Am I relatable? I’m in need of understanding

[ThomasB]

Hello, my name is Tom and I’m 30 years old. For a very long time I’ve often wondered why I have felt different to most people, socially, and as a result I’ve been bullied through school, withdrawn from family and looked at like a weirdo. I will let you guys know a type of difference I experience in my day to day lifestyle.

I wake up on a working day, with the feeling of such a great task of getting up and ready to head out the door. Before I actually get up, I feel extreme anxiety and my head starts worrying by ruminating about the consequences if I don’t make the effort (eg. manager will fire me, girlfriend will break up with me, panic attacks will happen). I discipline myself everyday, naturally to take off to work at the same time, specific to the second, and upon arrival at work I’m sat in my car feeling incredible anxiety away from the entrance so I can have my alone time. I exit the car at the same time specific to the second to approach the entrance to my workplace every day too. If I leave early or late, I’ll feel like I’m making a mistake and will often ruminate on the consequences again. If I make a mistake, I will always beat myself up.. brutally. I have very low self esteem and not a lot of confidence.

I also often have feelings of negativity, thus, I contemplate with thoughts of suicide on a daily basis and would say I come across as neurotic when talking to loved ones. Furthermore, when faced with social situations, especially with strangers, I often mask my true personality, so I attempt a forced personality with a fake smile, and when I talk I’m struggling to think of anything worth to say and the effort hurts me internally wondering if I’m doing it correctly because my true personality will probably annoy people, or make people avoid me. When coming home from work I crash out, recharging my batteries and getting that much needed quiet time. As I’m often a quiet person, the solidarity is blissful and that is my comfort zone. I then focus my energy in researching, or watching bizarre videos on YouTube about how things work, to the finest detail.

My question is does anyone also experience this on the social level? And does my lifestyle at work and home correlate with autistic traits? I am just very curious to know if there is a straight clear cut reason for my behaviours. Am I textbook?

I’m currently awaiting a formal diagnosis for autism after filling in a score sheet. I came out pretty high with a 51 I believe, out of 58.

I was never diagnosed as a child and my upbringing was strict, whereby I was naturally submissive to daily tasks set out by my parents, and was able to do them exceedingly well.

I have recently taken 4 IQ tests online. They were thorough tests with legitimate questions of logical reasoning. I have averaged out at 119 which is regarded as above average, But not high intelligence.

 

[James45]

Hi Tom, I am 45 years old and just recently diagnosed, what you describe is very similar to my experience of daily life. I too am still trying to find out if these are autistic traits, from what I have learnt so far I think they are. Life is somewhat exhausting, however I am finding the best way through is not to judge or try to change these thought/behaviour patterns but accept them. Suicidal thoughts, blissful solitude, recharging, exceptional timekeeping are very familiar to me.

I would be happy to discuss this at further length with you if you wanted.

 

[Suzette]

Hi ThomasB, welcome to the forum.

I exit the car at the same time specific to the second to approach the entrance to my workplace every day too. If I leave early or late, I’ll feel like I’m making a mistake and will often ruminate on the consequences again. If I make a mistake, I will always beat myself up.. brutally. I have very low self esteem and not a lot of confidence

This could be OCD. OCD can be a comorbidity of ASD. I can't elaborate further as I am new to learning about ASD myself. But from childhood to early middle age I had my own "quirks" . My most difficult one was not being able to continue writing on paper if I had made a mistake. Erasing wasn't good enough. I would have to start over with fresh, new, paper. I couldn't even turn my paper over and use the back side.
Obviously this created quite a problem in school. It was a nightmare when a teacher gave me work sheets. Every stray mark seemed like huge black flaw. Since I couldn't get new work sheets I would have to erase but my anxiety meant that I wrote really, really hard and my writing could not be erased.
Anyway, this problem eased up after I left school and the digital age means that I seldom have to write on paper today. I am still nervous about making mistakes but I rarely have to write anything I don't know well.

I also often have feelings of negativity, thus, I contemplate with thoughts of suicide on a daily basis and would say I come across as neurotic when talking to loved ones.

This sounds like depression. That is perfectly understandable and not unusual with comorbidities of autism and possibly OCD. I am not qualified to offer any kind of help.
But suicide ideation is quite serious and you shouldn't ignore this. But I know when I was depressed dealing with a psychologist or therapist just seemed like another burden, especially because finding the right professional can be difficult.

