutely demanded that I carry something home for her and I showed her my suitcases and asked her where she thought I could put a 4-foot-long poster that must not get creased. Or how an open invitation to get together and share pictures explicitly stated "no pictures of architecture" and it was somehow clear to me that this would be a scrapbook swap that I wasn't welcome to. It's true that I had very few people pictures...

Also, the whole assembly thing, having to get involved with people. I could always manage to say the wrong thing or not say something that should have been said. And I'm not a size 8 blonde with a running habit.

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?

It was easy for me to take the only single seat on the train, easy for me to roam a foreign city alone, and easy for me to coach kids without telling them what to do--I created the environment, they figured out what they wanted to do with it. And I found it easy to get the soloists on board, as well as the duelists.

It was also easy for me to take unpopular stances. On one occasion there was a "stranger danger" concern about what schools should reinforce about not going places with strangers. This particular school has a lot of adoptive kids in it, and guess who stood up and pointed out that the statistics show the most dangerous places for a kid to be is with a family not related by blood. Who does an abused child go to when the family is dangerous and strangers are bad? The program died a hasty death.

It was easy to relate to the kid who didn't fit in, and to find a way to fit her in. It was also easy to work with the other "difficult" parent, the one who basically could outspend them all but had issues...which included a young daughter who I suspect is HFA, knowing what I know now.

When a fire broke out in a kitchen during a visit to one of the parents, I was one of three parents who calmly stuffed lids on the open flames and the only one to tear off clothing to contain things.

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?

Lax. My son said to me recently, "was that intentional?" I said, "yes, the rule was that I would say yes to anything I couldn't find a good reason to say no too." He stared off into the middle distance and replied, "That was a good strategy."

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

I hid what stimming I did, except for my "origami hands." I don't flap, but I do fold when I talk. Sometimes if I start rehashing a conversation aloud it's bothered him, so I work at not doing that.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

Didn't. I closed the world out to talk to him. We are notably close emotionally, and he's always found it easy to "tune" to me, and while I can't be sure it's run both ways, there've been many occasions when I did pick something up about him. And one notable occasion when I didn't.

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

Oh God. Social grace? Fortunately, didn't need much. He was an easy child and I made putting him with people who did have social graces a priority. It's paid off for him.

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

I could explain weirdness to him, and also the little I know about business and how things seem to work in the world, even though I myself don't navigate it all that well. He's much better at silliness than I am, and for years all three of us would create nonsensical conversations from nothing, just riffing off each other's puns.

He says what I did was that I sent him to private school. He says he got to mingle with people who are well-heeled, and very socially aware, and aware of problems that mattered and didn't dwell on problems that didn't matter. People who knew that how they conducted themselves was important, which helps manage how people think of you. It makes a big difference when people look at how someone who knows how to conduct themselves, and someone who doesn't.

He also says hanging out with his aspie mom taught him how to approach problems, to focus on the problem and that there's a solution, that we will find it together, and his schooling taught him how to present the solution:

"Because...you know, I can't think of how to say it. What do you call them?"
"Neurotypicals."
"Stupid is the wrong word," he said thoughtfully. "They're not stupid. But they're not good at problems. So I tell them to have a glass of water and I solve the problem and then I also know how to communicate it to them."

He can keep these two things separate. I just want to know about the problem, so he just uses that skill with me.

And tears are rolling down my face, now, for what I am, for what I'm not, and for the grace that let me find a way through his babyhood and childhood, and for the report card I've waited nearly 20 years for. It's in. It's good.

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?

Mix of the two.

PS. My own father was very likely aspie or HFA. You can add a third strike against the father with the syndrome, from my point of view. Not going to discuss that further.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Hrm. I should definitely do a mommy and daddy version to further research Aspie dads. It's only three strikes, but that's 3 of 4 bad reports on the menfolk.

"Stupid is the wrong word," he said thoughtfully. "They're not stupid. But they're not good at problems. ..."

You've raised a patient and kind sir. Not many are that understanding, myself included.

