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Dead Woman Walking

From the back of my mother's Ford Grenada, I witnessed my grandfather wave a loaded gun at my mother. I witnessed my grandmother on my dad's side murder 4 kittens. I was found by a police officer, sitting in the middle of a heavily trafficked intersection, playing with a Raggedy Ann doll. I had autism and nobody knew it because I was never taken to any kind of medical treatment. I fell down a long flight of hardwood stairs and never taken to the emergency room. I had seizures right in front of my father and again, was neglected of medical treatment. Neither of my parents gave a damn!!! I was never given the special "talks". You know, the "don't talk to strangers", "birds and the bees", etc. I stole leftovers off of my classmates trays because I was suffering starvation, as well. Not only was I starving for food, but I was surely starving for affection and attention also. I've never even been hugged by either parent. No words to describe this kind of pain (I'm 44 years old and still affected by this). Anyway, I was craving attention...even bad attention is better than none at all. So, I was a 12 year cocaine addict and a slut and a criminal. I was "Dead Woman Walking" for 40 excruciatingly painful years. I didn't care about anything after my own father gave me away to an adult man, he was 24 when I was 15, and then fled to California with his new wife. I got pregnant at 16, gave birth at 17 and didn't have any maternal instincts whatsoever, mostly due to my autism and deeply shattered soul. But, I LOVED MY BABY GIRL SO MUCH! She was taken from me when my mother, out of being just plain evil, lied to the judge and her lawyer (who also happened to be her cousin). I didn't have legal representation and that court stomped all over me! This was not fair at all! I scoured and scoured for legal help, but the cheapest lawyer was way more than I could afford....I was just a waitress at that time. Now, my daughter is 27 and I had to miss out on all of my baby's milestones while she was growing up. I have had 5 physically abusive boyfriends because I always considered myself damaged goods. Who would/could ever sincerely LOVE me now??? I really don't know if I will ever get over all of the traumas in my life. I'm struggling right now as I'm writing this to fight off tears and focus on this blog I'm posting for people to see, read, and judge, and criticize me because I'm not ready or able or willing to get out of my comfort zone yet. Trust me, I have been uncomfortable since my birth. Not only have I suffered from neglectful and abusive parents, but also bullied at 3 different schools, emotionally, sexually, verbally and mentally abused by men and I have been self hating.
One miraculous day changed all of that. On July 17, 2012, I got down on my knees and cried out to God. Guess what? He heard me because He INSTANTLY healed me from cocaine addiction. God removed the withdrawal pains and cravings. I didn't even have to go to rehab. Despite everything I have endured, Jesus Christ has renewed my capacity to give and receive love. Here lies the problem though....I cringe at the very thought of my horrible past. My mind torments me day and night. I hope I can help others with my testimony because I have a compassionate heart and I genuinely love others.

Comments

No judgement here Catlover, just sadness and anger. You were abused and neglected during your childhood and later. Time to forgive yourself for the things that happened, and maybe get in touch with that child who was too young to understand. We all react in different ways to abuse, some withdraw, some act out, and many degrees in between. It's a long journey toward understanding, but you've begun.
 
Thank you, Mia. My daughter and I have since been reunited. We have a good relationship and I love her so much. But, we missed out on that special mother-daughter bond and almost like strangers. I'm always praying for her.
 
Dear Catlover, so sorry you had to go through all that - remember you can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives and you did not deserve such misfortune. I'm glad you have begun the healing process. But healing can be long and painful. I salute you for sharing your heartache with us and my desire is that you will continue to be strong. Since you are so compassionate and loving, maybe you can ask God and he will send you someone into your life who accepts and loves you for who you are, without looking at your past. They may be scarce but there are such people.
I'm so glad you are reunited with your daughter. Love can achieve miracles. It conquers all!
The autism spectrum is still so misunderstood to this day but luckily more people are aware due to the resources of the Internet and other media.
I was only diagnosed at age 45 - previously no one knew what to do or how to deal with it. This was in 2008 and has helped me tremendously. Boys who treated me badly at school, apologized at the reunion in 2011 as increased maturity brought better sense and I made it my goal to help others on the spectrum who are hurting and need guidance. I have learned such a lot since then, and the pieces fitted in place - if only they had earlier!
I wish you every blessing on your journey of healing. Peace!
 
Awe, you're so kind and I really appreciate it. I want to use my story to help others. I believe that God is working in me.He said that what Satan meant for my harm, God will turn around for my good. I know if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't still be standing here today. Peace and joy and love to you!!!
Love Conquers is my signature and no matter what I went through, I have such a big heart of love for everybody. I don't want anybody left out of not knowing Jesus.
 
Jesus is why I'm alive too. I didn't go through what you did, but I did fall down stairs at two years old and broke my back. It was due to my parents negligence, and I never saw a doctor at all over it. God helped me quit smoking cold right in the middle of a cigarette too. I know it's not the same as your story. But you have my empathy, sympathy, respect, and prayers.
 
This testimony is completely awesome. Congratulations, Catlover614. Freed from chains. That's amazing. Thank you for keeping this post up.
 

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