For myself, being on my own without support of friends or family, I found a small spark of hope and just kept feeding it, while at the same tine trying to starve my negative thoughts of energy. I read a lot of self help books and learned to practice mindfulness. These things helped tremendously. It took a few years but I was able to cure my depression this way. Hopefully others on the forum will chime in.

Start reading the various threads on the forum. You will find you are not unusual here. This is a great place to learn about yourself. You can really "let it all hang out" without worrying that anyone will condemn you for anything! This is the safest place on the net IMO.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

I have averaged out at 119 which is regarded as above average, But not high intelligence.

FYI, that average is only relevant if your highest and lowest scores were relatively close to your average score.
Also, non-verbal IQ tests (like Ravens Matrices) tend to be a more accurate measure of IQ among autistics.

But I know when I was depressed dealing with a psychologist or therapist just seemed like another burden, especially because finding the right professional can be difficult.

@ThomasB, if you are in the USA, see Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I think you are very courageous and well on your way down the right path. It is not easy to talk about these things, I admire you for your courage.

There is really very limited value in self diagnosis. All that it is good for is in eliminating possibilities I think. Maybe not even that. You see none of us can be objective about ourselves, we cant observe ourselves.

So, in addition to symptoms and behaviors and situations, there is more that is you. Your eating habits, your patterns of exercise, your choices in entertainment, and many other things are important clues about what is going on with you.

Document as much as you can, within reason. Do you have to go back inside and check to see if you remembered to shut something off, five times? Write that down. Things like that are vital information to a clinical person. How you feel generally. It will be a type of journal. Tell the truth in it, as well as you can.

I started with the county mental health office, when I decided to take charge of my own well being and stop being a victim. That's typically a good place to start.

You likely should not expect instant answers or immediate progress. It may well take you several sessions just learning to talk about the wad of notes you brought with you but then are too embarrassed to speak of.

If you are honest, and forthcoming and you have the right sort of person to talk to, a greater understanding of yourself will start to form. It's a gradual process.

As long as you follow the rules here, which is basically about being courteous and polite, no one will mind if you come around. Please be kind.
Welcome to the forum

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@ThomasB,...welcome,...you're amongst friends here. Yes, many of us can relate at some level.

Some great advice above.

The OCD/OCD-like behavior, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, depression, etc...commonly associated with autism. These are often psychological and psychiatric co-morbidities. Symptoms are secondary to problems. That said, within the context of autism, many of these symptoms are secondary to areas of altered neuronal formation and migrational patterns,...that, in turn, can lead to heterogeneous connectivity and connectivity,...that, in turn can lead to heterogeneous excitatory and inhibitory imbalances in neurotransmitters,...that, in turn, can lead to areas of pro-oxidant-to-anti-oxidant imbalance. In other words, much of this has an anatomical and physiological-biochemical etiology. But, there is some things we can do,...and depending upon what the specifics of our autism phenotype, some combination of diet, exercise, therapy, and medications will optimize function. The limitations in what "optimum function" is,...will be individualized based upon our specific phenotype (several types of autism) and brain structure. Psychologically, within the context and perspective of autism, you have to put yourself in a mindset that this is due to structural issues within the brain,...no different than someone born with a structurally abnormal heart or kidney,...its another organ. Psychologically, human beings have a difficult time dealing with differences, especially between ourselves,...that's another huge topic. Part of mitigating the psychological and psychiatric experience is taking steps to understand that you are different, you're not a bad person, accepting yourself, and just like someone with issues with kidneys, hearts, and pancreases,...you're going to have to take care of yourself. Be aware of what you put into your body,...it does matter.

This is getting a bit long here,...

Do Google scholar, PubMed, Medline search on "autism diets", "antioxidants and autism", "melatonin and autism", to start. There are also autism specific organizations that have helpful articles of specific topics. My personal bias would be to get yourself "dialed in" physically,...therapy, as needed, next,...before taking that last step towards medications,...which you may ultimately need.

It's a journey and a process. If you're an adult,...you likely have a lot of past-life "baggage" to deal with,...welcome to the club. You can't go through life looking behind you,...eyes forward,...what happened, happened. One shouldn't minimize those experiences,...it has shaped who you are,...but future experiences will, as well,...so make those future experiences as good as possible.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Welcome.
I think that your having a set routine is an attempt to have some control even if only over the small things when you feel like you have little. Controlling our environment and ourselves and interacting within that environment is a way to combat our anxiety. Try shifting your focus from control to "what choices do I have right now?" Knowing that we have choices and we can choose what we need and that will be of benefit to us is giving us control over our lives. We have choices every single minute of every single day. Try living in that moment and make a choice there. Knowing we can make choices sets us free. It is being procative rather than reactive.

