Aspie BF and staring

[1ForAll]

There was also another thread that largely dealt with the staring issue, so I posted that link below too.

boyfriend broke up with me but instantly regretted it, i accepted him back how do i heal?

Hello everyone. I am not on the spectrum, my boyfriend is, so i hope it is okay to post here and ask for some insight and advice. i don’t know if this has any importance but my boyfriend has ASD, ADHD and OCD. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and we’ve always had good...

www.autismforums.com

 

[Rodafina]

So it’s definitely a double standard here for men versus women. I get caught up in staring for the same reasons many of you have highlighted. Watching people intently was how I learned to socialize as a young girl. You guys know how we chameleons do it… Watch and imitate.

But, I will never get in trouble for staring at young women as a heterosexual female. It’s just allowed, whereas for guys, it is often immediately considered skeevy behavior. I always want to protect the dignity of young women, but this does seem unfair to men.

I think if I was staring at teenage boys, most people would assume I was concerned in a maternal way, and not a predatory one. Women are more often given the benefit of the doubt in these situations, I think.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Um.. he's staring at teenage girls. That's a red flag.

He likes children.

 

[paloftoon]

This is certainly true!


The key to dealing with this is, I think, to keep it low key and minimize the issue. If he's doing it on purpose, being called out for it will be antagonistic and could be damaging. If he's not, then a 'quiet word' seems far more respectful and non-confrontational.

But it is certainly true that he could be processing slowly - it is an Aspie characteristic for many.

One part I might disagree with is that if you know he's doing something on purpose, then being more antagonistic and confrontational could be the way to go. It would probably mean a break up, but it would also mean that you're demanding to be respected too. @Koala79 , you know the context better than anyone else since you're the one experiencing all of this. In the end, the decisions are yours. We hope this thread has been helpful!

 

[AO1501]

One part I might disagree with is that if you know he's doing something on purpose, then being more antagonistic and confrontational could be the way to go. It would probably mean a break up, but it would also mean that you're demanding to be respected too. @Koala79 , you know the context better than anyone else since you're the one experiencing all of this. In the end, the decisions are yours. We hope this thread has been helpful!

I'm not disagreeing, just that it can be very difficult to tell with certainty that he is doing this 'on purpose', in the way it is implied he is attracted to these girls and women.

Calling him out in way that comes over as antagonistic for doing something he may not even really be aware he is doing... well, I don't see that as reasonable.

To put it another way, I find shape fascinating, in the sense that the math of shapes calculate down to formulas and numbers which explain how all the things around us fit and function. I would see human shape as part of that as much as anything else, and would appreciate my wife nudging me to tell me not to stare at a woman if it appeared I was doing so, rather than being accused of oggling one, which to my knowledge, I never have.

You're right that @Koala79 is the only one who could hope to know what his behaviors are, but assuming she's not an Aspie, she may have very little way to judge what his motives are - and as we know, NTs are apt to judge on impressions, not fact.

Just suggesting this guy is given the opportunity to correct unintended behaviors. If given the chance and he doesn't take it, then @Yeshuasdaughter is right - there's quite possibly a rather more serious potential problem here.

 

[foliodoe]

Well, maybe. Either he's legitimately interested in them (unlikely), or he's staring off due to boredom, tiredness or another reason (very likely). Who knows what he could be thinking of. Maybe ask him to get some clarity?

Why do you think it's unlikely? It seems pretty likely to me, given what we know about the situation. And if asked, I wouldn't expect a straight man to give a straight answer to such a question lol

 

[foliodoe]

I honestly think that he is a heterosexual guy who sees beauty in the female form and loves to look at it.

What your describing in this context isn't acceptable. Underage girls in public do not constitute an appropriate outlet for appreciating "beauty in the female form," it's repugnant behaviour.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

What your describing in this context isn't acceptable. Underage girls in public do not constitute an appropriate outlet for appreciating "beauty in the female form," it's repugnant behaviour.

Of course. I understand what you are saying here. My language was not as accurate as it should have been. It really wasn't specific as to what she meant by "teenage girls" as there is a huge difference between a typical 14yr old and a typical 19yr old, but not a lot of difference between a typical 19yr old and a 26yr old in terms of physical development. The point here is that, in his mind, he may have been simply admiring a "young woman" as opposed to being a "creepy pedophile" predator. She caught him looking, which is totally different than interacting. I don't know the guy, so, at this point I am simply giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Why do you think it's unlikely? It seems pretty likely to me, given what we know about the situation. And if asked, I wouldn't expect a straight man to give a straight answer to such a questio

