17-year-old college freshman daughter with high functioning Asperger’s having trouble fitting in with new College friends, feeling down. Suggestions?

[Futbol1]

Hi everyone,
Sorry in advance for the lengthy post I’m about to make, but I’m hoping someone on here with Asperger’s has or is experiencing something similar and could offer me advice for my daughter. Here’s her situation:

My daughter, Ava, has high functioning Asperger’s, and she’s struggled all through school dealing with neurotypical peers who treated her as if she didn’t exist (I’m sure many of you experienced this.) She managed to make a few decent friends in High School, and had a small group she hung out with her Senior year. There was never a strong bond with any of them in particular due to her quirks and basic inability to maintain a back and forth conversation. She was never as ‘on the ball’ verbally as her friends, which was something they noticed and pointed out to her many times. One so called friend actually told her she was a little ‘slow’, and it was very hurtful to her. These same friends also frequently made plans to hang out, and didn’t invite her, and she always figured her inability to engage in conversations with them was the reason why. This hurt her very deeply. The final insult was during graduation ceremony, and no one but my husband and I, not even one friend, cheered for her when her name was called to receive her diploma.

My husband and I always told her things would get better once she started her Art college, where she would finally make some like minded new friends that had similar interests and hopefully find a group she’d feel accepted in. She excitedly started her freshman year in August, and she quickly did find a group of about 8 other students who, like her, had similar interests as well as various forms of anxiety/Asperger’s. Overall she’s been happy, and things have been going well. She’s hung out many times after class with these new friends, sharing videos, texting on a group chat and eating at local restaurants. She’s talked about them to my husband and I, and apparently most of them are more on the ball verbally than our daughter.

I was upset to hear her tell me today that just like in HS, she’s starting to see her new friends pair off into groups of two and three, somewhat excluding her. She’s really taken a liking to one friend in particular, and they both joked a few weeks ago about maybe rooming next year in a dorm (our daughter and this girl both currently commute.) Just today, this same friend mentioned in front of my daughter that she wanted to room with another girl next year. My daughter was very hurt and said nothing. Here we go again.

I’ve been secretly hoping that out of this bunch of new friends, maybe one or possibly two would have wanted to get closer to my daughter by now, and do more one on one bonding and social activities on weekends. Instead, they’re starting to pair off with different friends within the group. Everyone but my daughter.

So now she’s getting discouraged again. My husband told me to step back, that she’s not in HS anymore and allow her to figure it out. She’s our only child, and I’ve always tended to do too much for her. It’s hard for me, even now, to take a step back with this. I’m secretly at wits end, thinking she’ll never find that one special friend that will have her back.

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, especially from people on the spectrum that have dealt with this. Thank you.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Greetings. It is very thoughtful of you to come here and ask people who might know something about the way your daughter thinks or have gone through the same.

I can definitely relate to your daughter. Both in school and volunteering people always seemed to click with each other and organize stuff but I was always out of the loop. It seemed as if people had lots of information about events and suchlike which I never even heard about. It can definitely be demotivating, so I am sorry your daughter went through that. In junior high I had zero friends, and in high school my only friends lived in a different country (though I had some acquaintances). I am in university now, and though it started in a similar way as before (I tried to connect with students, but they grouped up and formed study groups without me even noticing), it went much better from second year on, and I know do have some real friends.

First off, I want to say that I think your husband is correct. Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to figure this out, and it's not something for you to worry about. I think you will provably make things worse if you heavy handedly try to fix things. Learning this stuff is a part of growing up, even for people on the spectrum (though obviously the amount of support people need is variable). I think the best you can do is to be supportive of your daughter, listen to her and try to understand her, which it seems you are already doing. That's very good, much better than most parents.

