Am I a unattractive person?

[Aspychata]

Q. How does a woman please a man? A. Bring food and show up naked.

You might be onto something there.

I can't tell you how many times a guy has told me to take off my clothes. Lol Definitely my ND boyfriend thinks l should walk around this way.

 

[Vindiesel]

People are searching for someone that ticks all their boxes. Then they realize that person doesn’t exist.

Keep trying… short and sweet profiles are best. Mystery drives curiosity.

There is someone for everyone. That I do believe is true.

 

[mysterionz]

I believe the same for myself too sadly.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I agree with @Neonatal RRT that one must present well to give a woman reason to get to know you. One baits the hook with your style, your ability to converse, and finally being able to project potential, whether through your work, your interests, or your lifestyle.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Q. How does a woman please a man? A. Bring food and show up naked.

You might be onto something there.

Well, my future spouse really got my attention when we first met in real life by her treatment of me. I showed up on her doorstep, filthy, in a Mickey Mouse wife beater, after a day of fossil collecting. I saw her and thought, so svelt, mmm, so clean. She welcomed me, let me clean up, and then prepared some real COMFORT FOOD for dinner, a Tuna Noodle casserole: Just what I needed. She positively impressed me with her cooking and she didn't even need to get naked.

 

[Hypnalis]

Aspies (but especially males of course) have to work harder than otherwise equivalent NTs in the brutally competitive mating game.

A lot of male Aspies have body language that initially registers as "not quite right" to NTs, which increases the chance of instant rejection (including e.g. the frequency of false "I have a boyfriend" responses).
The negative perception happens within the 100 millisecond "first impression" interval.

I suspect the same is true for the verbal opening (men have to start almost all of the conversions).

Note - I'm confident about the body language comment, because I can often identify a fellow Aspie from across a room, or from a photograph or video (e.g. online meetings), and that's testable - if we talk (e.g. work together for a while) I usually ask them or they tell me (I'm in IT - we don't need to hide ASD).

For comparison about body language, if any of you have sisters or now-adult daughters, you've probably seen them practicing facial expressions and specific "mating game" moves (like the "elbow up, flip hair back" /lol) in a mirror. The point: this a general area where we start out with a deficit, and it's important enough to NT's that they actively work to improve themselves.

None of us has an obligation to try to "catch up", but not doing so has consequences that particularly affect first contact with a potential romantic partner.

And there's a "Dunning-Kruger (**)" element here too - people can't judge the effects of doing or not doing something they're not aware of.

**
"Dunning-Kruger" (see wikipedia if it's a new thing) is often used by airheads as an insult to suggest a lack of general intelligence, but that's not what it means.

It's about the effect of not having specific knowledge or skills.

Clearly most people know very little about most things - perhaps we have a few things we're very good at, a few tens we're ok at, etc. But there are hundreds of thousands of things we could be good at but aren't.

Dunning-Kruger is a cognitive bias. Knowing about it helps you understand your limitations in contextualizing things in knowledge domains that you're not very good at. Which is most of them of course, so it applies to everyone for most domains.

Learning about it teaches you to ask "control questions" a bit more often - definitely a useful skill in itself, though it's hard to be perfect at it

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Also most woman who talk to me are married or are my mother's age. I also have extreme difficulties finding single woman to begin with. All the places I go to they have boyfriends or husbands.

 

[Hypnalis]

A common response from a single woman to a man they don't find attractive who has approached them is to say they have a boyfriend.

I've seen it recommended in web sites more than once. The recommendations included advising against anything I'd call an honest response. In at least one case there was an explanation that looked reasonable (or rather, not unreasonable /lol).

It follows that for some men, almost all the possible romantic partners they meet are either married, actually have a boyfriend, "have a boyfriend" or (in a few cases) "claim they're married".

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Also most woman who talk to me are married or are my mother's age. I also have extreme difficulties finding single woman to begin with. All the places I go to they have boyfriends or husbands.

Well, if that is true, then logic would suggest you're not looking in the right places. Time to move away from your comfort zones.

 

[Vindiesel]

Tinder, bumble and plenty of fish apps I have had great success on.

Meeting people in person at this point is a rarity. You approach any random person in real life they are very apprehensive and or find that off-putting.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Well, if that is true, then logic would suggest you're not looking in the right places. Time to move away from your comfort zones.

I though church, groups, yoga, parks and gym was getting out of my comfort zone. If that's not then what is? Really.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

A common response from a single woman to a man they don't find attractive who has approached them is to say they have a boyfriend.

I've seen it recommended in web sites more than once. The recommendations included advising against anything I'd call an honest response. In at least one case there was an explanation that looked reasonable (or rather, not unreasonable /lol).

It follows that for some men, almost all the possible romantic partners they meet are either married, actually have a boyfriend, "have a boyfriend" or (in a few cases) "claim they're married".

when I had rooming house I asked one woman for a date she said she had a boyfriend so later I asked a second woman tenant. we are now married . the first woman to this day is single. Good friend,

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Well, if that is true, then logic would suggest you're not looking in the right places. Time to move away from your comfort zones.

Exactly Right! I was never into the bar or club scene. Activity groups are where I found single women who shared my interests. The Michigan Minerological Society and Sierra Club Outings had quirky and accepting people and I practiced being social there. And I eventually met my future spouse on a National outing. We both did not make much money and went on an inexpensive service trip where we did trail maintenance.

 

[Judge]

I thought church, groups, yoga, parks and gym was getting out of my comfort zone. If that's not then what is? Really.

For many of us, we have no real comfort zone other than socializing with those we already know.

Which is a key reason in my own case that I did not date in the conventional sense, and that the few relationships I had occurred as a result of being good friends with women over time. With no expectations or awkward moments other than to enjoy the company of others. Where on rare occasion friendship blossomed into something more.

That's the only way I have ever been able to establish relationships with women. Was I just lucky, or persistent in being friends with women ? Friends or lovers, I have always preferred the company of women. As a suitor or date, I would- and did "crash and burn".

As a friend...in a few instances it proved to be a very different situation. Where looks did not count much...if at all.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

This is the face I grew up with my entire life. I am asking because in college I was completely ignored by girls with this face which was one of the factors of poor grades and me dropping out.

 

[Vindiesel]

The only deal with friend through a friend and other close social circles or gatherings may give you someone that believes in the same idealogies if you date them....but the grand scheme of things is potentially dating someone that has opposite ideologies they believe that ying and yang your growth and being secure in your beliefs independently but share a common ground to push forward.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

keep in mind both sexes have different things that make them attractive to each other. Men are in general more visual. The reason breasts are the secondary sexual area men notice.

Secondary? What's the firstary?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Don't say that Tony, you aren't the elephant man. I know you get depressed, but you can't blame it on your looks. Do you think you suffer from low -grade depression? Depression can make you turn inwards and blame yourself for everything wrong. So you have to step outside of you to look at your feelings. I hope l haven't overstepped any boundaries here. It's only offered in kindness.

I agree with your words. Depression is a monster and makes one feel things they wouldn't otherwise about themselves.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Secondary? What's the firstary?

genitals need I say more

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I agree with your words. Depression is a monster and makes one feel things they wouldn't otherwise about themselves.

I have been talking Topiramate two months now. It helped with my depression greatly until this past week I turned 46 then the encounter with three women in relationships put me in a big depression. Now I also have major tunnel vision again that every woman around my age or younger is in a relationship. I also snap at the littlest thing now, like I use too.