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Not sure how many already know but I am in the beginning stages of my diagnosis for ASD. The problem now is that ASD is categorized into five groups and the doctor's (clinicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc.) aren't sure if mine is Asperger's because they completely missed the diagnosis when I was young or if it's some other form of autism.
Either way it goes, I'm excited that I am now fulfilling this journey to find out why I feel so different. I go October 2nd this year to have testing done and then they will know for sure. They have verified initially at my first appointment that I am going through Major Depressive Disorder and Tourette's Syndrome as well due to so many motor tics. It really sucks but it is what it is, so meanwhile, I'm just going to play the hand I've been dealt in life. For those of you reading this that are unaware, here is my story:
I'm probably not as shy as some but I do feel as though I need some help. I am 26 years young and have been diagnosed in the early 90's as being ADHD/OCD, but have never went to get an official diagnosis for Asperger’s. I believe this was the time frame in which individuals were being misdiagnosed as having the two mentioned. I struggle day to day with work. I want to go to school and get a better career but there's fear of not passing the class because I can't comprehend the subject matter; in addition, the teacher (professor) may put me with people I may not like or may not want to know. If I feel interested in a particular subject, and in my case Funeral Science, Anesthesiology or becoming a Locksmith, which I feel I cannot achieve...It will keep bouncing back and forth till I want to scream and pull my hair out. Other than those instances (just to name a few), I'm normally very talkative. I don't meet a stranger. My wife thinks that is extremely awkward of me to talk to every person I've ever met, though she doesn't know them. Communication is one of the biggest challenges in marriage, so much which at points, I have also self-harmed and have done extremely crazy things that I have no control over. Most of my family tends to think I have AS, as do I. My motor skills are underdeveloped so I am in other words a klutz. I have tics in my neck at times, especially when I am overwhelmed. I started noticing it in myself at a young age but I've never been able to control it. All of it scares me. I don't know where to go, who all to talk to or what to do for help. I need answers to questions I haven't even thought of yet. I'm talkative to all as well, and I have a very difficult time making my own decisions. I always failed everything in school, barely made it out of high school. I myself have a very low tolerance for stress. When it comes to talking, I cannot engage in small-talk, it has to be direct and to the point otherwise it angers me and to the point that I'll hit myself. In terms of rituals, I have to swipe my deodorant on numerous times or I feel bare. Interests also include keys, buses, trains, limos, semis, planes, helicopters and ambulances (lest I forget music- always a must), but for focus, I'm more interested in anti-medicine (i.e. Embalming, Cremations, Death, etc.). Sensory issues...I despise bright lights as I feel hypnotized. Sirens or loud exhaust make me lash out and scream. I've been in tears a number of times due to these instances. Physically, I cannot stand to be poked, pushed or touched without permission. Usually, if I have to tell someone to stop touching me I'll start getting angry then I cry. Every day of my life, I feel so out of place but at the same time I know I am intelligent in my own way. I do my laundry on the weekends as it is the only time I get away from work. Work is extremely challenging for me, as I get pushed around and am expected to work by myself for 8 hours a day and nobody here to help me. It can be debilitating to say the least. My wife has a Bachelor's in English and a Bachelor's in Philosophy which I can never understand. To my gifted abilities, I write personal memoir type poetry at least regarding things that mean something to me. I have difficulty reading body language. I can't tell if someone is upset or angry, let alone if someone is being literal or just joking. I'm very gullible and don't know how to take; as people say "With a grain of salt." I've always been very manipulated and controlled. As a baby, my mother took drugs up to the point she found out she was pregnant with me. I remember, when mom would drop my brother, my sister and I off to my grandmother's, I would cross my legs as I sat down in the floor and bang my head for hours at a time. My nephew whom also was born on drugs a couple of years ago has been diagnosed as Autistic (he lacks the verbal and non-verbal communications. He's three and still not talking). I also remember a lot of my childhood memories. I fell off my dad's boat when I was maybe 4 or 5 and cracked my head open. I was playing in a cardboard box in '98 when we moved from my home state and there was a trailer in the yard