I have aspergers and I feel everyone in the world is against me. I have no friends in real life and it pains me to say that. The only friends I talk to is on Facebook and they are from high school. I'm a loner and forget relationships. I don't know how to talk to women to save my life and I'm 31 years old. I've hugged, held hands and touched the opposite sex, but I've never kissed or lost my virginity yet. I feel like I'm an invincible to all the people around me, because they don't notice me. I'm in college finishing my bachelors, because I got a late start. I do make good grades, but because of my aspergers my social life is crap. What can I do or is there really anything I can do?
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Am I the only one who feels this way?
- Thread starter BradT
- Start date
Making new friends can be a real challenge, especially so the older you get. Mostly because it's easier to make friends as a kid at school, but there are less circumstances offering a place to meet new people as an adult. At least on a regular basis. Kids are also simpler.
The way to solve the problem depends on finding the cause. There are usually some key reasons people might not talk to someone, so figuring out why would help determine how you can get more opportunities to talk. It may require initiative to begin conversations at times, which can be daunting as many of us would rather be on the receiving end. Initiating conversations is an art form for sure, that takes practise and observation.
The way to solve the problem depends on finding the cause. There are usually some key reasons people might not talk to someone, so figuring out why would help determine how you can get more opportunities to talk. It may require initiative to begin conversations at times, which can be daunting as many of us would rather be on the receiving end. Initiating conversations is an art form for sure, that takes practise and observation.
simetra
Nervous laughter
The first thing I would like to stress is that you are not alone in this. Sure, it does not change your situation itself, but the realization this is not a problem I struggle with all alone lifted some weight off of my shoulders. I've heard so many stories of other people on the spectrum, asserting that they have no friends basically.
However, I also know it is possible to overcome this issue, even though I am not confident I know how to exactly. As Vanilla mentioned, knowing the cause of the situation is a good way to start.
Personally, I seem cold to others. I have a serious case of RBF, and my shyness is therefore often misunderstood as arrogance. When people talk to me nevertheless, oftentimes they are reassured I am arrogant because I usually reply like a robot, apparently. These are things that I find hard to change, so I try to balance them out by being a helpful and humorous person. It takes a lot of time for people to get over the cognitive dissonance I cause them but it works most of the time.
I am by no means a popular person, but the reason for that is my strict withdrawal from social settings because they drain me rather than my lack of social skills at this point. I am lucky to have found accepting friends that still enjoy talking to me even though I'm a hermit, or are on the spectrum themselves and don't care.
Long story short, I guess my best advice is to look for people who share similar character traits (they're rare so it's easier said than done, I know) and to find something you're good at or that makes you likable and sell it (like I started doing with my spontaneous humor). Also, be aware that your being a helpful person is a virtue, but limitless helpfulness will sooner or later be exploited, so it is necessary to fine-tune the dose.
However, I also know it is possible to overcome this issue, even though I am not confident I know how to exactly. As Vanilla mentioned, knowing the cause of the situation is a good way to start.
Personally, I seem cold to others. I have a serious case of RBF, and my shyness is therefore often misunderstood as arrogance. When people talk to me nevertheless, oftentimes they are reassured I am arrogant because I usually reply like a robot, apparently. These are things that I find hard to change, so I try to balance them out by being a helpful and humorous person. It takes a lot of time for people to get over the cognitive dissonance I cause them but it works most of the time.
I am by no means a popular person, but the reason for that is my strict withdrawal from social settings because they drain me rather than my lack of social skills at this point. I am lucky to have found accepting friends that still enjoy talking to me even though I'm a hermit, or are on the spectrum themselves and don't care.
Long story short, I guess my best advice is to look for people who share similar character traits (they're rare so it's easier said than done, I know) and to find something you're good at or that makes you likable and sell it (like I started doing with my spontaneous humor). Also, be aware that your being a helpful person is a virtue, but limitless helpfulness will sooner or later be exploited, so it is necessary to fine-tune the dose.
Wolfgangus Faldestolius
Little notes from an armchair
At 65, I'm a bachelor (so far) and there's not been a woman I was really close to yet. I don't go by looks, when I relate they have got to have mental sparkle, as far as I'm concerned.
I'd say carry on building strengths, don't abandon deep down values you already share with all sorts of people, and don't try to force yourself into superficial categories some other people claim to have. Then give time time - it's always on our side. Don't beat yourself up about inadvertent mistakes.
Admire your own talents. Can you apply what makes you good at accountancy, elsewhere as well? My liking for words, stood me in good stead in my hobbies as well as the job. Most people are aesthetic, how does that combine with your logic? In my home I like open shelving, and most rooms have a small note of green. Are you a spatial thinker?
I'd say carry on building strengths, don't abandon deep down values you already share with all sorts of people, and don't try to force yourself into superficial categories some other people claim to have. Then give time time - it's always on our side. Don't beat yourself up about inadvertent mistakes.