 

[Sully]

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?
I have problems with executive functioning. I work full-time days and my wife works part-time evenings. On the evenings my wife is at work I have to make sure the kids do their homework, eat supper, take baths, etc. It seems simple enough, but I often find that 9 or 10 P.M. comes around quickly and they're not quite ready for bed. They skipped baths many times. I've been getting much better lately, but it took a couple of years.

I have a funny story. I was recently listening to an interview with Tony Attwood. He was saying how aspies can be very good parents, but that it isn't always intuitive. I immediately thought to myself, "Well, that isn't me. People always tell me what a good dad I am. I have a lot of patience and I'm always doing fun activities with the kids." Plus, when we had our first child my wife was scared to do certain things at first, such as give her a bath. I didn't hesitate and enjoyed doing things like that. But, then Tony Attwood explained what he meant. He gave the example that an aspie mom might be criticized because she hasn't changed the kids clothes in three days and she'll reply, "But, we've had so much fun with finger paints." Then a distant memory of a conversation jumped into my mind that went something like this:

wife: What did you give the kids for supper last night?
me: uh, they didn't say they were hungry.
wife: So what did you do all night?
me: We made a volcano in the kitchen.
wife: So you can go into the kitchen and put together the ingredients for a volcano, but you can't put together the ingredients to make them something to eat?
me: (speechless, but thinking: yeah, that's way cooler)

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?
I'm not sure if this counts, but when the school switched over to the common core curriculum I looked at my daughter's homework and thought, “They finally learned how to teach kids math!” Then I went to the first PTA meeting of the year and all the parents bombarded the principal with complaints about the math homework that they couldn't even help their children with. A room full of angry moms isn't the best place to voice one's minority opinion so I just kept my mouth shut the way I usually do.

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?
Depends on the situation, but I don't think there is an AS specific difference.

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
Like Harrison, my kids like to bounce on my knee. They like to say ahhhhhh and hear it change to ah ah ah ah as they bounce up and down.

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
My younger daughter talks incessantly (she gets that from her mother). We saw her talking in the womb on an ultrasound, she talks in bed before she gets up, she talks all day, she sings loudly in the shower, you might think at least when she goes to sleep she is quiet, but no she talks in her sleep too. Talking wears me down.

I also don't like to be touched too much, especially light touch. Sometimes my daughters might lean on me and caress my arm and I'll pull away. I don't even realize I do it sometimes. My wife gets mad at me and says they are just being affectionate. Then I feel like a terrible person. I don't want them to feel rejected so if I realize I just did something like that then I'll just scoop them up and hug them.

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?
So far I don't think there has been any effect, but they are still young and it may be a problem in the future.

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?
I have two girls, one is eight, the other six.

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?
I don't have any that I know of.

I hope this is useful for you.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Aye, quite. Evening out the dad score! Harrison was considered a good dad by his kids until they got grown.

I also don't like to be touched too much, especially light touch. Sometimes my daughters might lean on me and caress my arm and I'll pull away. I don't even realize I do it sometimes. My wife gets mad at me and says they are just being affectionate. Then I feel like a terrible person. I don't want them to feel rejected so if I realize I just did something like that then I'll just scoop them up and hug them.

Light touch has left me growling a few times too. He's only 3, but I tell him (and my husband too) quite bluntly: "No light touch, be firm." And give them a normal hug or caress as example because it's not as painful or itchy as a brush. I still have concerns with them feeling rejected too.

I'm not sure if this counts, but when the school switched over to the common core curriculum I looked at my daughter's homework and thought, “They finally learned how to teach kids math!” Then I went to the first PTA meeting of the year and all the parents bombarded the principal with complaints about the math homework that they couldn't even help their children with. A room full of angry moms isn't the best place to voice one's minority opinion so I just kept my mouth shut the way I usually do.

I'll keep you in mind when my kid starts school. I'm very good at math, as are a few members of my family, but that common core stuff... It'd be easier for me to teach him higher algebra.

