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Aspie BF and staring

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Koala79

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Hi everyone, I’m new to the forum and looking for some advice.

I started dating my boyfriend a year ago. He’s high functioning austistic and in his 40’s. He’s my world, and he makes me feel like I am his. He is the sweetest and most attentive man I could have wished for. I am his first ever girlfriend, he was very sexually inexperienced when we met.

The problem I’m currently having is that when we go out he is staring at teenage girls. I’m gutted, i want to believe it’s innocent but how can it be?! Could it be explained by asbergers or am I being naive?
 
Well, maybe. Either he's legitimately interested in them (unlikely), or he's staring off due to boredom, tiredness or another reason (very likely). Who knows what he could be thinking of. Maybe ask him to get some clarity? :)
 
My guess - and this is just a guess - is if he never got any in high school or through his twenties and thirties then his sexual impulses are severely retarded for his age. His being with you has started (a very late) development, so his sexual brain is kinda starting from scratch. Of course, if he never experienced any high school or college chicks, he's going to be curious and this age range will appeal to newly awakened parts of his brain.

Speaking from my own experience women find me grateful and trustworthy, so I've seen a lot of boobs and (when I was that age) dated high school and twenty-something women. Now that I'm almost forty I can't stand the thought of being with a woman that young because they are too energetic, impulsive, and self-conscious. But, I had to develop that attitude over years of experience...something your BF doesn't have.

Since you are neurotypical (I assume) then you are well trained in social etiquette around old dudes fawning over young women and what this behavior looks like to others. You may have experienced this attention yourself. He is likely clueless to all of this and you need to have a heart-to-heart about how it makes him look and how it makes you feel when he does this. If he's not trying to hide it then he's probably not trying to get away with anything.

Remember, your definition of "innocent" is going to come from lots of experience and a healthy bond with socially prescribed morality. He's probably missing a lot of information you consider basic and obvious. He is likely acting innocent enough for his immature sexual brain.
 
Hi everyone, I’m new to the forum and looking for some advice.

I started dating my boyfriend a year ago. He’s high functioning austistic and in his 40’s. He’s my world, and he makes me feel like I am his. He is the sweetest and most attentive man I could have wished for. I am his first ever girlfriend, he was very sexually inexperienced when we met.

The problem I’m currently having is that when we go out he is staring at teenage girls. I’m gutted, i want to believe it’s innocent but how can it be?! Could it be explained by asbergers or am I being naive?
Well, does he stare in a leering, degrading, and lustful way? Does he make comments about them, or compare you to them?

When I was a teenager in high school, obviously I was shy and inexperienced in any way with girls, especially girls who struck my fancy. I just liked how they looked. Your boyfriend hopefully knows that anything with minors equals jail, but perhaps...well, I don't want to speculate what's on his mind because I don't know his mind.

I suggest you ask him while saying that what he does is hurting you--especially keeping in mind the questions which I wrote out earlier. I will say that once I was prone to writing out ideas and fantasies concerning girls and my then-current girlfriend discovered this but we talked about it. Escapism is real and something hard for us to deal with. I digress.
 
Thank you so much for your insightful replies.

I wouldn’t describe it as leering as such, it’s more of a prolonged stare (sometimes with smiling) that extends beyond what would be considered polite. One one occasion he stopped mid sentence to stare at a girl walking past with her midriff showing. She can’t have been more than 15 or 16. I mean he was so distracted he couldn’t remember what he was saying. We were in company and it was so embarrassing. He’s never made any comments or compared me to them. On the whole he makes me feel very attractive.

I suppose what’s bothering me than anything is the age of the girls. I’ve not seen him stare at good looking women his own age. Difficult to know what to make of it all really and difficult to broach without looking like I’m accusing him of something awful.
 
Thank you so much for your insightful replies.

I wouldn’t describe it as leering as such, it’s more of a prolonged stare (sometimes with smiling) that extends beyond what would be considered polite. One one occasion he stopped mid sentence to stare at a girl walking past with her midriff showing. She can’t have been more than 15 or 16. I mean he was so distracted he couldn’t remember what he was saying. We were in company and it was so embarrassing. He’s never made any comments or compared me to them. On the whole he makes me feel very attractive.

I suppose what’s bothering me than anything is the age of the girls. I’ve not seen him stare at good looking women his own age. Difficult to know what to make of it all really and difficult to broach without looking like I’m accusing him of something awful.
Uhm...yes, your above example does really sound awkward and very inappropriate. I too am bothered by the age of the girls here; I'm agreeing with someone else in the thread who stated he may have just never received attention from girls his age while in high school. I don't know how the problem can be solved but I trust that if you both work on it together, it can be solved.

Occupational therapy, or therapy in general maybe? does anyone recommend this?
 
My guess - and this is just a guess - is if he never got any in high school or through his twenties and thirties then his sexual impulses are severely retarded for his age. His being with you has started (a very late) development, so his sexual brain is kinda starting from scratch. Of course, if he never experienced any high school or college chicks, he's going to be curious and this age range will appeal to newly awakened parts of his brain.

