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AprilR
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  • I have come to a closure regarding my ex best friend. I noticed that i never shared myself fully with her and was always masking, and she did not understand me being unable to understand social cues.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I have made a great effort to be her friend and she is probably not even aware.
    It comes down to lack of communication. I am glad i understand this at least
    Tony Ramirez
    Tony Ramirez
    Masking is exhausted. I did it so much I now have autistic burnout. This is the first time I ever experienced it. I don't like it.
    T
    thejuice
    I have so many ex friends haha. I have stopped masking most of the time, especially with people who don't seem to care. I'm just myself now except I'll only try with people who try with me!
    Maybe i am not meant to have friends at all. I don't know anymore. I just want to be able to help someone
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That moment when you mourn an old friendship but not too much, since you were also masking with that friend..
    I finally applied for a new job. It's a big company. I can't believe i found the courage to do that.
    Today i talked about my dream to get involved with/help local autism communities with my therapist. Since i am in the closet so to speak, it may be hard to hide it from my parents though
    The book club i sent a message to did not respond. I will just have to search for other groups i guess
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Maybe shoot out one more message. Maybe they don't meet anymore.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Idk i am kinda glad i could not go, i read the books ages ago and dont remember them well. Had they responded i would read them again but now its too late.
    I just had a nice dream. I regret waking up but at the same time i am filled with peace thanks to the dream.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    I had a nitemare early morning, then l felt triggerd and hit PTSD. But at least l figured it out, this is a first. It's great you had a good dream. Are you applying for any new jobs?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Not really. It is doubtful i can find a new job and an employer as understanding as this one so idk what to do really.
    I read something that triggered me on a local forum. Something like that tragic "my husband turned out to be autistic! " posts. As usual everyone sympathized with the NT woman asking her to divorce. My heart broke when i read that
    M
    Misty Avich
    Yes it can be triggering when everyone sides with the other party
    AuroraBorealis
    AuroraBorealis
    I've never read stuff like that. Seems a bit weird to me too - after all, it's not like they're suddenly a different person, right? I'm sorry you read that.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thank you. Autism is not well known in my country and people view it as a great tragedy. What i get angry most is these people act like they were FORCED to marry their partner. Like they wanted to "change" them and when they understand they cant do that they get into victim mode.
    The ginger flavored candy i bought on discount goes really well with cinnamon-green tea!
    My mom thinks i should join a "body language and communication" course. I probably should but i am always scared that i will learn slow and people will notice i have autism
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Yep, i doubt they have enough knowledge about autism anyway!
    Gerald Wilgus
    Gerald Wilgus
    I had to learn all that from reading and some of it was confusing for me. But it is something I needed to mature socially, so many years ago. Good luck! Treat it as a special interest.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thanks, i will try asking my counselor also, for reliable resources
    Me for the past days: cries for hours for two consecutive days, thinking of the past and regrets for things i have not done.
    Me today:Wow that was a lot of overemotional delusional nonsense. Glad i got it out of my system!
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Crying can be therapeutic, it's just that therapists never say:" have you tried crying it out of your system?", (that will be 200 dollars for my office visit:))
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Haha yes. After the overemotional attack is over, the feelings and thoughts seem unreal. I am not sure if they were true.
    I am on paid leave this week. But i got sick and could not even leave the house to get info on the courses i want to start
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thanks. I don't know what i will do job -wise. I feel like i am not capable enough and have to quit but i am also the only one my employer depends on now.
    M
    Misty Avich
    Illness always catches you at a bad time. When I went to Poland for a vacation I had a severe mouth thrush the whole time, that started 2 days before we flew out and started to heal just after we got back. The whole time I was ill and in pain, it was even too painful to eat or talk. And it was such a wonderful vacation, and we paid a lot of money for it.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That must have sucked! Thankfully i did not arrange to go anywhere for my paid leave, but i still feel it was a bit of waste. But maybe i needed that time to rest and not actually do anything.
