Abusive Upbringing

[Booknerd515]

Yes, I experienced abuse of multiple forms. At one point (probably in my early childhood), I had a physical assault most likely at school which I do not remember many details about it and talking about it any more would make me more anxious. I do think both my parents show autism signs because they have difficulty with social skills still and are very nerdy like myself but not quite as much as I am. My brother and I are both diagnosed high functioning on the spectrum, though we are not friends anymore because his one main interest (desktop video games), makes me motion sick so I cannot take part in them with him. His second is a mature tv show which I've seen all the way through, though some of the episodes give me panic attacks so I don't want to mention it anymore. My mom also has undiagnosed ADHD since she is very hyperactive and my brother has it diagnosed since his is more prominent.

I never had any friends at school since I couldn't talk properly until high school due to major speech issues. My schools were also predominately Christian even though they were public schools, and due to me being not religious (along with having parents who were from two different religions), I was pretty much ostracized socially but luckily not bullied even though that also sucks and can certainly be a trauma for those that go through it since it is something that should not exist. Due to how my mental health is, I tend to have immense depression ever since last year and I constantly feel fear so much so I don't remember what happiness is. I cannot close my eyes without having a panic attack unless I go into a sleep hypnosis-like state when I'm trying to sleep. I never feel safe anywhere I am and I always am very hypervigilant so I have to look at my surroundings otherwise I will feel very on edge and fidgety.

There's other things I experienced in the past that I don't want to say on here since I'm not comfortable with doing so otherwise my internet access will probably get restricted if I do. Several doctors have suggested that I have PTSD along with possible treatments I could have due to the severity of my symptoms - that is why I have it in my signature, since I have experienced flashbacks before along with many other symptoms (including many entity-guardian like alternate personalities with blackouts which can be related). My main coping mechanism is reading, which I took up because I am in large part an introvert and I read so fast it shocks people sometimes as most find that unusual for someone with autism. If books didn't exist, I probably wouldn't still be alive.

 

[James45]

I look for childood memories to help. For example: until about 10 or so I had a prefered and limited diet. I had a preference for one type of shoe and could not stand any rough ir stiff fabric nor anything close to my neck. I was a very early reader. I lined my stuffed animals along the side of my bed and would cry because the last ones were too far away and missing me. I was painfully shy. I wet the bed regularly past age 8. I also could find any lost object because I saw the details and remembered them.
You get the idea. The point here us to try to build a relevant profile unrelated to abuse. In my case this is easyish to do as there us a diffinative line between before and after abuse began.

Thanks that is an interesting way of looking at it.

 

[Martha Ferris]

My father was sexist. A product of his time. My brothers followed his lead. Females were just things; sex objects. I became one when I was nine because of my fathers attitude. That was when I lost my humainity. It has impacted me for the rest of my life and I realized recently that I have always been in search of a man who would give me my humanity back. I think I will die before that ever happens. I will always be a thing.
Then I have always thought and processed information differently from the norm. I have to examine something from every angle to really understand it. I can't just inhale information and have it stick. That led to all of my siblings putting me into the "stupid" box. Regardless of anything I have done with my life, regardless of any education I have attained, regardless of my professional successes I remain in that damn box that I will never get out of. What really upsets me is that my two brothers have been diagnosed on the spectrum yet they have no understanding of or tolerence for someone who is different.

 

[James45]

It is weirdly reassuring (realising not alone in this double whammy) but also depressing to see the survey results emerging as they are, with the majority having been abused.

I can't conceive of doing anything like that to another human, why have so many of us been exposed to this behaviour.

To be frank it makes me want to withdraw even more from the world and society.

My best wishes to all the survivors here and throughout the world. May we all find peace eventually.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I love my family, and I forgive them for everything, but I didn't have the best time growing up. I try to focus on the things that made childhood wonderful. Like instead of dwelling on something bad, I think, "Yeah, but because of it I got to....".

 

[Suzette]

Isn't just bizarre that there are more ways to abuse others than most of us can imagine? Yet love is actually easy by comparison. No wonder many of us prefer animals over humans.

 

[TheDrew]

I wasn't abused but growing up was very traumatizing to me. My parents didn't treat me any different than they did my brothers but because of my literal way of thinking it affected me differently. For example, if there was a chore I didn't feel like doing my dad would tell me that it didn't matter if I didn't feel like it I had to do it anyway. That lead me to believe that my feelings didn't matter and were unimportant which turned into I didn't matter and I was unimportant. To this day at 44 years old I still mostly believe what I want or need or how I'm feeling doesn't matter.

 

[SDRSpark]

My dad was a narcissistic butthole, violent, yelling, hitting, throwing things, and worse. The works. Total pervert, too. Some of the stuff he did was beyond all doubt criminal, by any standards of the last several decades, at least. And that's just the stuff I know about.

My mother was neurodivergent, just like me. She put up with it, and participated in some of it, because it's what was expected of her. It was a really ugly situation all around.

I was bullied in school, too. I wasn't safe at home, and I wasn't safe at school. I had a couple of "friends" who only pretended to be my friend so they could come inside my house and destroy my stuff. I only really felt safe alone in the woods with my dog.

