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Are you a leader or a follower?

Ovrthkr817

Well-Known Member
Do you take the initiative and do what you want, or out of fear of rejection and looking different, do you just follow the crowd so everyone thinks you're like them?

Yesterday at work, we got free lunch. It was a nice treat. When I was finished eating, I had to throw away my disposable plate. Instead, I folded it repeatedly (I think I was nervous, I honestly don't know. I was around a bunch of new people) and waited for the first person to throw out their plate so I could throw away mine. Why? I honestly wanted to witness someone else throw their garbage in that specific garbage. We weren't eating in a cafeteria, and I don't know of any excuse I could give that would make sense.
 
I can't lead, can't follow, can't sing, can't dance.

I never know what I'm "supposed" to do, so I either wing it and end up starting a trend, getting told off, or looking weird. I never know which it's going to be.

So, I think I have the same experience as you. :)
 
I so get where you are coming from! I am a follower; feel actually out of control when suddenly I am a leader; feels too big a role for me, even though, I may do pretty well!

In your description, that is me all over; it is fear of ridicule.

Reminds me of the time, a small group of us, went to this take out or eat in, place for a kebab. Well, my husband was joining later and we had walked there ( not far) and I felt really uncomfortable, due to the type of shoes I was wearing: 3inch heel. Great for our meeting ie spiritual, but not so, for walking lol anyway, we arrived and much to my horror, the staff said that they were not open yet and we would have to wait at least an hour. Well, one of the guys in the group, has rather a big personality and just shrugged his shoulders and said: no probs; we will go somewhere else! I could feel myself panicking and soooo out of control, it was unbelievable and said to the nearest person: you can all go, but we frequent this shop quite a lot and I would feel wrong to go somewhere else. She said: go and tell the guy then and with shaking hands, I approached and said: that they are more than welcome to go somewhere else, but I will wait for my husband and we will go here. I explained that we have gone there quite a lot and they are really nice to us and so, it feels wrong to do this. He laughed and said: well, we could find somewhere to have a drink and then, go back. I hasten to add, this guy is NOT an arrogant man, but he is very tall and just as this amazing personality, that has a habit of undoing me lol

I went back to my birth country, last year on my own ( wow that was frightening) and had to take coaches to get to certain places. Once on the coach I was ok, but when it was getting close to me getting off, that is where the: little girl in me kicks in and I flounder big time, that I am going to miss my stop or just make an absolute fool of myself. I guess it comes down to feeling so insecure that you feel exposed!

I hate the feeling!
 
I'm a scout. I'm a leader when I have to be, which is generally when people are willing to either agree in quiet rooms that the status quo isn't working and it's time to throw a wild card, or when the police show up with weapons ready. Both have happened.
 
I think my tendency is to take kind of "second in command" positions. I don't really follow naturally [though some of the things I deal with like ocd, anxiety, etc can sometimes put me in that position]. I don't think I necessarily am a pure leader either. I do tend to be effective if I want to help gear a group toward an ideal or goal, I think if I personally support it.

I often find myself in leadership positions I don't necessarily seek though.

so: yes/no/maaaaybe?
 
I do both depending upon the situation I find myself in. At work I now follow the instructions I am given, there are times when I need to go off the page in order to get the job done and I'm happy taking control. In past careers I was always in charge as I was the boss, but learnt to defer to my staff if they came up with a solution I hadn't seen.

Socially, I am not really a leader, preferring to follow the lead of those around me as I believe their skills at negotiating the social maze are better than mine.
 
I am not a leader in any form, but the only place I could be described as a follower is when I'm working.

I guess I'm a lone wolf.
 
Fascinating question. More often than not I'm neither. But I suppose it really depends on the situation. In more pragmatic circumstances I can be an obedient follower or a committed leader.

Yet I'm reminded me of a hypothetical scenario a group of fellow college students put before me back in the mid 70s. Something apocalyptic, where we'd band together as a small group. And then they proceeded to ponder how we each would behave under such circumstances. Who would lead, who would follow.

I told them I would likely just leave the group and head out on my own. They didn't like that answer at all.

It said so much about me, so many years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. But I only understood why a few years ago.
 
Really depends on the situation - I don't consider myself either, I just act as circumstances dictate.. and often that's by myself anyway, so I'm rather used to trusting my own judgement and making independent decisions. I'm the boss at work and have the knowledge and experience my clients seek, but am quite happy to defer to those more experienced or with better ideas than myself.
I do feel that your concern over doing something that may look odd, Ovrthkr817, is a different thing - I have the same anxiety and also wait till someone else does a thing so I can see the accepted way to do it myself, but if I know what to do already I have no problem doing it first.
.. I've actually noticed that many people share similar anxiety anyway, whether NT or AS/ASD - when you walk into a restaurant, do you find a table or wait to be shown to one? I'm always concerned about this, but I see that others are too and that tends to alleviate my worry somewhat - never think you're always going to make a fool of yourself, everyone does sometimes and almost everyone ignores it anyway.. it's just that we're sensitive souls :rolleyes:
 
As a child, my report cards said things like, "needs to learn to be a follower" and "has a tendency to take over activities". Over time, my teachers wore me down and, with the added pressure to fit in with my peers, I started to try to take a back seat, so to speak. I HATED working in groups precisely because I wanted to take charge and was discouraged from doing so.
 
