My new job is full-time. I have read that many Aspies find they cannot work full-time. Though my job is ideal considering potential "burnout/get-fired danger zone areas" that I have/might face at other jobs, it is still full-time. The trouble with full-time is simply the length of it. That sounds obvious, but it wasn't obvious to me. Even if I just had to sit alone at my desk doing something extremely easy for 8 hours a day, the sheer burden of 8 hours in an environment and task against my will, exposed to others against my will (even if I like them) leaves me feeling vulnerable and stressed. Add to that, of course, the fact that there are very specific things I need to be doing, I have responsibilities - so that's even more of a "burden".
When I get home, I am ready to psychologically collapse or vortex. I can't tell if I am exhausted or overstimulated. But basically, my compulsions are very strong - to eat like crazy (I overeat out of stress), then spend hours and hours on the internet reading/watching about a special interest. I'll greet my husband, I may try to spend time with him - but then I feel like there's a build up of stress inside. But if I spend hours and hours on a special interest, then there's no time for my husband, no time to get necessary or even desired things done at home, and a greater risk that I will go to bed late, which I have quickly learned through trial and error is the worst, worst thing I can do - because then the next day is far more difficult without good sleep.
Basically, I come home and totally disregulate. I think of it as 'unloading stress' - but disregulation adds to stress because it keeps me from doing things that would actually decrease stress - disregulation just helps me avoid stress, it's a thought blocker and stress ignorer. But the actual stressors remain undealt with and.....accumulate, I would think.
For example, living in a disorganized, messy environment seriously stresses me out. If it were "up to me", then the first thing I would ever do to make myself feel better would be to clean up and reorganize. Somehow when I come home from work I don't feel like it is "up to me", though - it's as though my free will, my ability to choose, has been hijacked by compulsion. Then there is also the fact that I like to clean up in a specific way - in privacy, with something interesting playing on my laptop, and at a moderate pace rather than rushing because there's not enough time. Perhaps I feel like there's not enough time not because there are so few hours after I get home from work and before I need to go to bed, but because I feel like there are so many things I would want/need to do, and because I don't want to deal with the stress/impossibility of devoting enough time to each of those things before bedtime (hyper-regulation, in my opinion - because the schedule would be so tight), then I don't bother, I ignore that sad/helpless situation by getting sucked into a special interest thought-blocker/stress-avoider.
Also, part of the reason I feel like I'd need to do ALL of the other things I'd like to do according to my free will/ability to choose (I'll elaborate on those things later) is that once I come home, after regulating myself for so long and feeling the compulsion/need to disregulate as a release, I suddenly feel like my own day, my own "free will" day (ironically) has finally just begun, now I can finally get to do the things that I directly want/need to do to survive emotionally/intellectually rather than what indirectly wanted/needed to do to survive financially and in the social jungle of the workplace. BUT....instead, it seems like what truly faces me is an extension of what I need to do in order to survive financially and in the social jungle of the workplace....because I need to stay on schedule and keep doing things that will enable me to wake up on time the next morning and repeat the workplace thing successfully, looking the part and playing the part successfully. And I have read that for Aspies, we do need to be quite deliberate in making sure we make our ability to function on the job as best as possible the top priority in order not to slip into the burnout/firing zone. So when it seems like an extension of workplace responsibilities, I also want to avoid it all by getting sucked into a special interest. Which leads me to neglect other productive activities that would BOTH reduce my stress AND help me keep my job, rather than vortex into compulsions that help me ignore the stress - but which allow the stress to grow, like a festering wound under a band-aid.
So....there are productive things I could do that would actually address/prevent stressors in my life, which I do actually "want" to do - that positive choice part of me, rather than the compulsion vortex part of me (which I know is also a choice, but....a much easier one - one I can fall into rather than rise up to).
1) exercise
2) make the next day's lunch
3) play with my dog and walk her
4) say set/regular prayers
5) small dose of religious study (that could morph into hours of special interest absorption)
6) fun/light reading
7) hot shower at a relaxed pace well before bedtime so that I'm not delayed in going to sleep
8) Cleaning/reorganizing the apartment
9) Eating healthy, moderate meals
10) Be a good social companion to my husband
11) Engage with the community here on the forum
12) Journal/blog to process everything
I didn't list those in any specific order - maybe that is the problem, because you can see how a list of 10 things can seem overwhelming to try to tackle upon coming home - and by the time I get home, there are only 4 hours until bedtime! So you can see why I might rather "fall" into compulsive special interest time when faced with that reality rather than "rise up" to engaging in the productive 12 - or even some of the productive 12.
Maybe I need to prioritize these 12 activities, because I can only engage in a few in any 4 hours. That would mean cutting out most of them for most days.....and only engaging in some of them on any given day. Like there are some that need to happen every day, and then I can add one 1 less necessary one per weekday. That messes with me for 2 reasons - I hate having to keep track of what I'm to do when, and starting and stopping by a specific time and having to switch gears - that is very tough for me. Next, I like to have each day be the same, if I am going to be sticking to a schedule - then it become like one endless thing, like large chunks of the same, rather than feeling like I'm switching gears as much. But I'm going to have to tackle it, nonetheless, if I want to keep this job and not be a zombie at home.
Part of my issue may also be that I want to engage in all of those productive activities by myself, other than playing with the dog (and obviously, being a good companion to my husband). But my husband comes home soon after I do - and call me terrible, well it is terrible, but I feel dread when I hear the door open, not because I don't care for my husband, but because that means my private time is over so soon, and/or that if I want to continue engaging in the private activities, then I would be neglecting my husband - like I said, there's only 4 hours before I go to sleep. So that alone cuts out a lot of time for anything else, if I want to be a good companion to my husband (and my dog, really).