 

[QuestJan]

My question is does anyone also experience this on the social level? And does my lifestyle at work and home correlate with autistic traits? I am just very curious to know if there is a straight clear cut reason for my behaviours. Am I textbook?

I’m currently awaiting a formal diagnosis for autism after filling in a score sheet. I came out pretty high with a 51 I believe, out of 58.

If one does not experience challenges on the social level, then one is not autistic

I was not bullied at school because it was the 50s and I could simply take them out. Bullies are just cowards picking on the vulnerable and so left me alone but when I became an employee the bullying was always an issue

FYI, that average is only relevant if your highest and lowest scores were relatively close to your average score.
Also, non-verbal IQ tests (like Ravens Matrices) tend to be a more accurate measure of IQ among autistics.

Thank you, @Crossbreed. The 68.2% ("normal" area of the bell curve) are flatliners (all scores falling in a line between SS=85-115).

We zig-zag displaying spikes (splinter skills). This is helpful information for us to identify the strengths that will carry our weaker skills to beat the autism level of the game of life

The 68.2% just see it as pathology. They will also disregard any of the non-verbal scores and hyper-focus on the lowest verbal, but you can benefit from getting this info

The 68.2% reject those who do not conform to their social groups across family, school, work settings and they are suspicious of differences. They build systemic prejudice in all they do like a protective cocoon. They will trap you with labels (autistic, OCD, depressed, etc.). It does not matter if you're kind, polite, and quiet - they will only see that you are different and assume that you're untrustworthy.

And most importantly, the "autism experts" assume you are a disease that needs eradication and all therapy & treatment stems from this perspective. This makes them systemically abusive. They often do immense harm to autistics' very souls

Take it or leave it, my advice is to

• be as independent as possible (so you can have the space & time needed to regenerate)
• do not believe their lies about you; they will use labels like straight jackets and try to gaslight you into submission
• play it like any virtual game (assume there will be villains to manage, play like hell, die, get back in the game with your newfound skills, and you will beat the challenging autism level)
• be proud of being autistic: Your brain is a treasure, your perspective unique, and all world-changing projects were accomplished by autistics because of our natural, inborn superpower: intense narrow interests that are not diluted by social distractions.
• try to forgive the ignorant 68.2%, they know not what they do
• always seek joy

 

[tree]

 

[Aspychata]

@ThomasB

Welcome to the site.

When l read your anixety about being fired at work, breaking up with your other, saying the wrong thing- yes yes yes.

But with more jobs, a few more guys, and more social interactions- the intensity dialed way down especially in my 40's. However l have taken antidepressants and anxiety meds a little bit throughout my life bubble.

Antidepressants have so many horrible side effects so you get on them for a little bit, adjust your serotonin, then get off it after a couple of months or your doc's recommendation. Maybe you are a candidate for OCD therapy and meds?
But l do agree that l wanted to control my interactions as much as possible however, that is less of an issue since l am no longer married or raising a child. For the longest time in life, l always had an escape plan for when a social function was just too much for me. I needed to be able to leave immedately.

And more amazing, those endless ruminations about people breaking up with me and getting fired. Those l still grapple with to some extent. I have food issues, so l can be anal about food choices.

Good luck and thanks for sharing that opening post. I so wish l had wrote that. Excellent job putting all those messy feelings down. YOU nailed it.☺

 

[ThomasB]

I’ve just come back on to this site and I am overwhelmed (in a good way) of all the positive and helpful responses. This has definitely gave me more light on my experiences by allowing the time to share a bit about all yourselves too. I appreciate that a lot.

I do find it somewhat interesting that I have never considered giving myself any options whilst I’m in a state of anxiety followed by social interaction. My fight or flight responses go numb and I feel submissive to please others. I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much, and consequently, it’s led me to be the victim of emotionally abusive relationships. And I never learn from this behaviour either.

maybe making a plan of action before undertaking the strenuous task of social interaction would benefit me in the long term. I would have to have ‘options’ available engrained in me because naturally I feel like I don’t and get overwhelmed with fear and doom.