I can only lead myself with any confidence. I can deal with my own complaints when things don't go as planned.

Throw others into the mix, and I'll only lead reluctantly, or if things are close to a crisis. I'd prefer to make loose plans and know that everyone else is capable and self sufficient. That doesn't happen often. It seems that a lot of people want to be "on the same team", and I find that usually means they want me to follow along with them. While I'm not quite a lone wolf, I'm not great at being a team member, unless the rules are explicitly laid out, like in baseball.

Strangely, though, I've found myself in leadership roles from time to time; Co-captain of high school soccer team, president of a bike racing club, project lead at work. While I'm no administrator or manager, I can somehow direct a few people to get something done. It's hard to communicate though, and it really spikes my anxiety.
 
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I don't follow well, at all, but I don't want to lead anybody. (Don't tell me what to do, and don't have expectations)... Is their another box?.... I was part of a large psychological test on authority/comformity/follow the herd type thinking once. There were about 100 of us high school age, assigned to sit in a room and the powers that be put a record on a record player of some annoying western cowboy type music, and then we were ordered to copy a very long essay onto binder paper. The music kept repeating. A couple people asked "why are we doing this?", and the answer was just, "it is a mandatory work time". I got up and collected my stuff and walked out, well aware all eyes were on my back as I did so. But when I got out into the hallway, there were more official type people out there; I though uh-oh, they're going to force me back in there and it's going to get ugly because I'm not going back in there. Instead, they smiled, shook my hand, and said, "cool, you're the first female to leave, congratulations."
 
(Don't tell me what to do, and don't have expectations)

Do you think that's what most people think of as leadership? Telling people what to do, and expecting them to go along with it? Sometimes it seems that way, at least in relationships where there is some strange power dynamic going on.

I'm fine with being asked to do something, but suspend expectations until things have a chance to progress. I'm not a wish fulfillment device.


I love that story about the psychology test.
 
Do you think that's what most people think of as leadership? Telling people what to do, and expecting them to go along with it? Sometimes it seems that way, at least in relationships where there is some strange power dynamic going on.

I'm fine with being asked to do something, but suspend expectations until things have a chance to progress. I'm not a wish fulfillment device.


I love that story about the psychology test.
Oh yes people seem to think, at first anyway, that I've the right kind of power to lead, but I don't. Then, they expect me to follow, and I don't do that either. To clarify, I am fine with being asked to do something that makes sense. And I am polite, and pleasant mostly. :) But I get storm-cloud-dark when I see bullying and intimidation.
 
In your description, that is me all over; it is fear of ridicule.
I do both depending upon the situation I find myself in. At work I now follow the instructions I am given, there are times when I need to go off the page in order to get the job done and I'm happy taking control. In past careers I was always in charge as I was the boss, but learnt to defer to my staff if they came up with a solution I hadn't seen.

Socially, I am not really a leader, preferring to follow the lead of those around me as I believe their skills at negotiating the social maze are better than mine.

Fear of ridicule! Exactly!
At work, I prefer to be told what to do. I don't like taking initiative out of fear for messing everything up.
I went back to my birth country, last year on my own ( wow that was frightening) and had to take coaches to get to certain places. Once on the coach I was ok, but when it was getting close to me getting off, that is where the: little girl in me kicks in and I flounder big time, that I am going to miss my stop or just make an absolute fool of myself. I guess it comes down to feeling so insecure that you feel exposed!

Whenever I take public transportation to a place I've never been before, I'm lightly panicking the entire time, looking over the directions I took prior constantly until I reach my stop. So it's this constant feeling of anxiety I feel from the moment I get on the bus that slowly escalates until I reach my location. I can relate.
I do tend to be effective if I want to help gear a group toward an ideal or goal, I think if I personally support it.

