Aspie logic complicating a situation with a partner

[Grumpy Cat]

When I told Adam I would indeed cancel, he did say he was more understanding than he was disappointed, and told me he wouldn't be angry if I did go.

I would have been the same and said it was ok for you to go. He just wanted to know that you would pick him first. But, like I had said before it would have greatly mattered that you would have righted the boo boo. I'm big on admitting when I am wrong and I'll go out of my way to correct it. (I'd expect the same from my "hunny", if I ever find a "hunny", that is - Waldo just doesn't care about that kinda stuff.)

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Welcome to you, too, Not-at-all-Hopeless Aspie Guy. Why do you call yourself "hopeless"? From what I've seen of your posts so far, you come across as pleasant, bright fellow.I'll need Adam

'Hopeless' is largely in reference to my poor standing with relationships i.e making new friends but especially the never-ending and sometimes pointless ongoing struggle of trying to get a girlfriend through the only means that I can (online dating) without which I'd be eternally screwed (intelligence seldom goes hand in hand with NT level social etiquette/skills, which could be my failing).

I quoted the other snippet because I'm 'Adam' and it's always nice to think I could be that someone who someone writes a forum post for because they care like you do.

 

[Ste11aeres]

My partner is a bit on the feminine side, actually. Not "effeminate" in the sense of many gay men. Just very gentle and intuitive.

My male best friend is like that. Though I don't know if it is really being feminine, or if it is just being like what people think feminine is. Much of my experience has told me that some men are very intuitive, and, sadly, many women are not actually gentle. I consider my friend very masculine, but in recent years I have come to associate masculinity with a peculiar combination of both strength and gentleness. At least that's what it is in his case.

 

[Nadador]

'Hopeless' is largely in reference to my poor standing with relationships i.e making new friends but especially the never-ending and sometimes pointless ongoing struggle of trying to get a girlfriend through the only means that I can (online dating) without which I'd be eternally screwed (intelligence seldom goes hand in hand with NT level social etiquette/skills, which could be my failing).

Thanks for the compliment. The good news about being an intelligent person in want of a girlfriend is that there are plenty of intelligent girls who are free...you only have to find them. Women really get the short end of the stick if they're intelligent, as so many men are insecure, and find them intimidating, or else adhere too closely to the popular standard of what makes a woman attractive. I have an idea for you...test into Mensa. Their forums are crawling with bright, eligible young ladies.

My male best friend is like that. Though I don't know if it is really being feminine, or if it is just being like what people think feminine is. Much of my experience has told me that some men are very intuitive, and, sadly, many women are not actually gentle. I consider my friend very masculine, but in recent years I have come to associate masculinity with a peculiar combination of both strength and gentleness. At least that's what it is in his case.

Good points. I suppose I'm thinking in terms of classical ideals, not reality. It's good to hear of people who've come around to finding gentleness compatible with manliness. By my appearance, people expect me to act quite ruggedly, and I'm just not that type inside. I go as far as never wearing clothes that remind too much of "macho" men, to offset my looks. There's no plaid flannel or jeans in my wardrobe. I do own a leather jacket...but it's very soft.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

The good news about being an intelligent person in want of a girlfriend is that there are plenty of intelligent girls who are free...you only have to find them. idea for you...test into Mensa. Their forums are crawling with bright, eligible young ladies

My intelligence certainly doesn't seem so much to be an academic one (which presumably rules mensa out) but if women value all kinds of intelligence then that'd put me in good standing. I think perhaps with more posts in NT and aspie forums of variouse kinds, maybe I'll be in better standing in time for my next birthday lol. I'm just compilling a list of questions that'll probably take me that long to ask and wait for a decent variety of answers for. Any aspie who found love easily or didn't settle for someone below their desire is darn lucky.

 

[Nadador]

My intelligence certainly doesn't seem so much to be an academic one (which presumably rules mensa out) but if women value all kinds of intelligence then that'd put me in good standing. I think perhaps with more posts in NT and aspie forums of variouse kinds, maybe I'll be in better standing in time for my next birthday lol. I'm just compilling a list of questions that'll probably take me that long to ask and wait for a decent variety of answers for. Any aspie who found love easily or didn't settle for someone below their desire is darn lucky.

My love life was an utter disaster till my current partner approached me, nearly out of the blue [long story, that]. Turns out, he's a perfect fit, though I can't take even a lick of credit for seeing that at the outset. I was simply open to convincing, partly because I was so ready to have a companion. Your match is out there. At least you're being proactive, to up your odds.

