ASD and financial manipulation

[Lysander]

So, at one point I was manipulated out of a huge amount of money by my mother. I should have known better, but at the time I was feeling guilty. We hadn't spoken for a long time and even when I was younger, we didn't get along. She and my older siblings were always close, and I was always like an intruder. But I had been obsessively watching self help videos that advised you should make things right with your family and your life wherever possible, and I thought that was what I was doing.

My spouse's mother is similar to mine in that she often asks for large sums of cash and makes him feel guilty for not handing it over.

While not everyone's mothers are necessarily the ones taking advantage, I was wondering if situations like this can sometimes happen to people with ASD? I strongly feel that my lack of emotional intelligence, self awareness, and obsessive desire to "make it right" were strong contributing factors to allowing my mother to manipulate me.

 

[Moomin]

THey play on the guilt trip to manipulate you. The naivety in doing what you think is right, albeit honorable is never going to be how you envisioned would turn out.

That’s not to say you’ve done anything wrong.

Just chalk this up as a learning experience and next time be careful of manipulating people. They will do it again, because they know that they can get away with it.

My mom took 500 from me this year. To pay for her club bill because apparently she didn’t have the money. I felt bad, so I gave it to her on her promise that the money would be paid back. That was a few months ago, and it’s now almost December. When she’s asked for a lend of a 20 to have coffee with a friend, I’ve had to say no. That I don’t have money on me. Whilst the act of lying is uncomfortable, and she knows that I have money but I’m being awkward, I’m not having myself be robbed out of money again when it takes ages to be paid back, if at all.

It’s a hard lesson to learn but that’s what happens when you do something right, and your honor is thrown out at you.

 

[Autistamatic]

Once bitten twice shy. It happened to me once - not with parents - but never again. I've unconsciously slipped into the "never a borrower nor a lender be" frame of mind now.

 

[Progster]

I once had a friend with 3 kids who was struggling financially and didn't have the money to pay the rent, so I lent her money - I offered it, she didn't ask for it so I can't blame her, but it was a bad move for me because I later had fincancial difficulties myself and I never got the money back - or very little of it. I gave away the money too easily - never again: now, only in a medical emergency would I give money away like this.

I hate borrowing money and hate being in debt, but I had to borrow money from my mum - actually for my assessment for Asperger's, and I felt terrible about having to do this. Later, I wanted to pay her back, but she didn't accept the money.

Another time, I gave my partner's sister money for a medical emergency, quite a large sum of money for hotel expenses, and I later told her that we needed to think this through and plan for such events in advance, save up money and find ways of saving money because I don't have that much money and can't afford to pay for hotels. She turned round and then accused me of being mean and stingy, so no, unfortunately helping out is often taken for granted and isn't always appreciated.

 

[Pats]

If I ever loan money I give it, not expecting it back. The only people that have ever tried to pay me back a loan have been my kids and I usually won't take it. They don't come to me for just anything and don't tell me when and if they are struggling financially, but when they do, I'm going to help them if I can. That hasn't happened many times. My son once asked me to help him pay for some school book because his school grant was late in coming and within a week he had the money to pay me back, but I told him to use it on something else he needed.
I have a friend that I've given money to for various things and she says she will pay me back but I just say when and if she's able and don't expect it.
I did have a sister in law that was asking to borrow money on a weekly basis. Every week she was getting her brother to make her weekly car payment and then she'd come to me saying she needed money for the doctor or medication or some other thing. I'd believe her and give it to her and later realize she was lying. She was so manipulative - she'd have me drive her around all day and ask her son to give her gas money but she'd use the money for something for herself and not offer the gas money for the tank of gas I just used. Eventually, I learned - if her little girl needed school supplies, I would take her daughter to the store and buy her school supplies. It got so bad that I had my phone number changed and told my husband that if he gave her my new number I would leave him. (Ended - he was as bad as she was and I got away from both of them). Of course, I was told how mean I was and accused of all kinds of stuff when I limited my help. (Oh - this is one of those subjects that I end up rehashing and can't get out of, so I'll stop here while I can still get my mind on something else. )
So, answer is yes.

 

[Onna]

Yep. I’m still paying off a debt that belongs to my ex. He had terrible credit, couldn’t take out a loan for a car and asked me. I spent two weeks saying no, but his words niggled and niggled at me, to the point I just agreed. It was incredibly weak of me. We had been together for 9 years, and I knew that the relationship was at its end, I’m sure he did too. I think it was the one last thing he thought he’d take from me before we broke up.

I tell you what, it’ll NEVER happen again! That’s all I needed to learn from that. There’s no reason people should be asking for money and not paying it back. It’s just disrespectful, and unfair.

 

[Tom]

There are many possible situations and no real easy answer to when it is the right thing to do to give or lend money to family. You have to try and use your best judgement. That is not always easy and in your case you seem to mistrust your own judgement. In all cases its best to try and work it out together with your spouse using the principle 'two heads are better then one'. Some things to consider are limits, as most of us are not made of money and also some sense of equality between the families for fairness sake.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I would never lend anyone other than my immediate family whom I trust 100% money. Every now and then I'll give a friend money for a bus ticket or some food, because I care about them and know that they would (and have) help me out similarly.