    I just try to go through life without hurting anyone anymore. Since i caused so many people so many hurt.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I don't know, i hope so.
    M
    Misty Avich
    Sometimes manipulative people can bully us into thinking we're bad people who hurt everyone, and in the end we end up believing it ourselves. It's very soul-destroying.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I feel like i hurt a lot of people who genuinely liked me bc of my own self hatred. I don't hate myself anymore but it still hurts when i think of these people
    I saw an acquaintance today but could not say hi because of social anxiety and overthinking. We only see each other for work reasons anyway but i still feel guilty
    The new secretary quit. I feel melancholy even though she was only here for two weeks. I felt somehow connected to her. But in the end, connections come and go so fast.
    Judge
    Judge
    Ouch. April, in the 21st century that strikes me as a definite negative mark against your employer. IMO, they should know better.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    It's amazing how long you stuck it out. Do you think you are handling stress better, or you care less?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @Aspychata I think it is bc i learnt a lot and also care less.
    I noticed that i am always acting around my only friend. I cannot be myself with her. But i guess that's life. I just have to mask a bit around her.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I like her, but do i trust she will still be my friend even knowing i am autistic? Who knows
    Judge
    Judge
    I still find myself having to mask around my closest relatives- a brother and a cousin.
    Things i have been called at work: has the aura of a cartoon character, Princess, cute and naive. Idk what to think lol
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I honestly like that they see me that way. At least i am not seen as cold and arrogant, like i was in the past. But it also means i am not taken seriously
    kriss72
    kriss72
    Yes, better than cold and arrogant :) I really have mixed emotions about e.g. being called cute/naive (I'm 50+) - do you think we get extra support/help because we are seen that way?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    It might be so. I am not complaining as long as people don't actually treat me like an invalid though
    Growing up with overprotective and autism - ignorant parents makes you a child in an adult's body. At least i can live independently i guess. I will also start using my own credit card and taking care of my own finances. I hope everything goes well.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Sometimes i feel like i take things granted. Being able to talk, take care of my needs and even having a job is a blessing. That said my job is objectively a bad one and i have to quit sooner or later lol
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Congrats on doing so well. I was in bad jobs because my parents made me feel l was worthless as a female. It took a lot of work to get where l am. I really try at being my daughter's cheerleader.
    Life is okay, i have not smoked for a whole day. The challenge is enduring the stress on workdays
    tree
    tree
    Do you take any vitamin or mineral supplements?
    Or use caffeinated beverages to any extent?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Just vitamin C. I also drink a lot of coffee and tea.
    tree
    tree
    If you are quitting using tobacco, B vitamins can be useful.
    I hate not having anyone i can depend on and consult when i have problems. I just have to use my own better judgement and risk making wrong decisions i guess
    Judge
    Judge
    Guilt is a powerful emotion, often far removed from logic.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I would feel guilty bc he is a very calm person who never got angry and constantly praises me and my work. I have been fired from multiple places before this so feel like i "owe" my employer for having hired an autistic person (even if he is unaware)
    Judge
    Judge
    That's quite understandable...
    Woke up with a feeling of loneliness and apathy. Thought about my ex friend of 15 years who ghosted me.
    Tony Ramirez
    Tony Ramirez
    Also I am sorry that you were hurt and don't trust people. I use to be the same for years. I want to let you know that there are trustworthy people out there that are nice, don't judge or care if your autistic and are your true friends when you need them. It's hard to trust people after years being ignored but hope is not lost. I pray you find good people.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thanks. What hurts is memories mostly and getting too attached to them. I hope i do find good people but more than that i want to be someone who does not need or expect more than what people can give.
    Tony Ramirez
    Tony Ramirez
    I understand. I was hurt by my last only few friends over 20 years ago when they got married and straight up told me that they only wanted to hang out with couples.

    I backsliding for 15 years, bitter and angry. It took me a long time to trust people again but then I found a great community in both my church and yoga. I have more trust and true friends for real.
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