• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

I started crying for no reason this morning

I got up early today and have been reading a lot. And I've suddenly started crying.
I started crying for no reason. For no reason other than:

Reading an article on Medium entitled, “Your brain is constantly looking for rules.” — why autism is exhausting and diagnosis matters
I don't know why that made me cry. I start to cry again every time I read that sentence.

Perhaps it's because it rings so true and cuts to the heart of what's been "wrong" with me for over fifty years. It's always been one of my many "quirks" - the need to figure things out, the need to understand the rules which govern this world and somehow conform myself to them, the need for consistency. It's been driving me mad.

Do I "feel seen," perhaps for the first time ever? I don't know. I just know that I keep bursting into tears.

It just happened again - I can't read the title of that article without bursting into tears. It's opened some kind of floodgate of deep frustration, some kind of reservoir of unspoken and neither fully understood, nor even fully felt, pain.

My wife has long lauded my agonizing efforts to understand people's behavior and the issues affecting our world today as well as my painstaking work towards moral consistency. But now, that trait feels more like a pathological and impossible need.


There are no comments to display.

Blog entry information

Read time
1 min read
Last update

More entries in Personal

More entries from Fraxinus

Share this entry

Top Bottom