Fear

This sentence holds alot of meaning to me. Fear is the core of what plagues my very mind and heart. Fear that was seeded from my parent's upbringing and the fact that I at no point in my life questioned any of it till now.

Because I allowed fear to rule all I thought and felt, I denied myself numerous joys out of the thoughts that made them seem like more than they really were. These fears have become the lies I weave to keep myself trapped in what I have deemed the 'Kid Cycle'.

- Belittle and doubt myself out of fear

- Induce heavy anxiety from said negativity

- Distract myself with videogames and other electronics

Wash, Rinse, repeat.

This trapping is a heavily ingrained behavior in response to advice and criticism, both constructive and not. It hurts me to know that my first instinct is to immediately take things negativity without considering what is really being said. Self-blaming, Self-torment, believing that I deserve nothing.

Though I think my biggest problem is that I fear growing into the person I need to be. I, as a kid, that what they did must be what it is to be an adult and I disliked that idea. So I trapped myself mentally and emotionally to never grow-up. Not questioning if that notion was really true. Not even considering to question it as a teen or a 20 year old.

I find myself well into my journey towards being a older adult not knowing things I should of known. Behaving still like a kid because of preconceived notions that were all self-imposed lies. Being gripped handily by fear for no real reason, other than out of petty immaturity.

I think it's about time I let myself breathe and experience life.