An ambigious comment that leads to misunderstandings

[Suzanne]

Have you mopped many times before, or is it your first time learning?

If you've done this many times before, then you're technically both at fault.
Him for misspeaking, but you for also not be able to reason out that certain tools will work better for mopping than others. There comes a point where you need to be able to be more useful than adding more work.

Is this the only issue you have with him or are there many more things? If there are many more things, maybe we should be presented to more examples to assess a more fair opinion for both of you.

Many times and many different products, to try and clean, but only a residual comes up and due to hubby being a gardener and allowing our dog and cat to go into the bathroom, more stains are there and they are ones I cannot mop up.

Oh my, many years worth of issues lol mostly that I do not do a good job of keeping the house clean, but I become stronger and able to reason it out a lot more, so he has given up mostly, critizing and especially, when I point out how untidy he is!

Not sure how I am also at fault and especially, when he did not mean the floor, but the toilet itself.

 

[Suzanne]

It sounds like she has a bathroom floor like mine - it just doesn't come clean no matter what. I've tried many different chemicals and scrubbed it on hands and knees and it still doesn't come clean. I'm at a loss (when I moved in, it was really dirty but I didn't realize it was dirty because it was so dirty I thought the tile was just that color. Once I started seeing a clean spot worn into the dirt in front of the sink I realized the floor wasn't that color, it was actually filthy.) I certainly know that I'll never purchase tile like this and it might be the deciding factor when I buy a house lol (I rent this place).

Our verandah tiles get filthly and I thought there was no hope, but then, one day, I got a hard brush and attached a handle and scrubbed and then, moped and amazingly, it worked wonders, so now the floor tiles are a lot cleaner. However, takes a lot of physical strength.

Bathroom tiles are another story and although they look great. Sort of roman style. Regret getting them, due to how horribly hard they are to clean.

 

[Suzanne]

"I see you have not mopped properly" sounds like he thinks you're his personal slave.

When we first got married, he woke me up and told me to make his sandwiches for work. That shocked me so much, that for years, I felt very angry and could not really understand why. So, for 27 years I have been doing his sandwiches and it did get to a point, that I no longer minded, but then I had a severe mental issue and could not do anything and even though I am fine again, he has taken to doing his own sandwiches.

I admit, to staying in bed, whilst he was making them, in case he would say: well, you are up now, you can go back to making my sandwiches? So, I stayed put. Now, when I did get up early, he did say that I should take over and I just try to laugh it off and say: well, I do the animals dinners.

Yes, I am more of a slave, than a partner and in fact, no where near a parnter. But, I consider that I "made my bed, so I should sleep in it" kind of thing.

 

[Suzanne]

Speaking of psychopaths, could your husband either be one or have some other personality disorder? I know it's not necessary to be anything but neurotypical to be abusive, but knowing might help you deal with him.

A good friend ( quite possibly another aspie) has also said he has issues and I know that well, but the problem is, he would embrace them and expect me to do even more. He even elluded that he could become disabled and I would have to do everything for him, which made my heart sink.

 

[Suzanne]

He has time to fight with you. He should spend the time dedicated to criticizing your work to fixing it up to his preference. Anyhow ain't nobody sticking the toilet cleaner in their mouth, so big deal. It probably has something worse than toilet paper on it. But certainly he's not worth being explained that, he's an angry ball.

He needs to figure out where his anger and stress come from and fix it instead of lashing out at you. Things like that happen, he needs to learn to tolerate living with someone. He needs to learn to tolerate your interruptions and stop trying to control everything, especially people, down to even the way they speak. No one can speak the way he wants them to. Each person is their own and have their own mind. He needs to feel in control.

I have said to him, well if you are not happy with my cleaning, why don't you do it? He does not appreciate that being said and will come out with how busy he is and what time does he have to do those things.

His biggest gripe was dusting and decobwebbing and I was not very good at those things, but have improved dramatically and even quipped to him. How can you tell the dusting is being done regularly, because of how frequent one needs to buy the polish!

He says that because he is tall, he sees the "much" and also, due to his miltery training, he is hyperaware of dust and cobwebs.

I do appreciate that since I am at home and do not go out to work, then, yes, it is my duty and do the best I can, but ANYONE coming to see us, notices how tidy I am and how untidy he is, which rather makes a mockery out of his: I had miltery training.

I also, get rid of this forum from my tab in the evening, just in case, he was to peer over.

I feel awful for being so negative about my marriage, but it does help to balance things out, especially with such lovely comments from everyone.

 

[Ylva]

A good friend ( quite possibly another aspie) has also said he has issues and I know that well, but the problem is, he would embrace them and expect me to do even more. He even elluded that he could become disabled and I would have to do everything for him, which made my heart sink.

