Any advice for telling my mum I have Aspergers?

[Digger]

Hi, I'm new to the forum and I just got told yesterday I have Aspergers. My husband and I had suspected it for a while but I didn't really expect anyone to agree with me and be so nice and supportive. Bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I don't mind telling people what the verdict is. I have a couple of friends that have been very supportive and I would like to tell them. I find it such a relief to finally have some answers and I would like to share it. I have already told my dad and he has been wonderful.

My mum on the other hand is not good at talking about this sort of thing. I have tried talking to her about all the mental health treatment I've had this year before I found out about Aspergers and every time she has changed the subject. But I would like to tell her because I would rather she heard it from me than later on from somebody else.

Can anyone give me some tips or ideas on what might happen when I tell her? I'm planning to spin it as an explanation for how I am rather than a defect or something that will hold me back. I'm actually really happy because finally the reason behind me being messy, disorganised, ditzy, lazy and weird is not that I'm just not trying hard enough!

I'm 33 btw so technically I'm an adult, but I'm just not very good at this sort of thing. My husband said he can be there when he tells her. Do you think it would help to show her a list of some of the symptoms? She worked in a school so she's had experience of teenagers with Aspergers.

Thanks, I went on for longer than I meant to. I have an informal diagnosis rather than an official one if that makes any difference, but it was from an Aspergers charity and they do know their stuff. They said an official diagnosis is not needed yet.

 

[Harrison]

Hi Digger, welcome to AC.

Given the fact that some some aspies genetically inherit the condition, I did from my mother and my children from me, is there a chance that your mother is unwilling to listen because it would also mean she has to 'look in the mirror'? If there is the chance that you may have inherited the condition from her it could be very difficult for her to accept the information.

I'd keep to opening line simple and light, 'Hey mom, the Asperges charity seem to think I should apply for membership', and she how she pesponds. If people are going to fight it, that's what they'll do no matter if the Pope himself stood there and proclaimed it. I know from experience, some folk accept it as if they've always known but don't take it to heart if your mother fights it out.

Also, don't use specific things like untidiness etc as aspie markers as it differs from one to another. I'm the opposite, compulsively tidy, organised, and not at all lazy. Remember we are on a spectrum, and it's more to do with how we process and how that differs from neuro-typicals.

There are a lot of books etc on the resource forum, Vanilla may be along soon with the appropriate ones.

Good luck!

 

[Digger]

No, I didn't mean that people with Aspergers are messy. But organisation is a big struggle for me and the charity said that is one area that people with Aspergers can sometimes struggle with. Sorry if I said the wrong thing.

 

[Harrison]

No, I didn't mean that people with Aspergers are messy. But organisation is a big struggle for me and the charity said that is one area that people with Aspergers can sometimes struggle with. Sorry if I said the wrong thing.

No you didn't say the wrong thing, no need to apologise

I was just pointing out that our traits are less 'what we do' and more 'why we do' and that that can be different for each aspie.

 

[Digger]

Oh, OK, thanks I will read the rest of your post properly now instead of just that one part over and over again lol.

 

[Digger]

Thank you for your tips She does suspect that her dad has Aspergers (and I agree), but having just spoken to her on the phone I don't think I am going to tell her. She asked how the appointment went (I told her I was going to see a charity but she didn't ask what they did specifically), so I told her it was really helpful and that I felt like they understood me and that I was starting counselling in the new year to come up with some strategies to make life a bit easier. Then I told her that they said they don't think I have a psychological disorder (NHS was trying to make out I had a personality disorder) and my mum said 'well you don't want a syndrome, do you'. I think she will just flat out refuse to accept that there's anything different about me so I don't think I will tell her yet. I might change my mind later on down the line though.

Maybe telling people about this isn't going to be as easy as I thought

 

[Suzanne]

I am thinking the same regarding your mum. You may have to face the reality that you can't tell her, because she already knows and could well e suffering guilt ie because of her, you suffer and why she changes the subject to ie too uncomfortable.

I am weird with tidiness because I am, on one hand, very organised but if there is a mess, takes time to deal with it, but if I am honest it is because my husband is messy and I find I can't deal with the tidying up! Yet, he is a fantastic at organising things such as, putting things in the car, whoa and me: disaster! Oh dear, it seems if my things, I am fastidious and that even goes for my computer, phone and tablet!