Of course. I understand what you are saying here. My language was not as accurate as it should have been. It really wasn't specific as to what she meant by "teenage girls" as there is a huge difference between a typical 14yr old and a typical 19yr old, but not a lot of difference between a typical 19yr old and a 26yr old in terms of physical development. The point here is that, in his mind, he may have been simply admiring a "young woman" as opposed to being a "creepy pedophile" predator. She caught him looking, which is totally different than interacting. I don't know the guy, so, at this point I am simply giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I agree ....... I suppose that's the whole reason why people cheat in the first place. But this guy might not be cheating.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Why do you think it's unlikely? It seems pretty likely to me, given what we know about the situation. And if asked, I wouldn't expect a straight man to give a straight answer to such a question lol

It's unfortunate that this has been your experience. I might propose an alternate situation. Given my personal experience, as well as, being an active member here on the forums, I can say for certain that there can be quite a bit of social naivity in many situations. Sometimes we engage in certain types of non-verbal communication without a full understanding of how others may interpret it, and we often struggle with interpreting it ourselves. One person's "inappropriate" eye contact may simply be social ignorance. It happened to me, as described above.

I've been with the same woman for over 38 years, married over 36. She is NT and I have Asperger's/ASD-1. My wife and I look at other people and don't have an issue with it at all. We are human beings and understand human nature. There is a big difference between "looking" and actually "looking" for another mate, so it would be an error in thinking one automatically leads to the other. We trust each other implicitly as we've had zero reason to question each other. We don't have this jealousy and nor "controlling behavior" thing going on. We can be brutally honest with each other and without secrets.

Perhaps that's a rare thing. I hope it's not. However, I do know that some folks really struggle with being honest with each other. I can't imagine.

 

[330]

I may have taken this thread personally.

When I was a child I got in lots of trouble for staring at things and I explained why in my other post .I got hit by teachers and adults, screamed at .
So eventually I learned by punishment it is safer for me to not even look at things on people .
But that created another mess, because I got the same treatment for not looking at them In the eye.
It was very confusing. Everything in the NT world seems contradictory most of the time .

This is because of my Autism I was punished for not looking at people correctly with the NT design .

Lots of ASD2 men on here may have had similar experiences.

But due to this now I am hyper aware if anybody looks at me now It does not matter if they are a child or adult .
I will simply ask them why are you looking at me . And they are offended. Every one looking at me is a threat that is what I learned from the situation.

I also now avoid looking at people at all when I am in public . It’s safer actually for me this way.And honestly buildings,nature, mechanical things are more interesting compared to people.
There is no threat being perceived if I notice patterns in things that are not people
Even while I am looking at patterns in the floors and sidewalks ,out of the corner of my eye I notice NT people of all ages looking at each other all the time smiling etc. Hypocrites. Even teenage girls or boys have looked at me and I have asked them why ?


But for goodness sake. Not identifying social constructs, rules ,
Cues , body language etc ,etc, etc .
Is part of autism. Why would his girlfriend post about it here ?

Because he is autistic .

My only solution to make you feel comfortable tell him he is not permitted to look at teenage girls in anyway .

Be direct explain to him with Logic !
That this is not being perceived as normal from a Neurotypical perspective.And be prepared to explain logically why.

Also it is common for Autistic males social intelligence is that of a 12 year old boy .

Logical intelligence could be that of a 70 year old professor.

This is the case with me .

Not holding these variables into account in this situation and automatically assuming one is a creep ,To me is very strange.

Meanwhile real psychopaths are out there who have all the acceptable social graces correct body language etc and can trick anybody while doing real harm to children.Probably even autistic children .

Good luck.

 

[Rodafina]

I think the last several posts illustrate why it is important for OP to get more information from the source. She has come here and shared with us only a tiny glimpse of what is going on.

OP, there are so many different explanations for this behavior, from completely innocent to confused to predatory. The behavior itself means nothing without context and understanding.

It is really important to get your boyfriend’s perspective, not necessarily confronting him, but using your full knowledge of him and his knowledge of himself before you make allegations that he is doing something gross or predatory.

 

[Koala79]

Morning everyone, huge thank you to everyone who replied to my post. Ive found it reassuring. I’ve taken on board what everyone has said and decided to broach the subject gently if/when it happens it again, keeping it low key.

Thanks again

 

[Mr. Stevens]

To add to this, I believe women look at men just as much. And men can look at men, as women look at women. If some men focus more on the superficial, and not character, this is a failing. It's a choice to honor impulse and not reflection.

Yes, if someone is sexually capable, then they can physically attract others. The real question is: what kind of person doesn't see a whole individual, who is also young, inexperienced, and probably scared? What kind of person just sees a body?

Hopefully this is not the view of the person in the original post. I just don't think we should focus on men as more visual, more sexual, more physical, etc. It helps no one. If men can work jobs and drive cars, they can control their sex lives.