Just as an FYI, IQ tests that would qualify you for Mensa aren't "academic". You'd be tested almost entirely on verbal intelligence, pattern recognition, logical reasoning, spatial reasoning, visual and perceptual skills, and classification skills. There's a touch of math, but not exactly of the sort one learns in school. You only have to rate in the 98th percentile to join Mensa. That's 1 in every 50 people. Not so intimidating when you look at it that way.

 

[Cecile]

It's hard for me to tell, as an Aspie, how high- or low-maintenance I truly am. Your own confusion doesn't surprise me. I need a lot of accommodation, but that's about my neurology, not my personality. So I'm not sure if that counts as "high-maintenance" in the way most NTs use the term. They seem to be speaking more of insecurities, and needs of the ego. What another Aspie might think of me, had I an Aspie partner, I'm really not sure.

Welcome to AC, by the way. Good to know you, Cecile.

Thanks for the welcome, Nadador, nice to meet you too. What is low-maintenance to some isn't to others, of that I am quite certain. And with the diversity among Aspies (as well as among NTs), it most likely aplies to NT-NT and Aspie-Aspie relationships too. If we are taking the term in its NT meaning (ego/insecurities, etc.), I really am lower-maintenance than the average NT woman, to such an extent that NT males find me a bit abnormal, not passionate/sentimental enough, etc. From what I read on here, it seems like a fair share of Aspies would say that overall, I am not very demanding for an NT. To be fair to my ex-partner, he did say in the end that he knew pretty much anyone in my place would have been less accomodating/asking for a lot more, and that he did appreciate that. But he added it didn't change the fact that he couldn't "give enough" **.

** Additional Optional rambling -- feel free to skip ;-) :
The "enough" in question for me would have been saying at least "something" about his needs to help me adjust, and at least wanting to see if something could help us work around his sensory issues so there could be some sort of physical contact every now and then. But although he said he wasn't rejecting the idea, after the first few dates (when he was "able" to be affectionate/sexual), he would just make sure we would never touch in any way, except for a kiss on the lips on his arrival and departure. As for expressing his needs, the only thing he had clearly said was about alone time. On most weeks, he could barely tolerate my presence for 3 hours, even though all we did was eat something I had made/according to his tastes, sit and talk/not too much, listen to music or a video that he was ok with/in a setting that he was comfortable with lighting-wise and temperature-wise... or take a short walk in a quiet part of the city he enjoyed... or go to an event he had planned to go anyway and decided I could tag along. I had even told him that since I was not "demanding of his time", he should take advantage of that and not "push himself" too much (which he would do for other reasons, and would take a toll on him). Of course I am not perfect and I have insecurities. They showed when he would make a joke that referred to the "distance" between us, which would have an hurtful effect on me as if he was mocking me while I was putting all these effort and getting no guidance from him... My insecurities also showed when I couldn't get a answer about his needs and the required adjustments. It felt like he didn't even care enough to spare a few words on me. I know that in some cases, he didn't say anything because he was conflicted between his need and the fact that "no one (NT) would have asked/said that", so he didn't feel entitled to... but as I wanted nothing more than to adjust, the silence was very frustrating for me.

The more I read on here, the more it seems like many Aspies would have been able to "give enough" (indications for adjustments) in those situations. But as I mentioned in another thread, my ex was in denial about Asperger's, which probably didn't help much and certainly deprived him of valuable information and insights from other Aspies. Having said all that, I don't resent him, he did put some effort in other ways and was capable of showing attention where other Aspies might not have been. It just was very difficult, for him too in a way, and very frustrating because it felt like just a few words would have made all the difference in the world. (I am sorry that all turned out quite lenghty. As I also said in another post, him and I are involved in community organisations and such, so we are still in contact... which makes the "getting over it and moving on" much more challenging than it could be, especially these days.)

 

[Nadador]

But he added it didn't change the fact that he couldn't "give enough" **. The "enough" in question for me would have been saying at least "something" about his needs to help me adjust, and at least wanting to see if something could help us work around his sensory issues so there could be some sort of physical contact every now and then.

(edit)...But as I mentioned in another thread, my ex was in denial about Asperger's,

If your ex was in denial about his AS, then it really was a no-win situation for you. You know this next bit, of course, but he would have had to embrace his Asperger's, and go through the process to wrap his head around it, before he could have been able to help you work with him.

From what you've written, most everything was flowing in one direction in your relationship. Regardless of why, or how high- or low-maintenance you may be, that couldn't have been healthy for you. I just hope you can get to a point where having contact with him for other purposes no longer hinders your moving on, in any respect. I still see my first boyfriend on occasion, in working situations. Though we parted amicably, the sight of him still reminds me of of our time together, both good and bad. The good news is, over time, those thoughts have become just thoughts, with no emotional weight anymore. It's not so bad once you get to that stage. I can actually enjoy him again, in another context better suited to both of us.