Speaking from my own experience women find me grateful and trustworthy, so I've seen a lot of boobs and (when I was that age) dated high school and twenty-something women. Now that I'm almost forty I can't stand the thought of being with a woman that young because they are too energetic, impulsive, and self-conscious. But, I had to develop that attitude over years of experience...something your BF doesn't have.

Since you are neurotypical (I assume) then you are well trained in social etiquette around old dudes fawning over young women and what this behavior looks like to others. You may have experienced this attention yourself. He is likely clueless to all of this and you need to have a heart-to-heart about how it makes him look and how it makes you feel when he does this. If he's not trying to hide it then he's probably not trying to get away with anything.

Remember, your definition of "innocent" is going to come from lots of experience and a healthy bond with socially prescribed morality. He's probably missing a lot of information you consider basic and obvious. He is likely acting innocent enough for his immature sexual brain.
Well said; I agree with you very much. All your words make absolute sense.
 
Uhm...yes, your above example does really sound awkward and very inappropriate. I too am bothered by the age of the girls here; I'm agreeing with someone else in the thread who stated he may have just never received attention from girls his age while in high school. I don't know how the problem can be solved but I trust that if you both work on it together, it can be solved.

Occupational therapy, or therapy in general maybe? does anyone recommend this?
Thank you for your words of encouragement, I really hope it can be solved.

To clarify I am NT. One of the big problems ive had in this relationship is getting my bf to articulate things. If I broach the staring subject tonight I’m expecting him to get upset and confused. He will be unable to offer an explanation and then when I try to ask questions he will probably say he doesn’t know and get more upset. Is this typical for ASD?
 
Thank you for your words of encouragement, I really hope it can be solved.

To clarify I am NT. One of the big problems ive had in this relationship is getting my bf to articulate things. If I broach the staring subject tonight I’m expecting him to get upset and confused. He will be unable to offer an explanation and then when I try to ask questions he will probably say he doesn’t know and get more upset. Is this typical for ASD?
You're welcome!

Hmm...that's a good question. With myself and the conflicts I've shared with my fiancee, I can recognize some of that. Typically it takes me a while to articulate everything that I think about the issue at hand, including explaining my viewpoint and how I think that way and why. It's true that he may get upset and confused--but as difficult as it might be to remain calm and level-headed and patient with him (from what I glean, you seem to be a very patient and understanding person thus far), you must be so. The amount of patience my partner has had for me over the years is astounding but also taxing.

Be patient with his response; state what he does 'I notice that you do xyz and it makes me feel xyz. Are you aware that you're doing it?' Try not to say things in an accusatory manner or throw insults, as this might make him less trustworthy of your reactions (maybe I'm not phrasing this right?). I know that with my partner, often I've omitted things or not well explained things out of fear of hurting them--not out of the intent to hurt them, or worry them.

Just to throw this out here--the fact that you're coming here and inquiring and being curious and open-minded means a lot. He's real lucky to have you.
 
The problem I’m currently having is that when we go out he is staring at teenage girls. I’m gutted, i want to believe it’s innocent but how can it be?! Could it be explained by asbergers or am I being naive?
Why don’t you ask him?

Also consider if it really is just teenage girls, or does he tend to stare at a lot of things? Some things are fascinating and I look at them for a long time, trying to figure them out. Teenage girls can be an enigma and difficult to figure out.

You really have to ask him though.
 
I’m going to ask him tonight.

No he doesn’t stare at a lot of things. He does however have a fixation with long hair on women - he finds it extremely attractive and these girls did have long hair (so do I) so it could have been the hair that caught his attention. I don’t know if that’s makes it any better or not :-(

Thanks for all the advice people
 
Just to throw this out here--the fact that you're coming here and inquiring and being curious and open-minded means a lot. He's real lucky to have you.
Thanks for your kind words. He’s such a wonderful bf in every other way, I don’t want the relationship to end because of my own ignorance
 
Personally, I don't think asking him about it is likely to be much help. In a sense it is quite likely he doesn't really know that he is doing this, so won't be able to answer why he does. And if he does know he's doing it, more than likely he'll be defensive if you challenge him on the subject - which is not the best place to be to deal with it.

I say this because I have found myself doing the same sort of thing sometimes, and it means nothing but that there's an instinctive reaction to someone, not an actual thinking one. I've learnt to consciously stop myself.

I suggest that you simply interrupt him when he does this again, with a friendly (meaning not antagonistic or confrontational) comment that staring at young girls is not considered a socially acceptable thing to do. I know that for me, as an Aspie, I'd be receptive to know I was not conforming to proper rules.
 
Nt people stare all the time at each other but they seem to do it differently, by looking into each others eyes quick and smiling properly at the right time, or sending non verbal cues to each other through body language

I see Men ,and women of all ages doing this to each other . Personally I find it annoying. Because who knows what they are communicating about .

He maybe doing the same . But does not and will not have the proper skills to line up the proper facial expressions all the time . And especially the proper body language . You may be interpreting him incorrectly. His facial expressions and body language
will not always line up correctly with what he is thinking about.