 

[Harrison]

Thank you for your tips She does suspect that her dad has Aspergers (and I agree), but having just spoken to her on the phone I don't think I am going to tell her. She asked how the appointment went (I told her I was going to see a charity but she didn't ask what they did specifically), so I told her it was really helpful and that I felt like they understood me and that I was starting counselling in the new year to come up with some strategies to make life a bit easier. Then I told her that they said they don't think I have a psychological disorder (NHS was trying to make out I had a personality disorder) and my mum said 'well you don't want a syndrome, do you'. I think she will just flat out refuse to accept that there's anything different about me so I don't think I will tell her yet. I might change my mind later on down the line though.

Maybe telling people about this isn't going to be as easy as I thought

No, sometimes it isn't easy. One of my kids is still in denial, his siblings have given up explaining it to him. I guess for me it was easier as my parents were dead (I was diagnosed at 50) so I only had to tell people around me. Being the person I am, I didn't care what they thought and I was telling them the same way a veggie would point it out to a meat eater

 

[Nadador]

Thank you for your tips She does suspect that her dad has Aspergers (and I agree), but having just spoken to her on the phone I don't think I am going to tell her. She asked how the appointment went (I told her I was going to see a charity but she didn't ask what they did specifically), so I told her it was really helpful and that I felt like they understood me and that I was starting counselling in the new year to come up with some strategies to make life a bit easier. Then I told her that they said they don't think I have a psychological disorder (NHS was trying to make out I had a personality disorder) and my mum said 'well you don't want a syndrome, do you'. I think she will just flat out refuse to accept that there's anything different about me so I don't think I will tell her yet. I might change my mind later on down the line though.

Maybe telling people about this isn't going to be as easy as I thought

I suspect you'll find a range of responses, dependent on each person's world view and personality. As I read your OP, I was fairly impressed that it was coming so easily with key persons from the start. You're lucky for that. I do love your outlook, wanting to share the news as good information. That's a very healthy way of approaching your confirmation, and for integrating your AS into your sense of self.

As for your mum, not everybody has to be let in all at once. As you witness the reactions of others you choose to tell, you may develop a sense of what to say, and when to say it, that could make tackling your mother's attitudes easier a little further down the road. Harrison makes a good point, in that she may feel a touch of guilt for your having AS. She may also have seen the stressors and complications of AS in the students she's worked with at school, and finds it hard to imagine her own child in that situation. As an extension of that, perhaps she looks back and feels she should've identified your condition previously, even just intuitively, and/or have been of more help to you with your symptoms when you were younger. Or...she may just be in flat out denial, for reasons you may never fully grasp. Mothers can be sensitive, perplexing creatures, when it comes to their relationships with their children. You grew in her body, from a tiny cluster of cells. That's a very unique perspective. A lot of baggage gets loaded on that journey, both before and after the cord gets cut.

Anyway. Welcome in, Digger. Glad you've come so soon after your revelation. It's a good way to start, reaching out to your Aspie brothers and sisters, here. We look forward to knowing you.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

It may help to know that it some ways raising you was a challenge if she's an NT. I am no longer in communication with my own mother, who has strong narcissistic traits and is bitter that I didn't due more to earn her bragging rights and devote myself to her needs. But that's my situation.

If you tell her what you need from her--be specific (we're good at that ) that gives you both the option of replacing guilt with "here's how to have a better relationship, and replace guilt with loving kindness."

There are so many other factors involved that I hesitate even to say that much. But making sure your disclosure and discussion offers a positive way to continue, and that you love her, and there's nothing to forgive (if that's true also), all those things offer a way through.

Best wishes in your foray...feel free to keep us all posted. Who knows, there could be tears of joy.

 

[Digger]

Ha, there is always tears, I cry at everything. Thank you everyone, you've given me a lot to think about. Hopefully not so much that I'm awake all night long though lol. I think I will have a long chat with the charity counsellor before I tell my mum. I am very lucky to have a supportive husband and my dad has been fab too. No one else needs to know anything at the moment other than I've found someone who can help me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

If she's always been concerned about what you now know to be an autism-related symptom (in my case, social anxiety), could you tell her in some way like "I think I know why I've always been ____! I have Aspergers." If she doesn't want to pursue it, it might not hurt to let it drop. Some people just aren't comfortable discussing some things. In a humorous example, you don't discuss passing gas around my grandparents because it makes them uncomfortable despite how natural it may be.