Aspie logic complicating a situation with a partner

[Nadador]

I've done it again. Upset my mate because of my Aspie way of looking at things.

My partner and I both travel a lot for work. I've just come back from being away for three weeks, and since my return, he's been out touring [music], and has only been home for short breaks of a day or so at a time.

Adam has two days off in a row this round, today and tomorrow. He leaves again for four days on Sunday morning, but then the tour is done. I got his days off confused, and so have made plans to be away tomorrow, rock climbing with a friend at a park a couple of hours from home. I will leave early, and return late.

Once Adam's tour is over next week, we will have almost all of the rest of December and early January together. For this, I don't feel inclined to cancel my plans with my friend tomorrow. He's an old schoolmate, one of my dearest, and I don't get to see him very often. I take responsibility for my mistake with the calendar, but I really do want to keep our date. I don't have many friends to go climbing with.

I explained my logic to Adam, and he was understanding, but he mentioned that he was really looking forward to being home with me these two days. He seems a bit upset that I'm not wanting to cancel for him. I think he feels I haven't missed him enough. I have, but as I said, I'm going to see plenty of him very soon. I get the feeling that my Aspie logic is making me seem cold to him.

Do any of you have problems like this? If you were in my position, would you cancel, or accept Adam's "understanding" and go anyway? I'm not looking for help with my actual decision. It's made. But I'm curious to hear what people think.

 

[Kari Suttle]

If i were in your situation i would go with the friend anyways. As much as the friend would probably be understanding if you cancelled...i feel like its smart to go with whoever you see less of as a whole and it sounds as if that's the friend. You will have plenty of time to see your partner in the near future, it sounds like, while on the other hand it doesn't seem like you get the chance to see this particular friend very often. If i were in your shoes, I would take the chance while its there and go out with your friend as planned.

 

[Harrison]

I've done it again. Upset my mate because of my Aspie way of looking at things.

My partner and I both travel a lot for work. I've just come back from being away for three weeks, and since my return, he's been out touring [music], and has only been home for short breaks of a day or so at a time.

Adam has two days off in a row this round, today and tomorrow. He leaves again for four days on Sunday morning, but then the tour is done. I got his days off confused, and so have made plans to be away tomorrow, rock climbing with a friend at a park a couple of hours from home. I will leave early, and return late.

Once Adam's tour is over next week, we will have almost all of the rest of December and early January together. For this, I don't feel inclined to cancel my plans with my friend tomorrow. He's an old schoolmate, one of my dearest, and I don't get to see him very often. I take responsibility for my mistake with the calendar, but I really do want to keep our date. I don't have many friends to go climbing with.

I explained my logic to Adam, and he was understanding, but he mentioned that he was really looking forward to being home with me these two days. He seems a bit upset that I'm not wanting to cancel for him. I think he feels I haven't missed him enough. I have, but as I said, I'm going to see plenty of him very soon. I get the feeling that my Aspie logic is making me seem cold to him.

Do any of you have problems like this? If you were in my position, would you cancel, or accept Adam's "understanding" and go anyway? I'm not looking for help with my actual decision. It's made. But I'm curious to hear what people think.

I have been in that position and I cancelled. Logic and emotions are oil and water.

 

[AsheSkyler]

The socially acceptable thing to do is reschedule the friend in favor of your mate whom you have not seen in a while. I also tend to have the patience of a tree, so I've run into this blunder a few times too. I've waited out more situations than I can count because of the near future being better. One of the uneasiest fights I got into was not understanding why highschoolers couldn't wait a year or two to get away from their peers and always acted like every day was the end of the world. (Followed by a few additional arguments why they didn't take a more direct approach to their bullies, but that's another tangent.) I have trouble understanding how somebody can't bide their time until their guaranteed freedom arrives soon.

And welcome back. =)

 

[Grumpy Cat]

As an NT, I'd be hurt if you didn't cancel. You made the mistake of getting the days off of when you two would be spending time together so I would expect you to correct your mistake and cancel the plans you made with the other person.

Now if you had made the plans with your friend first and had NOT made the mistake of the days that Adam would be off (meaning Adam wanted to spend time with you spur-of-the-moment AFTER you had already made plans) then I would say to go see your friend. But making the mistake then choosing your friend instead of Adam does not sound good in NT land.

 

[Ste11aeres]

As an NT, I'd be hurt if you didn't cancel. You made the mistake of getting the days off of when you two would be spending time together so I would expect you to correct your mistake and cancel the plans you made with the other person.