Well, gotta run to get ready for work! I'll continue these thoughts later with a "part 2" post when I get a chance, since I really need to work through this and figure it all out, explore it, reframe it, strategize, etc. Right now an idea that just floated through my head was reframing/approaching the list of 12 within my special interests in some way. But more on that later.
When I get home, I am ready to psychologically collapse or vortex. I can't tell if I am exhausted or overstimulated. But basically, my compulsions are very strong - to eat like crazy (I overeat out of stress), then spend hours and hours on the internet reading/watching about a special interest. I'll greet my husband, I may try to spend time with him - but then I feel like there's a build up of stress inside. But if I spend hours and hours on a special interest, then there's no time for my husband, no time to get necessary or even desired things done at home, and a greater risk that I will go to bed late, which I have quickly learned through trial and error is the worst, worst thing I can do - because then the next day is far more difficult without good sleep.
Basically, I come home and totally disregulate. I think of it as 'unloading stress' - but disregulation adds to stress because it keeps me from doing things that would actually decrease stress - disregulation just helps me avoid stress, it's a thought blocker and stress ignorer. But the actual stressors remain undealt with and.....accumulate, I would think.
For example, living in a disorganized, messy environment seriously stresses me out. If it were "up to me", then the first thing I would ever do to make myself feel better would be to clean up and reorganize. Somehow when I come home from work I don't feel like it is "up to me", though - it's as though my free will, my ability to choose, has been hijacked by compulsion. Then there is also the fact that I like to clean up in a specific way - in privacy, with something interesting playing on my laptop, and at a moderate pace rather than rushing because there's not enough time. Perhaps I feel like there's not enough time not because there are so few hours after I get home from work and before I need to go to bed, but because I feel like there are so many things I would want/need to do, and because I don't want to deal with the stress/impossibility of devoting enough time to each of those things before bedtime (hyper-regulation, in my opinion - because the schedule would be so tight), then I don't bother, I ignore that sad/helpless situation by getting sucked into a special interest thought-blocker/stress-avoider.
Also, part of the reason I feel like I'd need to do ALL of the other things I'd like to do according to my free will/ability to choose (I'll elaborate on those things later) is that once I come home, after regulating myself for so long and feeling the compulsion/need to disregulate as a release, I suddenly feel like my own day, my own "free will" day (ironically) has finally just begun, now I can finally get to do the things that I directly want/need to do to survive emotionally/intellectually rather than what indirectly wanted/needed to do to survive financially and in the social jungle of the workplace. BUT....instead, it seems like what truly faces me is an extension of what I need to do in order to survive financially and in the social jungle of the workplace....because I need to stay on schedule and keep doing things that will enable me to wake up on time the next morning and repeat the workplace thing successfully, looking the part and playing the part successfully. And I have read that for Aspies, we do need to be quite deliberate in making sure we make our ability to function on the job as best as possible the top priority in order not to slip into the burnout/firing zone. So when it seems like an extension of workplace responsibilities, I also want to avoid it all by getting sucked into a special interest. Which leads me to neglect other productive activities that would BOTH reduce my stress AND help me keep my job, rather than vortex into compulsions that help me ignore the stress - but which allow the stress to grow, like a festering wound under a band-aid.
So....there are productive things I could do that would actually address/prevent stressors in my life, which I do actually "want" to do - that positive choice part of me, rather than the compulsion vortex part of me (which I know is also a choice, but....a much easier one - one I can fall into rather than rise up to).
1) exercise
2) make the next day's lunch
3) play with my dog and walk her
4) say set/regular prayers
5) small dose of religious study (that could morph into hours of special interest absorption)
6) fun/light reading
7) hot shower at a relaxed pace well before bedtime so that I'm not delayed in going to sleep
8) Cleaning/reorganizing the apartment
9) Eating healthy, moderate meals
10) Be a good social companion to my husband
11) Engage with the community here on the forum
12) Journal/blog to process everything
I didn't list those in any specific order - maybe that is the problem, because you can see how a list of 10 things can seem overwhelming to try to tackle upon coming home - and by the time I get home, there are only 4 hours until bedtime! So you can see why I might rather "fall" into compulsive special interest time when faced with that reality rather than "rise up" to engaging in the productive 12 - or even some of the productive 12.
Maybe I need to prioritize these 12 activities, because I can only engage in a few in any 4 hours. That would mean cutting out most of them for most days.....and only engaging in some of them on any given day. Like there are some that need to happen every day, and then I can add one 1 less necessary one per weekday. That messes with me for 2 reasons - I hate having to keep track of what I'm to do when, and starting and stopping by a specific time and having to switch gears - that is very tough for me. Next, I like to have each day be the same, if I am going to be sticking to a schedule - then it become like one endless thing, like large chunks of the same, rather than feeling like I'm switching gears as much. But I'm going to have to tackle it, nonetheless, if I want to keep this job and not be a zombie at home.
Part of my issue may also be that I want to engage in all of those productive activities by myself, other than playing with the dog (and obviously, being a good companion to my husband). But my husband comes home soon after I do - and call me terrible, well it is terrible, but I feel dread when I hear the door open, not because I don't care for my husband, but because that means my private time is over so soon, and/or that if I want to continue engaging in the private activities, then I would be neglecting my husband - like I said, there's only 4 hours before I go to sleep. So that alone cuts out a lot of time for anything else, if I want to be a good companion to my husband (and my dog, really).
Well, gotta run to get ready for work! I'll continue these thoughts later with a "part 2" post when I get a chance, since I really need to work through this and figure it all out, explore it, reframe it, strategize, etc. Right now an idea that just floated through my head was reframing/approaching the list of 12 within my special interests in some way. But more on that later.
