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The men of my dreams

I remember, a couple of weeks ago, that we both had a good day. That was not the norm, you being without a job, me, recently separated from my husband. The following day you told me you had had a very vivid dream. You were in a building, which collapsed, and you were standing there, unscathed, completely fine, without harm.

I told you that I, too, had had a very vivid dream. You came to visit me, but something happened entering the house, and you cut your finger a little bit. I showed where the bathroom was, and you leaned on a wall, making it move and break in some parts. I told you, jokingly, "First time in my house, and you are already breaking walls". Then, we found each other under the door frame of the bathroom, you looked at me, and kissed me passionately. Then I woke up.

We had dreams of walls falling, in the same night. We were so happy that following day. You sent me loving messages, and I was on top of the world.

But the day following that one, there was something a bit weird in your texts. Something a bit indifferent, more distracted.

I started to take less space in your mind. Suddenly, you had no interest in some day visiting me, and you told me that you didn't like traveling with people, only alone, and that you only liked going to places that you already knew. I live in another country, and in the past, we had daydreamed about traveling together, or seeing each other. I got a chill in my body when I read your statements. This was not the man I had been texting with, during all these months.

You said that you didn't like talking about your past, but you did talk about your past with me, during the first months of our relationship. A lot. And suddenly, a month ago, more or less, you started to be adamant about not talking about it. I said that I didn't like it, but that I respected it, and accepted it.

But now you didn't want to talk about the future either. You had started to build those walls that you had destroyed, just the day before. Why didn't you admit what you were doing, that you were changing your attitude towards me? I guess because it would mean to take a risk. As you said in your last text: you were afraid of my reaction. You were afraid of loosing face in front me. And that was more important than being honest with me.

I realized what was going on, and for the first time, I told you that I was in love with you. But that, since you were not, I had to take some distance for self preservation. You said that you respected that, but then you closed the account that we used to communicate. Then I pulled you back in, and we started talking again. I told you that distance was not the same as breaking up; and that that was the third and last time that you tried to break up with me, with the excuse that it "was better for me". I was not going to do it anymore. If you wanted to fly away, I was not going to stop you again. Just as the old saying, "if you have a bird, let it free, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was".

I know that you won't leave my mind, even if I want to, so I won't even bother trying. After I broke with my teenage boyfriend, I kept dreaming of him for 24 years (several times a year). The last time that I dreamed of him, you were in the dream too. We were in a county fair, and you and I were holding hands. We ran into him and he said: "Oh, so this is the kind of guy that you like now", and the three of us smiled.

No, it's not a new kind of guy, it's the same: exciting, smart, handsome, kind ... and avoidant of real relationships. Sometimes I think that being with you was great, because at least now, I have a different partner in my dreams. Who knows if it will be only you, or if it will be both of you, visiting me in my dreams, from now on?


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