 

[Sully]

I'll keep you in mind when my kid starts school. I'm very good at math, as are a few members of my family, but that common core stuff... It'd be easier for me to teach him higher algebra.

Then I think you will like common core. If you give a first grader the problem 3+5=__ most will have no problem. But, if you give them __=3+5, 50% of the kids don't know what to do. With the new curriculum, right from kindergarten, they are learning their equations forwards and backwards so they understand the actual operations and not just how to plug numbers into a formula. They're learning to think algebraically from the start. They also learn to decompose numbers. So they no longer add by going down columns and carrying at the top of the next column. They decompose the numbers into parts to add in their head and then compose the answer. Basically the way you would add lots of numbers mentally. The only part that got me was the terminology. I had no idea what "number bonds" were and "group-5 cards" and the "say it ten way"... I understood the concepts, I just didn't realize they had special names.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Then I think you will like common core. If you give a first grader the problem 3+5=__ most will have no problem. But, if you give them __=3+5, 50% of the kids don't know what to do. With the new curriculum, right from kindergarten, they are learning their equations forwards and backwards so they understand the actual operations and not just how to plug numbers into a formula. They're learning to think algebraically from the start. They also learn to decompose numbers. So they no longer add by going down columns and carrying at the top of the next column. They decompose the numbers into parts to add in their head and then compose the answer. Basically the way you would add lots of numbers mentally. The only part that got me was the terminology. I had no idea what "number bonds" were and "group-5 cards" and the "say it ten way"... I understood the concepts, I just didn't realize they had special names.

Yeah, the terminology threw me off. And the fact that it's largely busy work, like this mind-numbingly boring problem: "What is the sum of the two-digit multiples of 11?". I think I had that question back in highschool. Sometimes I'd stab my book repeatedly with an eraser so the pages wouldn't get destroyed and I could take my frustration out on how pointless the problems were. Same thing with English class. Diagramming sentences has still not proven useful to my life, and the grade earned doing the work would not have had a noticeable outcome on my chances of graduating.

 

[Naturalist]

I would love to give this book to my son.

What challenges did you have? Were any of your challenges something other parents found easy?

What were some things you found easy to do? Were some things much easier for you than other parents?

Did you find yourself to be a more lax or strict parent?

In what ways did your stimming help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your sensory issues help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your social graces help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

In what ways did your specialties (knowledge, craft, talents, etc.) help or hinder interaction with your child(ren)?

If you're married (or have some kind long-term partner you live with), did you find that sometimes they had to do more than usual due to your weaknesses? Or less due to your strengths? Or some mix of the two?

Optional: How many kids have you got and how old are they?

Optional: What are your comorbids, both diagnosed and personally suspected? How did they come into play when raising kids?

1) Challenges--dealing with noise; not having enough time to myself--the constant call of "Waaaaaah" and later, "Momm-m-m-y!!!" Keeping house clean is another big issue, and cooking meals, and shopping at grocery store. Other moms seem to take everything in stride, doing ten things at once, and laugh about how crazy motherhood is. I am less frequently able to laugh it off. I also find it very hard to take my son to the playground. The playground is noisy, and the other parents are boring and don't understand me.

2) I desperately want one thing to be easy. But it never is. Everything is more complicated than it seems.

3) Probably more strict, because people are so critical of me anyway and I don't want to seem remiss in my parenting or in discipline.

4) My son is possible ADHD and we like to stim together. It is one of the things we have an understanding about, because I never tell him not to fidget. When we are stressed, we run in circles together until we get dizzy.

5) I spent a lot of time in meltdown mode in my room, while my toddler son looked sadly on before toddling into his room to play with his trains. When he would cry too much I would often leave the room and close the door, until I found things like earplugs and noise-cancelling headphones.

6) Don't know how to teach social graces...beyond the obvious "say please and thank you". But it doesn't hinder interacting with my son--he often helps me to know what to do in social settings, and has since preschool.