Admire your own talents. Can you apply what makes you good at accountancy, elsewhere as well? My liking for words, stood me in good stead in my hobbies as well as the job. Most people are aesthetic, how does that combine with your logic? In my home I like open shelving, and most rooms have a small note of green. Are you a spatial thinker?
Same.
But it does not hurt as much anymore. Consider carefully having someone around in light of your autism. TV shows a wide range of flexibility in the antagonists. Some go to school and can stand the bells and lights, etc. They always make it seem like it's manageable, but often it's not.
What are your autistic differences?
Mine are extreme. I can't imagine anyone tolerating them or me being able to tolerate living in a way that would force me to try to live with them and not be able to mitigate them.
If you have someone who likes a bright kitchen and you need darkness, or they want to cuddle but you don't like touch or eats in a way that makes your senses hurt-------
Some autistic people can do all those things. Some can't.
I used to dream of relationships. But then it clicked. The basic 2 questions were:
1. Really.....Who could tolerate all my restrictions in the long run, being that they are on the far end?
2. Really.....Could I really pretend they were not there?
Still, it hurts to be alone and to know I won't have someone to make "in-jokes" with, to have memories with, to laugh with. But I also won't have to endure continual sense-assaults that I cannot stop and which even the most kind and careful person would initiate daily.
Best of luck to you, though, because many do find that special someone......
But it does not hurt as much anymore. Consider carefully having someone around in light of your autism. TV shows a wide range of flexibility in the antagonists. Some go to school and can stand the bells and lights, etc. They always make it seem like it's manageable, but often it's not.
What are your autistic differences?
Mine are extreme. I can't imagine anyone tolerating them or me being able to tolerate living in a way that would force me to try to live with them and not be able to mitigate them.
If you have someone who likes a bright kitchen and you need darkness, or they want to cuddle but you don't like touch or eats in a way that makes your senses hurt-------
Some autistic people can do all those things. Some can't.
I used to dream of relationships. But then it clicked. The basic 2 questions were:
1. Really.....Who could tolerate all my restrictions in the long run, being that they are on the far end?
2. Really.....Could I really pretend they were not there?
Still, it hurts to be alone and to know I won't have someone to make "in-jokes" with, to have memories with, to laugh with. But I also won't have to endure continual sense-assaults that I cannot stop and which even the most kind and careful person would initiate daily.
Best of luck to you, though, because many do find that special someone......
I could not make friends or even talk to a girl last year. I concord both this year.
Even though I do feel lonely quite often. When I use to socialize before this pandemic started I found talking to one person easier but when others joined in I felt left out. I also find talking easier especially Girls if they do most of the talking and I listen
I do know because of my Asperger's and my phobia I will never get married or even have an girlfriend but I accepted that even before I made friends last year. Also it is quite difficult to get in a relationship when all the girls are already married. I believe I will be single for life.
Even though I do feel lonely quite often. When I use to socialize before this pandemic started I found talking to one person easier but when others joined in I felt left out. I also find talking easier especially Girls if they do most of the talking and I listen
I do know because of my Asperger's and my phobia I will never get married or even have an girlfriend but I accepted that even before I made friends last year. Also it is quite difficult to get in a relationship when all the girls are already married. I believe I will be single for life.
It sounds like you are doing well to be studying at advanced level, very many people can't do that, so it shows you are talented and have worked to get there. What you are up against is that in our different autistic brains, there is different hard wiring that means we have a bit less to facilitate communication and interpersonal skills, so making and sustaining relationships is harder.
But many many people with autism do have friends and relationships, it helps to be aware of your diagnosis, and to find strategies that work for you, these can be different for each person but you can hopefully get ideas here from others. The way I coped at university was to make friends one by one with people on my floor in the residential accommodation. We are generally better at one to one, catch them on their own!
I also developed a relationship with someone that way. You don't have to be good at communication to listen and nod and say oh that's interesting! People like to be heard, and appreciative listening works well to build relationships. Most people don't really notice they're doing all the talking, and this can work particularly well with quiet people who don't usually get listened to a lot. Look for quiet people and ask them about themselves, then listen.
I hope things look up for you, there's nothing wrong with being how you are, we are all different and a mix of strengths and challenges. There's always a way through.
But many many people with autism do have friends and relationships, it helps to be aware of your diagnosis, and to find strategies that work for you, these can be different for each person but you can hopefully get ideas here from others. The way I coped at university was to make friends one by one with people on my floor in the residential accommodation. We are generally better at one to one, catch them on their own!
I also developed a relationship with someone that way. You don't have to be good at communication to listen and nod and say oh that's interesting! People like to be heard, and appreciative listening works well to build relationships. Most people don't really notice they're doing all the talking, and this can work particularly well with quiet people who don't usually get listened to a lot. Look for quiet people and ask them about themselves, then listen.
I hope things look up for you, there's nothing wrong with being how you are, we are all different and a mix of strengths and challenges. There's always a way through.