I’d definitely like to know more about other people’s experiences. Because I’ve always thought I was alone… different. But now I’m seeing a very common correlation between this community. As though Im feeling accepted and understood easily.

 

[ThomasB]

If one does not experience challenges on the social level, then one is not autistic

I was not bullied at school because it was the 50s and I could simply take them out. Bullies are just cowards picking on the vulnerable and so left me alone but when I became an employee the bullying was always an issue



Thank you, @Crossbreed. The 68.2% ("normal" area of the bell curve) are flatliners (all scores falling in a line between SS=85-115).

We zig-zag displaying spikes (splinter skills). This is helpful information for us to identify the strengths that will carry our weaker skills to beat the autism level of the game of life

The 68.2% just see it as pathology. They will also disregard any of the non-verbal scores and hyper-focus on the lowest verbal, but you can benefit from getting this info

The 68.2% reject those who do not conform to their social groups across family, school, work settings and they are suspicious of differences. They build systemic prejudice in all they do like a protective cocoon. They will trap you with labels (autistic, OCD, depressed, etc.). It does not matter if you're kind, polite, and quiet - they will only see that you are different and assume that you're untrustworthy.

And most importantly, the "autism experts" assume you are a disease that needs eradication and all therapy & treatment stems from this perspective. This makes them systemically abusive. They often do immense harm to autistics' very souls

Take it or leave it, my advice is to

• be as independent as possible (so you can have the space & time needed to regenerate)
• do not believe their lies about you; they will use labels like straight jackets and try to gaslight you into submission
• play it like any virtual game (assume there will be villains to manage, play like hell, die, get back in the game with your newfound skills, and you will beat the challenging autism level)
• be proud of being autistic: Your brain is a treasure, your perspective unique, and all world-changing projects were accomplished by autistics because of our natural, inborn superpower: intense narrow interests that are not diluted by social distractions.
• try to forgive the ignorant 68.2%, they know not what they do
• always seek joy

Thank you so much for your reply. You have said some very useful information and I have digested it willingly. I remembered that I did do the Ravens matrices test as aforementioned. That was the first IQ test I attempted. I didn’t hesitate when choosing my answers either as I have a good eye for little detail in the patterns, and subsequently scored high.

 

[Aspychata]

Think being truthful helps. Question people about their motives. Tell people you don't feel comfortable doing something- so flat out no.

Realise if you feel pushed into a corner, get up and walk away until you feel more in control of yourself. I have gotten up and just walked out of situations that involved a feeling of manipulation.

The last one was a real estate agent that was pushing a place on me that l hated the surrounding neighbors. I just told her yes, its beautiful but it's not for me.

 

[QuestJan]

My fight or flight responses go numb and I feel submissive to please others. I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much, and consequently, it’s led me to be the victim of emotionally abusive relationships.

Well said, @ThomasB.

This was me until my late 30s when PTSD trauma hit me upside the head hard enough to ignite the fight/flight. Now its hard to turn it off. I try to find balance between the two, but it is challenging to stay on the path.

 

[ThomasB]

Think being truthful helps. Question people about their motives. Tell people you don't feel comfortable doing something- so flat out no.

Realise if you feel pushed into a corner, get up and walk away until you feel more in control of yourself. I have gotten up and just walked out of situations that involved a feeling of manipulation.

The last one was a real estate agent that was pushing a place on me that l hated the surrounding neighbors. I just told her yes, its beautiful but it's not for me.

You couldn’t be more correct. I’m fully aware of it but in the heat of the moment, I feel undervalued and inferior.

facial cues are becoming increasingly hard to understand. I can get affected to the most subtle facial reaction, and I blow up my thoughts with such extreme negativity.

 

[ThomasB]

Well said, @ThomasB.

This was me until my late 30s when PTSD trauma hit me upside the head hard enough to ignite the fight/flight. Now its hard to turn it off. I try to find balance between the two, but it is challenging to stay on the path.

Thank you for sharing that. That must have been a difficult and tiring situation such as when I feel that too. My thoughts manifest and go out of control because I’m overanalysing every single thing. I often develop chronic headaches as a result. Luckily I can stabilise the pain with over the counter medication such as ibuprofen.