Put him in a room full of autistic people staring at certain details of someone’s face or clothes or their surroundings . I don’t think I would find it weird . I see details and patterns in everything even on people and I don’t realize I am staring until being told .I have been told you are staring right through me .
I reply yes I am I did not even notice there is a person in the clothes .

I also can spot a squirrel anywhere and I may stare at it . Yet I have never had a squirrel tell me I am threatening or perverted for looking at them .

Teenage boys and girls look at older people all the time too .but they have the proper body language and facial expressions to make it seem non threatening.

It is very common for autistic men and boys to be punished ,chastised because we can be lost in thought .
It may have nothing to do with what we are looking at . It may not be in a sexual manner at all . It’s just odd that because we lack what NTs have in this regard automatically it is assumed we are creeps .

This is a major problem I have noticed pertaining to autistic men and boys .
 
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I have had a problem with staring at people. Generally it's been women who I find to be captivating, ravishing or something about them that's unique and beautiful. I must have been taught at a young age that staring isn't socially acceptable because I've always been aware enough to know that it wouldn't be "ok" for me to stare even when I've had strong desires to do so. So by "problem" for me, it's been the desire to stare more than actually carrying through with it. This was something that was stronger in my younger years.

I must also say that my desire to stare at certain women wasn't coming from a lurid sexual place. Sexual attraction played a small part, but most of my interest (ie desire to stare) was not of a sexual nature. Beauty, uniqueness and capturing one's attention can happen from people as well as many other things in this world.
 
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Hi everyone, I’m new to the forum and looking for some advice.

I started dating my boyfriend a year ago. He’s high functioning austistic and in his 40’s. He’s my world, and he makes me feel like I am his. He is the sweetest and most attentive man I could have wished for. I am his first ever girlfriend, he was very sexually inexperienced when we met.

The problem I’m currently having is that when we go out he is staring at teenage girls. I’m gutted, i want to believe it’s innocent but how can it be?! Could it be explained by asbergers or am I being naive?

I suffered from this condition for many years. When I say that, I literally got kicked out of a gym. I was confused because, in my mind, I was looking at everyone the same way, but it was the females that got a bit uncomfortable with it. I also had issues at work because if I saw someone I was acquainted with from down a long hallway, for example, I would look at their face continuously, waiting for them to make eye contact, then I would greet them. BUT, what would happen is that just when I would think they would look at me, there would be eye aversion from them. For years, I was confused and frankly a bit disturbed by the behavior. WTF was going on here?

I later took a course on non-verbal communication. There was a moment in there, a few statements only, where the instructor mentioned this social eye aversion. Well, unbeknownst to me, just like in the animal kingdom, there are are times when eye contact is actually a sign of aggression, and at the very least, people can get a bit "creeped-out" by it. What is supposed to happen, in my example above, was as myself and the other person where walking closer to each other we keep our eyes to ourselves, then at the very last moment, look up, meet eyes, then greet each other, then eye avert again. So, that's what I do now and people are SO MUCH more friendly with me. It took me 40+ years, but I understand it now. So, the same thing in the gym. Keep your eyes to yourself, and if you are meaning to engage in conversation, make the eye contact quick and non-threatening, and sure enough, all is well.

In your example with teenage girls, I honestly think that he is a heterosexual guy who sees beauty in the female form and loves to look at it. BUT, as an autistic person, you might not understand that "friendly eye contact" is either going to "creep out" the other person, or make you a bit upset. This is social naivity, not on your part, but his. I am sure if you mention what I just said, he would be absolutely mortified with himself. I am sure there was no "intent" other than a misunderstanding of "social graces".
 
The problem I’m currently having is that when we go out he is staring at teenage girls. I’m gutted, i want to believe it’s innocent but how can it be?! Could it be explained by asbergers or am I being naive?

This is not necessarily related to Autism/Aspergers. Autism is not a personality.

I would recommend that you have an open discussion with him and express your discomfort.
 
It seems he may be a bit slow at processing things sometimes, and Koala79 you sense this. Most of us agree that you should bring this up -regardless of the emotional consequences. However, another thing you can consider is to type out your thoughts and then express yourself and hand him a piece of paper. Offer him some time to think about this and respond to you.

I think this would be a good approach in your situation.
 
This is not necessarily related to Autism/Aspergers.
This is certainly true!

It seems he may be a bit slow at processing things sometimes, and Koala79 you sense this. Most of us agree that you should bring this up -regardless of the emotional consequences. However, another thing you can consider is to type out your thoughts and then express yourself and hand him a piece of paper. Offer him some time to think about this and respond to you.

I think this would be a good approach in your situation.
The key to dealing with this is, I think, to keep it low key and minimize the issue. If he's doing it on purpose, being called out for it will be antagonistic and could be damaging. If he's not, then a 'quiet word' seems far more respectful and non-confrontational.

But it is certainly true that he could be processing slowly - it is an Aspie characteristic for many.
 
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