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Being kind

I consider myself a very 'nice guy' - I am one of those very general nice people, however I do find that my autism traits do.. limit this a fair bit here and there, and that's why I wanted to write a post today because I do feel very.. caged? with my personality, I have this whole lovely personality I want to bring out, an example would be that when someone says "Hey how are you?" to me, a lot of the time I give very small basic responses as opposed to what's actually in my head, could be that my social anxiety just kicks in and wants to cut the conversation down also, but on the inside I often want to be very much like "I am doing fantastic thank you, how are you? things been okay?" - Instead it just slips out as more a "yeah i'm alright" and inside I'm always frustrated with myself because short answers like this tend to make it seem like I don't care as much, but I just struggle so so much to bring out emotions to people face to face, online this has always been a lot easier as I do twitch streaming and I've gotten a lot better at asking how people are as I find it a lot easier to voice talk back to text chat, but I still cannot do it to people face to face/ in real life at all, or if I do it's very little, I'm also very bad at saying goodbye and thankyou, whenever my family buy me gifts for my birthdays or anything like that, I find saying thankyou very difficult as I feel.. vulnerable? it's very odd.

I am worried that a lot of my other family members/ people I've met in real life think that I simply do not care, I do very much and I would love to be chatty/more thankful but it's always been super difficult for me, I do feel stuck a lot of days because I have this whole amazing personality I cannot summon out no matter what I try, and I think people would love it, I can only seem to bring it out online in small doses, if you relate to any of this at all please let me know, I love hearing people that have similar experiences on anything I write about in these posts because I often worry it's just a me thing and that there's something wrong with me, which I know isn't healthy thinking.

Comments

I'm not sure if what I experience is similar, but I think I understand what you are saying about saying thank you. I usually don't think about it until afterwards and then berate myself for having been rude. I sometimes find that things we are socially expected to say, such as, "Thank you" and "I'm sorry", don't have a lot of meaning for me. It's almost as if people think saying these things is more important than actually being thankful or sorry.

As for your whole amazing personality, I think it's cool that you recognize your own qualities. I also like my own personality, but am always surprised when someone else comments on finding me likable. Perhaps people see more in you than you realize!

I do sometimes think I'd like to let out a bit more of my amazing personality, but that has not always worked out well. I have too many memories of letting my spirit flow and finding that even my closest friends respond by trying to get me to shut up. I don't think I have a very good idea of how I come off to others, so keep a lot of my personality under wraps (except when I'm writing fiction -- and even then, I sometimes get feedback that tells me that neurotypical folx really don't get my sense of humor at all).
 

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Aru
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