2-1-24
I woke up wanting to go back to sleep. Why do I always get up at 7am? I stayed up til midnight watching a movie called Let There Be Light on Prime Freevee. Also the sun wasn’t coming in the windows and the room wasn’t the right temperature. So I turned off the fan. Then my feet felt too hot so I put them on top of the blanket and kicked my covers restlessly. Then I heard the rain. I hate water.
I remembered it’s my day to shower and go do puzzles with the elderly at a nursing home but getting wet makes me want to cancel my whole day. So I’m laying here typing this and brainstorming what to do. I hate water for so many reasons. I hate the feeling of skin that’s tight and dry. I hate the irritation and redness. I itch constantly after a shower. I’m part Irish so I have extremely sensitive skin and mix that with sensory overload and taking a shower can sometimes give me so much anxiety that showers become dangerous. I have passed out in the shower on many occasions. I also can’t stand being cold so I turn it up hot but once it turns cold on it’s own I pass out. I hate the snow too.
After a shower I don’t want a towel or floor cushion to touch me because they stink and what’s the point of a shower if you dry off with a stinky towel or step on a stinky floor cushion. And I wash my towel weekly but even when I would wash my towel daily I would struggle with the scent. My hair needs conditioner so I should really take a shower. Is there such a thing as dry conditioner? I use a crystal dry eraser to shave so I don’t need water. I also clean my secret parts with peppermint oil to smell good because I don’t bathe often enough so essentially I take daily oil baths. I also wash my face with baby oil then dry it with a towel. I think I’ll cancel my plans to do puzzles on account of the rain. I’ll just stay home and write out my church notes for today.
Maybe I’ll put off a shower for another day or two. I don’t have any solid plans til Sunday and I can isolate in my house or wear a head scarf again. I only shower once or twice a week but it really takes a lot of motivation and rainy days are so demotivating. Maybe I can go back to bed. I’ll call to cancel puzzles and go to bed and see if I wake up right the second time. Or I could go eat. My tummy is grumbling. I wish I could make eggs and pancakes but I can only make cereal and milk. Maybe I can have eggs and pancakes for dinner if I can convince my friend to come over tonight and make them for me. I sound so lazy and so gross but this is what it’s like to have autism.
I got a call from my friend so I asked for pancakes and eggs and she said she will just buy me a sandwich so I rushed to clean my apartment. I had been so averse to water the night before that I didn’t even wash my dishes. I don’t use dish soap either because it soaks into my pores and smells bad for days. And I get all the water off my hands tediously with a towel every time I wash dishes, between each finger. Then I smell my hands and if they stink I use white Dove bar soap and dry them tediously again. Bar soap feels like bleach on my hands and dries them out but it smells nice and reminds me of childhood. Rainy days are the worst days for showers because the humidity makes a perfect growing place for mold and mildew and when it’s sunny the sun evaporates the water. Also on sunny days the puddle in the bathroom evaporates.
I woke up wanting to go back to sleep. Why do I always get up at 7am? I stayed up til midnight watching a movie called Let There Be Light on Prime Freevee. Also the sun wasn’t coming in the windows and the room wasn’t the right temperature. So I turned off the fan. Then my feet felt too hot so I put them on top of the blanket and kicked my covers restlessly. Then I heard the rain. I hate water.
I remembered it’s my day to shower and go do puzzles with the elderly at a nursing home but getting wet makes me want to cancel my whole day. So I’m laying here typing this and brainstorming what to do. I hate water for so many reasons. I hate the feeling of skin that’s tight and dry. I hate the irritation and redness. I itch constantly after a shower. I’m part Irish so I have extremely sensitive skin and mix that with sensory overload and taking a shower can sometimes give me so much anxiety that showers become dangerous. I have passed out in the shower on many occasions. I also can’t stand being cold so I turn it up hot but once it turns cold on it’s own I pass out. I hate the snow too.
After a shower I don’t want a towel or floor cushion to touch me because they stink and what’s the point of a shower if you dry off with a stinky towel or step on a stinky floor cushion. And I wash my towel weekly but even when I would wash my towel daily I would struggle with the scent. My hair needs conditioner so I should really take a shower. Is there such a thing as dry conditioner? I use a crystal dry eraser to shave so I don’t need water. I also clean my secret parts with peppermint oil to smell good because I don’t bathe often enough so essentially I take daily oil baths. I also wash my face with baby oil then dry it with a towel. I think I’ll cancel my plans to do puzzles on account of the rain. I’ll just stay home and write out my church notes for today.
Maybe I’ll put off a shower for another day or two. I don’t have any solid plans til Sunday and I can isolate in my house or wear a head scarf again. I only shower once or twice a week but it really takes a lot of motivation and rainy days are so demotivating. Maybe I can go back to bed. I’ll call to cancel puzzles and go to bed and see if I wake up right the second time. Or I could go eat. My tummy is grumbling. I wish I could make eggs and pancakes but I can only make cereal and milk. Maybe I can have eggs and pancakes for dinner if I can convince my friend to come over tonight and make them for me. I sound so lazy and so gross but this is what it’s like to have autism.
I got a call from my friend so I asked for pancakes and eggs and she said she will just buy me a sandwich so I rushed to clean my apartment. I had been so averse to water the night before that I didn’t even wash my dishes. I don’t use dish soap either because it soaks into my pores and smells bad for days. And I get all the water off my hands tediously with a towel every time I wash dishes, between each finger. Then I smell my hands and if they stink I use white Dove bar soap and dry them tediously again. Bar soap feels like bleach on my hands and dries them out but it smells nice and reminds me of childhood. Rainy days are the worst days for showers because the humidity makes a perfect growing place for mold and mildew and when it’s sunny the sun evaporates the water. Also on sunny days the puddle in the bathroom evaporates.
