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npc
- Author SignOfLazarus
- Create date
- Updated
"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show."
Not right now anyway- so that means I can't reach out to anyone because I'm supposed to be calm and composed and right-minded and freaking gracious all the time.
If I am not, I should sit in my corner and think about what I will have done. [or not]
I feel like I'm a lost cause.
No. I really feel like that. These feelings don't change because my life doesn't change. My life doesn't change because at this point there is no way to change it.
I am out of will.
Maybe I can put on some sort of face tomorrow [again...AGAIN] but it's a "face"...
I'm getting afraid to eat sometimes.
I see my doctor and it's like... I feel better because I like him and have some trust for him at this point.
However, there's also some real honest talk about my functioning, how disabled the OCD is making me, about how like- I kind of want to disappear a...
There are a few different kinds of "going crazy"- one of the worst to watch is when a person has no idea whatsoever that it is happening to them. It's not nice to watch someone go bugnuts and not say anything because you don't want to upset them. Actually, the tendency in this situation is to...
"Eventually you just start avoiding people, or avoiding talking about certain things, or [start] doing strange things. You ask odd questions, you look for people to ask for "clarification"- but it doesn't matter what they actually say. It's a compulsion.
The avoidance, disengagement, checking...
I'm not sure I can say what is going on in my head and it's both troubling and calming.
"If there's nothing to say there's no way to hurt anyone, right?"
-Right, OCD, right.
I didn't really completely understand this phrase- I always thought it was a simplification or possibly a glossing over of some deeply complex, in describable inner turmoil that we distill down to the phrasing of a five year old.
I try not to embrace anger at this point- it's incredibly...
Today I feel a bit defeated.
I have a lot of health problems. I keep going to a doctor and reassessing where I am, basically. if anything has gotten worse; what we have or have not tried.
It's kind of been a mystery, what is going on, "officially". I've had a diagnosis of MCTD- it's not...
Nal got me this:
I had been wanting to get it for SO LONG, but it was a bit pricey, and it's a bit hard to find in stores, so I kept waiting on it.
We are big on games- but picky about them. It's difficult to find ones that are challenging, unique, fun, a little different every time and...
This is kind of a tangent off of a post I saw on the board. I thought about posting it there, but I didn't want to like, make a big thing on the main board.
SO I THOUGHT I'D MAKE IT HERE INSTEAD!
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...I always was told I could be anything I wanted to be. It's one of those things that you see...
I went to the doctor today. It was productive.
I'm just going to try to summarize via bullet points and micro-vignettes some of the things I conveyed [though I'm sure that will still get a little lengthy].
_______
Receptionist: Are you feeling ok?
Me: Uh. hot. I'm... HOT. I'm hot. I'm really...
I was looking for a new place and hoping to find one with one of my roommates- the one that is reasonable and whom I made the Rogue outfit for/with. We actually did find one, and it was the first and only place we physically went to see. It has two bathrooms, which means me and her get to share...
there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are...
This is what i've been working on for a while, finally done. And it looked great on her, but most important she REALLY loved it. YAY!
I have some "action" type shots we just took that I'm going to fix balance and stuff on, but pics form the con:
I call it a shroud intentionally. It hurts and causes personal problems when I have to play competent [see: normal and healthy] for more than a couple hours. Sometimes i do literally feel like I'm dying because I am pushing so hard to be any kind of productive.
This isn't about autism. It is...