Now if you had made the plans with your friend first and had NOT made the mistake of the days that Adam would be off (meaning Adam wanted to spend time with you spur-of-the-moment AFTER you had already made plans) then I would say to go see your friend. But making the mistake then choosing your friend instead of Adam does not sound good in NT land.

Interesting new perspective. i hadn't thought of it from that angle, as connected with the question of who had made the mistake.
(Slightly envious,Nadador, because you have the luxury of getting to decide between two people, either of whom you can spend time with )

 

[apsie]

If you made a contract with your partner to be with him before you made a contract with your friend,
then being with your partner and canceling/apologising to your friend seems like the right thing to do, to me.

If you did not make a contract with your partner, but you did with your friend,
then going with your friend seems right, to me.

Then there's emotions... Can't help you there.

 

[Vinca]

I've done it again. Upset my mate because of my Aspie way of looking at things.

My partner and I both travel a lot for work. I've just come back from being away for three weeks, and since my return, he's been out touring [music], and has only been home for short breaks of a day or so at a time.

Adam has two days off in a row this round, today and tomorrow. He leaves again for four days on Sunday morning, but then the tour is done. I got his days off confused, and so have made plans to be away tomorrow, rock climbing with a friend at a park a couple of hours from home. I will leave early, and return late.

Once Adam's tour is over next week, we will have almost all of the rest of December and early January together. For this, I don't feel inclined to cancel my plans with my friend tomorrow. He's an old schoolmate, one of my dearest, and I don't get to see him very often. I take responsibility for my mistake with the calendar, but I really do want to keep our date. I don't have many friends to go climbing with.

I explained my logic to Adam, and he was understanding, but he mentioned that he was really looking forward to being home with me these two days. He seems a bit upset that I'm not wanting to cancel for him. I think he feels I haven't missed him enough. I have, but as I said, I'm going to see plenty of him very soon. I get the feeling that my Aspie logic is making me seem cold to him.

Do any of you have problems like this? If you were in my position, would you cancel, or accept Adam's "understanding" and go anyway? I'm not looking for help with my actual decision. It's made. But I'm curious to hear what people think.

One of the stressful things I find about making plans is the possiblity of having to cancel. Other peoples logic regarding what is socially acceptable is something that I am not able to anticipate so I feel as though I am walking into a mine field with no way of figuring out how to navigate the situation and avoid stepping on a mine. I've also seen some family memebers react quite negatively and take it personally when plans have been cancelled and I worry that if I were cancelling an arrangement someone might react this way.

I had made plans with a friend and then a family event came up for the same day, relating to the recent death of a relative, and i didn't know whether it would be considered important enough to warrant cancelling the arrangement I had with myfriend. I knew what I wanted to do for me but I didn't know whether this was a situation in which I would be expected to compromise what I wanted for the sake of a prior arrangement.

 

[Jambo_nick]

Tricky one this! Don't beat yourself up too much as most people have been guilty of making plans when they already have plans. What makes it harder is this is not just an ordinary friend but a close one with a lot of history then of course you have the interests of your partner. The fact you have started this thread says to me that you care deeply for your partner. One thing positive though is you can make amends! When you 2 have time together, make it special for him, make him feel special! Is there anything that he likes? Bottom line I would say is don't beat yourself up.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I explained my logic to Adam, and he was understanding, but he mentioned that he was really looking forward to being home with me these two days. He seems a bit upset that I'm not wanting to cancel for him. I think he feels I haven't missed him enough.

This says it all. Adam is trying to be nice about it, but he is UPSET. (And you made the boo boo, too)

*** I'm repeating myself for all the Aspie guys trying to figure out NT women.

HUNNY + UPSET = Sleeping on the Couch
+ =

Grumpy Cat would be saying "Your gift is in the litter box!"

 

[AsheSkyler]

Other peoples logic regarding what is socially acceptable is something that I am not able to anticipate so I feel as though I am walking into a mine field with no way of figuring out how to navigate the situation and avoid stepping on a mine.

And a Nintendo mine field at that where even if you stand perfectly still a mine will appear under your feet and blow you up anyway.

 

[Warmheart]

As much as I find comfort in nice, dry logic, it doesn't always go well with affairs of the heart. Hearts can be sensitive, and have really long memories. Plus, we never truly know to what degree an upset mate is hurting. The very fact that you're here asking, means you are kindhearted, you really care, and want to understand and be supportive of your sweetie. You are both so very fortunate to have each other. I envy you both. I also really admire you for exploring this.