Now, what helped me is that I looked a bit outside of the most obvious group of people. I never connected strongly to the people who graduated with me, but by taking part in other social opportunities and events, I became good friends with some people outside of my usual social group. Maybe they are a bit older or younger, or are studying something else, but chances are they are also looking for friends if they are taking some risks and opening themselves up. One other point I will add is that after the fact, many of those people have confessed that they suspect they themselves are on the spectrum, so it might just be easier for us to connect with people with a similar frame of mind as us. They are also likely to have gone through similar experiences (bullying, exclusion) as your daughter. Perhaps there is a local autism society with regular meetups? It is worth a try, but only if she is interested. I don't think you should push her towards any of those things as she is an adult, and as you likely know we can be notoriously stubborn.

 

[Luca]

I'm so sorry this is happening to Ava
But I have been in this exact same situation in college, so I know what it's like, unfortunately. I am also not as "verbal" as my friends.

I didn't really make most of my current friends until after college, I have one childhood friend that I met when we were in foster care when I was six, and I have a couple of friends that I've known for 10 years (since college.) But I'm not really friends with anyone else from college anymore.
I don't think a lot of being able to make friends after college had much to do with me changing a lot, I think I ended up finding my niche with more accepting and like-minded people, mostly with shared interests. Anyone who says bullying or social isolation doesn't happen in college is misinformed... college kids can be just as bad as high school kids.

My advice for you would be just to continue being as supportive as possible, you sound like a wonderful parent, very similar to my adoptive parents when I was going through the same thing. And remind Ava that this isn't her fault, people her age are still very immature and are still in the phase where social status is extremely important and they'll try to exclude anyone who doesn't fit their "ideal" image. I'm pretty confident that she will find at least one good friend and be able to go from there. What are her interests? Are there groups or clubs where she could meet people with shared interests? That's not the only way to make friends of course, but that was often the starting point for me.

I would strongly suggest encouraging her to engage in her special interests and hobbies, not only is that a great way to meet similar people, but it will be fun for her and she can improve skills and have something to look forward to when she's not in class.
I would also recommend reaching out to find resources for support if she seems to be struggling with anxiety or depression because of this. Don't force her, but be prepared to talk about it and offer support if she is feeling really down and could use someone with a different perspective to talk to.

Here are some resources that might be helpful, if you are in the US:

Asperger / Autism Network (AANE) We are here for you!

Bullying – Support and Therapy for Bullying
(This is the best I could find about bullying/social issues in college, a lot of the resources I found were really unhelpful and even offensive!)

Resources — Therapy for College Students

I wish you and Ava the best of luck, and I'm here if you need additional support or have any questions
-Luca

 

[Futbol1]

I appreciate your response, thank you so much!
My daughter is the exact same way that you were-organizing, planning and being aware of events are extremely difficult for her, yet she sees it comes so easily to everyone else. And like you did, she always feels out of the loop. Can I ask how you handled your first year of college when everyone was grouping up without you? And how did it get better for you your second year?

I agree about branching out with socializing-she has signed up for two upcoming clubs in her college, but doesn’t know when they start, which frustrates me. This is the way she is. She doesn’t take the time to proactively do these little things (like finding out when these 2 clubs start) but other students are probably already well aware of the dates. And I have to step back and not think It’s my job to remind her. My husband says we need to let her fail. I’d have an easier time doing this if she was NT, but she’s not.

I’m just concerned because many of her new freshman college friends are on a much higher level verbally and socially than she is, and they most likely know my daughter well enough by now to see she’s not. So I’m just hoping they stick by her and continue to include her, even if it’s not all the time. Many of them are very quirky and on the spectrum themselves, so you’d think they’d be more understanding. It’s just the verbal part that always sets my daughter back once she meets new people. I think they get frustrated with her after awhile, that’s what happened with her HS friends. Not one of her new college friends has yet asked her to do something fun on a weekend, it seems they always have other plans, and she sits home. This is not what I was expecting from this group.
Thank you for your honest response, I really appreciate it!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

perhaps she could use her college's psych services. I know that during my education I could have used social counseling.

