An ambigious comment that leads to misunderstandings

[Suzanne]

My husband has a fantastic ability to make ambiguous comments and then, gets angry when it is misconstrued.

This morning, he shouts from the bathroom. I see you have not mopped properly. Now, we have huge issues with our tiles in our bathroom. They are terrible for cleaning, so I said: but I did explain that no amount of mopping is moving the dirt. He angry shouts: if you would let me finish my sentence. You have toilet paper on the toilet brush. For that, it is easy to deal with. Just soak the toilet brush for an hour in bleach.

He knows I have aspergers, but refuses to state how things are and expects me to interpret him, which leads to untold miseries.

 

[Au Naturel]

I'm not sure how the toilet brush is related to mopping. I think he is confused and said the wrong thing and doesn't want to admit he's not quite on the ball.

 

[Suzanne]

I'm not sure how the toilet brush is related to mopping. I think he is confused and said the wrong thing and doesn't want to admit he's not quite on the ball.

No, he did not get confused. He is always saying similar things and when I try to say that it is not the correct word. It is like he is blaze about using the correct termology and hates it when I try to gently say that it is not the correct thing to say.

As an example, in referance to my phychiatrist, he says: that pyschopath thingy person. I can't help but say they are two totally different things. Ok, the therapist may be a pyschopath, but that is not his role, as it were.

 

[Kit]

I see you have not mopped properly

I would have interpreted that as him criticizing me and telling me I need to do a better job and to mop the parts I had missed. This is NT language I have learned.

It's possible you have cut him off and he had taken a pause in the sentence and you interpreted that as him being done.

Maybe he wanted to say "I see you have not mopped properly. There is toilet paper on the brush. For that, it is easy to deal with. Just soak the toilet brush for an hour in bleach."

But I still would have thought I needed to re mop the floor again since he mentioned it.

I don't know you husband and don't want to judge him but the story you tell is coming off as him gaslighting you. They will intentionally use the wrong terms and get mad when you interpreted it correctly and then they change what they say. Then you feel you are going crazy and that you keep on misinterpreting him when in fact he is doing this on purpose.

 

[Suzanne]

is coming off as him gaslighting you. They will intentionally use the wrong terms and get mad when you interpreted it correctly and then they change what they say. Then you feel you are going crazy and that you keep on misinterpreting him when in fact he is doing this on purpose.

He does gaslight me virtually every day and in the past, it did make me feel crazy, but I am gradually learning that I am not the issue and it is he that has the issue and the best way to deal with it, is talk facts and silence, which does seem to work.

 

[Aspychata]

Glad you can at least come here and talk about it. l have learned not to be upset about gaslighting. l had to endure quite a lot of it and as a result love love love solitude compared to being with a gaslight male which seems to be pretty rampant to control woman in my state. lol

 

[menander]

I would say, "Do it yourself then." Are his hands inoperable?

 

[Suzanne]

I would say, "Do it yourself then." Are his hands inoperable?

If I said that to him, his response would be: do you think I have time for these things? I work hard and barely have enough time to relax, whereas you have all the time in the world to relax. So, the best I can do, is keep quiet and just deal with it in my own time.

 

[Suzanne]

Glad you can at least come here and talk about it. l have learned not to be upset about gaslighting. l had to endure quite a lot of it and as a result love love love solitude compared to being with a gaslight male which seems to be pretty rampant to control woman in my state. lol

It does take a bit of courage, because I fear that he will suddenly come here and read, but the last time he did, was when he first joined, but I knew that would not last and since then, which is about 3 year's ago, he has not been back and if he did pop back, it would be me mentioning it and thus, what I fool I would be to do that lol

 

[SDRSpark]

Yikes. Suzanne, I mean this in the best possible way - why are you putting up with this? It sounds like he is really not a good husband at all, if he treats you like this. You deserve better!

 

[paloftoon]

Have you mopped many times before, or is it your first time learning?

If you've done this many times before, then you're technically both at fault.
Him for misspeaking, but you for also not be able to reason out that certain tools will work better for mopping than others. There comes a point where you need to be able to be more useful than adding more work.

Is this the only issue you have with him or are there many more things? If there are many more things, maybe we should be presented to more examples to assess a more fair opinion for both of you.

 

[SDRSpark]

If you've done this many times before, then you're technically both at fault.
Him for misspeaking, but you for also not be able to reason out that certain tools will work better for mopping than others. There comes a point where you need to be able to be more useful than adding more work.

It sounds like she has a bathroom floor like mine - it just doesn't come clean no matter what. I've tried many different chemicals and scrubbed it on hands and knees and it still doesn't come clean. I'm at a loss (when I moved in, it was really dirty but I didn't realize it was dirty because it was so dirty I thought the tile was just that color. Once I started seeing a clean spot worn into the dirt in front of the sink I realized the floor wasn't that color, it was actually filthy.) I certainly know that I'll never purchase tile like this and it might be the deciding factor when I buy a house lol (I rent this place).