7) Special interests--that's where I become a good mommy! At age seven my son has participated in archaeological digs, identified human skeletal remains, classified plants / birds / mammals / insects, spent lots of time hiking and biking, made a huge portfolio of paintings (and made his own paint, too), visited air force bases, gone fly fishing, explored hundreds of historic sites, written and illustrated stories, planted a garden, learned constellations...That's just a fraction of the ways we spend our time! I have always given my son the full and correct explanation for any question he has ever had. Once my husband criticized my use of big words around a two year old, and I said that he would learn four-syllable words the same way he learned single-syllable ones (and he did).

8) My husband does end up with more than his fair share on work, because I get frustrated and have to call him in to help. This goes for any mundane task such as housework, grocery shopping, getting son dressed for school... It almost always gets beyond my control too quickly, and my husband has to sort it all out. He hates it.

*I have only one child. In the hospital the midwife decided to disregard my birth plan and I can't deal with changes of plan, and it upset me very much. I decided I didn't want that again, and the difficulties I have raising my son confirm my decision to have no more. He really wishes he had siblings though. It makes me sad.

*I had a lot of postpartum depression after he was born because of everything being so overwhelming and people telling me to just deal with it and be thankful for a healthy baby. Also, after he was about two months old no one wanted to assist me any more. I never got any time to myself because no one in my family was willing and able to watch my son. Once my sister-in-law yelled at me for calling her in an emergency to see if she could watch my son, because she already had plans and it was inconsiderate to call at the last minute (as if I had had a choice). Until my son started preschool I had no time without him. I still yell at him a lot when I am at my wit's end and it makes me sad. But sometimes when I am upset he gets quiet and just cuddles up to me, and that is the best.

 

[Naturalist]

Also, I find it hard to do imaginative, spontaneous play unless it is of my own devising. Very frustrating to my son.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Toddlers and autistics seem to bring about strong emotions. For some, it's the best stage of the kid's life and the parent is in heaven. For some, toddlers trigger all their worst issues and the parent is in hell. No middle ground that I've seen yet. The poking gets me.

Once my husband criticized my use of big words around a two year old, and I said that he would learn four-syllable words the same way he learned single-syllable ones (and he did).

That brings back a fond memory! When my kid was only a few months old, I was chatting to him about the history of nursery rhymes and various things while I was preparing supper. My husband ended up having to come into the kitchen because he thought we had company over and he'd missed it. Thankfully, he wasn't upset. He did tease me about it a bit.

*I have only one child. In the hospital the midwife decided to disregard my birth plan and I can't deal with changes of plan, and it upset me very much. I decided I didn't want that again, and the difficulties I have raising my son confirm my decision to have no more. He really wishes he had siblings though. It makes me sad.

*I had a lot of postpartum depression after he was born because of everything being so overwhelming and people telling me to just deal with it and be thankful for a healthy baby. Also, after he was about two months old no one wanted to assist me any more. I never got any time to myself because no one in my family was willing and able to watch my son. Once my sister-in-law yelled at me for calling her in an emergency to see if she could watch my son, because she already had plans and it was inconsiderate to call at the last minute (as if I had had a choice). Until my son started preschool I had no time without him. I still yell at him a lot when I am at my wit's end and it makes me sad. But sometimes when I am upset he gets quiet and just cuddles up to me, and that is the best.

Another thing I have SERIOUSLY considered is starting a support group for autistic mothers (or anybody dealing with the medical community). I won't go into many details, but the staff in the entire baby wing got fired and replaced shortly after due to the sheer number of complaints from me and other women about how bad they were to us. And as neurodiverse, I think we have a slightly higher chance of being emotionally ransacked afterward due to our issues like problems with change, sensory issues, etc. If I ever have another kid, I'm just taking my chances at home and I refuse to go to a hospital again. Midwives are illegal in my state, so they're not an option for me unless I can bribe one out-of-state to take a chance and let me make the drive to them at a proper birthing center. And I digress into a long tangent...

 

[Karin]

Hi,

If you're interested I can answer the questions from the point of view of a NT mom seeing the interaction between aspie dad and now 11 and 14 yr old children.