Besides not understanding social communication, I did not know how to discern accepting people to try being friends with. It took falling in with wierdos, with a house full of half arts, half sciences. That was the first time I was social, with everybody being accepting. People thought that I was normal, but quirky.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I was not bullied from K to 8 and I had a few friends but we never hanged out.

When I entered high school I was bullied all through my freshman to junior years. I had no friends. It was not until my senior year that I socialized more and it was better especially photography class the only class I ever got a A+. My average was a C.

When I entered college I felt rejected and alone. I had no friends and I use to run away from people especially girls. I was a D- F average as I failed or withdrawn most of my classes. I dropped out and then that's when I found out I had highly functional autism.

After dropping out of College I went into a disability program for learning computers. It was boring because I knew how to use PC already I figured out a lot of it myself. I use to goof off a lot because I was so boring. They promised me a job after but nothing happened.

Couple of years later I got a job through my consoler. I had it for 9 months but it was boring they gave me nothing to do so I would surf the web and play Atari 2600 all day on the computer. I got layed off when my boss found out how l turned on the internet on the work PC.

Meanwhile during that time I find God after being depressed and suicidal. I joined a group and we were close. But after a couple of years my so called friends coupled up and got married and said to me thst they rather hang with couples. I was shocked and angry so I left the Church for 15 years.

After which I could not get a job for years I applied for social security and I was rejected so I applied and I got it. Been collecting for 20+ years.

I now been part of a new Church for 3 years now. Although I complain that I am friends with mostly couples they helped me through my mental illness and feeling lonely. They even said yesterday that they love me.

 

[Futbol1]

I'm so sorry this is happening to Ava
But I have been in this exact same situation in college, so I know what it's like, unfortunately. I am also not as "verbal" as my friends.

I didn't really make most of my current friends until after college, I have one childhood friend that I met when we were in foster care when I was six, and I have a couple of friends that I've known for 10 years (since college.) But I'm not really friends with anyone else from college anymore.
I don't think a lot of being able to make friends after college had much to do with me changing a lot, I think I ended up finding my niche with more accepting and like-minded people, mostly with shared interests. Anyone who says bullying or social isolation doesn't happen in college is misinformed... college kids can be just as bad as high school kids.

My advice for you would be just to continue being as supportive as possible, you sound like a wonderful parent, very similar to my adoptive parents when I was going through the same thing. And remind Ava that this isn't her fault, people her age are still very immature and are still in the phase where social status is extremely important and they'll try to exclude anyone who doesn't fit their "ideal" image. I'm pretty confident that she will find at least one good friend and be able to go from there. What are her interests? Are there groups or clubs where she could meet people with shared interests? That's not the only way to make friends of course, but that was often the starting point for me.

I would strongly suggest encouraging her to engage in her special interests and hobbies, not only is that a great way to meet similar people, but it will be fun for her and she can improve skills and have something to look forward to when she's not in class.
I would also recommend reaching out to find resources for support if she seems to be struggling with anxiety or depression because of this. Don't force her, but be prepared to talk about it and offer support if she is feeling really down and could use someone with a different perspective to talk to.

Here are some resources that might be helpful, if you are in the US:

Asperger / Autism Network (AANE) We are here for you!

Bullying – Support and Therapy for Bullying
(This is the best I could find about bullying/social issues in college, a lot of the resources I found were really unhelpful and even offensive!)

Resources — Therapy for College Students

I wish you and Ava the best of luck, and I'm here if you need additional support or have any questions
-Luca

Thank you kindly Luca for your response!!!

I do agree that college students, especially freshman, are probably just as bad with excluding as HS kids.

I was really hoping that since most of her new friend group is somewhere on the spectrum, the exclusion problem would not be an issue as many of her new friends have experienced that in the past. It’s the verbal issue that’s holding her back, as you can relate to. It’s very, very, difficult for her to be the outlier within her group of friends that are having a higher level conversation where she feels she can’t contribute anything. And her new friends have surely noticed this by now.

