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Instead of explaining my analytical capabilities...

Let's talk about what I have been thinking about.

But first, some music that has had inspired my thought process:


I have noticed that since my moving to my Uncle's house. I have been on a journey. Already ran into many crossroads that have challenged me and have changed my perspective on things. I have started becoming aware of many of the flaws in how I have handled life. Most being related to a lack of education on such matters.

Though the biggest issue has been my reaction to life. My want to respond to it with depression. Because of previous psychological hang ups that still affect me in certain ways.

I don't hold on to as many of my anxieties anymore, though I still have programmed behaviors that still tend to induce anxiety when I get overwhelmed or just allow depression to consume me. They go hand in hand, though. One agitates the other. And that on it's own is a consurn, because of how much the desire to just be depressed about everything has become part of my person. I have considered clinical depression, but I am suspicious that this depression is more in my control than I am willing to accept or even know.

I have taken time the past few days to practice positivity more. And it has improved my outlook and my mood. Though I am finding, in doing this, that I get periods of negative thoughts far more often than I have ever been of. Everything I see and think about has misgivings and doubts. And I feel like it's all part of my programmed behavior I did to myself.

There has been a number of times recently that I have fought my desire to play video games. Not because I think videogames are evil or bad. It's because I relied too heavily on video gaming to escape reality, simply so I don't have to face it. This is why I fully unplugged from gaming. It wasn't about fun. It was about running from my problems by distracting myself. Maybe I will go back to it when I feel ready to. Though by then, I'll hopefully have my life more in order.

The other thing that had been more apparent is how much my behaviors mimick my parts. Not so much in personality, but in modus operandi. My family are neurotic and narcissistic to varying degrees. And I gained some of those behaviors from them. Though my behavior as a person outside that is 100% the polar opposite of them. I am kind and have the capacity to think of and care for other people. Something my family is, as far as me and my uncle are concerned, incapable of doing. It's all about them. Everyone else gets the middle finger, proverbially speaking.

Though what I am trying to digest right now, is trying to pay attention more to everything. Myself, and life around me. It's been the biggest struggle, second to the psych bs.

It's all been slowly getting easier. But I know I have a long way to go. But it never been about the destination. It's all about the journey. No matter how painful it's been, I am glad I am going through with it. I have ran too long. I have escaped from reality too long. 27 years of darkness. 27 years. It's something to take in. That turmoil can take you and affect you so deeply.

In truth. I haven't sought a relationship because of the shape I'm in. I have tried once when I was on my own. A ex-boyfriend btw. But that went nowhere, due to long distance and that my own issues consumed me. We did agree to break it off. And I am glad we did.

I don't know if I count the girl that 'liked' me in grade school. That was definitely one sided, looking back at it now. She saw me as something to manipulate, and I just saw her as a friend. Nothing about that screams boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Plus we were just kids. So yeah.

I really can't think of much else now. But there maybe more to this later. Maybe a part 2 blog. Don't know yet.

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Xinyta
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