Mine as well.

But to quote sensei Johnny Lawrence of Cobra Kai… "you gotta flip the script".

I have read a handful of stories by abused people about how they survived, and the main thing I got was, they kinda stopped caring. They found a purpose that was more important to them than how people treated them. Maybe you have already done that, but if not maybe it's time.

 

[SDRSpark]

When we first got married, he woke me up and told me to make his sandwiches for work. That shocked me so much, that for years, I felt very angry and could not really understand why. So, for 27 years I have been doing his sandwiches and it did get to a point, that I no longer minded, but then I had a severe mental issue and could not do anything and even though I am fine again, he has taken to doing his own sandwiches.

I admit, to staying in bed, whilst he was making them, in case he would say: well, you are up now, you can go back to making my sandwiches? So, I stayed put. Now, when I did get up early, he did say that I should take over and I just try to laugh it off and say: well, I do the animals dinners.

Yes, I am more of a slave, than a partner and in fact, no where near a parnter. But, I consider that I "made my bed, so I should sleep in it" kind of thing.

NO!!! Absolutely not. Get out of there! Holy cow, don't spend the rest of your life with this miserable oaf of a human being out of a feeling that you deserve it because you married him in the first place. HE is the one at fault here for treating you like that. You are not at fault for being who you are, which is a bit naive perhaps for marrying him - a lot of people are. But you know better now, there's no good sense in sticking around to let someone treat you that way.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I hate it when my parents tell me to do something, but it is phrased in such a way that I either do something that they didn't mean, or I end up getting confused and not doing it at all. It is mostly my dad who does this, though, and he is at work for most of the day.

 

[Suzanne]

NO!!! Absolutely not. Get out of there! Holy cow, don't spend the rest of your life with this miserable oaf of a human being out of a feeling that you deserve it because you married him in the first place. HE is the one at fault here for treating you like that. You are not at fault for being who you are, which is a bit naive perhaps for marrying him - a lot of people are. But you know better now, there's no good sense in sticking around to let someone treat you that way.

Believe me, I have tried a few times, but reality hits me and now I just do the best I can. In fact, my faith really does help me to cope, since I know that there is going to be a day when things will be put right and that hope is an anchor to me.

I did get overwhelmed with negative thoughts at one point this year and it lead to depression, but I got through it and not doing too bad.

I have no where to go. Living in a different country with a different language. Not being able to go out on my own; not being able to drive, so realistically, it is foolish to just get up and leave.

All is not doom and gloom, as the house is in my name as well. French laws state this, so I am protected in that sense. He can no longer use that against me. I also do our book keeping, which has given me a huge boost of confidence.

 

[Suzanne]

I hate it when my parents tell me to do something, but it is phrased in such a way that I either do something that they didn't mean, or I end up getting confused and not doing it at all. It is mostly my dad who does this, though, and he is at work for most of the day.

I think it is laziness of parents part. They cannot be bothered to take the time to explain and I know that is the way with my husband.

 

[paloftoon]

Believe me, I have tried a few times, but reality hits me and now I just do the best I can. In fact, my faith really does help me to cope, since I know that there is going to be a day when things will be put right and that hope is an anchor to me.

I did get overwhelmed with negative thoughts at one point this year and it lead to depression, but I got through it and not doing too bad.

I have no where to go. Living in a different country with a different language. Not being able to go out on my own; not being able to drive, so realistically, it is foolish to just get up and leave.

All is not doom and gloom, as the house is in my name as well. French laws state this, so I am protected in that sense. He can no longer use that against me. I also do our book keeping, which has given me a huge boost of confidence.

SDRSpark does have a good point, and you also have a great response for your situation.
What you need to do on the side is focus on learning the native language better. I'm guessing that's an issue because you mention that the language is different.

If language is not too much of a barrier for you, then I'd focus on driving school. Driving school does cost money. If not, would he be okay with you to get a PT job to make some money for yourself? You could save up this money for driving school and this could be your potential backup.

 

[Cactus]

My husband has a fantastic ability to make ambiguous comments and then, gets angry when it is misconstrued.

This morning, he shouts from the bathroom. I see you have not mopped properly. Now, we have huge issues with our tiles in our bathroom. They are terrible for cleaning, so I said: but I did explain that no amount of mopping is moving the dirt. He angry shouts: if you would let me finish my sentence. You have toilet paper on the toilet brush. For that, it is easy to deal with. Just soak the toilet brush for an hour in bleach.

He knows I have aspergers, but refuses to state how things are and expects me to interpret him, which leads to untold miseries.

I’m sorry that you have to deal with that.