To be completely honest- I don't want to do this anymore. The only medication I am on right now that addresses my pain in any way is an anti-inflammatory. I am at the maximum dosage. This puts me at a level of functioning where if I go out with my mother for a couple of hours to have lunch and sit in a waiting room for forty five minutes [with a stop at the pharmacy], I am wiped out. Not just wiped out- in pain.
That happened today. It was a surprise and and upsetting one. This does not happen to normal people. This does not happen to people who are being effectively treated for their conditions. The medication I'm on, also, is definitely giving me GI problems. I can't stay on it for very long. It's already increased my heartburn by way too much.
I don't function. I don't have a life. I can type- but that has it's limits. After about fifteen minutes my hands and fingers hurt but I push that too. I feel like nothing because I literally can't do much of anything. Pretty much nothing that I take pleasure in is available to me any longer. If it is, it is in such an edited or abbreviated version its just too depressing to try.
---
The point.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to wake up. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to anything. I don't want to exist anymore.
I do anyway, obviously. I'm here writing this.
I override these overwhelming feelings of frustration and desperation, even acceptance at this point that I will never have any sort of meaningful life again in any way.
I assume that I am wrong. I assume that this will change. I assume that eventually there has to be an end to this misery. My days will cease to blend together. I'll be able to do more than take a shower or do laundry or cook dinner.
I'll feel like a person again.
If I don't assume I am wrong, that there is an end to this limbo I have been confined to... I might give up. Logically, everything has an end- but giving up isn't really an option.
At some point, I began to battle my extreme frustration intolerance by truly internalizing the understanding that everything had an end. The end of frustration, sadness, irritation, anger... the end in contrast feels rewarding.
So I have to use that logic now. I have to write things like this to strengthen that strategy as well.
I just assume the end will be rewarding, a huge contrast to this never ending murky grey.
That happened today. It was a surprise and and upsetting one. This does not happen to normal people. This does not happen to people who are being effectively treated for their conditions. The medication I'm on, also, is definitely giving me GI problems. I can't stay on it for very long. It's already increased my heartburn by way too much.
I don't function. I don't have a life. I can type- but that has it's limits. After about fifteen minutes my hands and fingers hurt but I push that too. I feel like nothing because I literally can't do much of anything. Pretty much nothing that I take pleasure in is available to me any longer. If it is, it is in such an edited or abbreviated version its just too depressing to try.
---
The point.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to wake up. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to anything. I don't want to exist anymore.
I do anyway, obviously. I'm here writing this.
I override these overwhelming feelings of frustration and desperation, even acceptance at this point that I will never have any sort of meaningful life again in any way.
I assume that I am wrong. I assume that this will change. I assume that eventually there has to be an end to this misery. My days will cease to blend together. I'll be able to do more than take a shower or do laundry or cook dinner.
I'll feel like a person again.
If I don't assume I am wrong, that there is an end to this limbo I have been confined to... I might give up. Logically, everything has an end- but giving up isn't really an option.
At some point, I began to battle my extreme frustration intolerance by truly internalizing the understanding that everything had an end. The end of frustration, sadness, irritation, anger... the end in contrast feels rewarding.
So I have to use that logic now. I have to write things like this to strengthen that strategy as well.
I just assume the end will be rewarding, a huge contrast to this never ending murky grey.