Oddly enough, years ago I had a qEEG performed by a neuropsychologist...she asked if I had ever experienced anything traumatic, and I said no, because I thought all the stuff that had happened was normal. She actually saw the PTSD on the qEEG...and was really confused when I said I hadn't experienced any trauma (I thought she meant like...a car crash or something). Now then years later I'm like...oh. Yeah....none of that was OK at all, was it?

I would still be autistic if it weren't for all that though...my dad would still be who he was, my autism didn't change that. I would probably have been bullied less in school though. I'm not sure if I would have processed everything better/differently.

 

[Suzette]

As I get older I think I am more vulnerable. Perhaps my natural defenses are waning

My husband sold his motorcycle because he said that as he gets older he is more afraid. His sepculation is that declining dopamine levels in the aging brain are a self protective adaptation to ensure we live longer.

Declining dopamine may explain why older people take fewer risks

 

[Rainbowcat]

From what I'm told, I was much more outgoing and socialable when I was younger but gradually became more introverted and reserved. I imagine this is realted to some sort of trauma but that trauma might have been related to social missteps related to being on the spectrum.[/QUOTE]

This exactly happened with me,i was very social and extrovert and all kids liked me in school. But after i got bullied in the third grade from a teacher and my parents changed school for me , bullying got worse. In the new school i was again bullied by the teacher and by the kids. I was totally isolated and did not have any friends. I had learning dissabilities, which caused partially the bullying, the other thing that caused it was me being a hyperactive kid (ADHD) which struggled to sit still during class. I changed again school and was again bullied. That resulted to severe depression. In less words , i was bullied from 9 to 14 years old from teachers and kids.

My parents were not supportive, they thought i am causing my self the bullying so they were yelling at me too at home. I almost killed twice my self.
So i got a lot of childhood trauma and abuse. My parents are still abusive and toxic, but i am still living with them , since i am currently studying and working for paying my tuition fees.

 

[James45]

My dad was a narcissistic butthole, violent, yelling, hitting, throwing things, and worse. The works. Total pervert, too. Some of the stuff he did was beyond all doubt criminal, by any standards of the last several decades, at least. And that's just the stuff I know about.

My mother was neurodivergent, just like me. She put up with it, and participated in some of it, because it's what was expected of her. It was a really ugly situation all around.

I was bullied in school, too. I wasn't safe at home, and I wasn't safe at school. I had a couple of "friends" who only pretended to be my friend so they could come inside my house and destroy my stuff. I only really felt safe alone in the woods with my dog.

Oddly enough, years ago I had a qEEG performed by a neuropsychologist...she asked if I had ever experienced anything traumatic, and I said no, because I thought all the stuff that had happened was normal. She actually saw the PTSD on the qEEG...and was really confused when I said I hadn't experienced any trauma (I thought she meant like...a car crash or something). Now then years later I'm like...oh. Yeah....none of that was OK at all, was it?

I would still be autistic if it weren't for all that though...my dad would still be who he was, my autism didn't change that. I would probably have been bullied less in school though. I'm not sure if I would have processed everything better/differently.

Exactly! I thought until a few years ago my childhood was normal, still find it hard to believe it wasn't even though I now know it was seriously out there...same with teenage experiences, I thought crime, drugs and random violence were normal growing up experiences...turns out they weren't!

It also seems people who have these type of experiences seem to magnetize towards each other, which reinforces the appearance of normality.

 

[Suzette]

It also seems people who have these type of experiences seem to magnetize towards each other, which reinforces the appearance of normality.

This is very true! There is a "look" and vibe about abuse victims. I can't describe it, but I know it whan I see it. And victims of sexual abuse have an added patina about them too. And when you meet another victim you feel safer with them because they won't blame you for your experiences. At least most of them won't, though I've met a few induviduals who were too angry to reach. But I could talk all day about this. So I will stop there as most of it does not relate to the original posted question.

 

[SDRSpark]

This is very true! There is a "look" and vibe about abuse victims. I can't describe it, but I know it whan I see it. And victims of sexual abuse have an added patina about them too. And when you meet another victim you feel safer with them because they won't blame you for your experiences. At least most of them won't, though I've met a few induviduals who were too angry to reach. But I could talk all day about this. So I will stop there as most of it does not relate to the original posted question.

I believe you, but I've never seen it - I think I must be blind to this. But I do believe it's a real phenomenon. I suspect it draws perpetrators to us as well - it puts a target on us as it were (but then, so does neurodivergence).

 

[James45]

Again I completely agree, I can't see it in others but people with certain vulnerabilites definitely attract each other and absolutely that attracts predatory types too...I think that is how you can end up in a vicious cycle situation with life experiences.

What interests me now is that it must work the other way too, in a positive direction!

So much happens we are unaware of beyond our primary perceptions, one of my favourite things is just staring at things but I am very aware my vision is a fairly fickle thing varying according to experience and all manner of other things...we see what we want to see!

Crikey I could write for hours about these things but going way off topic!