I’m hoping she meets more people as the school year goes on, even if they are older. She tends to stick to a small handful of friends, like the new group she has now, but then she’ll miss out on other friendship opportunities.
Thank you for posting the resource links-I will keep them in mind!

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Anyway I pray for your daughter I understand what she is going through but it's got to be especially harder to make friends it you are a female with ASD as many of them go into cliques. I seen it

 

[mysterionz]

I don’t have much advice but I agree with posters that encourage Ava to continue pursuing her special interest in art.. I only have about three close friends myself (2 ND + 1 NT) that all share similar interests as me. I am terrible at talking to people IRL that I am not close to.

 

[Futbol1]

perhaps she could use her college's psych services. I know that during my education I could have used social counseling.

Besides not understanding social communication, I did not know how to discern accepting people to try being friends with. It took falling in with wierdos, with a house full of half arts, half sciences. That was the first time I was social, with everybody being accepting. People thought that I was normal, but quirky.

Thanks for your response Gerald!
My daughter’s college is a smart Art college and fortunately, they do offer a lot of psych services. It’s good to have in case she ever needs it down the road.
Many of the students in this college, including most of my daughters new friend group, are somewhere on the spectrum, so she does feel like she fits in with them for the most part. The social communication is where she has lots of deficits, which is why she’s having trouble connecting and bonding more easily with her new friends. I just hope it gets better for her.

 

[Futbol1]

Anyway I pray for your daughter I understand what she is going through but it's got to be especially harder to make friends it you are a female with ASD as many of them go into cliques. I seen it

Thank you kindly for your prayers Tony, it sure has been hard dealing with ASD for her as a female. The cliques in her HS were awful. Hoping her college experience is much better.

 

[Progster]

I went through the same thing in high school and then later at university. I had one or two friends, ones who were also on their own for some reason - they were neurodiverse, or from another country, and also had difficulty fitting in. I didn't have a diagnosis at this point, and thought there was something wrong with me. I had constant anxiety. I went through periods of depression, both in high school and at university, where I lost a lot of weight and broke down and had therapy.

Eventually I did find one or two friends at university, oddballs like me and possibly also on the spectrum. But I found that both in high school and at university, the students would form social groups or cliques, and I never fitted into those. I process slowly (but this doesn't mean I'm not intelligent), and don't get all of the non-verbal social exchange and subtle messaging that goes on and was never able to join in group conversations, so kind of hung on the fringes, present but not really part of the group. I likened it to watching TV - it felt like there was an invisible barrier between me and the group, and I just wasn't getting whatever it was that they were getting.

Now that I have my diagnosis and I know the cause, I have come to accept the situation as it is, and not expect too much, not expect to be like other people. The issue is cognitive/neurological and I can't change who I am, but I can change the way I think about it - so I don't expect to belong to a friend group or to be able to participate in group conversations - but I can talk to people one on one, when they are on their own. So, if I have friends or socialise, it's one a one on one basis, and in short bursts.

 

[VictorR]

I'd like to echo the general sentiment that your daughter is lucky to have someone looking out for her, though life lessons, and unfortunately, getting hurt at times, is what helps us learn and grow stronger.

Socializing never came naturally to me either, and in college I did realize that I wasn't good at connecting with people, and so I'd find ways to put myself in positions where people would talk to me. I started an association, served on student union (didn't really fit in) and on the academic senate (where I was actually quite at ease with the professors and deans and got to know the president quite well).

I'm now in grad school, and last week I invited my classmates for a pre-class get-together this evening, and several attended. I'll be organizing more. Do I expect to make any friends out of this? Not necessarily. But sometimes it's just about the interactions and getting more comfortable with conversing with others.