You asked what I would do in such a situation: I would stay home with my mate. It would "cost less" in the end, and bring me closer to someone I love.

 

[Nadador]

Well, I'm here today, so that means I stayed home. Adam didn't let his disappointment get in the way of us having a good day together, and it made me think a little harder about my decision. He is always having to accommodate me. I know it's hard work. We don't keep score in our relationship, but I felt that cancelling was the least I could do to show my willingness to give a little more. I'm very grateful for all of your input. It helped me sort through my own thoughts. Thank you all for your generosity.

Logic and emotions are oil and water.

For me, logic and emotions often seem to work together nicely, but I reckon that's because when my emotions start to whinge a bit, my logic bullies them into place. I'm still learning not to bully my partner's emotions with my own logic. The result is never nearly as good.

As an NT, I'd be hurt if you didn't cancel. You made the mistake of getting the days off of when you two would be spending time together so I would expect you to correct your mistake and cancel the plans you made with the other person.

I appreciate the Grumpy Cat spanking. You said outright what Adam was too kind to bring to issue, that it was my mistake to correct. This was very helpful, as it made me take responsibility, instead of looking at the situation as an objective problem to sort out. Thank you for that, and for an NT perspective. It was valuable.

Interesting new perspective. i hadn't thought of it from that angle, as connected with the question of who had made the mistake. (Slightly envious,Nadador, because you have the luxury of getting to decide between two people, either of whom you can spend time with )

I hadn't considered it Angela's way, either. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

No need to be envious of my little "luxury". I've found that the worst trouble I ever get into happens over such choices! Especially when both are NTs. I'm not very good at making decisions that involve their feelings. More often than not, I end up in hot water with all involved, no matter what I choose. In this case, I got lucky. My friend was under some pressure from his wife to stay home today as well, so I let him off the hook.

If you made a contract with your partner to be with him before you made a contract with your friend, then being with your partner and canceling/apologising to your friend seems like the right thing to do, to me.

If you did not make a contract with your partner, but you did with your friend,
then going with your friend seems right, to me.

This was very helpful. I believe it's how I will think of social dealings in the future, as "contracts". Add this to Angela's lesson in the importance of whose mistake caused the problem, and I now have a good method for analysing future incidents. Brilliant!

And a Nintendo mine field at that where even if you stand perfectly still a mine will appear under your feet and blow you up anyway.

Oh, how true this is! That's a perfect description. My social world often feels more like a video game than reality. I'm lousy at video games. They make me nervous.

(edit)...Hearts can be sensitive, and have really long memories. Plus, we never truly know to what degree an upset mate is hurting.

You asked what I would do in such a situation: I would stay home with my mate. It would "cost less" in the end, and bring me closer to someone I love.

Thank you for bringing your special gentleness to my dilemma, Warmheart. While other posts appealed very helpfully to my logic, yours brought my heart back into the equation. I thank you for your compliments, as well. I'm trying very hard to do the right things in this relationship. It's my first true and balanced romantic experience, so I need to have both my head and my heart fully engaged. It's not an easy thing to learn to do.

 

[Nadador]

If i were in your situation i would go with the friend anyways. As much as the friend would probably be understanding if you cancelled...i feel like its smart to go with whoever you see less of as a whole and it sounds as if that's the friend. You will have plenty of time to see your partner in the near future, it sounds like, while on the other hand it doesn't seem like you get the chance to see this particular friend very often. If i were in your shoes, I would take the chance while its there and go out with your friend as planned.

Hi, Kari, my girl! I've missed being on threads with you, lately!

This is how I was thinking, too. I still believe it's perfectly valid. But I guess once you have a serious partner, there are more selfless considerations that need to be given special weight. I'm so used to doing as I please. When Adam and I first got together, I told him that I didn't want to change my lifestyle or lose my freedom. He accepted that, but as time has gone by, I realise that it's impossible to be the same as I once was as a single man. It's not only my relationship status that has changed...I have changed, too. Looking back on my proclamation about keeping all of my freedom, I feel it was quite naïve. You and I are separated by many years, but when it comes to relationships, I'm about as mature and prepared as you are, as a teen. I don't mean that to sound ageist. There's a wonderful simplicity of reasoning that comes with being young, and I love that. I wish it were easier to maintain it and still do all of the things adults do. Alas, it's not. Bummer.

