Aspergers guy has withdrawn. Advice ?

[sam_pling]

Hi, I have been dating a guy who told me that he is on the spectrum. He's 48, a high achiever and yes, has a number of foibles and quirks.

Since we met, we have been primarily long distance as I live in the Middle East and although his work brought him regularly to this region, his home is the USA.

Through my friends he has got a permanent job here and is moving here in 10 days. His job is the USA became intermittent and he was furloughed, which at 48, he was looking at being out of work for the first time ever. Until now, I have supported him all the way. When he's become overwhelmed, I've prioritised things for him to help him focus.

I haven't put any relationship pressure on him but it's been hard not to fall as he has done the chasing, flying half way round the world to see me. Came to my birthday unexpectedly a few weeks ago.

Now I am not speaking to him.

Thursday just gone, he wanted to take me shopping to show his appreciation for everything I have done to help him to date. I want to clarify that I'd do that for anyone and I wasn't helping him to get a boyfriend. I was simply in the right place to. He's a pilot and I work in Aerospace too.

After showering me with gifts, we were back at his hotel when he suddenly announced (in bed) that he couldn't be my boyfriend but still wanted me to be the friend that has been helping him. This after showering me with affection too.

I left him in the hotel room. He was struggling to get to a point and becoming jumbled. I knew it wasn't right for him to see me upset. He did say that he was doing it now as he didn't want to hurt me in the future.

He does struggle getting to thr point. He sent me an email a few weeks ago that started pretty much declaring total adoration and then went completely garbled and less positive.

I have asked him to leave me alone as I need to process for a few days and we were clearly more than friends.

Yesterday I heard from him. I had a big day. "Good luck and I know you will crush them, despite everything"

With the move, him joining an airline and so much going on in his life, I know he will be overwhelmed. I don't want to make it worse but I want to try and support him too but not fully at the sacrifice of my own needs.

Should I just leave him alone and accept that it's over for now?

Sorry for the long email. I'm confused and don't want to let him go if I can help it but don't want to push him into a corner either. I'm also prepared to just not contact him at all and start to move on.

 

[Ereth]

Hi, Sam.

Unfortunately, I can't really tell you what you should do. I don't know this person, and I won't (and can't) assess his behavior or an appropriate course of action based on one event.

It does sound like he's rather stressed. But I don't understand something about your post. Are you saying were intimate and he waited until afterward to break things off with you? AS or no, stress or no . . . that's a really crappy thing to do. Of course, if I'm misunderstanding, then what I just said may be withdrawn.

I don't think gifts are a replacement for the affection you seek. And I don't think that he has to rely on only you for support. If you still want to be friends, that's fine, but take care that you don't end up becoming his amateur shrink or his secretary.

 

[sam_pling]

Hi,

Thanks for your reply!

Yes he waited, it was ******. I had to walk out.

It came out of the blue. He has made considerable strides to see me. Visited me numerous times, which considering the distance has been remarkable and in part swept me off my feet.

Thankfully I'm pretty stoic, especially as I'm 41, done the heartbreak thing and have a great life.

It was the mixed messages that threw me, telling me thanks but no thanks whilst holding me close and how amazing I am but I don't want to hurt you.

I have been his pillar without realising but only as I was abke to pull some strings with my friends to get him fast-tracked. I have also lived here a long time, so know a lot.
I don't want to be a pawn in his emotional upheavals but in the same breath, I do care about him.

I think perhaps I should make moves to change the way I feel about him, which will be hard, when my urges pull towards him.

I'm going to message him and say although very hurt, I do understand .. etc. That I need space but can be there if you need my help but not in the constant nature of before.

I'm sad and will miss him but Thursday was horrible. I'm not sure I can make a habit of it.

 

[Ereth]

You should absolutely try to moderate your feelings. It would seem he doesn't know what he wants emotionally, but is quite willing to exploit your emotions for sex. That makes the whole thing really disgusting to me. I know he's gone out of the way to visit you and showered you with presents and said nice things about you . . . but . . . ugh. He's lucky I wasn't in your place. I probably would've lost my temper.

 

[sam_pling]

Ereth,

Trust me, I was *swear words*, (lots of them), livid.

I feel that I have become supplemetary to requirements now that he is gainfully employed and his income and the rest of his life secure. There is no way he would have that without me. I cannot help but feel used, rightfully or wrongly.

On top of which, he fully ingratiated himself into my life, without my ever asking.

I have lots of friends, so will survive. I am hugely disappointed in the way I have been more or less cast aside. I don't know how I should express it. I want him to understand that I am hurting and you can't go around treating people like that. I realise, this may not be possible.

I suppose I am wondering whether this is down to the massive changes in his life and something had to give. I just don't know. I'm still learning and i am the least pushy person ever.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that it's probably best to step away. This would be easier if he was staying in the USA as opposed to moving to my patch, the UAE.

I will sleep on it and decide what to say tomorrow.

 

[G-Max]

Ask him why you should help him after he manipulated your emotions. If he cannot provide a compelling and well-thought-out answer, cut him loose.

 

[142857]

My guess is that he believes he won't be able to fill the "role" of boyfriend, and he is seeking to spare both of you the stress and drama that he foresees if you were to become a couple.

Judging by how badly he has misread the situation so far .... he might be right.

I went through the same sort of feelings before my first relationship. I was 36 years old.

My girlfriend did not give up on me, she was able to convince me to throw caution to the wind and allow myself to fall in love with her. I can go into more detail if you think that might help.

 

[bookworm44]

I obviously don't know this guy, but from my own experience, when I start to get very close to someone, I will usually panic and pull away suddenly. I am working on changing this pattern in my own life, but it took me a long time to even realize I was doing that. In attachment theory, it is called ambivalence. If he is interested in continuing to talk with you and you are willing to do so, you could ask him to tell you more about what is going on inside of him and see if any of that fits.

Of course, he could be acting this way because he was using you, but if you talk to him and find out that is the case, you could just completely stop any contact with him once you know what is going on. If he is attached to you but just struggling, perhaps he would be willing to work on that. I may be totally off base here, but I just wanted to share my thoughts in case any of it might be of use to you in this situation. I'm sure it is very confusing and painful, and I am sorry to hear that you have been going through such a difficult experience.

 

[142857]

Bookworm, I think your first thoughts are right on the money. If he is on the spectrum then it is unlikely that he could be deceptive and manipulative enough to string someone along in this way for his own gain.

Of course there are going to be exceptions. But being that manipulative would be very difficult for an aspie guy.

 

[joshuaturbeville]

I hope you're still working things out with your boyfriend, but as you might realize by now, chances are his 'disappearance' will recur. It's called shutdown/withdrawal and it's a common part of how Aspies deal with everyday stress. It's best to accept this cycle as part of who he is, and try to not feel hurt by it.

 

[Judge]

Two people from different countries. Him from the US and you from the UK? Working in aerospace connecting in the UAE. One person abruptly terminates a relationship with no apparent reason.

Did you get him onto that "fast track", or did he get you to get him there? Have you ever considered the possibility of a very different agenda in play having absolutely nothing to do with autism?