Looking back at my undergrad days, I can see that there were in fact some peers who were offering friendship, but I didn't clue in then. I guess that was a downside of not really having friends through grade school - I didn't know how to recognize an offering of friendship when one came up, but at least I do now, and I have some work friends.

I'll add two book suggestions to Luca's resource suggestions:

Navigating College (Autistic Self Advocacy Network, 2013, free download)

The Spectrum Girl’s Survival Guide: How to Grow Up Awesome and Autistic

This essential go-to guide gives you all the advice and tools you'll need to help you flourish and achieve what you want in life. With practical tips on friendships, dating, body image, school, and consent, as well as looking after your physical...

www.autismforums.com

 

[Crossbreed]

1. As others have suggested, the onus is on her to try something different.
2. If she has any autistic special interests, she could look into such clubs. She will likely meet other autistics at such.
3. Some churches are more accommodating of autistics.

Fellowship Hints for Christian Neurds...!

This question comes up often, so I decided to post my recommendations here:

autlanders.blogspot.com

 

[Hypnalis]

@Futbol1

I noticed this in your OP:
"My husband and I always told her things would get better once she started her Art college, where she would finally make some like minded new friends that had similar interests and hopefully find a group she’d feel accepted in."

There are a few other things in your posts that are consistent with that, but not so overt.

Firstly, I think the practical advice from other posters is correct: your daughter should get involved in multi-person activities. This doesn't necessarily solve anything, but it might, and it will give her a chance to improve her social skills.

But back to the "promise that can't be fulfilled":
Your daughter needs to work on her social skills. It's probably the single most important aspect of her personal development at the moment. If you really told her "it will fix itself in time" you were helping yourselves, but not your daughter. (Note that this isn't a criticism as such - not enough data - but I suggest you think about it).

In principle, we could "test" your daughter's social skills, and how much she works to improve them, but I can't "read" your daughter through your words (an NT, possibly in denial). If you commit to trying, perhaps I can help a little.

Many Aspies "turn away" from actively developing social skills because it's extremely difficult - it's a huge task (more work than becoming fluent in a second language, which only takes 500-1000 hours), and it's really hard work, and it's mentally exhausting.

Have you been actively helping her with this?
Most NT's don't (often because they can't - it's equally difficult for them to "cross the bridge" in the other direction), and the combination of the tone of your posts plus the things you don't day suggests you haven't put a lot of structured effort into this.
But I'm drawing tentative conclusions from very little data. Perhaps I'm projecting, allowing personal experience to distort my analysis.

It is possible for us to improve our social skills though. Not to 100% NT norms, but that's not needed. "Enough to get by" is possible.

Sooner or later, everyone on the spectrum needs to learn to coexist with the other 99.5%, or to get comfortable with being an outsider "forever". "Learning to coexist" isn't a simple path, and there don't seem to be any teachers, but many of the older Aspies here (including me) can honestly say they got a lot better at this over time.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

My daughter just started college. She is very shy.

My daughter has told me about many clubs on campus, like choir, drama, comic book club, dungeons and dragons club, swing dance club, fencing club, engineering club, etc. There are so many fun clubs on college campuses. That's a great way to make friends with kids.

I'd say to encourage her to go to as many dances, and sporting events as possible. Join clubs. the geekier the better, because you'll find more like-minded aspies.

Maybe she can do some volunteer work too? Or get her excited for study abroad programs.

These smaller group settings are usually an impetus for friend finding.

Also reassure her that it's just the beginning of the year, and a lot can change in 9 months. By the end of the school year she will surely have a bff and stories to tell of her freshman year.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I had no money in college no social activities for me, however one kindred spirit reached in friendship, we had a lot in common, forty plus year later we are still friends, I lived in his parents' basement for a year and a half, probably made the difference to getting through college. I had to move as he dated a high school colleague of mine, I had introduced him to, they got married.it is still early for her, I met my friend in the first semester of college visited him yesterday, his special interest is trees, owns acre or more of every tree you can think of fruit , outwalked through eating along the way.