where my brother jumped on and dropped it on my head causing severe bleeding. Pain wise, I got a tattoo a few years back and it took everything in me not to scream because of the vibration of the needle driving me crazy. Otherwise, if I get hurt bad enough, I just laugh until the pain goes away. It seems at times that nobody cares, though deep down you know they do. My wife does understand that there is something wrong or different about me. It really messes with me because "1"- I don't realize I'm doing things that irritate people and "2"- It’s hard for me to explain my struggles with comprehension and the fact my train of thought doesn't work the same way as my wife or anyone else’s would. My tics have initially started in my neck and it goes into my shoulders with a head roll, then a shake...blinking is very rare for me. But the tics have become vocal lately too, but only if I'm stressed out or nervous about something. At least it's not coprolalia so I don't have to worry about being banned any place. I just feel so different at times. So helpless, like nobody cares about me or my thoughts. I'm thankful to say as well that I've jumped on the right train to get to this page. All of you (I hope all the others that have commented read the replies as well) are like the family I've never had. I've been so anxious and depressed lately, but I have no clue why. Music and poetry are my main go-to for solace. Also I mentioned before about the semis; by the time I was 6, I could tell you everything about them. For me, that includes year, make, model or trim. I didn't mention before that I love to watch movies. Every movie I've ever seen, I've watched at least 20 times. I can watch a good movie once (e.g. Forrest Gump) and remember almost every single line. I used to drive my dad crazy doing it. Some of the folks I've hung out with that actually consider me their friend will have me reenact some scenes from movies as I'm good with voices as well. It's a weird feeling that I get from being able to remember those things but anymore, I try to look at it as a gift. Honestly, an official diagnosis I feel would provide me peace of mind and getting the appropriate diagnosis would help others around me (family and the couple of friends I do have), have a better understanding of AS and how to actually talk to me the way I need to hear things. Maybe even help me get the appropriate "programming," if you will, to help me with my coordination and balance issues. As mentioned in some of the replies on my introduction thread, I can't stand small-talk. It makes me want to scream and then I go off-track and hit myself. There are multiple issues I have with comprehension. I can't stand to read, as I don't understand most of the content in the stories. Even in school, I was always afraid to do a book report for class so I never did them and I failed because of my comprehension level. Deep down, I've always felt apart from everyone else, my father included. He always bonded with my brother and sister before he would me. Because we had different interests and ambitions, I never got along with them. My brother would beat me as a child, and so much to the point that it drove me to cutting in my early adulthood. Honestly, it would probably help me feel a little more on the normal side, though I never will be. The way my thought process has always been, I've felt as though if I do in-fact have a disability other than ADHD or OCD, I wouldn't feel like I'm locked in a cage all the time. It feels good though when I am able to type out what I want to say because I can't tell anyone how I feel in person. The words are always there but they won't come out. I don't test well because I forget everything I read just as quick as I read it, unless it's a subject that I'm really interested in. Also I wanted to add, because I'm not sure it's common in terms of AS, but even as a child- to date, I still continue to isolate myself from a lot of people. Music as I mentioned is one of my many escapes and I also love to draw. It's always something in my interest field that I will draw too. Architecture and floor plans really give me a sense of elation in terms of interest. Nobody in my family understands it, and ironically it was my grandmother and sister whom suspected I may have Asperger's. About my brother, I just can't understand even to this day that he's now on drugs and mom died when I was 10 (possible OD/murder as she was found taped up behind a motel). He even beat me for cutting, but he doesn't understand that has always been my way of dealing with the pain, mental and emotional stress.

Comments

Well done.

It will comfort you to know that my own childhood was equally as traumatic, except that the possible murder of your R.I.P mother was replaced in my case by the hideous suicide of my brother.

Different manner, same heartache

Definitely on the abuse and beatings too.

Honestly, these kind of traumas make a diagnosis worse.... The fact you are still alive & breathing is living proof at actually, how STRONG you ARE!
 

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