If it's something I'm confident in, or if it comes down to building something (I'm good at building things) I will try to indirectly take the lead without actually leading. For example, if the person I'm working with does it wrong, I will constantly say "Or maybe we should do it like this."
I do feel that your concern over doing something that may look odd, Ovrthkr817, is a different thing - I have the same anxiety and also wait till someone else does a thing so I can see the accepted way to do it myself, but if I know what to do already I have no problem doing it first.
.. I've actually noticed that many people share similar anxiety anyway, whether NT or AS/ASD - when you walk into a restaurant, do you find a table or wait to be shown to one? I'm always concerned about this, but I see that others are too and that tends to alleviate my worry somewhat - never think you're always going to make a fool of yourself, everyone does sometimes and almost everyone ignores it anyway.. it's just that we're sensitive souls :rolleyes:

Unfortunately, even when I know what to do, depending on how confident I am in that situation, I'll still wait for someone to confirm with me the right thing to do. Unless my waiting on someone takes too long, I'll just go ahead a do it, then bring it back up to someone later.

About the restaurant question, it depends. As long as their's a booth of some sort or a corner, I don't have to wait to be seated, that's where I'm headed. I'm never too concerned about that. I do however need to let a little loose and stop being so scared of making a fool of myself. Because when I spend hours thinking about an embarrassing moment after t's happened, others have forgotten about it 5 minutes later. It is hard though.
As a child, my report cards said things like, "needs to learn to be a follower" and "has a tendency to take over activities". Over time, my teachers wore me down and, with the added pressure to fit in with my peers, I started to try to take a back seat, so to speak. I HATED working in groups precisely because I wanted to take charge and was discouraged from doing so.

I can only lead myself with any confidence. I can deal with my own complaints when things don't go as planned.

Throw others into the mix, and I'll only lead reluctantly, or if things are close to a crisis. I'd prefer to make loose plans and know that everyone else is capable and self sufficient. That doesn't happen often. It seems that a lot of people want to be "on the same team", and I find that usually means they want me to follow along with them. While I'm not quite a lone wolf, I'm not great at being a team member, unless the rules are explicitly laid out, like in baseball.

I never liked working in groups, I always prefer to work alone. But when I had to, I never took initiative. I just waited to be told what to do and went along with it. I think the only way I can really work in a group is if the group designates tasks to individuals so I'm still technically working alone.

I don't follow well, at all, but I don't want to lead anybody. (Don't tell me what to do, and don't have expectations)... Is their another box?.... I was part of a large psychological test on authority/comformity/follow the herd type thinking once. There were about 100 of us high school age, assigned to sit in a room and the powers that be put a record on a record player of some annoying western cowboy type music, and then we were ordered to copy a very long essay onto binder paper. The music kept repeating. A couple people asked "why are we doing this?", and the answer was just, "it is a mandatory work time". I got up and collected my stuff and walked out, well aware all eyes were on my back as I did so. But when I got out into the hallway, there were more official type people out there; I though uh-oh, they're going to force me back in there and it's going to get ugly because I'm not going back in there. Instead, they smiled, shook my hand, and said, "cool, you're the first female to leave, congratulations."

I've never been apart of any type of social experiment, but I admire you guts to get up and leave. I probably would have stayed. I'd like to think that in a different situation, depending on what they asked me to do, I may not get up and leave, but I would probably just sit there and not do the work I was asked to do.
 
I think both. I don't like being a leader, but I've accidentally fallen into it in a couple of areas.

The first time I was given a management role, it was extremely uncomfortable. It was also mind expanding. I eventually became accustomed to giving people instructions.

I'd prefer it if someone already had all of my ideas and I could just be a helper, but it has never worked like that for me. I can't get my projects launched without taking the first steps and setting examples. That leaves me in a leadership position, even though it often seems impossible.
 
I like Aspergirl4hire 's "Scout" for me, in most cases. I do what I like, not really looking behind me to see if anyone follows. A leader is my next default if I can't be a loner. In group situations I am often called upon to take charge, or I'll volunteer for the job if I'm not satisfied that the group is taking any productive direction.

If I'm in a very unfamiliar social situation I will hang back and observe, looking for someone to model for just as long as it takes to feel the first blush of confidence that I can take it from there on my own.
 
Professionally I am a Plant Manager of a factory and have held that position at different firms for quite a while. I am the dog on top of the pile and thus the leader, which I am fairly good at.

I am not much of a follower and not much of a team player either. So I either lead or fly solo.

Without a doubt, this attitude is a component of my socialization issues, but in my opinion, only a small portion. My inability to make friends or make people like me is only a small handicap on the job. I have the ability to get people to do what I want them to do because of other components of my skill set. That attribute far outweighs my likability index.

I am not afraid of making a mistake; everyone does that. I constantly assess many of my decisions for results and if the plan is not working I am the first to acknowledge failure and begin working on Plan B, C, D......... until successful.

I do start out at a deficit compared to peers who are outgoing and charismatic and have the ability to make people believe their promises. Because the job is actually a marathon, in a few weeks or months, I will subtly and firmly establish myself.

My way is probably far harder and far slower to pull off successfully than that used by those with real charismatic skills who can inspire and motivate employees with words. But because I cannot do it that way, I have few other options.
 
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