 

[Jordy]

College is just more highschool for the most part.

 

[Owliet]

Hi everyone,
Sorry in advance for the lengthy post I’m about to make, but I’m hoping someone on here with Asperger’s has or is experiencing something similar and could offer me advice for my daughter. Here’s her situation:

My daughter, Ava, has high functioning Asperger’s, and she’s struggled all through school dealing with neurotypical peers who treated her as if she didn’t exist (I’m sure many of you experienced this.) She managed to make a few decent friends in High School, and had a small group she hung out with her Senior year. There was never a strong bond with any of them in particular due to her quirks and basic inability to maintain a back and forth conversation. She was never as ‘on the ball’ verbally as her friends, which was something they noticed and pointed out to her many times. One so called friend actually told her she was a little ‘slow’, and it was very hurtful to her. These same friends also frequently made plans to hang out, and didn’t invite her, and she always figured her inability to engage in conversations with them was the reason why. This hurt her very deeply. The final insult was during graduation ceremony, and no one but my husband and I, not even one friend, cheered for her when her name was called to receive her diploma.

My husband and I always told her things would get better once she started her Art college, where she would finally make some like minded new friends that had similar interests and hopefully find a group she’d feel accepted in. She excitedly started her freshman year in August, and she quickly did find a group of about 8 other students who, like her, had similar interests as well as various forms of anxiety/Asperger’s. Overall she’s been happy, and things have been going well. She’s hung out many times after class with these new friends, sharing videos, texting on a group chat and eating at local restaurants. She’s talked about them to my husband and I, and apparently most of them are more on the ball verbally than our daughter.

I was upset to hear her tell me today that just like in HS, she’s starting to see her new friends pair off into groups of two and three, somewhat excluding her. She’s really taken a liking to one friend in particular, and they both joked a few weeks ago about maybe rooming next year in a dorm (our daughter and this girl both currently commute.) Just today, this same friend mentioned in front of my daughter that she wanted to room with another girl next year. My daughter was very hurt and said nothing. Here we go again.

I’ve been secretly hoping that out of this bunch of new friends, maybe one or possibly two would have wanted to get closer to my daughter by now, and do more one on one bonding and social activities on weekends. Instead, they’re starting to pair off with different friends within the group. Everyone but my daughter.

So now she’s getting discouraged again. My husband told me to step back, that she’s not in HS anymore and allow her to figure it out. She’s our only child, and I’ve always tended to do too much for her. It’s hard for me, even now, to take a step back with this. I’m secretly at wits end, thinking she’ll never find that one special friend that will have her back.

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, especially from people on the spectrum that have dealt with this. Thank you.

My first year at university was very difficult. I attended some clubs in the first weeks of freshers but because I was so shy, and often preferred to listen and not talk as much, a lot of potential people ended up walking away. It was a very confusing and difficult time. I would often stay in my dorm than go out, and often avoided the dorm big social parties. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to go but I was quite scared to interact with others. As a result I had no friends during my first year, I felt very isolated.

Things changed after my first year, I felt more comfortable and participated in events that I would not have done the previous year. I made a friend. Interacted with More others who showed interest. During my first year, I allowed fear to control me. I was still processing it all because It’s a huge change and I missed out on potential friends because of myself. Your daughter should find clubs and activities that she enjoys and also some that she hadn’t tried before but she could give a go.

 

[FreeDiver]

Here's my advice on this. First of all, your daughter need to approach this as a "hardware" problem and not a "software" problem. What do I mean? It's not that your daughter can't understand and learn to socialize. It's that she can't comprehend it. Imagine she was blind from birth and trying to learn what light and color is. She listens to other people's conversations and hears words like "red", "blue" and "sunlight". In her mind, she try to assign some kind meaning to these words but because she's blind. She will never get the true meaning of these words even though it all around her and everybody talks about it.