About to be engaged to an Aspie... and worried.

[Cyanide Lollipop]

However, Cyanide, being one of those "...whiny bitches who are intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards" this is why I've tried to get him into marriage counseling for so many years. It's hard to NOT be one of those "...whiny bitches who are intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards" when you have to ask someone so many times to do something that should already be ingrained after so many years of asking the same thing, such as, "Honey, would you please empty the dishwasher?"

I was caught up in a catch-22 whereby, if I asked once, nothing got done, if I asked twice, I was called a nagging *****. Every single counselor I mentioned this to told me this is one of the most common complaints he got from wives, so it's not just me. If expecting my husband to be a helpful and productive member of the family means I'm "intent upon forcing you to change to meet their impossible and ridiculous standards", then guilty as charged.

I didn't know expecting someone to change a diaper made me a nagging *****, but apparently it does.

Way to miss the point. You're married to *one* man with AS. Based on your experience with *one* man, you're judging *all* of us. About 50% of marriages in the western world end in divorce. You NTs don't seem to be particularly good at it either.

As for asking for the same thing repeatedly for years, you say it should be ingrained. It isn't and in your husband's case it probably won't ever be. His brain is not hardwired the same as yours. Some of us do learn things that are often repeated, but this is a spectrum disorder. Some of us will learn it better than others. If your child was in a wheelchair, would you say he should be able to walk and get angry with him, or would you accept that he cannot?

Lastly, are you aware that AS women are frequently victims of sexual predators? And are you aware that these predators are NT men? I've met more married men who are pretending to be single than I care to count. I'd say that's extremely selfish behaviour. Imagine that, hey! Selfish behaviour from NTs. Now I could have the opinion that all men are @ssholes based on my experiences, but common sense tells me that not all men are bad. I know some very nice men who are either colleagues or married to my friends. Unfortunately I haven't had any luck meeting the right ones to date, but I'm not going to avoid all of them just because some of them are bad.

 

[Celina]

Hi all,

I was surprised to receive the email indicating activity within this thread. Afterall, it's been awhile!

For all of you following my story, my fiance and I are getting married in August! I'm so happy!

My research into aspergers has really lead me to understand my fiance better and improve the way I communicate with him. True, I must be really blunt at times, but it helps and once something is committed to his memory, it's never forgotten. (a positive quirk, i must say! He remembers dates in full details from 5 years ago, when I can't!)

To address the newest comments in this thread, it was never my intention to create a heated debate. When I first wrote, I was new to aspergers and wondered if happy relationships were even possible. There are many webpages and blogs I would come across that would scare me and have me worried, especially sites on the Cassandra syndrome. I came here for advice and direction that I would later embark on my own, and I am very happy to have done so.

We also recently moved to silicon valley, where I have made new friends whose spouses also work in tech. Two of my friends have husbands who also have a "geek" personality and exhibit many of the same traits as my fiance, though neither have been officially diagnosed. However, just being able to relate with other NT wives in a similar circumstances helps me tremendously.

So entering this marriage, I do feel more informed about aspergers thanks to everyone's input. It's also reassuring that you are all just a mouse-click away!

Best,

Celina

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

For all of you following my story, my fiance and I are getting married in August! I'm so happy!

Congratulations Celina. I wish you both much happiness.

 

[Sydney]

You probably are second. This will not change. I suggest that you find someone else to spend your life with or accept these circumstances.

 

[QuestorThews]

he reminds me so much of me... engineer in it company, Asperger. i'm sure it is hard for him as well. i had not Aspie gfs and i realized it's not easy for them. i think the best solution is always to talk openly with him, he can improve only if he sees his behviours from your perspective. good luck
Gius

Hi.

I'm new here. I just discovered this forum after a google search, and I am happy to have found it. I should note, I do not have Aspergers myself.

So my bf and I have been together for 5 years, 3 years of which we've been living together. It took me a few years to recognize that my bf was an Aspie, I just wrote off his social anxiety and awkwardness as simply just being a geek (he's an engineer).

After a friend suggested that he might have Aspergers, I looked it up, did the quiz, and realized that he is very likely to have it.

Living with my bf can be frustrating, he's very set in his routine and doesn't like being interrupted while he works. He works 60+ hours a week, working on weekends, but often complains that he's tired. My bf started work a year and a half ago at a well known IT company, where its custom that employees put in long hours. I often feel second to his work, even though he claims its not true.

I understand that with my bf, he has to be reminded of social norms and the importance of reciprocity in a relationship, but doing simple romantic gestures like love notes, calling me during the day to say hi, the occasional flowers, do not come intuitively to him. I have to remind him and even start with the gestures myself, only to get no reply.

I brought up the topic of Aspergers a year ago, but my bf has not gone to seek a professional diagnosis. I don't want to push the topic, but at the same time do not want to marry him if he will not address the issue or seek professional counseling.

I changed the way I communicate with my bf; I am now much more assertive and direct and I am also much more understanding of him after educating myself about Aspergers. But he hasn't done the same.

Is it wrong for me to push for a professional diagnosis and counseling? Can I expect him to improve at being a better partner in our relationship?

I fear that things won't improve after we're married, and that I will be very unhappy.

Any advice is appreciated!

Thanks!

Celina

 

[Daniela]

First of all... I think you guys dont share the same love language.
There are like five ways to express the love you feel to one person.

Heres a video:

Hope it helps somehow

 

[Ylva]

he's very set in his routine and doesn't like being interrupted while he works

Literally no one likes to be interrupted.

 

[pax]

This thread is almost four years old guys...