I also tend to have the patience of a tree, so I've run into this blunder a few times too. I've waited out more situations than I can count because of the near future being better. One of the uneasiest fights I got into was not understanding why highschoolers couldn't wait a year or two to get away from their peers and always acted like every day was the end of the world. (Followed by a few additional arguments why they didn't take a more direct approach to their bullies, but that's another tangent.) I have trouble understanding how somebody can't bide their time until their guaranteed freedom arrives soon.

Thanks for the welcome back. I have the same tendency to extreme patience, and biding my time. I had to learn it back when I was always dead broke, so I would have the discipline to be frugal and save for the things I wanted have and do. I also had to master patience in my long struggle to get into television. Now I suppose I expect everybody to have the same perspective. It's not very reasonable, really. I have to remind myself of that, frequently.

Other peoples logic regarding what is socially acceptable is something that I am not able to anticipate so I feel as though I am walking into a mine field with no way of figuring out how to navigate the situation and avoid stepping on a mine. I've also seen some family memebers react quite negatively and take it personally when plans have been cancelled and I worry that if I were cancelling an arrangement someone might react this way.

I share your troubles with prioritising according to social conventions. They often don't make sense to me, either. Two things can seem like they have equal weight to me, but to somebody else, they're miles apart. One of the hardest aspects of being an Aspie, for me, has always been knowing what's most important to the NTs whose social world I have no choice but to live in...and knowing what compromises are most acceptable in a conflict. It's exhausting, and frustrating, especially since very few people in my life know that I have AS at all.

Tricky one this! Don't beat yourself up too much as most people have been guilty of making plans when they already have plans. What makes it harder is this is not just an ordinary friend but a close one with a lot of history then of course you have the interests of your partner. The fact you have started this thread says to me that you care deeply for your partner. One thing positive though is you can make amends! When you 2 have time together, make it special for him, make him feel special! Is there anything that he likes? Bottom line I would say is don't beat yourself up.

This was very helpful, Nick. And thanks, I do care very much for Adam. Making amends turns out to be a rather pleasant experience, once the ice is broken. He sure was appreciative. It made me feel good to have made him happy...more so than I would have felt getting my way.

The fact that the friend in question is someone I have a very long history with was part of what made me want to give him priority. I'm still figuring out the rules of when romantic partnerships trump friendships, no matter how longstanding. They seem to be very complex!

 

[paulb]

"Making amends turns out to be a pleasant experience". Aka..."Make up sex". Gotta love new romance!!!

 

[Nadador]

"Making amends turns out to be a pleasant experience". Aka..."Make up sex". Gotta love new romance!!!

Amen to that, my friend.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well, I'm here today, so that means I stayed home. Adam didn't let his disappointment get in the way of us having a good day together, and it made me think a little harder about my decision. He is always having to accommodate me. I know it's hard work. We don't keep score in our relationship, but I felt that cancelling was the least I could do to show my willingness to give a little more. I'm very grateful for all of your input. It helped me sort through my own thoughts. Thank you all for your generosity.




For me, logic and emotions often seem to work together nicely, but I reckon that's because when my emotions start to whinge a bit, my logic bullies them into place. I'm still learning not to bully my partner's emotions with my own logic. The result is never nearly as good.




I appreciate the Grumpy Cat spanking. You said outright what Adam was too kind to bring to issue, that it was my mistake to correct. This was very helpful, as it made me take responsibility, instead of looking at the situation as an objective problem to sort out. Thank you for that, and for an NT perspective. It was valuable.




I hadn't considered it Angela's way, either. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

No need to be envious of my little "luxury". I've found that the worst trouble I ever get into happens over such choices! Especially when both are NTs. I'm not very good at making decisions that involve their feelings. More often than not, I end up in hot water with all involved, no matter what I choose. In this case, I got lucky. My friend was under some pressure from his wife to stay home today as well, so I let him off the hook.




This was very helpful. I believe it's how I will think of social dealings in the future, as "contracts". Add this to Angela's lesson in the importance of whose mistake caused the problem, and I now have a good method for analysing future incidents. Brilliant!




Oh, how true this is! That's a perfect description. My social world often feels more like a video game than reality. I'm lousy at video games. They make me nervous.




Thank you for bringing your special gentleness to my dilemma, Warmheart. While other posts appealed very helpfully to my logic, yours brought my heart back into the equation. I thank you for your compliments, as well. I'm trying very hard to do the right things in this relationship. It's my first true and balanced romantic experience, so I need to have both my head and my heart fully engaged. It's not an easy thing to learn to do.