The only time I've ever lent anyone money was when my parents bought a second home, they didn't have quite enough the pay cash so I lent them £20,000. I did that with a written contract to ensure repayment, despite there being no doubt in my mind that they'd re-pay it in no time (which they did).

A housemate once asked me to lend them £500 towards a new car, my answer was "no", they tried to guilt me into, my answer was "hell no, I'm not your bank. Try saving up the 100s you spend on alcohol and clothes every month." No way am I going to feel guilty for someone else's poor financial decisions.

 

[Fino]

I've only lost small sums to lending. But I do have difficulty understanding and dealing with money in general. It's hard to view it as valuable. It's confusing.

 

[disconnected]

I would say it has nothing to do with ASD. My wife and I are very thrifty.

 

[Onna]

I've only lost small sums to lending. But I do have difficulty understanding and dealing with money in general. It's hard to view it as valuable. It's confusing.

Money is a strange thing!
A healthy relationship with money I would say, is one where it gives you enough independence to do the things you NEED to do, it starts getting complicated when you have enough or not enough for things you want but don’t need.
Cheesy as it sounds happiness really is a state of mind, rather than an object.

 

[Judge]

Money and blood relatives... not always a good combination. With or without autism in the picture. Putting any sense of trust to a real test.

Where some may simply feel entitled to take from those closest to them whether it's fair or not.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I've only lost small sums to lending. But I do have difficulty understanding and dealing with money in general. It's hard to view it as valuable. It's confusing.

I find it helps to think of money as time spent. I know how much I earn an hour, so whenever I spend more than I small amount I think of it as spending my time... is this thing I'm thinking of buying worth 5 hours at work? normally the answer is no.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Once bitten twice shy.

Amen. We've tried to help out a few family members and had them flake on us or leave us hanging several times. I once co-signed on a (fairly cheap) car for a nephew, got a stern letter from the bank asking why the car hadn't been insured yet and no payments had been made - had to go pay off the car and repo it myself.

Now, my wife and I have decide that the Bank of Rex is closed. Anytime someone asks, we just say, "We can't afford it" or "We don't have the money for that right now." Both true statements regardless of how much or little cash we have.

 

[Autistamatic]

The last time I borrowed from anywhere was a friend about 10 years ago. I felt bad for asking an even worse about the few months it took me to repay it. I have no credit to my name and will avoid it as much as I can. If someone I truly care about needs help then I will consider lending/giving again but there are so few people in my life that fill that criterion it's unlikely.

 

[TempeFan]

Now, my wife and I have decide that the Bank of Rex is closed. Anytime someone asks, we just say, "We can't afford it" or "We don't have the money for that right now." Both true statements regardless of how much or little cash we have.

It's definitely true for us. Nowadays everyone who knows us realizes that we are incarcerated on disability with no possibility of parole, so they don't even think to ask. However, back before we realized the opportunity for a career would never be available, there were a few moochers who we avoided contact with. There were also people we considered friends who we did loan money to, never expecting we would need it back. Adjusting the old adage to be, "Never gamble (or loan or gift)more than you can afford to lose." seems appropriate. Also helpful in deciding whether or not to loan is the question, "Would they do the same for you?" Especially with family, no matter how much they try to guilt you into giving them money, you'd feel even more like a chump if you let them take advantage.

Long ago, my best friend was flat on her back with a very difficult first pregnancy when her husband ended up with a back injury at work.They were both laid up for months with medical bills piling up because the worker's compensation checks were late and they had no money coming in and none in savings after the big down payment on their new house that they were about to lose. The husband refused to take my money because he was one of those men who swore no wife of his would ever have to work because he was too manly to accept money from a woman. She took it anyway and as soon as they were back on their feet, they wrote me a check on the first of each month until it was all paid back. Then there was a boyfriend who lost his job and I loaned him a sizable chunk of change, but he dumped me before he paid even half of it back. I wrote that one off as a bad investment. Usually, if someone I cared about was in need, even when I had money, I would usually opt to give time or a place to stay or provisions instead of money.

Bad mothers are master manipulators. As someone who never had a mother I could count on or who cared about me, my desire to have a parent was sometimes overwhelming for me. I saw that same desire in your post where you were asking about reconciling with the family that treated you badly. Therefore, I don't think it had as much to do with ASD, a lack of emotional intelligence, or self awareness, but more with the obsessive desire to "make it right." Unfortunately, when someone else behaves badly, you can't make it right without that person's cooperation. Parents who use and abuse don't cooperate. They manipulate. Nothing you can do to change that.

 

[Annanda]

I was heavily manipulated by my mother to give her money, which I did. Over the years it was a huge amount of energy, I spend to her and her family. I didn't expect anything back.
I was always promised, if I would need anything they would be there for me, which was not the case.
She tried another two times to manipulate me to pay for things she would pass on to me, when she would die. My ex-partner prevented me from giving her the huge amount of money, she demanded.
Recently a "friend" of mine manipulated me by using guilt to sell her a valuable music-instrument far under it's worth. I broke up with her after realizing what happened.
But also in general I rarely make good deals, to say it carefully and I can't really fix, where the problem is.
So one is for sure, I won't die as a wealthy person. It's not at all important for me.
And I can feel deep in my body the really crazy hunger for money within this world.
Oftentimes I'm stunned by this very fact.