Guess looking back at myself, it seems like l had dry spells, then all of the sudden you are everybody's favorite person. Sometimes you fall into a funk about something, then you just don't care in general. What am l trying to say here? Life is difficult to navigate, then try to sustain relationships during school,jobs, etc. Also people find themselves online more then making actual connections. I watched my daughter switch back and forth between friends and then just social media. She actually felt she didn't need a driver license. So the structure of socializing for your demographic has completely changed and the statistical models are showing less bad behaviors. Because everyone is on their phones or computers instead of human interaction and getting into trouble. It feels all most like we are more passive as a society which means l am not out trying to make things happen. So you may need to look at the bigger picture instead of internalizing and thinking you are to blame?
Some of us don't really care about socialising.
I didn't go looking for friends. I just went my own way and if someone should come into my life
that I felt at ease and had interests with, that was fine.
I never felt lonely as long as I had pets and a few people that I really got along with.
As far as relationships of the romantic type, I didn't go looking for those either.
I didn't worry about how old I was or being a virgin. It just didn't matter to me.
I was 23 before I started going out with a guy and even had a first kiss.
Only three out of many did I have very close feelings for.
It was more like having a fun friendship and I knew I would never care for marriage or children
from an early age.
Only now that I am a seniour person do I feel loneliness creeping in.
I live in the same house with someone that I pay affordable rent to for 2 rooms, but, there is no feeling of closeness.
Just someone to be with at times to maybe go out and eat somewhere (when we could), can't right now
due to stay at home and restaurant closures. Or watch a movie with. Now that is on TV for same reason.
And we usually have a bit of conversation over coffee in the mornings.
I don't think I would like being totally alone now.
I didn't go looking for friends. I just went my own way and if someone should come into my life
that I felt at ease and had interests with, that was fine.
I never felt lonely as long as I had pets and a few people that I really got along with.
As far as relationships of the romantic type, I didn't go looking for those either.
I didn't worry about how old I was or being a virgin. It just didn't matter to me.
I was 23 before I started going out with a guy and even had a first kiss.
Only three out of many did I have very close feelings for.
It was more like having a fun friendship and I knew I would never care for marriage or children
from an early age.
Only now that I am a seniour person do I feel loneliness creeping in.
I live in the same house with someone that I pay affordable rent to for 2 rooms, but, there is no feeling of closeness.
Just someone to be with at times to maybe go out and eat somewhere (when we could), can't right now
due to stay at home and restaurant closures. Or watch a movie with. Now that is on TV for same reason.
And we usually have a bit of conversation over coffee in the mornings.
I don't think I would like being totally alone now.
That's great. I think there are a lot of older woman that split expenses and the rental feels safe and comfortable. I think if l find a older female that wants to split a place for costs, l might think about it. After my abusive marriage, being roomies with a strange man who l know nothing about is toooooo stressful
Well, I had friends in high school, but I was never part of a "clique" I should have hung out with them outside of school, but I was uncomfortable going to someone elses house. I guess that doesn't make sense, but it's just how I felt. The problem now is I'm 31 and my peers are in their early 20s or mid 20s. I started college late, because of having problems with my bipolar. I'll be graduating next year with my bachelors, I'm very proud of that accomplishment. I went to a regular relationship forum and they keep telling me once you have your career and are settled in, women will come to you. I'm like, are you serious? The men still have to approach the woman and take the initiative.
I've always felt that way too.
I never felt comfotable in other's houses or comfortable with visitors in mine.
That is why it is so stressful now living with someone else that isn't family in the house.
Actually I live in his house and pay rent for my section of it.
I don't like living alone either, so I'm not really comfortable with my life where ever I live.
I never had the desire to marry or be in a truly close relationship either.
Some people here do want that, others say they don't.
If you felt uncomfortable in someone else's house, did something change?
Or do you feel you will be happier with a partner now? It appears you do want
to find a serious relationship with a woman in your life.
Taira
Cat Person
If you want friends, it's often easier to get them in clubs. The weirder the better, in my experience. The Japan club or Go club in my university were the best. I was never a fan of sports, but some martial arts groups are great. The plave where I found most people to connect with was the capoeira group in the city where I studied, they even had clear social rules that made hugging feel ok. I guess yoga might be a possible way to get used to being around women. People may think you are weird for doing yoga, but if you already have that label, doing more weird stuff won't make it any worse.
Clubs are great for social training, though you might have to shop around a little before finding one where you feel included enough to stay.
I really want to go back to university just so I can have that fun again. Nowadays I only have a couple of online communities, because there are too few people in the area for me to find anyone who shares my interests.
Clubs are great for social training, though you might have to shop around a little before finding one where you feel included enough to stay.
I really want to go back to university just so I can have that fun again. Nowadays I only have a couple of online communities, because there are too few people in the area for me to find anyone who shares my interests.
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