I do find it challenging. I have to consume what little energy I have to try to mask myself and to keep an appearance, and to commit with small talk. I find those conversations under stimulating and I find very limited responses. When it’s like that I feel like I don’t fit into society then I crash down with awful thoughts again. I have always disliked this thought pattern and I’ve always ever wanted to feel accepted around people. I like to philosophise on various subjects and would love to talk to them to people but I feel as though I bore the conversation with all the details. I have attempted conversations like that with some people but no conversation ever flows and it brings about an awkward disposition. So that’s why I keep quiet most times. Sometimes I’m silent for a day. That hurts me.

 

[Aspychata]

If you feel inferior then you would be better off working on yourself. Thinking about why do you feel devalued? Parents, friends? Self-talk perhaps, does your internal voice give you a playback of negative messages?

Then you need to break that habit and start with a postitive affirmations. I am a valuable human being. I worthy of respect. If you chose not to honor this, then l have a boundary in place that says we shouldn't have further interaction or it should be limited interaction.

You may need to establish boundaries in your life and stick to them. Do you have boundaries that you rely on to get you thru your day?
1. If someone asks me something l feel uncomfortable about (l tell them l will get back to them /No is what you are really saying).
2. If someone makes me feel less than, l have a right to leave the situation or ask them to stop talking to me.

Hope this generates your own ideas. You may wish to buy a book on effective boundaries and how to set them.

 

[ThomasB]

If you feel inferior then you would be better off working on yourself. Thinking about why do you feel devalued? Parents, friends? Self-talk perhaps, does your internal voice give you a playback of negative messages?

Then you need to break that habit and start with a postitive affirmations. I am a valuable human being. I worthy of respect. If you chose not to honor this, then l have a boundary in place that says we shouldn't have further interaction or it should be limited interaction.

You may need to establish boundaries in your life and stick to them. Do you have boundaries that you rely on to get you thru your day?
1. If someone asks me something l feel uncomfortable about (l tell them l will get back to them /No is what you are really saying).
2. If someone makes me feel less than, l have a right to leave the situation or ask them to stop talking to me.

Hope this generates your own ideas. You may wish to buy a book on effective boundaries and how to set them.

It all started when I was a child. I was never given any opportunity to develop my own choices. I was always looked down upon and thus it had developed into something greater through adulthood. There are times where I can set boundaries, but most of the time I leave them open subconsciously. Thank you for your reply. I know it’s an issue that needs fixing and I can use your knowledge to bolster my resolve in social situations.

 

[Aspychata]

If you find inner strength, then people's facial responses won't matter. Some people do strange things with their face because of medication, or subconscious facial tics. I ignore the face, and concentrate on the words or what the person isn't saying. What is the underlying msg? Look away or look at their eyebrows. Eyebrows will help you look like you are looking at them. Or the center between the eyebrows until you move past the fixation with the face. It happens, don't stress, just change your habit and look up or away or at your hands, you can do this. It might take a week. Can you find free counseling to deal with childhood issues? Good luck. You are on the road to changing this behaviour.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I’ve just come back on to this site and I am overwhelmed (in a good way) of all the positive and helpful responses. This has definitely gave me more light on my experiences by allowing the time to share a bit about all yourselves too. I appreciate that a lot.

I do find it somewhat interesting that I have never considered giving myself any options whilst I’m in a state of anxiety followed by social interaction. My fight or flight responses go numb and I feel submissive to please others. I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much, and consequently, it’s led me to be the victim of emotionally abusive relationships. And I never learn from this behaviour either.

maybe making a plan of action before undertaking the strenuous task of social interaction would benefit me in the long term. I would have to have ‘options’ available engrained in me because naturally I feel like I don’t and get overwhelmed with fear and doom.

I’d definitely like to know more about other people’s experiences. Because I’ve always thought I was alone… different. But now I’m seeing a very common correlation between this community. As though Im feeling accepted and understood easily.

Frankly, I am both alike and different. My work was where I could be myself as I was pretty competent. My anxiety there was always about doing my best and many times I felt that I had to run just to stay even. Socially, though, I was a mess. At my lowest point (about age 25) I felt whipsawed by other people's expectations of me, trying to please people just to get along. (family blog) that! So I did a deep dive into self help to find my own voice, like myself, and be able to advocate for myself. Even finding my own agency helped little with socializing until I unabashedly enjoyed and acted on my interests. Lots of unforced errors and it took time to be sociable as myself. I figure that my social maturity was profoundly delayed, and may still be problematic.