 

[Suzanne]

Yikes. Suzanne, I mean this in the best possible way - why are you putting up with this? It sounds like he is really not a good husband at all, if he treats you like this. You deserve better!

Thank you, but, there were signs before I married him, but because of some dire issues in my life, where so many who were supposed to be my family, had turned against me, I was frightened and he offered to take care of me and so, sadly, I ignored the disquietning thoughts and went through with the marriage, so because of that, I just keep going and have my faith that helps enourmously.

 

[GrownupGirl]

"I see you have not mopped properly" sounds like he thinks you're his personal slave.

 

[paloftoon]

If stuff isn't coming off and you're cleaning, it would be worth it to invest in a cleaner/maid for an extreme clean to see if they could make it look right.

If that's not an option, have you tried to look online for ideas in addition to this forum?

"If it's tough to remove with just a stiff brush and hot water, then using vinegar, baking soda, or even a hydrogen peroxide solution will get the tougher cleaning job done. Before scrubbing away with the brush, allow 5-10 minutes of time for the dirt and gunk to be removed. Then, simply rinse the remaining debris away."
Googled: "cleaning bathroom floor dirt won't come off"
Reference: How To Clean Tile Floors: The Ultimate Guide (Sep 11, 2020).

'==================

Also, try this- Scrubbing Bubbles. You spray and let the foam sit for 15 minutes. Then wipe real clean. It can be stinky as a for-warning, but seems to work really well.

I've only used it for showers and it works great. It might take repeated efforts. I had to do a thorough cleaning with this product on my shower 5 times, but after the 5th time, I felt like I could "lick" it. I also did this for a friend for her birthday, and it wasn't perfect, but it was 1000 times better. At least if I had to use the tub, I'd actually want to use it, lol.

https://www.amazon.com/Scrubbing-Bu...words=scrubbing+bubbles&qid=1600710018&sr=8-3

 

[Aspychata]

I hate those floors that show dirt after one shower. There are older yucky floors out there that lost their protective coating and tain't much you can do except curse the floor everyday and pray to the new floor god. The good news, bathroom floors are small and easy to recover with a scrap of something from the floor place, with remnants to chose from.

 

[Ylva]

Speaking of psychopaths, could your husband either be one or have some other personality disorder? I know it's not necessary to be anything but neurotypical to be abusive, but knowing might help you deal with him.

 

[Kit]

Fun fact here, many abusers do not have a mental illness. They are actually normal people and only a small percentage of abusers have a disorder. It's quite controversial to mention about someone with a disorder being abusive because of the stigma on mental illnesses. It is true that sometimes abuse can attribute from a disorder but that is pretty rare. Someone can have a disorder and still be abusive and their abuse has nothing to do with their autism or whatsoever. Sometimes it is just learned behavior and that is the fault of the parents and their enablers they have had growing up.

Some people are just mean and they don't have anything wrong with them.

It's not surprising if an abuser claims they cannot control it or that they blank out, Lundy Bancroft wrote a book about it called Why Does He Do That? He wrote in his book how he calls out his clients' behavior on their BS when they make their excuses. He will simply correct them when they make a false claim about their actions. He also wrote how many abusers will purposely find a therapist to agree with them and not speak against their actions because they buy into their excuses and lies.

 

[All-Rounder]

If I said that to him, his response would be: do you think I have time for these things? I work hard and barely have enough time to relax, whereas you have all the time in the world to relax. So, the best I can do, is keep quiet and just deal with it in my own time.

He has time to fight with you. He should spend the time dedicated to criticizing your work to fixing it up to his preference. Anyhow ain't nobody sticking the toilet cleaner in their mouth, so big deal. It probably has something worse than toilet paper on it. But certainly he's not worth being explained that, he's an angry ball.

He needs to figure out where his anger and stress come from and fix it instead of lashing out at you. Things like that happen, he needs to learn to tolerate living with someone. He needs to learn to tolerate your interruptions and stop trying to control everything, especially people, down to even the way they speak. No one can speak the way he wants them to. Each person is their own and have their own mind. He needs to feel in control.

 

[All-Rounder]

It does take a bit of courage, because I fear that he will suddenly come here and read, but the last time he did, was when he first joined, but I knew that would not last and since then, which is about 3 year's ago, he has not been back and if he did pop back, it would be me mentioning it and thus, what I fool I would be to do that lol

I think it's pretty normal to feel upset if he reads such things, things you deal with in the confine of your lifes should be private because no one will truly know all the details to what's going on and be tempted to take sides, but it also is normal for you to have the right and feel safe to reach out for support and get an outside opinion/view.

There sometimes are offers for cheap vip for lifetime. Maybe you can invest in it and write where only vips can read, but those may not get as many replies. But perhaps a little strategy like posting in a normal server and giving the link to it may get more replies, if it doesn't, I don't know. He may see the link but not what it's really discussed.