I'm glad you decided to keep your Sweetie happy. I'm sure you won't regret it.

 

[Cecile]

Interesting thread indeed. I'm an NT, but although I would have been disappointed, I would have wanted you to keep your plans with the friend. I would have sincerely been ok hearing you telling me that you are sorry and you do care, and knowing that in a few days we get to spend quality time together. Hey, I might actually be low maintenance as I thought I was, even for some Aspies/even though the Aspie I dated couldn't appreciate it (and the relationship led me to doubt myself way too much).

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

I explained my logic to Adam, and he was understanding, but he mentioned that he was really looking forward to being home with me these two days. He seems a bit upset that I'm not wanting to cancel for him. I think he feels I haven't missed him enough. I have, but as I said, I'm going to see plenty of him very soon. I get the feeling that my Aspie logic is making me seem cold to him.

Funny how this resonates so closely with my own logic (as a apsie diagnosis in process guy). Normally you'd expect what he said to perhaps come from an NT woman (I got that from an aspie ex gf though having said that) but for me personally I'd say that it's fine unless you notice any gradual change in behavior in the meantime to imply otherwise (in which case your acknowledgement of this triggers you to change your plans for him) otherwise you can make it up to him and hopefully assure him and yourself that it won't happen again and thus won't have the chance to be an issue, especially not amongst the other nice things you'll do for and with eachother in the grand scheme of things.

You didn't seem cold either, sometimes it's the frustration of having conflicting interests coinciding on the same day. Perhaps you should keep these dates noted omn a phone calendar to prevent a recurrence (good future assurance for both him and you).

 

[Nadador]

Interesting thread indeed. I'm an NT, but although I would have been disappointed, I would have wanted you to keep your plans with the friend. I would have sincerely been ok hearing you telling me that you are sorry and you do care, and knowing that in a few days we get to spend quality time together. Hey, I might actually be low maintenance as I thought I was, even for some Aspies/even though the Aspie I dated couldn't appreciate it (and the relationship led me to doubt myself way too much).

When I told Adam I would indeed cancel, he did say he was more understanding than he was disappointed, and told me he wouldn't be angry if I did go. It actually made it easier for me to stay home. If he had merely said, "Good, it's about you came round to my feelings," I would have resented him.

It's hard for me to tell, as an Aspie, how high- or low-maintenance I truly am. Your own confusion doesn't surprise me. I need a lot of accommodation, but that's about my neurology, not my personality. So I'm not sure if that counts as "high-maintenance" in the way most NTs use the term. They seem to be speaking more of insecurities, and needs of the ego. What another Aspie might think of me, had I an Aspie partner, I'm really not sure.

Welcome to AC, by the way. Good to know you, Cecile.

Funny how this resonates so closely with my own logic (as a apsie diagnosis in process guy). Normally you'd expect what he said to perhaps come from an NT woman (I got that from an aspie ex gf though having said that) but for me personally I'd say that it's fine unless you notice any gradual change in behavior in the meantime to imply otherwise (in which case your acknowledgement of this triggers you to change your plans for him) otherwise you can make it up to him and hopefully assure him and yourself that it won't happen again and thus won't have the chance to be an issue, especially not amongst the other nice things you'll do for and with eachother in the grand scheme of things.

You didn't seem cold either, sometimes it's the frustration of having conflicting interests coinciding on the same day. Perhaps you should keep these dates noted omn a phone calendar to prevent a recurrence (good future assurance for both him and you).

Welcome to you, too, Not-at-all-Hopeless Aspie Guy. Why do you call yourself "hopeless"? From what I've seen of your posts so far, you come across as pleasant, bright fellow.

My partner is a bit on the feminine side, actually. Not "effeminate" in the sense of many gay men. Just very gentle and intuitive. But anyway, You're right in that I should do something to better organise myself, so this sort of foul-up can't happen again. Our schedules are madness, much of the time, and are asking for better management. This may finally get me to do something about it.

A trait of older age is calcification of the personality. I've always been stubborn, and don't like to change much to accommodate others. It's only gotten worse over many years of bachelorhood, but in a new relationship, this just doesn't fly. I'm learning to choose my battles. This one was easy enough to forfeit for the sake of harmony. Perhaps later on, I'll need Adam to owe me a favour. Now I've got an IOU in my pocket.