i have an alcohol problem. over the years i've reflected a lot on why i need alcohol so much more than others, and i've determined its because its one of the only things that enables me to enjoy being around large groups of people. i'm not shy, but i find it incredibly tiring to carry on regular conversations sober with people i don't know well. i'm never really sure when its my turn to speak. i also don't see the point in small talk, or talking to people about things that don't interest me. people often think i'm cold, mean, or don't like them because i don't talk to them. but its usually just because i have nothing to say. i also don't know how to approach people and start a conversation in a fluid, natural way. when i'm drunk i feel like all of these things are easier.
examining these issues lead me to asperger's. i've never been diagnosed with anything, but i think i have a lot of asperger traits. a few:
-i get immersed in things far more than the average person. as a child i was obsessed with fantasy novels, computers, and drawing horses. at 10/11 i had around a dozen websites. i am still very fascinated by computer programming and software, and i program for fun. often i don't get really obsessed with one particular thing, but i will spend hours, days, or weeks reading information about random things others don't care about. i'm actually known for my tendency to know (and blurt out) random useless facts.
-as a kid my teachers suspected i was hearing impaired because i would completely ignore them. i even had to get sent to a specialist, who tested me and determined my hearing was actually much better than average. after that teachers just thought i was daydreamy. despite this apparent lack of attention, i did exceptionally well in every subject.
-as a kid i had very strict eating routines. for awhile there were only 6 or so meals i would eat. i was also very fussy with my clothing, and would throw tantrums if things didn't fit "right."
-i put a heavy emphasis on what is logical and almost completely ignore emotional aspects to problems. i've been called "robotic" because of this. i don't understand why anyone makes decisions based on their feelings, which i find unreliable and usually irrelevant.
-i'm very inclined towards towards science, math and technology (i have a bachelors in math). not sure if this is specifically asperger-y, but it seems common.
-i have very low empathy. seeing my loved ones cry doesn't upset me, and its always confused me when people say things like "i'm so excited for you!" (until recently i was under the impression this was only a figure of speech). if i try to imagine myself going through what they are going through, i can imagine how i'd feel, but i don't feel for them. i do still care, though. i don't want people to be sad or hurt, and i do try to cheer them up when they are, i just simply can't get emotionally invested in their problems.
-i think because of the empathy thing^ others often view me as selfish or cold. i don't think i'm either. i think of others and have good intentions, i just don't reach out to people when i should. random gestures of kindness seem very unnatural.
-i'm terrible at vocalizing my feelings. even saying stuff like "i really appreciate you listening" seems terribly awkward to me. however, i can usually articulate my feelings relatively well in writing.
-i have a very good memory for facts, but a terrible one for faces. if i haven't seen a person in a couple years i can hardly recognize them. i realize they're from somewhere but can't quite recall where.
-as a kid i was put into speech therapy because i spoke strangely, apparently i sounded like i had a weird accent. i speak normally now, but monotonously with little inflection (or so others tell me).
what do you guys think? i identify with a lot of aspergers but i also feel like someone would have noticed if i really was on the spectrum. generally people just think i'm weird, nerdy, or a girl exhibiting "typical masculine" characteristics. does anyone else relate?
examining these issues lead me to asperger's. i've never been diagnosed with anything, but i think i have a lot of asperger traits. a few:
-i get immersed in things far more than the average person. as a child i was obsessed with fantasy novels, computers, and drawing horses. at 10/11 i had around a dozen websites. i am still very fascinated by computer programming and software, and i program for fun. often i don't get really obsessed with one particular thing, but i will spend hours, days, or weeks reading information about random things others don't care about. i'm actually known for my tendency to know (and blurt out) random useless facts.
-as a kid my teachers suspected i was hearing impaired because i would completely ignore them. i even had to get sent to a specialist, who tested me and determined my hearing was actually much better than average. after that teachers just thought i was daydreamy. despite this apparent lack of attention, i did exceptionally well in every subject.
-as a kid i had very strict eating routines. for awhile there were only 6 or so meals i would eat. i was also very fussy with my clothing, and would throw tantrums if things didn't fit "right."
-i put a heavy emphasis on what is logical and almost completely ignore emotional aspects to problems. i've been called "robotic" because of this. i don't understand why anyone makes decisions based on their feelings, which i find unreliable and usually irrelevant.
-i'm very inclined towards towards science, math and technology (i have a bachelors in math). not sure if this is specifically asperger-y, but it seems common.
-i have very low empathy. seeing my loved ones cry doesn't upset me, and its always confused me when people say things like "i'm so excited for you!" (until recently i was under the impression this was only a figure of speech). if i try to imagine myself going through what they are going through, i can imagine how i'd feel, but i don't feel for them. i do still care, though. i don't want people to be sad or hurt, and i do try to cheer them up when they are, i just simply can't get emotionally invested in their problems.
-i think because of the empathy thing^ others often view me as selfish or cold. i don't think i'm either. i think of others and have good intentions, i just don't reach out to people when i should. random gestures of kindness seem very unnatural.
-i'm terrible at vocalizing my feelings. even saying stuff like "i really appreciate you listening" seems terribly awkward to me. however, i can usually articulate my feelings relatively well in writing.
-i have a very good memory for facts, but a terrible one for faces. if i haven't seen a person in a couple years i can hardly recognize them. i realize they're from somewhere but can't quite recall where.
-as a kid i was put into speech therapy because i spoke strangely, apparently i sounded like i had a weird accent. i speak normally now, but monotonously with little inflection (or so others tell me).
what do you guys think? i identify with a lot of aspergers but i also feel like someone would have noticed if i really was on the spectrum. generally people just think i'm weird, nerdy, or a girl exhibiting "typical masculine" characteristics. does anyone else relate?