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AprilR

AprilR

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  • AprilR
    My friend keeps getting in car accidents. She just had an accident and now she is coming to pick me up for a 2 hours ride. I am scared to ride in her car
    View previous comments…
    kriss72
    kriss72
    Do you know why she gets into accidents? - Like if she don't keep her eyes on the road, then remind her to do, if she don't keep hands on the steering wheel, tell her to do - the pain from commenting, is less than the pain you will be in if she get into an accident with you in the car...
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    She isn't driving under the influence of something, is she?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    She keeps getting distracted. Something bad happened yet again when we are on the road (we are unharmed) i don't want to say what but i feel awful
    AprilR
    I am so tired and sad. Sometimes i feel like i have lived a thousand years but i still feel dumb. I feel so dumb near my friend. I am slow and dont know what to say in a lot of situations. It feels like she does not know me at all
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I miss my best friend of 15 years. I feel like she knew me a little more than my current friend.
    AprilR
    Hard work does not mean anything. I don't want to waste my efforts for anyone or anything. I will never be validated and rewarded anyhow.
    View previous comments…
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thank you. Sometimes I feel like i have made no progress and i should not have had so much difficulties in the first place and i am just a drama queen. I have to remind myself that my problems were real.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    I understand that. Maybe we cycle thru things slower?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That and not experiencing certain things. But sometimes i think that i am just faking my problems and blame myself.
    AprilR
    I have come to a closure regarding my ex best friend. I noticed that i never shared myself fully with her and was always masking, and she did not understand me being unable to understand social cues.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I have made a great effort to be her friend and she is probably not even aware.
    It comes down to lack of communication. I am glad i understand this at least
    Tony Ramirez
    Tony Ramirez
    Masking is exhausted. I did it so much I now have autistic burnout. This is the first time I ever experienced it. I don't like it.
    T
    thejuice
    I have so many ex friends haha. I have stopped masking most of the time, especially with people who don't seem to care. I'm just myself now except I'll only try with people who try with me!
    AprilR
    Maybe i am not meant to have friends at all. I don't know anymore. I just want to be able to help someone
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That moment when you mourn an old friendship but not too much, since you were also masking with that friend..
    AprilR
    I finally applied for a new job. It's a big company. I can't believe i found the courage to do that.
    AprilR
    Today i talked about my dream to get involved with/help local autism communities with my therapist. Since i am in the closet so to speak, it may be hard to hide it from my parents though
    AprilR
    The book club i sent a message to did not respond. I will just have to search for other groups i guess
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Maybe shoot out one more message. Maybe they don't meet anymore.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Idk i am kinda glad i could not go, i read the books ages ago and dont remember them well. Had they responded i would read them again but now its too late.
    AprilR
    I just had a nice dream. I regret waking up but at the same time i am filled with peace thanks to the dream.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    I had a nitemare early morning, then l felt triggerd and hit PTSD. But at least l figured it out, this is a first. It's great you had a good dream. Are you applying for any new jobs?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Not really. It is doubtful i can find a new job and an employer as understanding as this one so idk what to do really.
    AprilR
    I read something that triggered me on a local forum. Something like that tragic "my husband turned out to be autistic! " posts. As usual everyone sympathized with the NT woman asking her to divorce. My heart broke when i read that
    View previous comments…
    M
    Misty Avich
    Yes it can be triggering when everyone sides with the other party
    AuroraBorealis
    AuroraBorealis
    I've never read stuff like that. Seems a bit weird to me too - after all, it's not like they're suddenly a different person, right? I'm sorry you read that.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thank you. Autism is not well known in my country and people view it as a great tragedy. What i get angry most is these people act like they were FORCED to marry their partner. Like they wanted to "change" them and when they understand they cant do that they get into victim mode.
    AprilR
    The ginger flavored candy i bought on discount goes really well with cinnamon-green tea!
    AprilR
    My mom thinks i should join a "body language and communication" course. I probably should but i am always scared that i will learn slow and people will notice i have autism
    View previous comments…
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Yep, i doubt they have enough knowledge about autism anyway!
    Gerald Wilgus
    Gerald Wilgus
    I had to learn all that from reading and some of it was confusing for me. But it is something I needed to mature socially, so many years ago. Good luck! Treat it as a special interest.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thanks, i will try asking my counselor also, for reliable resources
    AprilR
    Me for the past days: cries for hours for two consecutive days, thinking of the past and regrets for things i have not done.
    Me today:Wow that was a lot of overemotional delusional nonsense. Glad i got it out of my system!
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Crying can be therapeutic, it's just that therapists never say:" have you tried crying it out of your system?", (that will be 200 dollars for my office visit:))
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Haha yes. After the overemotional attack is over, the feelings and thoughts seem unreal. I am not sure if they were true.
    AprilR
    I am on paid leave this week. But i got sick and could not even leave the house to get info on the courses i want to start
    View previous comments…
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thanks. I don't know what i will do job -wise. I feel like i am not capable enough and have to quit but i am also the only one my employer depends on now.
    M
    Misty Avich
    Illness always catches you at a bad time. When I went to Poland for a vacation I had a severe mouth thrush the whole time, that started 2 days before we flew out and started to heal just after we got back. The whole time I was ill and in pain, it was even too painful to eat or talk. And it was such a wonderful vacation, and we paid a lot of money for it.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That must have sucked! Thankfully i did not arrange to go anywhere for my paid leave, but i still feel it was a bit of waste. But maybe i needed that time to rest and not actually do anything.
    AprilR
    I just try to go through life without hurting anyone anymore. Since i caused so many people so many hurt.
    View previous comments…
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I don't know, i hope so.
    M
    Misty Avich
    Sometimes manipulative people can bully us into thinking we're bad people who hurt everyone, and in the end we end up believing it ourselves. It's very soul-destroying.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I feel like i hurt a lot of people who genuinely liked me bc of my own self hatred. I don't hate myself anymore but it still hurts when i think of these people
    AprilR
    I saw an acquaintance today but could not say hi because of social anxiety and overthinking. We only see each other for work reasons anyway but i still feel guilty
    AprilR
    The new secretary quit. I feel melancholy even though she was only here for two weeks. I felt somehow connected to her. But in the end, connections come and go so fast.
    View previous comments…
    Judge
    Judge
    Ouch. April, in the 21st century that strikes me as a definite negative mark against your employer. IMO, they should know better.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    It's amazing how long you stuck it out. Do you think you are handling stress better, or you care less?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @Aspychata I think it is bc i learnt a lot and also care less.
    AprilR
    I noticed that i am always acting around my only friend. I cannot be myself with her. But i guess that's life. I just have to mask a bit around her.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I like her, but do i trust she will still be my friend even knowing i am autistic? Who knows
    Judge
    Judge
    I still find myself having to mask around my closest relatives- a brother and a cousin.
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